How Desperate is YOUR innerHousewife?

The Kaiser and I are freaks. Anyone who knows us, knows we’re not normal, average, or otherwise. Yes, I’m talking sexually, so all family can close this page right now…it’s going to get very graphic.

Ahem…

I’m curious, though. I have this feeling we’re not the only freaks around. My neighbors have yet to come over for a cup of sugar and a blow job, but you get my meaning here. I want to know about your sexlife. Come on, you know this is a safe place. No one will know if you leave me a comment. I just need to know that the Kaiser and I are not the only ones out there.
Let me be more specific: We’re not going to donkey shows in Tijuana or anything…but lately we’re talking threesomes and one night stands and anything and everything under the sun. Whatever turns us both on, and whatever we are both comfortable with. And yeah, we’re comfortable with A LOT.
Ok, stop judging me right now. We’re having fun. Remember fun? When sex was more than something you did once a week if you weren’t tired from the laundry and dishes and carpool trips. When sex was more than…how quick can we undress and do it before a child screams because the DVD is skipping downstairs. When sex was exciting and heart-pounding and really, really hot.

We’re older, we’re more responsible, and we’re not afraid to experiment. The kids are older, capable of sleeping all night, and babysitters can sure as hell come over so we can go out. Sure I’ve no longer got the body of a 19-year old. And I have no doubt my stretch marks are just SUCH a freaking turn on…but at least I’m putting it out there.

Go give your man a blow job. Ask him what he thinks about you bringing home another girl…maybe even use one of those stupid princess tutu’s we all have in the toy chest to tie him to your bed. Go find a DVD that you KNOW does not skip…or call a babysitter. Hell, call a babysitter and go fuck in the back of your minivan.

If you are REALLY feeling it, take a lover. How hot is your mailman?

You know you want too.

Then come back and tell me-because I KNOW we’re not alone.

Comments

  1. Oh no!!! Am I first??? Say it ain’t so!!! ;)

    I will start out by saying that I applaud your honesty and “in-your-face-so-take-it-or-leave-it-and-if-you-don’t-like-it-fuck-you” delivery… it’s what I just absolutely love about you and what intrigued me oh so mucho when first I read you…

    But I am a freak of a different sort… one that hangs on the other side of the spectrum. Do I think your urges, thoughts, fantasies and desires wrong and an excuse for those who do not share them to start bombarding you with hate mail? Hell no! I say that as long as you are dealing with consenting adults, anything goes, party on and fuck away!

    Me? I had never been with anyone before my husband… having been raised by a single mother who was continually used and fooled by men, I grew to trust no one. Ironic seeing that most of my best friends were guys and “man whorish” ones at that! Although it explains my trust issues even more seeing how I had full access into their minds and knew all about their “getting laid” tactics…

    But let it be noted that in no way do I subscribe to the “virginity is a virtue” crap. Sex is fabulous and once I had it, with Loverboy, I wondered why the fuck I hadn’t just fucked around for the sake of a good fuck… I am simply way too sensitive to sleep with someone for the sake of a fuck as I know I would get attached and, consequently, badly hurt. So my waiting was waiting for love to happen and having said that, let it be noted that I slept with a man less than two hours of being with him so… but yeah, to be this sickeningly sensitive is a curse I tell you!

    So… my turn on is having my man all to myself in every way possible and luckily that works for him as he is the same way when it comes to me… sensuality turns me on and, to be brutally honest, pornography does not. So Loverboy agreed to forego that, since it was no big deal for him, and I agreed to anything being taped anytime and in new techniques and orifices and fantasies we may both have being explored.

    Funny thing is he has yet to try out my tape offer… it freaks him out too much… ha, ha, haaaa! But let me just say that quite a few “socially unacceptable” sexual things have been tried and immensely enjoyed and to any and all who may have a problem with what turns others on and how and when and who we may want to fuck I say FUCK YOU!

    I figured I might get that in now, during the calm before the storm that is to come oh “controversial” sistah de mi corazón! I for one think you fabulous and thought this post brave and honest and just simply delightful! If I ever could feel lustful over women, I would be giving you a call DAS FO SHO!

    So… how you doin’? :)

  2. Doug and I are “freaky” per se. I’ve kissed another woman, we’ve gone to strip clubs toeghter, but that’s about it. It was a drunken dare. I don’t think we’d ever go so far as to do a threesome or take a lover.

    This is only because we’re married to each other and only want to be with each other.

    I don’t think our marriage would last if we chose to bring in other persons. And it’s kind of nice to know love each other enough to talk about our fantasies and alternate ways to address them.

    That’s just us.

    You and the Kaiser are wild and fun! I’m sure it keeps things interesting!

  3. Today is Blow Job Day? I wish I would have known…No wonder my hubs is singing…he knew…Someone please include me on these memos from now on!

    I am a lame, boring turd.

    I used to be fun and exciting. Now I just want to sleep. Yes. I miss the old me. Terribly.

  4. Interesting topic. I actually just deleted a post I wrote about my threesome with two guys before I was married. I don’t want my mom to find it! My friends always say I am wasted on my husband because I am so willing to try anything and he is just pretty basic (not bad though, just “regular”). I do get him to try new things, but not half of what I would do. Here is something funny though…my husband travels a lot for work, and last week when he was home, he did some new things that he had never done before and I was POSITIVE he had been cheating on me on his trip. Turns out he just watched some movies in his hotel room to get new ideas to surprise me. After I finished crying, I told him it was cool, but maybe next time tell me before he (who does almost the same thing every single time) is going to try something new.

  5. Dude.
    Everyday is blow-job day at our house.
    Daren is SO tired. :)

    Him and I have talked about the threesome thing – but it’s not his thing. Ahem. (god I hope my grandparents don’t find this site)

  6. Prince Charming and I have discussed the 3sm idea and are both open to it. The frustration of course comes from the complications of Who, how, when and where. Not like that option just presents itself in daily life. At least I don’t think. Oh, and of course my own raging insecurities that I have no idea how to get over.

    He will be very happy to know that you’ve designated today for blow jobs. He just never seems to feel he gets enough of those ;-)

  7. I have nothing to say.

    (insert maniacal laughter here).

    Emphasis on maniacal.

  8. I and my husband are rather freaky, I am the follower freaky though – he wants to try it I’m game!
    Blow job day – I’ll have to tell hubby…

  9. Well, my husband and I don’t really do anything freaky, although since we’re being honest here, I give blowjobs that make his eyeballs damn near pop out of his head. He just might be getting one later since he took all three kids swimming at the Y and let me stay home.

    What we do have is a seriously hot, passionate sex life. For a 38 year old man who smokes, he has a LOT of stamina, we’re talking 45 minutes to an hour most times. And, I have a technique that guarantees I will have at LEAST two orgasms every time. EVERY time. Real, mind-blowing orgasms. I’m a lucky woman.

  10. The night before last we had a babysitter and did it in the back of the minivan.

  11. Michelle says:

    I recently seduced one of my good friends. I could not get the thought of sex with another woman out of my head. My guy was totally aware and supportive of what I was doing. It was awesome. I know there will be no fall out with her because we are really close, but had never been that close. I think it was a once in a lifetime situation with her and I was more than happy to make the most of it. After, with Mark, there has been a few questions about me being a lesbian, but I assured him, he is it for me. I do hope I have the chance to par-take with another woman sometime in my future.

  12. One of the rules in my life has always been that I am open to a lot of things…except for talking about them to people outside my relationship. I have dumped 2 men for bragging to their friends about all the freaky stuff we did. I made it very clear up front that that was not acceptable to me.

  13. i love my sexlife but have nothing freaky to claim, so . . .

    i request more details, perhaps an instruction manual, on the trio and mailman ideas. asap.

  14. I want to know what Elizabeth’s sure-fire technique is.

    QoS, I love your honesty. We’re all always so afraid to talk about sex, but it is such an important part of life. It can also get stale after years of marriage. I don’t have any answers, but fantasies are awesome whether they ever get fulfilled or not.

    Thanks for starting the conversation.

    And Elizabeth!!! Tell us your secret.

  15. Mr. CFP and I have sex as often as we can. Sometimes the cats jump on the bed, but we shoo them away. LOL! In my opinion, it’s important to sustain a healthy and imaginative sex life. I’m rather overweight but very active and sexy! (Yes, the secret is out: I’m a BBW!, people have seen the links to my eBay profiles where I sell yarn and bid on designer robes and nighties and oh well, some rude people online have mentioned my size.)

  16. Forget Blow Job Day. I like Eating Out Day. (Though sometimes the days are one & the same!)

  17. wifey615 says:

    Love the post Queen! We have had most fantasies fulfilled by each other. But hubby is way freakier than I. I guess i am the “follower freaky”. I have no problem trying anything once, and if we both like it, we will do it again. Ya gotta keep that spark going, by any means necessary. Boring in the bedroom is just not for me.

    and oh yeah….ELIZABETH – she needs to give instructions, on both the blow jobs and the orgasams. I am ok on the blow jobs, nothing mind blowing, and I would LOVE to be better at it, so tips, PLEASE…and the orgasams, you just need to share, don’t be selfish :)

  18. yeah, we’re real freaks.

    once, we put on dora and put the kid in the walker so we could grab a nooner. no, not in front of the kid, in another room.

    what? that’s not freaking? that’s just normal?

  19. I’m willing to try a lot, but I’m still not comfortable with bringing a third person into our sex life. I just think I would have a problem watching my husband be intimate with another woman. Which is totally funny because we’ll go to the strip club together and I’ll pay for him to get a lap dance, but I guess I know he’s coming home with me to “ease the tension”!

  20. wifey615-you need to email me for those “directions” ;)

  21. Dude, I am so ready for it NOT to be blowjob day already!
    We sort of have an unwritten rule at our house to have sex daily, at least, but last week Jason hurt his lefty (left ball) and we haven’t had sex since. It’s been blowjob, handjob, handjob, blowjob…well, you get the picture. Enough already! Sometimes a girl just wants to be pounded.

  22. Oh my gosh…you girls are so lucky. I am a resonably adventurous woman who likes to please and be please, but I can’t even get my (fairly) new guy to tell me what he likes. He is almost silent during sex, so I have no idea what feels good and what doesn’t. Meanwhile I am telling him exactly what to do to me, cheering him on when he does some of his own moves, and loving it….then I come and he sighs and we both fall asleep. Me, with a smile on my face, He with blue balls. If only he would tell me what he wants.

    Will somebody tell him that if a woman wants to fulfill his fantasies, he should tell her what they are?

  23. This makes me sad. I wish I wasn’t always so tired and that my husband showered more often.

    I miss being pregnant…I feel like I want sex like a porn star the whole time. Then comes lactation and tiredness.

    I should have stuck with plants. Not only did my children ruin my sex drive/life but they also make ill with their pestulance tooo often.

    sigh. this post makes me sad.

  24. I was one of the unlucky ones. One of the ladies whose libido shrivelled like a grape in the sun. Until 6 months ago. Kids older, felt a bit more alive. Whatever.

    And obviously you have not read my soft core I lust after my trainer posts…..

    That and I discovered a bit of online soft core that reawakened me. Lucky lucky Mr mumma.

    I figure if it does not hurt your relationship and the kids don’t know…do what you must. Have fun and play safe!

  25. Oh, I like to talk the talk, but believe me, that’s about it. When I won a giant dildo in a Planned Parenthood raffle, I realized that it actually sort of scared me. (It is freaking big.) I left it out with my husband the next day, and when I came home, found that he had taped google eyes onto it. (Photos: http://www.cussandotherrants.com/2007/03/getting-lucky.html)
    He said it was a real trouser snake now.

    Yes, that’s as freaky as things get in the CUSS house.

  26. I think I love you.

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