Of course, now that Neve’s about to become a teen, we might reconsider.

1) One argument that comes up is that of spanking kids is essential when a toddler is doing something dangerous like trying to run into traffic or drinking chlorox. I was never spanked for anything like that and I once asked my mother why. She (a secret anti-spanker as it turns out) said it never came up because she ensured that I was never in a position to do anything like that until I was old enough to know better. There was no chlorox where I could get at it as a one year old. I couldn’t run into traffic because she kept a tight hold on me. Now I know that it is hard to foresee and prevent everything, and stuff happens. But I don’t think hitting is the answer if your kid gets away from you and runs into traffic. You just run after your kid and yank him away — and then you get the message across about traffic at the developmentally appropriate time.

As other people noted, there are adults who don’t understand the danger of traffic either — some adults with developmental disabilities or some adults with Alzheimers. They can run into traffic or do dangerous things to. But we don’t hit them. Instead we find other ways to make sure they don’t endanger themselves.

2) I was also struck by Mr. Lady’s comments because they remind me of my own father’s thinking. He was constantly belted across the face growing up by an enraged, out-of-control parent for even the most minor infractions. So he decided that it would be a much better idea to put me ritualistically over his knee and calmly strike my rear end multiple times. In his view, this was not “abuse” because it was not as bad as what he experienced growing up. It was a totally thoughtless analysis in my opinion in that it ignored the question of whether humiliation as a form of discipline is helpful or damaging. I am not saying Mr. Lady is thoughtless, but her comments simply reminded me of ways in which parental thinking on this topic can become misguided. In some ways, the parents’ intention may not be particularly relevant. The real measure is how the event is experienced by the child. Personally, I can’t conceive of any way to experience someone striking your buttocks as anything but a humiliating violation of one’s boundaries and dignity. From the perspective of the victim, the spanker’s good intentions don’t matter.

3) There was some discussion of parents being paralyzed by debates over discipline. I think the real confusion comes from trying to distinguish between a non-abusive spanking and abusive spanking. It makes my head hurt trying to figure out where the line is drawn. A simple bright line rule of no-hitting except in self-defense is a lot less confusing. And there are plenty of non-spanking options for parents to communicate clear rules and limits.

I am almost forty years old and I am not sure I will ever get over it. These events were devastating and humiliating far out of proportion to the childish offenses I had committed. I still experience nightmares and flashbacks. These events warped my sexuality.* These events have permanently damaged my relationship with my father, eroding any trust or affection I might have had for him. Most significantly, these events contributed to my chronic fear and insecurity as an adult. The spankings were effective in effectuating my immediate compliance — but at a price I will have to live with for the rest of my life.

Outwardly, I am a successful adult with a stable marriage and a productive career. For my father, I am Exhibit A as to why spanking works. But my inward damage is immense and thwarts me in a number of ways that cannot be seen by others but are nonetheless very real. This is what drives me nuts about people who claim that spanking is a good thing because someone who was spanked finished college or was never arrested or what have you. Those things alone are not the measure of a successful upbringing.

It is impossible to describe the damage I have suffered when the topic of spanking comes up with people I know. I can’t tell people that my childhood spankings have imprinted themselves on my sexuality or that I am still unbearably humiliated by the memories. These experiences are too private and painful to discuss. That’s why people never hear from those of us who have been irrevocably damaged by childhood spankings. Maybe the internet will change all that, or maybe someone will finally have the courage to speak out publicly.

* By the way, I don’t mean to imply that a fetish for spanking is necessarily a bad thing, or that such a thing is necessarily a result of having been abused as a child. But in my case it is — and I deeply resent it. I don’t think my parents had any right whatsoever to impose themselves on my sexuality in that way. While I certainly don’t think that my parents intended these punishments to have a sexual component, the fact is that I experienced them that way. I was taught to be extremely modest, which made the battering of a private area of my body al the more traumatic, tantamount to a sexual assault.

Sorry to be so depressing, but I get so frustrated by this topic. I wish there were away to convince the public at large that spanking children comes at too great a risk to their future well-being, that kids don’t necessarily turn out okay.

I don’t plan to spank my children – but if I ever do, I hope that it is such a rare occurrence that the lesson on why any action was so egregiously wrong is not lost.
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I just wanted to add that there’s so very much research on the (negligible/detrimental, depending on the study) value of spanking in the educational/psychological literature. It #sucksit that those studies are not covered by the media the way this spank+ one has been.

Also want to reiterate that children are all so different. If you have great kids and you spank, it doesn’t mean that your kids would go to shit if you didn’t… just as my having great kids and not spanking doesn’t mean my kids would be better or worse if I spanked them.

And to Velvet Verbosity, first, I’m wondering about the 1982 date. There’s got to be a study behind that. But… do you not think there are reasons the level of narcissism could have risen since 1982 that have little to do with some kind of actual, discrete, measurable *level of narcissism*? As if there is such a thing, complexities aside… and as if the DSM criteria for it haven’t changed… and as if the world we live in hasn’t changed in such a way as to make any quantitative measure of it unreliable or invalid to be used longitudinally for 28 years… Without reading the study, I can’t say much, but it just seems that one might be able to punch lots of holes in it.

I’ve also heard the same argument about narcissism framed by the idea that generations post-Viet Nam (and I’m 33, so including myself here) haven’t fought in wars the way America did in the first three quarters of the 20th century. Maybe we just need to send our children off to fight in a war. That’ll teach them to be less egocentric.

(Totally agree with your first comment, though, about parents feeling paralyzed and helpless. )

That is all.

Carry on.

Good job, Erin.
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