Damn you, Adam Sandler

I don’t watch movies often. Not that I don’t enjoy a good bowl of popcorn and the lights dimmed, its just I seem to always choose sleep or sex or mindless television instead. Not to mention the whole toddler wanting to watch Thomas the Tank Engine and infant screaming stuff. So not only do I not get a chance to watch a movie very often, I always seem to NOT make that choice even when the opportunity arises. I know what you are thinking…but your husband MAKES movies. Just further proof that I suck, I guess.

Recently we joined that mail you the movie club and suddenly, I want to sit and watch movies. I even put my picks in the queue and everything. So when one of my first movies arrived, I…stop the presses….actually sat down and watched. With my husband. Wow.

Now here comes the kick in the ass: It scared the shit out of me. The kind of scared where today, like a week later, I’m still thinking about it. Hollywood bastards.

We watched Spanglish. Adam Sandler. Tea Leoni. Set in, of course, Los Angeles. Without boring you with the plot and stuff, lets just say I am now, terrified of becoming the Tea Leoni character. Terrified. And I think what scares me the most is…I can see it happening. The Kaiser was just as freaked out after the viewing. He was scared of ending up miserable and souless in our pseudo-hollywood/Los Angeles lives. I made him promise not to fall in love with the housekeeper, and I swore to him I’d never do it with our real estate agent. THAT was the conversation we had after the movie.

So why can’t I shake this movie, days later? Because I see myself being neurotic and insecure and controlling. Daily. I see it DAILY. I can see myself thinking I’m doing good by getting the housekeeper’s daughter a scholarship. I can see myself with a chubby daughter. And wanting to help her slim down, in all the wrong ways. I can see myself, bleary eyed and runny nosed, begging my husband to talk things out until we drop. I see myself wanting a summer house at the beach. I see myself waaaaaaaaaaaaaay too much.

Here is the other problem, these Los Angeles women are all around me. Its more common for you to see the Nanny pushing the stroller down the street around here. I’ve watched those housekeepers get off the bus and walk to their employers. I have a gardener. I have a pool guy. And my husband does work in the biz. Of course, we’re not like that. But the fear is we could BECOME like that.

So after that freaking movie we also promised to catch eachother before we got caught up in all that crap. So after I dropped the Count off at preschool this morning, and came home with my Starbucks…I balanced it out with talking to my friends and looking at old photos for the upcoming Promapalooza. Because god knows if the Kaiser and I get too Hollywood…those are the people who will call us out. I hope.


  1. yeah, you are a little like that. now you know and that is the first step on the road to recovery.

  2. And that is why I love Gabe. And the rest of my friends too.

    I just re-read my post and I sound like a very bitchy lunatic. Honesty sucks sometimes.

  3. again, admitting it is the first step on the road to recovery.

  4. Gabe took my answer.

  5. I’m going to cling to the “a little like that” comment and go drown myself now.

  6. I came upon your site from The Reign of Ellen, I believe, and have been reading for a while and think you are hilarious!

    I hope you can stay grounded, even though your hubby is in “the biz”. Now you know what you DON’T want to be and it’ll be easier to stay away from it.

    On the movie issue – love ’em. Don’t have much time to watch anything with a near 2 year old, but I still love ’em!!

  7. I’m pretty sure we’re safe from ever getting too bad. Just little inklings here and there. Luckily we’re very much on the outskirts of the chaos. Thats whats great about blogging…being able to get those thoughts out and on paper! (website?) I’m going to watch Star Wars tonight (hopefully) and am very excited.

  8. Don’t you worry – your blogging chums will keep you grounded!!!
    PS – SW – one of my ALL time faves!

  9. If you are getting that way (and from the little I know of you so far, I can’t see you getting that bad) at least you are seeing it, and have made a concious decision not to be like that, so.. don’t stress. Besides, if I have to fly to LA from Detroit just to kick your ass and take you down a notch or two, I will. (Any excuse to visit one of my favorite cities in the country!) 😉

    You really have a gardener and a pool guy, though??? Dang. Are they hot? (I’m seeing shades of “Gabrielle” here… lol)


  10. Hahaha. Its actually really cheap to have a gardener out here. And a pool guy. And sadly, the guy who mows my lawn is like…80. The pool guy however…hmmmm….

    Not to mention both were employed by the house’s previous owners…and we felt guilty getting rid of them. So instead, I got rid of some movie channels and that made up their monthly pay. (told you it was cheap). ALSO…I’ll be back in my hometown in the summer. So you can kick my ass in person and NOT leave Detroit!

  11. Never would have taken you for the LA / Hollywood type 🙂 Are there actually normal people like you down there in So Cal? (I mean that in the most affectionate way of course).

  12. Luckily, yes. Ms. Mamma! And I really don’t think we’re too Hollywood. Yet. I guess what scares me is that we’ve been here for almost 7 years now, and I can see it creeping in. I’m wondering what happens in 7 more years??

  13. Are you really coming here next summer??? Cool! We’ll have to do lunch – have your assistant call my assistant… 😉

  14. you are SO not alone with the neurotic spasms. being aware of your capabilities is how you stay out of weirdo-land, so you’re good.

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