I need a snare drum

I need to lighten the mood around here. The kids are miserable. The grandparents keep wanting to take them out back into the RAIN and 40 degree weather. I need to do some BlogHer work and neither child wants to leave my lap for more than a few minutes…so…

A homeless guy approached the Kaiser in Santa Monica the other night telling him “I’d uh…just like to mention that among the NASA implants that are in me are tearduct and nasal mucus implants.”

The Count asked me “Mommy, what do you say?” after he caught me farting the other day…and I was forced to reply “Smell the love.” May God Smite my husband for that one.

I’ve had to explain to my mother what a “hoe” is. Several times.

My father keeps talking about the sex lady on tv with the dildos.

My brother keeps making faces behind my inlaws backs to make me laugh.

The cashier at our pharmacy knows my children by name. And asked me how my Paxil was working in front of a crowded drugstore. I then proceeded to sing “You are My Sunshine” to my kids as we waited. I figured everyone knew I was nuts, so why act all normal.

Despite my anal cleaning (*editor’s note to the Kaiser-I mean my obsessive house cleaning. Not the actual cleaning of my anus) , there remains a “fort” made of rope, clips, and two blankets under my stairs. My father-in-law keeps hitting his head on it.

Our pediatrician laughed until he nearly choked when I gave my husband directions to the office sticker bin. He then said we’d been there way too much lately.

My father-in-law told me I looked like a zebra.
I have new highlights.

Happy St. Patrick’s Day my blogging friends. I think I will go get drunk now.

Look for a wasted BlogHer post later.


  1. Don’t you LOVE having family visit. Hope you weather the storm, and the kids get off your lap soon.

  2. Awww I’m sorry. Sounds like things are a bit rough right now… Just try and hang in there and remember that it won’t last forever.

    Hope it gets easier soon!

  3. HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA! That is an awesome picture of the cat with the tin foil hat. Completely hilarious. And, I’m glad that you had to explain your use of the phrase “anal cleaning” to the Kaiser, because I apparently needed the explanation too! HA HA HA HA HA!

    We’re being fishies around here today. We’ve got paper fins and tails (accordion-folded paper).

    And I must tell you that a friend of mine in college was once approached by a homeless crazy person who said to her, “Intricate butt spank!” HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

    Good luck with all the parents around. Looking forward to seeing pictures of the party.

  4. You laugh, but only that cat is protected against alien thought-probes.

    Husbands and humor…oy.

    I’m sorry for the continuing misery, but I laughed all the way through that, and nearly died at the anal cleaning, because yes, my mind had already gone there. Good job, you.

  5. At least you can find humor in the madness. I cracked up at the “anal cleaning” because I have used that phrase on many occasions and my husband has informed me just how bad that sounds.


  6. I just read the last post and this post. I’m so sorry! At least the family will be there to celebrate and about the hair. My brother said the same thing over and over and then… he got married. HIs wife started high lights and then he got in trouble. So now, at over thirty he finally does NOT make fun of my hair. How sad.

    I hope you had a good night inspite the chaos!


  7. You know how you read through a funny post and then you start to leave a comment and then, while waiting for it to load, you look around and see the title again and then put 2 and 2 together? Yeah, that just happened.

    I’m sorry this sickness is a pain in your rear. Vitamin C. And go the anal cleaning route. It could be what’s ailin’ ya.

  8. They don’t do gardening where your mother lives?

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