S to the E to the X

You’ve always wanted me to guest post.
So here’s my first try at it:
Bow chicka chicka bow wow!
The Kaiser

Sorry for the interruption. I started this post and left it up on the computer. Someone hijacked it for a second there. Anyway…back to what I was saying…

I’m having a Madonna/Whore problem. And it does not involve gummy bracelets or lace gloves.

I go from Mommy-Snuggled on, Singing, Lulling children into sleep, cradling, rocking, nursing, and doting to-QUICK! Run down stairs, whip off clothes, turn the monitor on full blast, the-kids are-actually-asleep-why-are-your-clothes-still-on? Didn’t you hear me I said the KIDS ARE BOTH ASLEEP! If you want to DO IT we need to DO IT NOW!

How do you go from Mommy to SexPot in 0.3 seconds?

Not to mention, still remaining somewhat Mommy so you can hear any whimpers from the monitor.

Physically, getting naked is easy. But we’re halfway through with the fun before I’m really transitioning from Mom to Wife. Madonna Whore. Madonna Whore. Madonna Whore.

And how do the husbands deal with this? I mean, the Kaiser just watched me breastfeed the baby for an hour and suddenly I’m getting nasty on the office floor. Is that a mental handicap? Or can men just block that out easily?

And dare I even mention the interruptions? Midway through, ahem, oral…WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA from the monitor. I run back upstairs, emerge after 15 minutes, and the “fun” continues. Or does it?

I realize there are things like “parent only” beds and “foreplay.” Whatever those are. But I don’t have TIME for that kind of thing. Even if the kids were in their own beds in another room, the baby still wakes up. The Count still coughs and wakes himself up randomly. Or needs water. Or needs “just one more hug.”

That means I go from “don’t worry honey, there are no monsters in the closet,” to “FUCK ME HARD!” in a span of 3 minutes.

Maybe this dilemma is as old as men, women, and children and there really is no solution. I’m thinking of Native Americans sleeping in tents. I mean, did the kids have their own tent? Were Mom and Dad sneaking off into the woods every night and bending over a rock?

Pioneers…Covered wagons. There was sex on the trail, right? Did the kids just cover their ears? Did Mom ever reach orgasm, or was she too busy worrying about Junior asleep 3 feet away?

Madonna Whore. Madonna Whore. Madonna Whore.


  1. Anonymous says:

    Somehow you get through and THEN, the children are suddenly sleeping in their own rooms. Bliss!

  2. My daughter is 5 and just now we are transitioning the kids out. My son at 3 is an awful sleeper! Even though I want them out it is really hard for me too…

    As for sex, I never thought that thoughts of having a wild romp in my bed, at night, would be the kinkiest thing ever… Ah! I can only dream! For now, floors and couches and countertops and tables will have to do! *sigh* ;-P

  3. The only monster in that house IS IN MY PANTS! WOOHOO!

    But should we tell the children this….?

  4. Do you see???? DO you seeeeeeeeeeeee what I’m dealing with here people???

  5. ROFL, and I mean that, O Mighty Queen!

    Watching my wife breastfeed just makes me think of when I used to be the attached one.

    As for the sex, spontaneity is its own pile of fun, provided we get enough sleep. Hooray for Friday!

    (I agree with Miz Bohemia about the marathon wild romp in our own bed moving to the top of my fantasy list, but for the love of God, don’t sigh when thinking about floors, couches, countertops and tables — see how it got the Kaiser going?!?)

  6. Trust me- we went through this last night. All men can go from Daddy to porn star in 0.5 seconds and expect us to do the same. I just feign interest until I can actually get into it. We don’t get much time alone, so when the opportunity knocks, I better answer the door, lol.

  7. All those interuptions bring me out of the mood quick. At that point, I just tell him it is “all for him” and give up.

  8. thank you for talking about this. my SIL was back to bunny mode 2 weeks after her c-section, and i was blown away. i mean, i don’t have kids, but i totally see your point and i have no idea how that works.

  9. i just read the kaiser’s comment… oh. my. god. is he my husband’s long-lost twin?

  10. When my various piglets were smaller we were actually known to hire a babysitter just so we could drive down the road and have horny-teenage-ish car sex and pray to GOD the cops didnt show up…

    Yea, motherhood makes you have to get…creative…makes you wonder how we ever GOT to be parents of more than one kid, huh?

  11. We live with my inlaws (the Witnesses) and my mother in law had to run interference the other night so my husband and I could “do our duty”. My father in law didn’t like that he couldn’t go watch tv downstairs so he went back upstairs and just went to bed.

    When my husband was 5, my MIL would tell him, “Stay here watching TV, mommy and daddy have to go do our duties”. He would stay there the whole time, mom would come downstairs with laundry and dad would be napping.

    And one more in case you aren’t dying already, when my sister in law was 4 or 5 she got scared one night and they let her sleep in their room on the floor in her sleeping bag.They have a waterbed about 2 1/2 feet off the ground. She woke up once and saw all the loving.

    We have to wait for the kids to be asleep at a decent time AND wait for one or both of the parents to be out of the house or asleep. Fun times. I feel your pain.

  12. Um. I’m confused about the whole guest post thing…

    This was written by the Queen, yes? Is The Kaiser just the bold? Did he just say the bow chicka thing?

  13. I got pregnant with Mallory at 14. Mason at 19. Morgan at 23. I’m now a 35 year old mother of BIG people. They can leave the house on sleepovers and everything and sex is FANTASTIC. (Plus, I got the whole “I’m-in-my-prime” thing going)

    See? You bitches shoulda had them kids earlier. Now that I’m ready to party, my kids are old enough to handle themselves.

  14. LMFAO @ madonna/whore.. i am cracking up!

  15. Sarah-Kaiser just did the bold

  16. Yes, I’m right there with you! And what’s worse for me is getting felt up when our daughter is right there in the room with us!

    I keep trying to explain to Aaron that if I’m dealing with Cordy, I’m in “mommy” mode and groping me will do nothing but piss me off and make me feel awkward. Apparently guys don’t have a complex like this at all – anytime is good for sex.

    There’s no way I could continue on with interruptions like the ones you described. At that point I’d abort the mission and try again another night.I’m sure it frustrates Aaron, but if I even hear a sigh over the monitor, my mind snaps out of sex goddess mode and right back to mommy mode.

  17. Oh yeah, I can relate… we snuck off to the half-bath after dinner the other night while the kids were watching tv! LOL…

    Sometimes those quickies are pretty hot, though!

  18. Apparantly my husband slept with his parents until 4 or 5 years old. My MIL has told me stories about it…they used to DO IT WITH HIM IN THE SAME BED!!!! Oh. My. God. As if that wasn’t bad enough, she said sometimes they had to calm down because it used to cause him to bang his head on the headboard!

  19. Ever since I read your comments I just can’t help wondering….what would happen if you sprayed this into the kaiser’s pants?

    Its been on my mind all day now….

  20. Sorry, I’d comment on this topic if I could just remember what exactly sex is. I know I’ve had it before…..I just can’t recall the details.

  21. I can COMPLETELY relate – what a great post. You are much braver than me – blogging about sex is so off-limits since my FIL reads my blog – rofl!

  22. In the early days it felt like my “switch” between Mommy and hot Italian luv-ah was a DIMMER SWITCH!

    It’s MUCH better now. In fact, with this particular delima, I would have to dub myself as a QUEEN! I can yell through the locked door, “Get a glass of water, go back to bed and pray and ask Jesus to help the scary thoughts leave your head!” … without even stopping!!

    Thankfully my children have never asked why I speak in a continuous meter, matching the beat of the headboard banging the wall.


  23. I haven’t laughed that hard since my husband said he wanted a piece of ass after I spent forty-eight hours taking care of sick kids and being sick myself.

  24. LOL Emily!

    I’d laugh more Queen if I could actually remember what it is you’re talking about! Sex? Sounds vaguely familiar…

    So at what point DO you regain virgin status anyway? 🙂

  25. Madonna Whore? Doesn’t she write children’s books now?

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