Sexual Healing

*Mom, Aunt MaryAnn, any other family members…GO AWAY. Really. I mean it. Unless you really want to know about my sex life. Mom. This is your last warning, your baby girl is going to discuss her whoo-ha. Leave. Leave now.****************

It had to be done, dear readers. My mother and family have been “reading the articles” so “you get more hits…is that right? hits?”

It’s the ads there on the left. They bring out the whore in me. So much so that my Mom braves nearly reading about my amazing blow job abilities.

Now to the matter at hand, it’s been a rough few weeks in these parts. Health wise. Green snot monsters. Diseases of the bowels. Fevers. Even some rashes.

Yet sex with the Kaiser has been UNREAL lately. Despite the ass whuppin I gave him in fantasy football. And his sticky snot and my bacteria infested intestines.

I don’t know who out there seems to think sex after marriage is nonexistent or minimal. I know that is the joke, but it’s not true. We just keep getting better by the anniversary around here. I’m not kidding. And it’s not easy to come up with new moves after 10 years.

I’ll be damn if we haven’t gotten crazy lately. Green snot and all.

Maybe that’s why I have a hard time with sitcoms and their “wife hates sex with the husband” story lines. Maybe that was true of our mother’s generation. But I think even that is outdated. Newsflash: women actually enjoy sex. With their husbands. No, really.

It’s an old joke. And it’s time it’s retired. Because I know we’re not the only ones fucking like rabbits. Watching porn. Sticking things in places that don’t normally see sticks. Getting it on in the office, the bed, the living room.

Or maybe I’m just feeling defensive about the state of marriage. Maybe I just feel everyone should know it can be amazing. Long lasting. Exciting. Worthwhile. Sensual. Sexy. Hot. Truthful.

Satisfying. Powerful.

And did I mention the hot monkey sex?


  1. PREACH IT SISTER!! I AGREE 100%!!! If you think it will be fun, GO FOR IT!! lol

  2. Girlfriend, I don’t know about whole “generations,” but I can tell you that that tired old cliche was certainly not true of MY parents. (See there? I one-upped you by discussing the sex life of MY PARENTS on YOUR blog! How cool is THAT?) And you know, I don’t get graphic and stuff, but yeah, um, the longer we’re together, the better it gets, and the most recent stuff HAS been the bomb (although there haven’t been “sticks” involved, because I would worry about splinters). Please tell me that my upcoming hysterectomy that I don’t want to have in the first place is not going to change that? Because it’s kind of super-great, the sex, and I don’t WANT it to change now? I don’t wanna be a sitcom cliche?

    Also, come on over to my place and play my silly little game. Please?

  3. Oh, and there’s a hyperlink up there. Under “silly little game.” It just doesn’t show up against the red.

  4. Wow…i’ve lost all faith in “marriage” since Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston broke up, but this blog entry of yours from a REAL woman in the REAL world really makes me re-think it and believe that a lasting marriage is possible! Thanks!

  5. I’m not sure where that no sex after marriage myth came from.

    I remember meeting a guy one time and when someone told him I was married he asked when I stopped giving blowjobs. I said “What do you mean?” and he said “You’re married. Married women don’t have to give blow jobs. When is the last time you gave head?” I said “Tuesday.” He was shocked.

    People don’t understand that marriage can be GUARANTEED LIVE IN SEX. If it isn’t, chances are you married the wrong person.

  6. Now here’s another post where I want to stand up and clap at the freaking monitor. Damn girl! I completely agree – Daren and I get better by the year too. Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay marriage! 🙂

  7. Thank You. Thank You. Thank You!

    Keep on preachin’ sister, it’s great to hear it!

    The Kaiser is a lucky lucky man.

    (Having some login problems with Blogger, I’m at

  8. Totally true. I married my husband because he was a hot piece of ass, so why wouldn’t sex be good just because we gave eachother shiny gold rings in front of relatives? I agree that whole sex after marriage comedy fodder is sooooooooooooooo over. It really is, I yawn. yawn, I say!!! That’s really what’s boring. The jokes about it, not the reality.


  9. Rock on, Sister, rock on.

  10. right, right, BUT how long after giving birth did it take to get back your mojo?

    i was quite worried when at baby’s 1st bday i was still only having gratuitous sex – i could have cared less. only since then (8 months) has it (my mojo) gotten progressively better – THANK GOD. phew. but i’m still afraid to have more kids.

  11. Agreed! Our sex life has only picked up since saying “I do”. Sure, there are times when we are tired, sick, etc., but we work to keep the romance alive and that’s what is making things so much stronger in our relationship.

    However, I didn’t always think this way. When The Hubby and I were dating, people would always ask us when we were getting married. I would say, “Never. I like sex too much and married people don’t have sex.” Boy was I wrong! (Thankfully)

  12. Been married 11 years and I couldn’t agree more. Hell…we have done things since I’ve been married that I only thought were sick twisted fantasies that would never ever happen when I was younger. Now I have had to come up with new sick and twisted fantasies. (ha ha)

    Here via Blogexplosion but I’ll be back.

  13. YAY! That gives me something to look forward to!

  14. Now that I’ve stopped blushing…..

    Okay, I’m still blushing. But yes. It’s better. Granted I don’t have anything to really compare it to, I know it’s better now after having a child. I think I’m more aware down there and feel things not just emotionally but much more physically. I’m not making much sense, but let’s just say I now have more muscle control.


    I cannot believe I’m writing this.

  15. I can think of nothing I want less on any day of the week than sex.
    My biggest fantasy is sleeping in a dark, silent room.
    I don’t even have energy to masturbate. It’s 1am. I have to be at work at 8am.
    Sex? I remember sex.
    I can’t remember if I liked it.

  16. Not being married yet, I am glad to know the best is yet to come.

  17. I have wood.

  18. Can someone please tell me EXACTLY what hot monkey sex is? I’ve seen monkeys have sex…and it didn’t seem all that hot. Of course, the sex I witnessed was in a zoo so maybe I’m missing something. Are there after hours monkey porn at the zoo or something?

  19. p.s.

    if you haven’t read it pick up The Ginger Man by J.P. Donleavy and hurry before they make a movie out of it next year. Sebastian Dangerfield is the main character and he “attends” Trinity.

  20. Yeehaw!

  21. I’m just glad somebody is getting some.

  22. Aviva and I are happy to see this post! In our busy lives some of us think we are too tired to have HMS (hot monkey sex). We dedicated an entire chapter of our book to this topic, it’s called “Guilt-free Pleasure-Time With Your Spouse”

    We’ll also give you the inside scoop on that chapter…When we got the galley copy of our book (the last form a book takes before the final edition gets printed and distributed) the “T” was missing in the word “Time”, so the chapter was “Guilt-free Pleasure- Ime With Your Spouse”. “Guilt-free Pleasure- I’m With Your Spouse” BIG Ooops!

    Find time to do it and do it as often as you can. If anything, it will bring on the other thing we parents crave…sleep!

  23. Hell yeah!!! 😉

  24. I haven’t been married for 10 years, hell we’ve been married just under 3, but I swear that our sexlife has gotten better every day. Even on days that we’re both SO tired…we’re never too tired to have sex. After our daughter was born, you know the six week deal?? We didn’t even make it a full week. How bad would that have sucked to go back to the dr to tell me I was prego again??? LMAO! But just being with him makes everything else in the world make sense to me. It’s not just about sex for us, it’s about growing together. I think that married sex ROCKS

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