Queen Amplification

As a mother, I have certain rights.

One of those rights is to drink at a playdate.

Another is the right to yell at my children whenever and wherever I see fit.

One of my 57 doctors (yes, I have 57 doctors…all younger than me and all following around the Chief just like on Scrubs) told me I can NOT raise my voice or yell for 4-6 weeks. Flippantly he added “So the kids and the husband get a pass for a good month.”

I didn’t laugh.

This is a problem. This is not going to work. How in the hell does a mother NOT raise her voice for 6 weeks? Just this afternoon the kids were in the playroom getting into trouble and my “please stop jumping on the couch” whisper from the living room was ignored. Or not even heard.

I need a megaphone. Or a microphone. Or some sort of bullhorn. 6 weeks of the Queen not yelling is just not going to cut it.

Email me at queenofspainblog@yahoo.com and I’ll give you my home address. I’ll take anything you’ve got.
Anyone with kids understands how dire the situation will be once the children (and husband) realize they won’t get a good Mommy Dearest screetch-fest when they do something awful.


  1. Water squirt bottle. It’s like training cats!

  2. Your easy solution? Taser. Not only is it effective, it’s fun to watch;)

  3. Queenie wrote: Mommy Dearest screetch

    Wow…why didn’t I think of it? WIRE HANGERS 😉

  4. You’re screwed. I’ll yell at them via phone if you’d like!

  5. Oh I was going to say squirt gun, but Jack’s Raging Mommy beat me to it.

  6. Airhorn, maybe? It would certainly get their attention.

  7. I’ll send you one of the microphone amplifier things we use in class. It can turn a whisper into a scream, trust me. 🙂


  8. Cattle prods are good.

    Also, I have found that those tranquilizer guns like Jim on Wild Kingdom used are very effective. Check eBay.

    If all else fails go to Academy and buy a ref’s whistle.


  9. My first thought was the VonTrapp children of The Sound of Music. But I guess using an obnoxious whistle, singing songs about whiskers on kittens, and making clothes out of curtains probably won’t help you in the least.

    My 2nd thought? Get drunk.

  10. Get an air horn. It will get their attention…it might make them poo themselves though.

  11. Whistle!

    I found one (still in the box) in the basement. Let me know if you’re interested and I’ll send it your way.

  12. I’m with Denise… an airhorn should stop them cold.

  13. Just carry around a baseball bat. You don’t need to use it, just threaten the clan every once in a while. That should do the trick.

  14. I have a tigger bicycle horn that’s loud as shit. A coworker gave it to me to use for getting everyone’s attention during meetings when everyone else is gathered in one meeting room & I’m conferenced in by phone (the downside of telecommuting. or maybe that’s another upside?)

  15. My first thought was air horn too. Get a holster to go with it and you’ll be all set. Well, also get a lot of paper towels to clean up the pee…

  16. See, I’m not a yeller, so it didn’t bother me too much when my coice was shaky after surgery. I usually tap them on the shoulder and give them a look and just point at whatever is making me mad. They totally get it (usually). Or else the whistle idea is a good one too…until they start ignoring it after a few tries. Good luck!

  17. One more question…are your doctors at least hot guys? Mine were, so the doctor visits didn’t bother me as much as they could have.

  18. My kids would be in heaven. I hope all the good advice works and I just may borrow some of it, as my voice gets rather hoarse from those days of much yelling!

    I hope it goes by fast, and painlessly!

  19. If only you had known about this before, then you could have recorded yourself yelling. Then you could play it back anytime you need to raise your voice at the kids!

    Hope you’re feeling better, by the way!

  20. I go with the air horn. But Lance’s idea of a baseball bat (visual only of course) might work just as well. I think I’d go crazy if I couldn’t yell. Yikes.

  21. Oh my word. Your children will walk all over you. Kids are such opportunists. I hope you get that bullhorn you need.

  22. Dude…get one of those boat horns..the kind in the can. Those things are loud as shit.


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