The Post My MOTHER Can NOT Read (part one)

Or her friends. Or the rest of my family. So go away.

Ok, is it just US now? Good.


I love you. I love you all in ways I can’t even describe. I think you are all amazing and smart and beautiful and blah blah blah blah.

Here is the deal. I KNOW you’ve heard the rumors. Don’t act all coy, there has been talk and I am now here to set you all straight:

I’ve been talking with your husbands.

Don’t freak out, but for some reason they all seem to come to me to chat. I’m like that naughty big sister they can ask their really embarrassing questions too and I’ll give them honest answers. I have no idea how I gained the “Let’s ask Queen” status, I’m guessing it’s the flashing of my tits, but whatever it is they seem to find the courage to talk with me about things they are totally and utterly afraid to discuss with you. I’m picturing them all in a huddle, muttering together, and pushing ONE to the front to ask me something…you? Anyway…

Don’t be mad. They’d rather talk to you, trust me. They would also rather NOT talk to me…but really want to get some things off their chests and do their best to figure you women out. This is their little way of doing something for you. No. Really. I know its hard to believe, but they come to me because they want to be closer to you. They want to get inside your head. Woo you. Romance you.
Ok, that’s all bullshit.

Really, they want you to swallow, and somewhere along the lines I became Queen of Blow Jobs and now they all flock to me to try and find a way to get YOU to take their cocks deep into your throat and let them go crazy.

Everyone just take a deep breathe there. I know that last sentence was difficult. It’s ok. Stay with me…breathe…

Let’s talk basics. If you are a partner who gives your man the occasional or frequent oral pleasure we need to discuss how you “finish.” We also need to discuss this epidemic of you jacking him off and licking his tip and calling it a “blow job” but we’ll save that for another post. Sure we all have our fetishes and our own “way” of doing things. No one should ever do anything they don’t want to do and no one should do something that doesn’t bring them pleasure…but let’s get real here…the experience of oral is also the ending…sucking and licking only to end with your hand is a let down. I know. I know. Sad, but true.

The men though, they have let me in on a little secret. “Swallow” is the term most used, but I have it on good authority so long as it ends in your mouth you don’t actually need to GULP…it’s the location more than anything. The consistency, as it were. Takes it up to 11, if you know what I mean. Now personally I don’t have any issues with swallowing (you are all shocked I know) but some of you may have some gag issues and some ICK factor going on. Normal. Totally normal. Not your thing. I get it…but can I ask…and don’t kill me here…not your thing because you’ve tried and just think its gross or not your thing because just the thought seems disgusting? I’m just asking…because, you know, we say to the kids all the time “as least try it first…”

Ok, ok, how about some practical ways to tackle this: Might I offer the advice of trying different angles? Not straight on…but with him on his side and you sliding down on your side? Or him OVER you in a 69 so you get some fun too, which might make you forget about the whole gag/gross thing? You’d be amazed what you suddenly can do, or not mind doing, while he’s making you moan…

Try it.

Now you might be saying to me right now..”he’s just lucky he’s getting ANY,” and yes…this is true. These husbands and boyfriends and partners should NOT be picky about the quality…or should they?

I mean, I know as well as you do that when I want something I expect my partner get to it and do it RIGHT. I’m rather demanding that way, and not just when it comes to sex. Of course there may not be a right or wrong way to get someone off, but I’ll be damned if a whole lot of your husbands would like to see a bit more “effort” on your part.

Yes, I’m tired too..and yes, they are selfish bastards…but if we’re going to go through with getting them snoring in 2.4 minutes then let’s do it with some GUSTO! Enough of my cheerleading and rah rah blow your husbands…let’s get back to what they say…

…after “swallow” on their list of fun stuff..are you ready to hear what else they want? Do you care? Because there is more…and I feel it’s my duty to tell you all, because their whining is getting overwhelming and I finally need to just break down and talk about it.

If it makes you feel any better I make them “listen” and “help” you in return. Don’t worry, I’m representing for you too. Those flowers you got last week? All me. That new little nighty? Yea, me too. He might have even offered to take the kids while you got an uninterrupted bubble bath, thank me later.

We can get more practical “technique” or I can dish more on what they tell me they like and want..or both, your call. Either way I’m here and I’m ready to spill.

Oh, you can breathe again…go ahead, I’m done now.


  1. Not sure what to say here other than if you weren’t and I wasn’t we would be.

  2. Wow…and, well, wow!

  3. This is like advanced stuff for some of us husbands. We’re still working on the first step, just getting her to want to start the engines…

  4. Queen of Spain says:

    ..and we shall tackle that and more Neil…oh yes we will…I am a Queen OF the people…

  5. But what is there is something REALLY good on tv?

    (only because I know EVERYTHING. And no, I won’t tell.)

  7. I am, uh, um, hmmn, speechless. And, hoping the husband NEVER reads this.

  8. You are too generous with the simple tips! Dang, if all the girls start doing that, then the ones of us who already get it won’t seem as special anymore! (I guess my selfishness is why I’m not the Queen.)

  9. You crack me up. Totally. And I’m a swallower, too, so I wasn’t at all surprised by this! Men love it. Women should do it. Bottom line.

  10. I’m a huge fan of 69 – funny how a little pleasure can make everything easier … or maybe it’s the angle?! I don’t know!

    If a pastor’s wife can do it …

  11. I told you this already but I think women need to know that it’s okay to be a whore in bed with whoever the fuck they want. We ought to own that power. It’s okay to masturbate, to enjoy sucking cock, to love getting fucked in the ass – whatever blows your skirt up.
    I thank Erin over and over for teaching me things my Mommy never would. You can ask this woman ANYTHING and she will be straight with you – totally.
    Erin – you need your own sex series of How to books.

  12. Queen of Spain says:

    Karen just said “blows your skirt up”

    sorry, sudden burst of immaturity with all this sex talk…couldn’t help it

  13. It’s all about getting into the moment. I’m with ya QoS. I may be your East Coast counterpart for the boys with the questions.

    Please get on board with me here though and remind the guys a shower every once in a while might get them a little more.

  14. Queen of Spain says:

    MammaLoves brings up a really good point here kids…WAFT is BAD.

  15. Remember, it’s also good for the environment.

  16. Strong women pump their own gas, do their own house repairs, and swallow.
    It’s rude to spit, after all.

  17. I think one point that my foxy foxy lady is making is that COMMUNICATION cannot be over estimated. Guys, if you want something and don’t tell her exactly what it is, you can’t be surprised when she doesn’t give you exactly what you want. In fact, same thing with girls. We’ve been having crazy hot monkey sex for over a decade now, and we still talk to each other about what we want. Both while we’re doing it and while we’re just talking about it. And really listen. If you get your partner hot enough they’ll be more likely to want to get you that way as well. Man, I can’t wait to get blown tonight.

  18. I have been a lurker for months, totally enjoying your writing. I am laughing so hard, I love it. I will look forward to more to cum….sorry to hard not too….

  19. And don’t forget Steak and Blowjob day, March 14th:

    Not that you must wait for that one day but it’s just a nice thing to do for them when they put up with the Valentine’s Day crap every year for us. 🙂

  20. You are so not representing me, babe.
    We’re just different. That’s all.
    It doesn’t mean I’m wrong.

  21. I will never ever forget the first time I was with someone who obviously had not been with anyone who had ever swallowed. I am shocked that anyone would do it any other way. I think it is grosser to spit because if it is already towards your throat, why would you want to do anything BUT swallow? But you know, to each his/her own and whatever. I’m sort of a perfectionist, so when I do something, I’d like to do it right/make my partner the happiest I can.

    Also? Seriously? Someone is questioning that your relationship isn’t healthy? From what I know of you, you are the perfect couple and both seem pretty happy.

    You are awesome. I can’t wait to read part 2.

  22. LOL about the previous comment – hee hee hee.

  23. find out if they like it when we play with the twin boys or if that’s distracting…
    also, I heard it’s 300 calories per swallow. If that’s true, I’d rather “blow” my weight watchers points on chocolate cake. I appreciate the tips!

  24. Queen of Spain says:

    You know Candace…someone once gave me info on the pts..and I swear it was like 0 pts.

    Need to go check.

  25. Queen of Spain says:

    Dude…Kaiser’s got some HIGH hopes there. 😉

  26. Queen of Spain says:

    …and I’m saying “Dude” a LOT today. Make me stop

  27. Dude, it’s not like you HAVE to swallow.

  28. candace appreciates the “tips” – bwahaha

    Oh my… sorry, just had to y’know, spew.


    I don’t see what the big deal is … it is like active mayonnaise, after all.

  29. Seriously, I swear it is the stink factor for me too. My husband just forgets to bath himself often enough. Once every 3 days does not mean we have sex everyday. I am busy with my own bathing and the kids and the cat and the fish and school. So really, ya want more sex? Better sex.

    Bathe. Seriously. Very excellent point.

  30. I’ve always swallowed. I gave a roommate tips on how I gave blow jobs once and the next day her boyfriend thanked me.


    I expect my boyfriend to do for me and I enjoy doing for him. I think that’s healthy. And fun!

  31. Men love it. Women should do it. Bottom line.

    This should be a greeting card.

  32. Hubby gets a bj once or twice a week, so frequency is good here. I have tried to swallow(yes, tried!) and it makes me vomit. Literally. It’s the taste, because even letting it get in my mouth sends me heaving.

    BUT….I have found a compromise.

    As soon as he gets really close, get the tongue action going on the shaft and backside of the tip, and aim the stream the other way, and continue doing so while he blows his load. He gets the sensation all the way through, and I get to not clean vomit off the bed.

  33. I just cannot swallow. Nope. My husband’s volume is about 3X the normal ejaculate. (I know that due to lots of sperm counts because of infertility) It’s over 15 mls per and that is just NOT right. Oh hell NO!

  34. I agree with Tori, it’s easier to swallow. And the obvious appreciation is SO worth it.

    Here’s a pointer for the men: Get into it! Moan or something! I’ve had the occasional guy just lay there, and I’m like, “um, should I stop? Are you not enjoying this?” Making me second-guess my abilities is NOT hot. And if it really isn’t working for you… that would be an excellent time to make a suggestion. My whole purpose at that moment is to make YOU happy. For goodness sake, tell me what you like!

    And as for the other guys… You’re welcome. And thank YOU.

  35. Oddly enough, I never considered not swallowing. It seems rude. Maybe that is why my husband married me.

  36. Oh, man, you are making me kind of miss having sex (with someone other than myself, I mean).

  37. If it’s the taste that gets you, have your guy eat pineapple. Yes, it really works… go ask a doctor. But it does take a couple of weeks.

  38. btw-just found your blog and absolutely love it!!

  39. I’m new to your blog. Fantastic intro. I’m still laughing.

  40. And ladies… if you are a little queasy about the whole Gulp ‘n Blow… or Blow ‘n Gulp if you will… might I suggest refraining from cooking asparagus or cabbage the week before. Believe me… not nagging him to eat his vegetables that week will only make things easier for you to… stomach.

  41. Omigod, just imagining about the asparagus & cabbage results… nearly retching…

  42. thanks but after being forced into that when Iwas a teenager on the second worst night of my life… can’t do it.

    nice advice though. 😛

  43. Can we talk timing too?
    I mean….does it look like your almost 5 months pregnant wife wants to talk dirty and blow you at 10:30 at night when she is laying draped across a chair in her sweats with HUGE belly sticking out!?

    I mean…whoot whoot if that strikes the man as HAWT…but COME ON!!!!

  44. Wow, a Mom who isn’t shy about showing her tits on the internet says everything a man tries to explain. Hell, most of us would be happy with a little more missionary and would be ecstatic if our s/o spontaneously bent over the edge of the bed some (god forbid) weeknight!

    Ladies, you don’t know how much your husband/bf/so would appreciate that.

  45. All I can say is that I am the luckiest man on the planet, because my wife rocks (for reasons I won’t even begin to list but BJ’s are on there somewhere).

    My wife is my best friend, lover, and spouse, so I’d do anything to make her happy, whether it be massages, flowers, or hot dirty sex (or all three, but damn those rose thorns hurt). She does likewise. I can’t imagine at least not TRYING it!

    Great post Queenie!

  46. In case you didn’t find the, ahem, “nutritional information” you were looking for, it’s between 2 and 18 calories per, ahem, serving.

    And please excuse the, ahem, throat clearing.



  1. […] Queen of Spain wrote a provocative piece today dispensing tips to women on giving oral sex to their man.  This is probably one of the most important issues in the world today, because I feel that if there was more oral sex in the world, there would be world peace. […]

  2. […] may have. Many of you have already sent in suggestions through Queen of Spain Blog and the popular “swallow” post. Please keep the ideas “coming!” Giggle. Bookmark to: Posted by admin @ 4:51 pm […]

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