Dear Florida

Now that the threat of fires and asthma attacks are out of my mind, I’ve popped my head up to take a look around.

Can I just say…WHAT THE HELL???

Don’t get me wrong Florida. I love you. I really do. I even lived here once. I love that you have Mickey and Keys and air boats. I love that the space shuttle lives here and beach casual applies everywhere, even the fancy places. I love that you made it possible for me to only administer ONE inhaler to my son before he went to bed tonight.

But between you and’re pretty fucked up.

I know this is a small thing…but…today, I went to the grocery store and was browsing the wine. Then I realized the liqueur was next door. Why is that, exactly? I mean, if you want to put all your booze in a whole other store that’s one thing…but why is the wine still allowed? Is it more acceptable to get drunk off a merlot than say vodka? Are you just trying to make my life difficult? I mean, you realize I will forgo the groceries before I forgo the hooch, right?

Then there are these um…people…that live around here. What’s with all the Bush/Cheney bumper stickers? Is that really still a source of pride ? And why are they all on cars with gun racks and confederate flag logos? Is that even still like…accepted? Just wondering…

I also noticed everyone here is from somewhere else. I get that one. We do that a lot where I live now. The natives are really proud to be natives and the rest of us are just hoping to be accepted into the California club. 8-9 years (?) I’ve been there now and I still like that club.

I’m also having a hard time with sports lasting until 1am around here. And I can’t wake up on Sunday and immediately turn on pregame. That’s annoying….but I don’t blame you, oh Florida…that’s an East Coast problem.

Oh, and any particular reason there are more churches per block than trees? Do that many people even LIVE around here? I am envisioning like 3 parishioners per church.

Then there is the issue of your um…history. See you had this governor when I lived here..and he didn’t like me too much. He once mentally patted my head and called me “Mzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz Kotecki” rather fratboy like. Then we kinda had some words.

So yeah, now that I’m here and looking around you sort of freak me out. But…I love you just the same. You’re much like Gidge says…”wang of america” and all.
However you provided me with clean air and blue skies so I can’t hate. You also allow me the opportunity to see some kick ass friends.

So, I just scratch my head and shuffle over to the liqueur store next to where I can buy the wine and laugh. Then I explain to the kids we have to wait to get pumpkins because the church pumpkin patch isn’t open on Sundays.



  1. Hey now, gun racks are sacred – stop with dissing the gun racks. Why just yesterday I was wiping down my hot pink gun rack in my Monster truck.

    ***heh heh****

    I’m so glad you’re breathing easy. Our air is perfectly clear here and my son sounds like he needs to be under the nebulizer.

  2. I know what you mean. My parents had sex in N.Y. and I ended up opening my eyes in Miami, scary huh? Glad to hear the asthma thing is under control. Oh, and don’t forget to gather a few sea shells while you are down there.

  3. LOL..Everything you’ve written(including the lovebugs)..TOTALLY everyday normal in the south. You guys can buy liquor in your grocery stores in CA? Even on Sundays?

  4. Florida is sooooo much more liberal than Chattanooga, TN. If that was a culture shock to you, you really should take a drive thru here sometime. We do, in fact, still love Bush / Cheney. If we don’t have rifles in our gun rack, we use them to hold carpenter levels – or at least that’s what my dad always did. And I drive by 3 churches to get to my own and that’s only an 8 minute drive. But there are at least 300 in each, not 3 as you imagine. I think we can buy alcohol on Sunday’s now, but that was not always the case. For decades, you could purchase softer things – like beer and wine, but not hard liquor on Sundays. Probably why it was semi-logical to have wine at a store, but not liquor. You have to also realize there are fairly large groups of people who will not shop at a store that sells liquor.

  5. *SNORT*

  6. Wow I’ve never been to Florida, but it sounds freakishly like Oklahoma:
    Gun racks and Bush/Cheney stickers – check
    Churches everywhere – check
    And the only difference in the liquor situation is that the grocery stores don’t even sell wine — we have to go to a liquor store to buy our booze. And we also only have 3.2 beer, rather than 6 point.

    I can tell I’m totally selling you on a vacation here.

  7. OH honey…I’m sorry that it happened the way it happened, but it’s probably good that you’ve stepped out of CA for a while to see what the rest of the country is suffering from. Of course, maybe I need to leave OK once in a while to understand that maybe it’s not the whole country? Please? Please don’t let it be the rest of the country!

  8. And when you go to church, you wear your dress flipflops with your long denim skirt and winnie the pooh t-shirt, and then you go to Wal-Mart to buy bullets for your rifle while some nice lady blogger is just trying to outfit her kid for a weekend camping trip. Sigh. What was I thinking–I’m not a duck, I didn’t have to migrate here?

  9. Just to clarify, I have never worn flip-flops of any kind, nor a t-shirt of any character while attending church. I do however own a long denim skirt, but not the A-line frumpy kind.

  10. One word… Utah.

  11. wang of america…perfect.

  12. Do you know that all this time I’ve been reading Gidge’s blog, I never made that connection? Florida…hangs down…like a wang…DUH.

    We have to wait until NOON before we can buy liquor on Sundays here in Michigan. People still dress up for church though, not that I’ve been to one in a long time, but as I drive by them on Sunday afternoons I see people coming out, the ladies in dresses, hose, and heels, the men in suits. While I’m home blogging on the couch in my t-shirt and sweatpants. I’m going to hell.

  13. Oh dear. Here in NY you can beer and cheap wines at the grocery stores. However when you want the vodka or captain morgan or any other hard stuff you must go to the liquor stores for that!
    Its good that the asthma is under control!
    Here in NY we have churches everywhere for every religion and they all dress up: dresses, hose, high heels and suits and ties.

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