Joey baby…you are on minute 14

I was never one of the “good� girls. I liked sex. I liked fun. I liked men. I liked women. And I liked to party.

And then I found the one man I could hump for the rest of my life and bore his children.

I still like sex. I still like fun. I still like men. I still like women. And I still like to party.

But let me make something clear; from my promiscuous years to my marital fidelity, I have always been in control of my body. And I have always respected myself, my mind, and the line between whore and sexually adventurous woman.

Which is why I’d like to put Joe Francis, the owner of the “Girls Gone Wild� empire on notice.

Joey, sweetie, honey, baby: Hi there. I’m the Queen of Fucking Spain. And I’m a mother. And you had better believe your 15 minutes of fame are very close to being up.

Now, wait a second there. No. I’m not some nutjob fundamentalist. Or right winger. Or conservative crazy. Or even slightly religious. In fact, I’m as Cali liberal as they come.

You see, sugar tits, there is a new breed of “MILF� out there, raising a new breed of young woman. We’re hot. We’re confident, and we sure as shit are not giving away our selves for a fucking hat and thong. No, sweeties. No.

Sure, you weren’t around back in the day when I was flashing truckers on my way to spring break for a cheap thrill and giggles. But you see, had that trucker offered to film me, I would have walked away in disgust. There is a line, and you’ve crossed it with those young, stupid, stupid girls you film.

Do they want to be on camera? Yes. They sure do. Are they consenting? Sure seems like it. Are they dumb as rocks? Yeah, I think so. But I don’t really blame those girls. Ok. I blame them a little. But really I blame the society and culture they were raised in and around. The one that worships Paris and pokes fun at Hillary. The one that promises them riches and fame if they show their ass and carry a small dog in a purse. The one that has them puking their brains out to get into those size 0’s. How can I blame the young, young girls that know nothing else? And are told by men like you that they are smokin’ and your dick in their cunts could be their lucky break?

Alas, foolish Joey. This new breed of Mom, the one with hot pink and leopard print dishwashing gloves…she’s on to you. She’s going to work like hell to raise a substantial, strong, and sexy daughter who will crush you.

There is an Army of us raising sexy strong smart daughters who will take you apart, bit by bit, video by video, thong by thong, until your empire crumbles.

For the record. I like porn. I like raunch. I just like it smart. And you, Mr. Francis, are doing anything but smart by taking advantage of this current generation of women. Call yourself a businessman, an entrepreneur, whatever. But what you really are is a frat boy who hit the big time by using and abusing women.

I hope you put money away for your retirement, because it’s coming sooner than you think.

Oh, and Claire Hoffman of the LA Times…you rock my Mommyblog world.

To all the men I’ve beaten down before

There is nothing like a snarky woman in your fantasy football league to spice things up.

Try three. The girls and I are officially part of the Blog Pound League some Daddybloggers and Draft Day Suit bloggers put together. And while Sarah and Gidge really know their football, my NFL knowledge is above par, yet still lacking. So I am resorting to Guerrilla Warfare.

The boys have already started talking smack. And if there is one thing I do really well (hey, hey…out of the gutter there boys-but you’d be right on that too) it’s speak to grown men like they are helpless children. I’ll start with the usual verbal assaults, but don’t think I’m above a long monologue about my period and tampons just to make you weep and beg for mercy.

You boys know that women never play fair. So expect me to cheat and catfight my way to the pot of gold in this league. I’ll have you quitting because your WIFE won’t let you play with that bitch anymore. Is that PORN on your computer again? Did it really come from that GIRL in your fantasy league??? Oh yeah, I will stoop that low.

So I figure with the boys out of the way, my only real competition is the gals. Sarah will put too many Bucs players on her team to be a real threat. I’m hoping Gidge gets overwhelmed with the whole “has a job� thing and misses some key transactions.

That just leaves me. And my ample breasts. Which I will use and abuse in order to win money. And fame. And glory.

Oh, and Sarah…I totally blame you for my new obsession with fantasy football. You’ve created a monster.

Shiney New Blog

mhouse 006.jpgThe Queen requests you update your blogrolls to reflect the change. Yes, that’s

The Queen also admits she has no idea how to work this wordpress thingy. So she’s off to shave her royal poon instead.

As you can plainly see, she’s already f’d up the photo sizes. Not to mention the post that was here a few hours ago, plugging the UBER fabbbuuu BLOGME (oh, lookie there, we made a link) craziness that will occur on Monday.

IF we (that’s the Royal WE) can figure this out by then.

I will be at Blogher and DotMoms this weekend. Just for the hell of it, I may post at Draft Day Suit, too. Kick off the new homebase blog with a bang.