I’m More Intimidated by Cows Than the White House

crossposted at BlogHer.com

I have to admit, when I get driving directions that include “The road is CR 12345, but I think a cow knocked over the sign. Ha!” I not-so-silently freak out a little.

When I see tweets from Ree Drummond that say “My cowlick is violent.” I immediately think one of her calves got loose and attacked her and then I calm down a little and realize she’s probably talking about hair.

It’s not that I don’t love fresh air, and cattle, and beautiful open spaces…it’s that I’m an urban girl and nature scares the bejesus out of me. (For those that can remember my live-tweeting and blogging of a camping trip in West by-god Virginia last year, you will understand. Every sound made me jump and every bug made me scream.)

Which means Friday as I travel to the middle-ish of the country to The Pioneer Woman’s PIONEER life, I’m a bit more intimidated than when I set foot in 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue. No really.

Dirt roads scare me more than men in power ties.

BlogHer is filming it’s first episode of “Putting it All Together” – and as the Producer of Special Projects I will be there doing whatever it is I do in these situations. But more importantly, I’ll be wondering if a tornado is coming, running from charging cows (what? cows there must be mean because all the happy cows live in California, duh) and worried what bugs might land on me. EEEW NATURE! GET IT OFF!

Yes, I realize that Ree lives in an actual home and there is running water and everything…but this doesn’t help my irrational mind process that I’m going to a CATTLE RANCH IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE.

It reminds me of the first time my husband took me to see his family in West Virginia. I asked him if it was possible to “fall off” the family mountain. He’s still laughing. No really, over a decade later and he’s still laughing. But in my defense I had never been to West Virginia and he kept talking about this mountain which I assumed was like any other mountain…you know, with cliffs and what not. So let’s just say my “country” living knowledge is very, very limited and therefor I get quickly intimidated in situations such as…oh, say…hopping a plane and traveling to where the wind comes sweeping down the plains.

And BlogHer is used to me in this sort of situation too… in fact, I just sent in my expense report from SXSW where I attempted to make the most of my stay at the Four Seasons. Erin = White House and room service. Erin = Cattle ranch? Do you see the math problems here? Maybe it’s more like Erin = spoiled brat who could probably use a few good nights on the farm…but…I digress.

My kids, however? They think I am the LUCKIEST WOMAN ALIVE and had a very large debate the other night over which they would like to do more: Go to work with Mommy at a cattle ranch or Disneyworld.

And guess what? The cattle ranch won by a long shot.

So as I pack up yet another suitcase and attempt to NOT throw in things like my emergency earthquake kit (it has rations!) and my red cowboy boots (there are cows, and cowboys, seems like I should be required to wear them, no? or will I be trying too hard to blend?) I’m going to try and let go of my fears and embrace my children’s perspective on my trip to the country: “Mom has the best. job. ever.”

Maybe, before it’s all said and done, my husband’s premonition will be right and I’ll be begging him to sell our house in Los Angeles and buy a farm in the middle of nowhere. In which case I will change my blog name to Queen of Country and trade in my minivan for a truck.

If all else fails, I’ll have Montana girl and BlogHer CEO Lisa Stone, Sheila, and Loralee there with me to make sure I don’t get into any trouble. Oklahoma is a red state, after all.

Contributing Editor Erin Kotecki Vest also blogs at Queen of Spain blog and would much rather talk Health Care Reform than Cattle.