Frustration doesn’t really even begin to describe how I feel right now.
I’m somewhere between wanting to train for a marathon and give up to just not be in pain anymore.
Don’t read into that. It doesn’t mean anything more than it says. Pain sucks.
I’m beyond unhappy with my body and beyond unhappy with having been back in the hospital and going through another round of treatment and having the flu in the house and Republicans all up in my vagina.
I feel like I’m a burden …again. I feel like I am no good to anyone around here and their lives suck because of me and all the things I can’t give them or can’t do.
I look like some 200lbs version of myself that I hate more than I hate … I don’t know… more than I hate the Colorado Avalanche.
That’s a lot of hate.
But that is the honest truth of life with Lupus. And tomorrow I may wake up feeling fine and the kids better and I will smile and be thankful for a great day with my family. It’s that simple and that complex.
I want to blog more, and write and push all my words onto the page but I don’t want to scare anyone. I want to sleep and rest more, and gain strength and get healthy and mount the biggest comeback the world has ever seen.
But more than anything, I just want to be. Making those around me happy and content. Making those around me unafraid and without worry.
I want to be able to take care of my family- simple things like making lunches and driving back and forth to school. Cooking dinner. Doing the dishes. Daily activities, as the doctor calls them.
I don’t think that is too much to ask.
So that is where I plan to concentrate my efforts and my energy: those around me. They need it. I need it. We all need it- with some space to breath and grow.
The good news is all of my current medical issues appear to be medication related. The bad news is all of my current medical issues appear to be medication related. This balancing act continues. But I have no doubt we’ll get to a place where it feels like home.
That is all I ask for. It is all I want. And I will get what I want.
Feel better soon! Pain really sucks the joy out of life sometimes! I’m there too, but like you said…tomorrow we may wake up and find things a little better…okay to enjoy our family again. Sending you healing balms of peace!
You do what you need to do. Hugs.
Sorry you are in so much pain and I am sorry the Red Wings didn’t win tonight. I hope they find the best combination for you of meds so you can get back to your old life. You are a great motivator and thanks for telling us like it is and not beating around stuff. I love what you have been posting and educating women on. It is priceless now I hope you can get healthy enough so these debates don’t have your bp skyrocket.
Sorry you are hurting and thanks for being so open. I have a 26 yo stepdaughter who was diagnosed with Lupus at age 18. It is hard to watch someone you love in pain and not be able to help and I know that medical help is sometimes hard to come by. Hope you feel better very soon.
You will get there, I have no doubt about it. As much as it horribly sucks right now, “home” is right there with your family. You are all they need. Not a superstar version of you, but you. That incredible loving passionate hard fighting redheaded you. Xoxo
You’re perfect, just as you are, Erin.
And in that perfection, you will find your way to where ever you choose to be, even if it
seems to take time and doesn’t always happen as quickly as your mind might demand it. Healing takes time, honey. Healing with a houseful of people is HARD!!
You are NOT a burden. You are an AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, WONDERFUL, LOVING, TALENTED Young Woman/Mother/Wife/Friend/Writer.
I love you, sweetpea, and I know MANY others do as well.
Rest, breathe in as much calm as you can and know that healing is happening.
LOVeLovELove,
S
Hey Erin,
Even though we’ve never met, (but we live in the same geographical area YEE-HAW!!) I just wanted to let you know that you are one of my most favorite humans in the world!! I look forward to reading and interacting with you everyday. So just know that I, as well as countless others appreciate you and your beautiful soul.
Sending you lots of warm fuzzies and positive juju!!
xoxo, Laura : )
Laura we really need to meet… let’s make sure we do something about that, ok?
YES!! Let’s do…I’d be up for that for sure!! Wanted to go to the LA Derby Dolls match but already had RSVP’d to a pryor event. See you or chat soon!! Mwahs!! ~ : )