A royal decree

I need to clear something up. Not because I should. But because I want too.
Poke the sleeping Bear. I dare you.
It has come to my attention that not everyone lets their kids sleep in bed with them and some people actually let their children scream themselves to dreamland.
Shut up. Really?
To be more accurate, its come to my attention I’m a bad parent. And because I don’t do things the normal way, my kids, apparently, manipulate me and will grow up to be freaks.
Normally this is where I would play nice and say “we all do things different, and different isn’t wrong. Its whatever works for each family!”
But today I’m feeling more like, umm…
Lets be real here, my Mommy friends. We all don’t agree on certain parenting issues. And the reason we don’t agree ISN’T because we live in this nicety-nice playground world, where you just happened to choose to let your kid cry it out and I just happened not too. If it were that easy, everyone could play nice together. But its not. I choose not to let my kids cry it out because I simply don’t believe in it. Other parents do.
And its like religion or politics. Either you tolerate and listen to the other side’s reasons, or you act like an ass and try and convert everyone to your ways. Admittedly I think all cry-it-out parents are wrong. But it works for them. So who am I to tell them not too? I also think Christians, Jews, Hindus, Muslims, etc. are wrong…but so long as they are happy and not hurting me, live and let live baby. (Republicans suck too, by the way)
BUT, some of those on the other side of the issue have not-so-recently told me I was wrong. And instead of living and let live, I was told I was hurting my children.
In case you haven’t noticed, I am the Queen. Big Mistake, asshole.
So I am sick of playing nice. I’m sick of saying we should all try and support eachother’s parenting decisions when clearly we think some of them are dead wrong. Why should we hide this fact and try and placate eachother like we’re back in high school?
Oh Suzie I think you’re hair looks so cool today, and I really love your shoes.
Nope, you know what. I’m done playing pattycake with you other mother’s out there. You want a piece of me? You got it.
And for those of you who just live and let live, and are nice about it…bravo. Apparently you are above this crap. Most days I’m with you, but today…I am not. Here we go:

Formula sucks. I breastfeed because its the best thing for my kids.
I breastfeed on demand. Find me a person who is hungry at the same exact time, every single day, and I’ll consider scheduling feeds.
I breastfeed for nourishment and for comfort. Suckling at mom’s breast provides everything a baby could want in the world, the sucking motion, and Mamma close.
I don’t use pacifiers. They interfere with breastfeeding.
I don’t use bottles. They interfere with breastfeeding.
We cosleep. Breastfeeding is much easier this way. It provides comfort to both children. My husband works long hours and loves reconnecting with the kids everynight. “If Mommy and Daddy get someone to sleep with, why do I have to sleep all by myself?” Is not an issue.
Slate did a great defense of cosleeping here. (the original url has moved…but that link has the full text)
No, I don’t think my kids will be freaks for having slept with us. In case your small mind was not aware, most of the REST OF THE WORLD does this. But I suppose you are the type of person who thinks foreigners are freaks.
My kids will leave our bed when they are ready. My kids will wean from the breast (the Count weaned at 19 months, gasp! he’s very well adjusted, just so you know) when they are ready. Its a milestone. Its a right of passage. I will help both issues along, but ultimately its up to the child to grow up and gain that independence. I am in no rush to rush my babies.
Now, the big one: we don’t cry it out.
I was never a fan of Ferber. It just seemed cruel. And wrong. But I thought I was alone. Then, early on in my first pregnancy I read Elizabeth Pantley’s The No-Cry Sleep Solution.
Horray! There were other parents who found ferberizing EVIL!
Basically, I believe what Pantley says on trying to Ferberize: “I thought, ‘This approach is responding to a child’s needs? This is teaching her that her world is worthy of her faith and trust? This is nurturing?’ I decided…they were horribly intolerably, painfully wrong. I was convinced that this was a simplistic and harsh way to treat another human being, let alone the little love of my life.”

She goes on to quote other experts:
“A child can not comprehend why you are ignoring his cries for help. Ignoring your baby’s cries, even with the best of intentions, may lead him to feel that he’s been abandoned.”

Basically you stick your kid in room, and after a few nights of screaming her/his head off, they realize that Mommy or Daddy WON’T come. That he/she can NOT rely on Mommy or Daddy. That he/she’s only way of communicating is IGNORED. And that they are alone. So they GIVE IN TO THEIR BASIC INSTINCT, and fall asleep.

I’m sorry, but I’m teaching my children that not only are their voices heard, but Mommy or Daddy will always respond. I’ve been told this is how the child manipulates me.

Fucking ridiculous.

If my baby is crying simply because she wants to be held, and its 2am, I am going to hold her at 2am. She has a basic need, and I will meet her basic needs. COMFORT IS ONE OF THOSE NEEDS. And as difficult as it may be for you to haul your ass out of bed at 2am, you are not just a day time parent. Shutting your child in a room and letting them cry so you can sleep is LAZY parenting. Must be nice not to have to work nights.

Ok. Now that I’ve gotten all that off my chest. I’d like to say that I know many of you don’t have kids that will breastfeed, or you are not able to breastfeed. Or kids that will sleep with you. Or do anything BUT cry before they pass out. Even when you are comforting them. And I’m sure you’ve found a way that works for you. Good for you.

I’ve found a way that works for me. And I’ll defend it to the death. And the next time I’m called a bad parent, and told I’m fucking up my kids, I’m punching you in the face instead of blogging.

Huh, so this is how all those holy wars start.


  1. Elizabeth Pantley saved my life, or at least my sanity, when Duncan was 8 weeks old. I could NOT get him to sleep in his crib during the day, and everyone told me that he MUST. Of course, thats clearly ridiculous and he has grown into being a world class champion sleeper all on his own. I get so tired of trying to affirm everyone for their best parenting efforts, but all my Mummy friends know if they bring up sleep I’ll break out the Pantley 🙂 It was in the news not long ago that even Ferber thinks Ferberizing is a bad idea now.

  2. Wow… Tell me who and why? I can help you go kick some mommy ass!

    Why is it that moms are so judgemental of other moms? Are we not hard enough on ourselves that we need others to question our parenting skills? We all find our own way, what is best for us and our children. I think you are a wonderful mum, you love your kids, and that is what is important.

    BTW, I love Elizabeth Pantley, lucky for me Pumpkin is a good lil sleeper, so I did not need “The No Cry Sleep Solution”, but I do refer to “Gentle Baby Care” all the time.

  3. You know, I thought long and hard about “outing” the person who EMAILED me after a heated debate on another blog. But decided against it. Their 15 minutes are up, you know? But I got an email. And I was told I was turning my kids into hippy freaks and doing them a disservice. Essentially.

  4. I started out as a single mom, so I had to try anything and everything! I breastfed till 6 months, then he weaned himself. I was the heartbroken one. And *BIG GASP* I still let my 9 year old sleep with me on occasion. I figure he won’t want to even hang with mom for much longer, I won’t be cool. I’ll take whatever time he gives me for now. And other moms can come get a piece of me too! LOL

    I have to say I adore your blog! Keep writing!

  5. There was also a time when “everybody” thought that women weren’t smart enough to hold the vote. They were wrong then too.
    Seriously, at the end of the day they are your kids, your responsibility, and your challenge. You’ve figured out what works for you and what doesn’t. For me, the answer was somewhere in the middle on all of those issues. The fact is I never asked anyone what they thought about the decisions I made, but somehow I always knew. And guess what, after almost 10 years of being a mom (9 of them as a single parent) I’ve determined that sometimes I was right, and sometimes I wasn’t.
    Keep an open mind and listen to those who have gone before you, you can always learn more and better ways to parent your child (and really, what’s the harm in listening to new ideas?), but at the end of the day YOU are the only one who can decide what’s best for you and your family. People have the right to be wrong, and unfortunately they won’t always realize that they are.
    Ignore anyone who tries to make you feel like you’re not a great mom… as mothers, we can do that all by ourselves without any help from anyone else! (well, at least I can).
    I figure my son will either grow up to be The President or a felon (hmmm… or maybe both)… the vote is still out and the ballot changes everyday! This is my ride and my challenge and personally, I’m loving every minute of it… obnoxious do-gooders and all.

  6. Thats the thing…I’m happy and willing to see everyone has their own way. What works for me may not even be an option for you. And while I might not agree with what you are doing, I CERTAINLY can not say you are screwing up your kids. My mother did NOTHING that I am doing, and I think I’m pretty cool 😉

    I was attacked full-on. So I had to hit back. And I think its OK for us to disagree. AND get along. Apparently this “other” person won’t be happy unless we’re ALL like her!

  7. Well, I bet it’s nothing a bottle of cheap booze and an all-nighter wouldn’t fix for whomever it was that got under your skin. Sounds like she could use it!

    That’s one of the things that I love about this medium… I know I’m not always right, but I’m pretty damn sure that I’m not always wrong either. I can always learn more, and sometimes, just sometimes, I realize that there is a point of view that I haven’t considered. Listening at those times makes us all better parents. How can we possibly teach our children to value diversity and open minds if we ourselves are threatened by them?
    I feel sorry for whoever she was… she’s boxed herself into a really lonely place (and pissed off a really cool queen in the process!).

  8. Seriously. Don’t poke the sleeping bear! That, and I love a good fight, even when I’m totally wrong. Add those two things up…and duck.

  9. Well, I co-sleep. W/ jack, anyhow. Arianna has her own room, but that’s because she wanted it that way. Sometimes she gets scared, and we wind up w/ both kids in the bed. But, jack sleeps next to me, and arianna did when she was a baby, as well. It totally IS so much easier when you’re breast feeding.

    Speaking of that… kudos to you! I worked w/ Arianna, so I weaned her when I went back to work. Pumping was not my friend. But, she DID breastfeed for a good long while.

    Jack’s a diff story. I had SO many problems w/ breast feeding this time around. (ie..thrush, mastitis, you name it) So, by the time that was all sorted out, he was all snooty about the boob. He would have NONE of it. So, he’s a formula baby.

    But, I would never think to lecture someone on how they choose to raise their kids!! (Unless they’re snorting coke in front of them, or something.)

  10. I was on my own with my son at the start and listened to too many other people. Everyone told me how wrong I was for holding my son and rocking him to sleep. Everyone told me to make him cry. Everyone told me it was what was best. Well ya know what? It wasn’t. After he was about three months he actually did love his bed but I patted his back, sang, and soothed him to sleep. If he wakes up from a bad dream he runs to our room, hops in bed, and we hold him. He always asks to return to his room but he knows our door is open. He knows if he needs us we are here. And that means everything to me. I know he knows he secure with me. He is 3 1/2 and he’s the most independent kid I know. He wasn’t ruined by me rocking him. I regret those handfulls of nights and naps I made him scream holy terror. 🙁 I wish I could take them back but I’m glad I did what I believed in the end.
    And I too wanted to breastfeed but my milk didn’t come in until he was 6 weeks old so it never worked completely. A baby needs to eat and not starve.. it was either formual or a wet nurse! LOL! But I hear you… and I wanted to nurse too. Just remember not everyone can for some wierd reason.

    Don’t let others make you angry over thier self rightous behavior. That’s crap. I’ve been told because I still snuggle with my son for a half hour while he falls asleep that he’ll never leave my home or he’ll become a felon LOLOLOL…. Right. Ok. Whatever.

  11. May be our kids will end up together and we’ll take group trips to the slammer.. is it a date? LOL?

  12. Its a date! And good for you for at least TRYING to b-feed!

  13. Yay for this post and a big fuck you to the close minded asses that don’t get it.

    My 5-year-old daughter and almost 3-year-old son sleep with us in our room. During the day their mattresses come on top of ours and at night they have their proper mattresses on the floor and they are right there with us and they crawl into bed with us when they need to.

    My daughter sleeps fine now but didn’t until she was 2. It was hell but worth it. She is amazing and compassionate and my best little friend and my intimacy with her would not have been the same had it not been for attachment parenting.

    My son still has sleep problems and I was so desperate at one point I tried my version of letting him cry it out. First for 5 minutes, then 10, and he finally went to bed alone… but his bed is still with us and he still has us and I HATE that method and it does not really work because he still has problems in the middle of the night which is where the real deal comes into play and I WILL NOT let him cry and feel scared and alone when I get to cuddle up to someone next to me at the friggin’ age of 30! How the hell could I expect for him to shut up and deal at 2?!?!?! Never going there again!

    So thank you for that recommendation! I NEED SLEEP and finally a book from a kindred spirit! I have not heard of anything out there that doesn’t play off on Ferber somehow. It traumatized me and my son, though, thankfully, he got over it fast and has us right there at night…

    Breastfeeding… I completely agree with you! My family think me crazy… idiots that they are… my sister had a baby a month ago today and never tried breastfeeding and they thought I was a freak for killing myself to do it. My daughter got a bad case of thrush on the tongue and I SMSed but it didn’t take but I got her human breast milk from a milk bank and she at least had that until she was 5 months old. Having to let go and stop trying (because I had to face the fact that given all the complications it wasn’t happening… I worked with a whole lactation team!!!) was the hardest thing for me. My son never was breastfed. He was born with a reflex where he could barely suck and because of the help of a dear friend of ours and famous osteopath/homeopath he finally sucked a bottle properly in a month’s time. These things are a godsend when trouble and complications arise but they should not be the first choice… not at all…

    And so with all this, a thank you and a “how Happy I am to have a kindred spirit in you” type of poppin’ in!

    Be well and much love,

    Miz B.

  14. Miz B—Pantley also has a new No Cry SLeep Solution for TODDLERS and Preschoolers out!

  15. I am totally with you on the idea that everyone needs to do what is best for THEM. I will never forget what happened to me at the hospital with the breastfeeding natzi nurse. She verbally attacked me in the elevator as we were leaving because we were bottle feeding our son in the hospital. Nevermind the fact that I had extensive complications that REQUIRED me to take medications that the doc said were dangerous for my child and that the doc said not to breastfeed for my child’s safety. The nurse natzi didn’t care and started in on me. As a first time mom and just coming out of the hospital I didn’t have the presence of mind to blast her back but I wish I had. If I could have breastfed I would have. I want what is best for my child and that wasn’t it at the time. Good for you though that you can. And good for you for standing up for what you believe in.

  16. Wow, I can’t believe someone had the nerve to e-mail you something like that! I am totally a live and let live type person, but I hate it when people try to push their opinions on me or tell me that my way of parenting is wrong.

    Every parent is different, and every child is different. What works for one may not work for another. It’s crazy for someone to tell you that co-sleeping is evil when it clearly works for you and your children. Some children may not like co-sleeping, and for them a crib may work very well.

    I originally had plans to do everything exactly as you did. I wanted to breastfeed on demand until my daughter weaned, I wanted to co-sleep, and I also wanted a natural birth.

    Turns out my daughter wanted none of that. She was breech and required a c-section. She refused to breastfeed and had to be given a bottle in the hospital due to low blood sugar. We struggled with breastfeeding and supplementing for 4 months, and then the battle was lost. We also co-slept for the first 4 months, and we realized that we were the ones waking her up. She now happily sleeps in a crib at night, although I’m still up right away if she needs anything.

    I think whatever parenting style a person chooses is fine as long as it works well for the parent AND the child. It sounds like everything you’re doing is working great for all, so the person who e-mailed you needs to shut her trap and do what works for her.

  17. Anonymous says:

    first of all, I am a man. not a woman. second of all, you don’t realize how harmful you are being to your children. babywise shows us that scheduling and not coddling are essential. i would expect you to be more responsible in your parenting. but i am not surprised you are not following the way of Him. you and the other mothers on this site need to speak with your husbands. and i don’t doubt many of you are single mothers.

  18. Anonymous,

    Well, anonymous, first I apologize for assuming you were a female. But even here you’re not exactly telling us much about you.

    But I don’t apologize for anything else. I didn’t realize you were basing all of your beliefs on Babywise. Personally, I think that book is full of junk. Forcing infants onto a schedule is just crazy, and I don’t see how it relates to religion. Infants weren’t on a schedule in the womb – they received nutrition on demand.

    Nursing/feeding on demand has been the status quo for centuries. I guarantee Jesus wasn’t on a schedule as a baby, and aside from that manger at the beginning, I’m sure he co-slept with his parents.

    I am married, and I just checked with my husband. He agrees we’re doing what is best for our child, and says you’re a quack. No parent is perfect, and there is no one way to raise a child right. You simply do what you believe is best, and adjust where needed based on the feedback from the child.

  19. …and there, ladies and gents is what I am dealing with here.

    Anonymous—I also assumed you were a female. My mistake. I have many other things I’d love to say to you, but I think I’ll just let my loyal readers, like Christina, handle you.

    p.s. I see you are posting as anonymous. Guess you are afraid of the wrath? I also tried to reply to your email and was told that account did not exist. Hmmm. Fucktard.

  20. Wow, I read your post and the comments and stand firmly by your side on this one. I haven’t had the pleasure of children yet but stick by your guns, your way makes far more sense!
    Also, holy wars have been started based on far less…

  21. OMIGOD, you do WHAT??? You — gasp! — allow your child to sleep with you? In the SAME BED??? Don’t you know you get icky baby germs that way? And I don’t even want to get INTO what you might pick up by allowing your babies to SUCK ON YOUR BREAST!!! Ewwwww!

    Seriously, though, have you never considered that all the love and nurturing you’re giving your children are leaving them woefully ill-equipped to cope with the cruel and unforgiving world around them?

    … Kidding, of course. I strongly believe that we are all 99.9% responsible for creating the world in which we find ourselves. If some yahoos think that babies need to be spared the coddling in order to grow up tough enough to “deal” with reality then I truly feel sorry for them. What a nasty world they must think they live in. I most especially feel sorry for their children. Eesh. They must have done some awfully unpleasant things in their past lives to end up in baby boot camp like that.

    (BTW, I breastfeed but my baby sleeps in a crib — though I do go to comfort him whenever he wakes up crying, which isn’t very often at all. I do respect every mother’s right to choose what’s best for her and her children, and give them enough credit to assume that they’re making their choices based on careful thought and understanding of their own personal needs and situations. Anyone who thinks that there really exists a “one-size-fits-all” parenting solution must be living in a reality populated by eerie carbon-copy cyborg children.)

  22. Okay. Anon PISSED me off. What’s this “follow Him” bullshit? See, Queen… I’m okay with you thinking I’m wrong for letting my toddler cry it out since I honestly tried everything and I really believe he would never sleep if we didn’t. I DO believe we should coddle and cuddle and nuture. Hell yeah. I do believe that breastfeeding is the best but I HATE HATE HATE those who make people like me, who tried and tried and tried (which much lactation help) to breastfeed but found out that my child’s sucking reflex was so far in the back of his mouth that it was near his throat. Sorry, don’t have six inch nipple (nipple guard wasn’t enough). Then I went through the hell of pumping for the next three months. The whole time, from birth on, my child cried 85% of the time. I tried diet changes. I avoided favorite foods. Even my mid-wife and ped said that it may take months for me to figure out what in my milk was making him so gassy and unhappy. Three days on soy formula – he was PERFECT. Sorry, but formula DOES NOT suck. It made my very miserable child into a happy angel. I would do it again and again.
    I HONESTLY believe that all moms must do the right thing for their own kids. I would actually LOVE if Xander would sleep with us but to my chagrin…no such luck. He actually seems to LOVE his crib now (after months of crying it out) and is annoyed when we DON’T put him down. I wish I could nuzzle with him more!
    I SO agree with feeding on-demand. I think schedules are for adults, not children who are just being introduced to life. I have my own issues with people who breastfeed until their kid is five or six and with people who schedule eating every two hours for their baby (waking them up to feed, even if they aren’t showing interest seems ridiculous to me! Let a sleeping baby, sleep!)
    I think that people like Anon give everyone a bad name. I think the rest of us can agree or at least agree to disagree.
    Rant over. Thanks!

  23. OH, and Anonymous… NO, we aren’t all single mothers out there and like Christina said – I think most of our husbands would agree that we are doing our best for our children!! Dammit!

  24. EXACTLY to everyone. And see how easy it is that we can agree to disagree AND agree that what works for you may not work for me? SEE HOW EASY THAT WAS?

    Now if only we could apply this thinking to the Middle East.

  25. Wow. I don’t EVEN know where to begin on this!! I didn’t intend to comment until I read Annon’s post and then I just couldn’t help myself.
    First of all, this dude just gives Christians a kick in the face. It irritates me to no end when people claim Christianity and then go on and say mess like what this guy did! I am a Christian, meaning I have a relationship with Jesus Christ (and I’m a republican, too – sorry:).
    Second, I am a mother and NOT a single one at that, I breastfed my daughter until she was almost a year old, and we don’t co-sleep just because I can’t sleep if she’s in the bed with me and she’s fine to sleep in her own bed.
    I just have to say that it’s fine if mothers/fathers want to share things that helped or worked for them, but to flat out say something is totally wrong or “not following the way of Him” makes me wanna smack whoever this coward is! When it comes to moral issues, fine – argue those if you must. But for goodness sake, unless the child is being abused, leave the parents ALONE!
    When my daughter was still nursing and not sleeping all through the night, I would feed on demand (which eventually actually did get down to somewhat of a schedule) and if she woke during the night, I would go comfort her. My husband sometimes just couldn’t understand my desire to go comfort my daughter instead of letting her cry. My response on that to him was this: there is only a short window of her life that I actually get to go in during the wee hours with JUST me and her and cuddle with my baby. It wasn’t long until she slept all during the night and we don’t get those fleeting minutes now. I knew I only had a short time before she would grow out of that and never again will I be able to have that bonding time like I had with her while she was nursing and by golly, I was going to take advantage of every minute I could because that little baby isn’t such a little baby now and is growing older every day and further and further away from the time she’ll let me hold her.
    So for now, I’m going to hold my baby girl every time I get a chance because one day all too soon, she’ll become an independent little girl, then a teenager, then a woman herself and I’ll never get to turn back the clock and I don’t want to EVER wish that I would have held her just one more time.
    So, annonymous, even though Queen and I may have differing opinions on religion and politics, and even parenting, that’s fine. I have no idea what you wrote in your email to her, but by the way you stated what you did in your comment to this post, I have to say that I’m supporting HER in this issue and am now just wondering who in the world decided to make you the authority on just which parenting choices are considered “following the way of Him”?

  26. Thanks Jill. I have many Christian friends who I am sure will have a hard time with this guy’s comments. We all do what’s best for OUR kids. And for that, we should get love and respect from eachother. I have many friends who do things very differently from us, but I RESPECT them and their decisions. We don’t agree, but I certainly don’t disrespect.

    And for the record, the email was MUCH more “religious” in nature. I chose to leave that out of my post. Anon brought that on himself.

  27. I also want to echo what the Diaper Dame said “Anyone who thinks that there really exists a “one-size-fits-all” parenting solution must be living in a reality populated by eerie carbon-copy cyborg children.”

    Right on sister. Right ON!

    And isn’t it great we can all debate this stuff, and STILL respect eachother as parents??? That’s the difference between everyone else commenting and the fucktard.

  28. I don’t have time at the moment to go through the rest of the comments, but let me say, HEAR HEAR SISTER! YOU GO GIRL?

    Where were you when my kid was born? Let’s see… I breastfed (til he was 2 years and 5 months old). Co-slept after i tried for over a year to have him sleep in his crib first thing at night and then STAY in there the entire night. Fast chance… and well, we just gave in and had him sleep with us. And he still does.

    And the whole idea that we are fighting over how we parent? RIDICULOUS. Absolutely, utterly, ridiculous.

    You want to kick some ass, call me, I’ll come join the fight.

  29. I was cruising right along, reading the comments until I hit Anon’s. So.. here I go…

    First, anyone who follows “babywise” should be reported to social services for child abuse. Plain and simple. I respect any parenting choice except for that one. That’s not a “parenting choice”, and it’s not Christian, it’s just selfishness on the parents part – fit your baby into YOUR schedule, no matter what. Let ’em scream with hunger – it ain’t feeding time yet. Let ’em scream because they want to be held – God forbid we “coddle” them. WTF is that?? Or hey, WWJD? I hardly think that He would ignore a screaming, hungry baby. These poor kids must grow up to be seriously f*cked up individuals. Pat Robertson was probably raised “Babywise”.

    So Anon – and I just love how your chickenshit ass (Erin, you don’t mind if I use foul language here, do you? Didn’t think so) is hiding behind the “anonymous” moniker. If your “ways” are so great, and you are so eager to espouse those “ways” to us, then why not tell us who you are? Because you know that you are wrong, wrong, WRONG, and you are afraid of some very strong women here who will put your ass right in it’s place.

    And as for my being a single mother; first WTF is wrong with being a single mother, Mr. Holier than fucking thou?? Some women are NOT single by choice, you know.
    Just who the fuck are YOU to judge a single mother? WWJD, pal? Huh? Judge not, lest ye be judged, yeah it’s in the Bible, look it up.

    I feel sorry for your kids, dude.

  30. Okay. I may be very prego at this moment but I got teary eyed at that anon guy. I am so glad so many people spoke up Erin. I’m seriously teary. That is offensive. I was a single mom and I was a damn good one. I did the best with what I had. I didn’t have a choice in the matter and my son’s dad and I agreed on everything I did. I am married now and my hubby is on this band wagon 100%. He was abandoned by his mom and later adopted. He would never want his child to have to lay crying with no one to hold him or no one to help him with his cuts or scrapes. He would never wish that on anyone. How dare you use God’s name to defend your down right mean words and degrading actions. I am a believer and like someone else said I may do things a different way from others but how dare I judge. How dare I think I am better than someone, if anything Christianity teaches you to be humble and that you have NO place to judge. Let he who has no sin cast the first stone. How dare anyone think they are the perfect parent. How dare you insult a woman who just loves her kids and is doing what she believes is right for them. I am disgusted by your behavior and I am ashamed to be affiliated with you as a “follower” of Him. I would check out the condition of your heart before you further damage your own “witness”.

  31. I have no idea who called you a bad mom. That shouldn’t happen. Mean people suck. I co-slept with my babies while they nursed, and I have friends (like you) who were able to nurse way longer. I admire your stance and your fortitude and all of that. People need to treat others with respect. I am sorry you got hurt by someone.

  32. Fucktard. Heh heh heh…
    Just know I’m gonna have to use that in my dirty vocab now!

  33. Shay, Laurie up there taught me fucktard. Its my new favorite.

  34. Anonymous~ How easy it is to spew shit when hiding… behind your mommy’s skirt perhaps seeing that you are a chicken shit and have no idea what being a real man is? That’s right… the funniest thing about your comment, and yes it is funny because it lacks any truth or intelligence, is your claim to be a man…

    Real men have balls…

    Real men have compassion…

    Real men know how to love…

    Real men know how to nurture…

    Real men know how to parent…

    Real men marry strong, independent women with a mind of their own who will not only stomp on insignificant shit like you but show your “Him” where to stick it…

  35. Sorry, but I have not heard of the book Babywise. So this book basically says letting your baby cry and cry and not comforting him/her is following God’s way? Where the fuck did they get that? I am an atheist, but am damn sure none of my religious friends would agree with that statement. I have acquaintances here that follow Gina Ford who encourages CIO and strict schedules. I personally read a few pages of her book and had to laugh. That would never work for me! I still can not handle more than a few minutes of tears. One woman who followed her told me it was bad that my 3 week old daughter was falling asleep on my chest!

    I do not co-sleep (I am an insomniac and have a hard time sleeping with my husband’s slight movements alone) and stopped breastfeeding after a month when it was NOT working at all for me and Pumpkin. But I strongly believe in the Attachment Parenting philosophy. I wear Pumpkin as often as possible, I respond when she cries and feed on-demand (though we now have a basic schedule based on her rhythms). My baby is a human being and deserves to be treated like one.

    Anon, who do you think you are to judge how other people raise their children? It is none of your fucking business. Follow your bible and babywise as you want, but don’t tell others that because they do not follow your religious bull shit and actually treat their children affectionately they are screwing them up! And I find your comment about single parents very offensive. Single moms are incredibly strong and amazing women, and they deserve nothing but full respect for doing the hardest job on earth alone.

    Oh, and stop hiding behind your anon mask. If you believe in what you say so strongly, then have the guts to show your face!

  36. On behalf of single mom’s everywhere, thanks Ms. Mama for your kind words.
    This is not a path I would’ve chosen but it is one that is best for me and my son.

    An Anon… you’ve done more in a few short comments to desecrate the concept Christianity than I ever imagined it possible for one person to do. Spewing judgment and hate, striking mother’s where they are at their most tender is NOT a Christ-like behavior and I am deeply offended that you have somehow deemed yourself worthy of such a position.

    So rest well Anon, you’ve turned at least one person even further away from your cause… religion and spirituality are NOT synonyms my friend, but then I believe it’s obvious to every mother that has read your comments that THAT concept is simply beyond you!

    I pity you.

  37. Yeah, to Ms. Mama for me, too! I was raised by a single mom (not her choice) and she did more than a phenomenal job. I think I’m probably more well-adjusted and loving than half the two-parented peers I have. I think it’s great if it’s possible to have a two parent home (ooh, and i mean two parents – not necessarily a man and a woman – wanna start THAT discussion???) but a single mom’s job is amazingly difficult and should be respected and praised, not looked down on. I agree – would Christ sit and berate parents for being single or running to their crying child? No. Pretty sure not. Maybe it’s time to start reading the Bible again…or are you just a selective listener??

  38. For an intelligent male perspective, read True Ancestor’s recent post on this same subject. His son is 10 & seems to be well adjusted “despite” co-sleeping.

  39. Alison, I could kiss you.

    I woke up this morning to find this debate continuing. And I am overwhelmed by how many of you have come to my defense. Even those of you who do things different at your house.

    It amazes me how quick we are to take care of one another. Thank you.

  40. BRAVO! BRAVO! I agree whole heartedly with you! My three children have all been breastfed, no pacifiers and no bottles! I nursed on demand 24/7. My twins, 5 years old now, weaned themselves when they were just over 2 years old. My youngest, 17 months, is still nursing and he shows no signs of giving it up anytime soon. Not one of my children has used a pacifier. I gave the hospital staff strict orders (they hated me!): NO bottles, formula, sugar water or pacifiers! They were comforted by being held and loved on by ME. I don’t need some plastic plug in my child’s mouth. Don’t even get me started on formula! That crap is an on-going science project and babies are the test subjects.

    I have always had the family bed. My daughter still comes in and sleeps with me once in a while when she’s needing some comfort, but she left my bed on her own when she was 3. Her twin left my bed a few months before her and my little guy still sleeps with me. He has a crib, but rarely uses it. Co-sleeping makes nursing much easier and we all get more sleep because no one has to get up and out of bed multiple times at night.

    NEVER do I allow my children to “cry it out”. It’s wrong. They are little people who need US to teach them how to deal with their emotions and abandoning them to deal with it on their own is by far more damaging.

    None of my children are “freaks”. They are all very well behaved and adjusted. They are calm, confident, intelligent and emotionally secure because of the way I have nurtured them.

    Naysayers can kiss my butt!

  41. And another thing….MR. Anonymous:

    You are arrogant and ignorant…not to mention cowardly. None of us are being harmful to our children….we are doing EXACTLY what REAL mothers should be doing….loving and nurturing our babies. Schedules? When they hell was the last time you saw a baby carrying around a watch and a day planner? They need what they need when they need it…not when a schedule “allows” it!

    Following the way of whom? Him? Who are you referring to? Mr. Rogers? President Bush? God? Leave religion out of this you zealot! We don’t NEED to speak with our husbands. We, as mothers, are the nurturers by nature. Few of us are single mothers, but so what? Even if a woman is married, she is still essentially a single mother when it comes to child care.

    Pull your head out of your ass and go crawl back under your rock!

  42. I haven’t read all the comments, but I agreed with (and did) every single thing on your list. Everything. The only thing that was taken from me was breastfeeding Dylan longer because he got very sick and could not nurse. I pumped for 2 weeks while he lay in a hospital bed, on a feeding tube, but even when he came off of that, he was too weak. We had to switch to bottles. And before I get some BF nazi after me – I had no choice. Believe me, I tried, and the nurses were awesome, but the little guy could not do it.

    As for anonymous – sounds like someone has been smokin’ the Tom Cruise crackpipe.

  43. I breastfed until my daughter weaned herself at 11 months. She didn’t sleep with us, because we wanted some part of our life to be “husband/wife”, not “family”. She had a pacifier until she was about 9 1/2 months old, and it didn’t hurt her in the least, and offered her comfort when she needed it, esp. during colic, when we would hold her and walk with her and comfort her, but she wouldn’t take the breast or anything else…the binkie was there. What I hate about all of this is how when one person says what they did, what they are doing, how it comes accross as judgement against others. Babies who are put on schedules and bottle fed don’t turn out to be freaks…just because it’s not what we choose to do doesn’t mean it’s evil. Most of our parents (and some of us) were raised that way, and we turned out ok. Not saying I would do it, just saying I would try not to judge those who do. I have a friend who didn’t try breastfeeding, because she had had reduction surgery years before and didn’t think she could. Some people say she should have tried, but really, it’s none of their business. When her baby was 6 months old with his first ear infection, and I was telling her that my daughter was 9 months old when she got her first ear infection, I felt so badly to hear the defensive tone come into her voice…”I know, you breastfed her…” And the relief when I told her, no, I didn’t think that was the only factor, because my daughter had recurring ear infections while still breastfeeding, so she could stop kicking herself over that one. And now? Her kids are 7 and 4, and just fine. As is my 9 year old. And, just to throw a wrench in the whole thing, I co-slept with my mom until I was 16, due to being poor and that was the choice. Did I like it? Not always. I would have loved to have my own room. Did it spoil me, make me somehow dependent upon her for my every waking breath? Not at all. She did what she had to do, I do what I have to do (or choose to do), and we’re all just fine.

  44. Wow! Quite the discussion/debate going on, huh? Queen, I love your reponse(s) to Anon. He’s a coward. Don’t let him get to you too much (I know it’s hard, I wouldn’t be able to let it go, either)

    Is it possible that we’re letting him “win” by continuing to discuss it? I’m sure his intent was to get everyone riled up, and he succeeded. Should we allow him to keep antagonizing us and brew up all this negative emotion? Screw him, he’s not worth the time or energy.

    I love your blog. Keep up the good work. While I don’t have a blog of my very own, my husband writes one to document the happenings of our progeny. 😉 Feel free to check it out, if you’re so inclined.

    Take care,

  45. Thanks Spartan Fan! Did you know I was a Spartan once, myself???

    I’m actually kind of glad this idiot emailed me and got me all crazy. It gave us all a great chance to a)band together, despite our difference b)discuss our differences and realize its OK not to agree c) get all rilled up!

  46. Formula doesn’t suck! My knee jerk reaction is the same as it has been for the past 5 years whenever the subject of how breast is best comes up — to give a long and detailed description of why I personally had failed at breastfeeding blah blah blah. I’m tired of even feeling like I have to explain why my kids got formula instead of breastmilk!! Not that you asked, I know 🙂 Just am sick of feeling like a bad mother because of the whole damn formula thing. It’s been a few years since my kids were even ON a bottle and I’m still sensitive about it and feel the need to present medical evidence as to why my kids didn’t breastfeed. And as to the rest of your post, I agree. Why should anyone care where your kids sleep, and how could it mess them up either way? My kids usually sleep in their own rooms, I think my snoring and the copious amounts of dog fur on the bed keep them away…and I had to laugh at anon.’s comments, especially the one where we are all supposed to check with our husbands for approval on all issues. Snicker. Snort. Whatever. Oh, I almost forgot about another thing I disagreed with — I AM hungry every day at exactly the same times — around 7am, then 7:30, then around 8, then around 8:30. And so on. Me and Weight Watchers are trying to deal with this problem though! Ok, gotta go find some core snacks to eat.

  47. Couple of thoughts:

    1. We aren’t that far removed from our primal roots. Think of the hundreds of thousands of years parents and child have shared a bed. Now, in a matter of, oh, a couple hundred years or so it should be changed?

    2. I was thinking of this exact same thing last night – while the boy was in my place in bed while a fussy cranky baby girl slept in the boy’s bed with me. He’d found us in the night about the time the baby woke up (horrible night!) and the best way to get her back to sleep is snuggle her.

  48. wow. tirade. impressive.

    actually, i often think similar things to what you said but not always for the same reasons. I bottle fed from nescesity. the breastfeeding nazis came out in force to tell me i was a bad mother because i didnt breastfeed. No one thought to ask me WHY i didnt, they just jumped on me. i actually had an old woman come up to me in a mall while i was bottle feeding adn proceeded to tell me what a horrible person i was and how i was just killing my baby with formula!

    other than that bit, im all with you. i co slept when my kids needed it, i never let them cry it out, thats horrible. i read the books, i listened to the advivce, then i did it my way.

    my kids wont be the ones up in a bell tower with a gun. adn neither will yours. not because we are the same as parents, but because we are involved, we know what opur kids are doing, our kids feel safe and comfortable with us. thats all that matters.

  49. Anon, if you want to leave a comment, grow some balls and leave a name too, mkay?

    Queenie-while I don’t agree w/all aspects of your parenting, you certainly do not deserve to be attacked for them. My apoligies on behalf of all the nitwits in the world.
    Since, apparently, they’re too stupid to do so themselves.

  50. Hooray for the Queen, from a kindred spirit in child-rearing! I’m going now to get back in bed with my toddler! BAD mother, me!!

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