The Big V

Vagina. Vagina. Vagina. I just want you to get used to that for a second and get over it, so I can move on.

I don’t know what to do about mine.

As a mother of two very small children I barely have time to get through an entire shower, let alone concern myself with hair maintenance. You remember this effort? And the days I spent with a half-shaven whoo-ha? Well it hasn’t improved and I’m not sure of the best course of action.

I like things neat in that department. Not “awesome,” “cool” neat, but either bald or close-cut neat. It’s well established I have no real time to trim and shave in the shower, but I can’t drop $100 every month for a wax. So that really only leaves self, shower, vagina hair clippin’ time-budgeted in my week. I have to schedule time to trim the jungle that is my whoo-ha.

So now that I’m scheduling crotch clipping time-maybe when the Kaiser can watch the kids on a Sunday or something…do I buy special crotch clipping scissors, or do I use the same ones that open packages of markers and cut wrapping paper? Is there protocol established for this?

And then there is the matter of what to shave. And how much. Am I selfish if I take the 30 minutes to rid the whole thing of hair? Am I, somehow, a better mother for only taking the 5 minutes to do the sides? Is the compromise a landing strip?

…and a big welcome to my mother and other family members to my blog. Enjoy your stay.


  1. I’m sure your mother is going to love this post. I would say, get your own sissors. Nobody wants to find whoo ha hairs all over the sissors. Even if you clean it well, you might miss one, and the idea of using the same sissors on your whoo ha as you would cutting up coupons just seems wrong to me. Me, I prefer to keep it fairly well trimmed, and then once a month or so I will shave it all the way off. If the Kaiser is watching the kids, then 30 minutes of quiet time with your whoo ha is well worth it for intimacy, as well as hygiene.

  2. LOL. I never really undestood the landing strip. I think short is fine (w/i the underwear confines is generally my rule) – but I agree. Get your own scissors – they have those nifty eyebrow trimmer things now though that look like they might work. I’m not brave enough for a wax LOL (I had no drugs with childbirth and I’m afraid of a way…) YEP.

  3. As you know, we live with the Jehovah’s Witness parents (his). I was just getting ready to go outside and thought I should maybe close out the internet in case there’s something “naughty”. I forgot that I pulled up your page for my daily dose. As I leaned over to look at the screen, I almost fell over the couch. I’m glad I checked before she walked by. Though I would pay good money to see the look on her face. I imagine it would be the same one from when she saw my SIL’s vibrator just laying on the bedroom floor one day (she went in to get laundry and came out mortified).

    PS I just get rid of it all, who has time to trim and shape and what not? I’ve got a 3yr old who won’t let me pee in silence and a husband who could care less what it looks like so long as he can get that close to it to see. =0)

  4. Not that I look at naughty stuff and oh hell, no one will believe me anyway LOL

  5. You CAN actually wax it? My God, imagining the pain makes my eyes water (and I DO get the eyebrows done, but *down there?* I can’t handle the pain… it’s got to be worse than child birth).

    I’m voting for a close shave (bald) for a while. And yeah, Trish is right, who has the time for the trim and shape option with little ones around. Which reminds me… I have to do some trimming… err shaving too.

  6. The Kaiser, first of all, will be thrilled to know there is virtual voting on the state of my crotch going on.

    Second of all. Yes, the waxing hurt. But it was not as bad as I thought it was going to be. And it was such a temporary pain, that it really made it worthwhile. I swear.

  7. Your Father-in-Law says:

    The Kaiser’s mom goes with the bald beav as well. I vote for bald. Looking forward to seeing you this spring!

  8. Hahahahahaha

  9. You all know that was the Kaiser being, well, the Kaiser…right???

  10. I hope you find a solution that works for you…and that you don’t clog up the shower… Oh wait, that would be me, it’s been a loooooooong time since I performed any “routine maintenance.” Sorry.

  11. I have this same problem. Trying to find a happy medium.

  12. I have had a terrible afternoon and I was teary blogging trying to just get my mind off life. THank you. Thank you. Thank you. Sorry I missed that post in October. LMAO!

  13. Test 1 2

  14. ROFLMAO!! Just when I thought I was beginning to learn what to expect on my daily trip across town to visit this place, along comes this!
    Take the 30 mins to do what you want to do…shave, cut, color, tweak, whatever! I would LOVE 30 mins ALONE in the bathroom…

  15. I’d recommend skipping the pain of waxing and using Magic Shaving Powder to remove it all.

    When I was a newlywed and still posting on, a post about this stuff came up. It’s a depilatory that was developed for black men’s beards to prevent razor bumps. Turns out it’s also a fabulous hoo-ha cream. Over 100 women on the message boards tried it, and very few were unhappy with the results.

    Get the stuff in the green and white can (I can e-mail you a link to it at Wal-Greens if you want), and make it a thick paste. Leave on a little longer than they suggest. I can guarantee the results are amazing. Smooth as a baby’s bottom. 🙂

  16. Seriously? SOLD and SOLD!

  17. Seriously. Go to and look for this: Magic Skin Conditioning Shaving Powder with Aloe & Vitamin E. It’s really cheap, too, which helps.

    OK, you asked for it, here goes:

    Devote a mixing cup for this stuff, too. It’s awful smelling, and not something to get around the kids. The first time it usually works best to scrape the cream off with something plastic, like a plastic spoon.

    Then rub vigorously with a washcloth to remove the last bit of stubble (the first time you use it, you really have to rub the hairs off). This stuff works better each time you use it.

    Apply lotion after the first time, because the area might be a little irritated. After the first time, though, it’s generally OK. I have sensitive skin, and even I didn’t have problems.

    I don’t use it anymore, just out of laziness. But I’m considering grabbing another can to go smooth for our anniversary in March.

    Wow, I can’t believe I just shared all of that. LOL!

  18. One more thing. I can’t find the original post on weddingchannel, but I did a search and found this:

    These ladies do a good job of covering all of the warnings and such.

  19. This is a hilarious post,and yet…real advice was needed! And having read the comments I think you got a lot of good advice…I would throw in my two cents…Get your own scissors, for sure…reasons as stated by others.
    Personally that stuff in the can sounded pretty good till I read on, and I wouldn’t like the ‘the area might be irritated…’ part. Seeing as how you found the waxing painful…this might be as painful, if not worse, depending on your sensitivity’s “down there”…(lol)
    Anyway…I’d get rid of all of that bush, especially if your hubby couldn’t care less!

    I truly enjoyed stumbling upon your blog! Thanks for a lot of good laughs!

  20. I use to have that same problem….then I started taking showers at night when everyone is asleep. You should have plenty of tme to do your yard work! LOL

  21. Yes, you can actually wax it. It is called a Brazilian wax. I do it and it is fab!!! Don’t shave! The hair will only grow back thicker and there will be more of it! It is worth the money to go and wax it.

    The trick to waxing… do it right after your period since the pain is much less then (hormonally right for less pain). The first time is a bitch! After that, there is less hair and it hurts less and hey, once a month is worth the pain… and it is bald and so smooth!

    I love it and let us say the hubby is not disappointed either!

    As for Vagina, say it loud and proud. In our household we look down upon the stupid, “cutesy” words for it. We use the actual word so that our kids grow up with no shame and a good body image as well as a sense of power and ownership over themselves as well as their genitals…

    It had to be said! ;-P

  22. Oh, any irritation that comes from the powder is far, far, far less uncomfortable than waxing! 🙂

    As long as you use the magic powder at least 3-4 days apart, you shouldn’t have any problems with irritation.

  23. The funniest thing about this post is that you get all those “vaginas” off your chest, and then you never use the word again, opting instead to use a series of euphemisms (okay, now the funny thing is that I said you had vaginas on your chest).

    The best thing about this post, however, is that the comments contain all kinds of pracitcal advice and suggestions for the rest of us too, and just in time for valentines day (suppose I can wield some of that magic powder without a clear view of my vagina? The pregnant belly’s getting pretty big …)

  24. Alison- I guess I thought I’d say vagina more? I just really enjoy “crotch” and “whoo ha”–they crack me up.

    Miz B–I actually do use vagina when speaking to the kids, the other words are just for my own amusement. And I have had a brazillian wax and did love the results. But they charge $100 for them by me, and I just don’t have that kind of cash to do it as much as I’d like.

    Christina-I’m totally going to find that stuff.

  25. Christina — I’m gett that stuff too. Figure, I’ll give it a try. What about the “undererds?” (how do you like that phrase?) Queen, you inspired a post on a similar topic…

  26. Thanks for the love girl, hope all is well with your woohhhaaaaa haaahahha…LOL..:)

  27. Queen,
    First, it’s so funny you wrote this post, cuz I just took care of business for the first time in a LONG time this past weekend.

    Second, OH MAH GAWD! Our blog is a linky thingy on your Blogroll! I just noticed it! I’m thrilled (and it’s not even my blog…it’s my husband’s) and I still have to tell him (he’s reading #1 bedtime stories). So, do I kneel, kiss your ring, or what?…what’s the protocol?


  28. None Spartan Fan, just promise to never let your kids go to that “other” school in AnnArbor. For that, I take you off the blogroll. 🙂

  29. I use my Venus Razor and shaving cream.. and I always leave a little mowhawk ’cause I don’t want to look like a 10yr old! LOL

  30. $100!!! Are you kidding me?!?!?!?

    Even in SF things are cheaper and here in Spain.. I won’t even begin to tell you!

    I wax my legs, do a brazilian, the butt fuzz needs to go, some belly fuzz, arm pits, arms, teeny chin fuzz, mustache and eyebrows all for $33!!!!!

    My god! 100?!?!?

    As for vagina, I didn’t mean to insinuate that you didn’t use it! Oy! This bohemian didn’t think about that! I just meant to say that we too are proud of the vagina in this household! Yeah, now I sound like a freaky vagina lover! Hmmmm…. Oh hell, I am tired and have two small kids too! You know what I mean! ;-P

  31. Spend 20 bucks on electric hair clippers, remove the guard, and get a buzz cut when you sit on the potty.


  32. actually the word to use is vulva…the vagina is the birth canal, and lord knows we do not wax/shave that.

    i think vulva sounds so much sexier than vagina…and it actually is the correct word to use…all little girls should grow up knowing she has a vulva and a clitoris in addition to a vagina.

    by the way, sugaring is a good option to waxing…no heat equals no redness or blisters.

    keep up the good work…i came here via tired tunia’s blog.

  33. My mom always called it “vulva” too. But then I grew up and all my friends (and boys) were calling it “vagina”. I felt really really stupid and “un-cool” So it’s VAGINA for my girls!

    Anyway..great post..great info. I need to do something too. Cant shave….it always gets so rough, like an old mans beard and I literally gave my husband rug burn once!! LOL! So ashamed, but yet I want other’s out there knowing the risks!!!

Speak Your Mind