Asshat Knitter

I really thought you were just fiddling with one of those long, green Starbuck’s straws as you swerved in and out of traffic lanes here in Suburbia.

Once stopped at the red light, and twiddling in front of me, with , what? your knees on the wheels? I thought to myself, wow…she really wants that last bit o’ whipped cream.

And when the light turned red, and you failed to notice, you seemed annoyed and startled all 15 cars behind you had the nerve to honk. We had the nerve to honk.

So when I finally pulled next to you, and saw that in fact you did not have an iced latte…but a KNITTING needle and some sort of doily I flipped you off. Ya, that’s right. I flipped you off. With my children in the car. On the way to nursery school. You brought out the worst in me, but what can I say…I’ve never seen a middle-aged soccer mom/asshat with that much nerve.

It never occurred to me that you too, might be on your way to nursery school.

But, it probably never occurred to you that knitting and driving simultaneously is, oh hell, I’ll say it…dumb. No, wait…not dumb…REALLY FUCKING STUPID.

So we can spend the next few school months not making eye contact with one another. Fine by me. You’re not the kind of bitch I care to associate with anyway.


  1. hehehehehehe….

    But, really….WHO knits and drives???

    Excuse me, let me pull out my paint palette, and set up an easel in the passenger seat! YOU WILL NOT SQUASH MY CREATIVITY, TRAFFIC LAWS!!

  2. Seriously. I am guilty (shhhh) of the cell phone thing. Maybe of sipping a drink. But come ON…KNITTING????

  3. I had an uncle that drank while he drove but I can’t see how anyone can knit and drive. Knitting takes two hands. The image is just too weird.

  4. Feeling uncomfortable the nice pastor is reading my profanity…here is hoping he didn’t scroll down.

    But…yes, it was an odd ballet of knitting and knee stearing and semi-wheel holding.

  5. …when I say sipping a drink…you guys know I mean a coffee…right???

    …the Kaiser thought I should clarify that one.

  6. I figured you meant coffe (or coke zero).

    I can barely knit while sitting on my ass watching tv. I can’t even imagine trying it driving. Dumb ass.

  7. That’s ballsy and stupid. Are you sure she wasn’t masturbating? (you never know these days) LOL…

  8. Very sure. She actually had the thing she was knitting all hanging down. Plus, I saw her get out of her car to walk her kid into school, and her pants were up.

  9. I figured you were talking about coffee, but then I do come from the land of drive through daquiri shops, so I could certainly understand any confusion that may have arisen.

    And seriously, KNITTING?? I can’t even think of anything to say to that…

  10. Damn. That would have been funnier. Totally warranted a flip off. Or a mean maraca shake (it’s a maraca with a mean face – people piss you off, you can shake it at them and they don’t even know that it’s bad so you don’t have to worry about crazy f’ers with guns). I carry one myself. Saves my daughter from hearing various expletives.

  11. It never ceases to amaze me what people will do (nevermind the fact they have their kids in the car!).

    I saw a man last week driving around well after the sun went down with his interior light on and a novel on the steering wheel. We weren’t even in stop and go traffic…

    Personally, I’d like to think it would be obvious that something that requires at least one of your feet and (hopefully) at least one hand would also require your brain to be present! But then I’ve been wrong before.

  12. Cellphone drivers piss me the hell off, but knitting?! I rarely honk at people, or flip them off. I make it my life’s goal not to be an asshole when I drive. But at someone not driving well at all, and not using their hands because they are freaking knitting would definately warrant a flip AND a honk. I even would have been severely tempted to bawl her out for endangering her child and everyone else’s kids who happened to be in the cars near her.

  13. I soooo love you!!! LOL

  14. WTF!!!

    I can relate to the flippin’ off thing! I have quite a few moms around who are not too crazy about me!

    Let us just say that idiot mothers who want me to move my car because they cannot maneuver their way out of some ample space when parallel parked when I have just parked it, and correctly I might add, and taken my 2 kids out of the car, will get flipped off!

    Or pregnant women who smoke better get out of my way…

    Or idiots who think me stupid for being very strict about my kids using a car seat and using it properly at that better shut up because this bohemian will not hold back when she knows better!

    Ahh! Good for you your highness! Keep that finger active! Some people just need to be put in their place!

  15. That’s one of the worst driving while doing something else stories I have ever heard! I can’t believe that woman.

    I would have got her license plate and called the cops to report a dangerous driver. I mean, it’s got to be about as dangerous as driving drunk, right?

  16. That’s whore-iffic!

  17. It’s not that I think certain people should die, but maybe they shouldn’t have been born.

  18. Don’t people have common sense?

    First, they had to make laws about drinking and driving because people didn’t understand.

    Then, they had to make laws about cell phones and driving because peoeple didn’t understand.

    I never thought they’d have to make laws for the knitters. But, there ya go!

  19. You know this makes me SO MAD!!!! I am currently trying to conquer my fear of getting behind the wheel and be able to drive with confidence – you know – in preparation for taking my precious little babas to school and all their future needs, and to give myself a bit of freedom. I’m trying so hard and my main fear is by doing something wrong and hurting someone (or worse)even though I am a good driver.
    This story just makes me MAD!!!!!!

  20. HAHAHA!! That is hilarious! I agree, not someone you want to have to car-pool with! LOL

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