I’ll take “Toddler Erections” for $200, Alex

“Mommy LOOK! My penis is BIG!”

“Um. Oh. Yes. I see, honey”

“Mommy! Mommy! It’s BIG -like a stick!”

“Yes, Yes…I see. But let’s not show that to anyone, ok?”

“But WHY, Mommy?”

“Because some things we keep private. And you keep your penis private, you don’t show it to anyone. It stays in your underwear.”

“But WHY don’t we show it?”

“Because we don’t.”

“Can I show my arm?”

“Yes, just not your penis.”

“Can I show my dumptruck?”

“Yes, just not your penis.”

“WHY can’t I show my penis???”

I’m out of answers. Anyone? Anyone?

He’s 3. “Private” makes no sense to him. At all.


  1. We struggled with that one too, and still deal with the public touching of the penis in public (and he’s 6, people! Maybe I should be asking for adivice). However, we talk about needing “privacy” in the bathroom with both our kids…it’s a good word to bring up during potty training. Don’t get me wrong, I rarely go to the bathroom alone and my husband or I are usually in there with the kids when they go. However, eventually, there will be times when the kids don’t want you in there. So, we taught them the word privacy. It tends to come up more when they’re going #2 and my daughter will say she wants “piratey.” So, once the Count understands a little better that privacy is “alone time” or “something that you don’t share with others” he might get the gyst of “we don’t share our penis with everyone.” Then again, maybe you could buy him a little brown trenchcoat and he could terrorize/impress the preschool girls on the playground! (I kid, I kid! Please don’t be offended.)

  2. Maybe tell him we don’t show the things in our undies to other people. I don’t know. It’s the best I got.

  3. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Omigod, that was a hilarious read. I scared Sweet Pea with my loud guffaws. I have no advice to offer, but SpartanFan’s sounds good to me – find as many ways as you can to explain what “privacy” means. What does the Kaiser say? Can he get past being proud and help out? ha ha ha!

  4. First, go read my post about my FIL. Then, explain to your son that if he shows his penis, his testicle will explode and he will have to get a prosthetic!

    Okay, probably not the best advice, but I found it funny that we were both posting about male genitalia today!

  5. Oh, wow, ouch. You made me snort soda out my nose!

    I’d say, maybe, that the penis is something that is shared only with family members and other special people. Then again, maybe not, as grandma might have a BIG surprise the next time she visits.

    Thanks for the laugh!

  6. Mine likes to make his peek out of his pull up. “Mommy? Where’s my penis? Where did it go? Oh! MOMMY THERE’S MY PENIS!! Look!”

    Yeah so I got nothing.

  7. Why not shame him about it… Like, nobody shows their penis to other people because then it might fall off. That’s why mommy doesn’t have one. LOL… k… maybe not.

  8. Penises are very special and we only show them to our mommy, daddy or the person we are married to?

    I don’t know. I guess I will add this to things to think about when preparing for children. πŸ™‚

  9. I have no words of wisdom. Hatchling loves anything to do with his ‘peebus’. He’s just another man-in-training…

  10. Oh god….is THIS what I have to look forward to??

  11. This just makes me glad my lil pumpkin is a girl πŸ™‚ Funny that the penis pride starts so young!!! Thanks for the laugh queen!

  12. Favorite mommy quote repeated frequently at our house: “Every man is responsible for his own penis.”

  13. We say it’s like picking your nose– boogers and penises are for the bathroom only.
    Re: it being big like a stick– you may want to remember that phrase. If you look at “It’s Natural But It’s Rated R” under my Favorites column, you’ll see that this concept came in handy for us in explaining the birds and bees.

  14. Why don’t you tell him that it’s because there are boundaries and because people don’t show people outside their families where they make their pee and poop. If he asks why, ask him if he wants to see someone’s pee and poop. If he says he does, tell him that other people might not feel the same way, so to be on the safe side there’s a rule that says we don’t go around showing off our penis’s and vaginas and butts to people.

  15. Okay, at the risk of getting lynched, why not just say “because I said so and you’ll get into trouble if you don’t leave your underwear up”?

    My son is the King of Arguing. He always wants to have every ounce of logic so he can rebut my rules. Yeah, the Count is three, but honestly, at this age, it really isn’t important that he understands why, it’s only important that he gets that there is a rule.

    I still explain things to my son that I think are important but life has been much sweeter since I gave myself permission to stop explaining everything to him. I think he’s happier too. I’m the mom and sometimes life is the way it is just because I say so.

    So… our bodies are private and we don’t share them…because I said so. Now, pull your pants up and go play. πŸ™‚

  16. Ok, Andria pretty much landed where we ended up. There was just no reasoning with him. So it turned into a “because I said so” situation.

  17. When Justin was about that age, he would be in the bath tub and say that he had “bones in his penis”. You would have to non-chalantly duck into the hall to laugh hysterically with no sound coming out.

  18. I’m in awe, now that the Count is really really communicating…how often I find myself hiding in order to laugh.

    The Kaiser farted the other day and the Count said “Daddy! You didn’t say Smell the LOVE!”

  19. this is a tough call in these touchy feely sensitive mama days. i think you should deftly sidestep it with a gentle comment such as “OH MY GOD — WHAT THE HELL IS THAT THING? A FUCKING STICK??? KAISER, YOU GOTTA COME LOOK AT THIS SHIT!” or something along those lines. that should get the message across without having to address it directly.

    good luck!

  20. That is so funny. I guess there’s not much difference between little boys and grown men. They all think they have big penises and would probably like to show them off any chance they get.

  21. Woah, I need to get ready for this! My son is two now, but I am sure my day will come. He already runs around the house naked. yelling “Naked runnin’ Naked Willy (our name for penis)!

  22. Give up now, it’s a losing battle.

    Boy Wonder is 17 and well…… lets not talk about it.

    Then again, Hubster is 35 and well…

    *heavy sigh*

  23. Ohmigosh…I don’t know what I’ll do if Dawson does that to me…he’s 19 months old…I’m going to have to prepare myself aren’t I?

  24. My son has a song for his penis, holds and yanks it around (and I mean yanks!) while he dances and sings to his penis. Today he learned he can stretch it out and touch everything in sight with it. He was in heaven! He is 3 too…. He doesn’t have it in his head to show it but the day he does, oh boy!

    Maybe you can tell your son that his is very special and others may feel bad if they see his… see? You get the penis situation under control and throw in a lesson in compassion at the same time! ;-P

    I am stumped!

  25. Hey, I see your “no dogs allowed” star flashing…sorry you lost the doggy battle. After I wrote a post for you and everything. I tell ya, life is unfair.

  26. Yes, I know. Sad, isn’t it Tunia??? The good thing is…I’m happy to have what I already got, and that’s a first.

  27. I wish I could give advice, but I have one, and she’s a girl, and she’s only one, so…I’m at a loss. Cute story though! It made me laugh.

  28. Tell him, if you show it to anyone it will become shorter…and will never grow big anymore πŸ™‚

  29. Oh my we’ve had the talks like this and I did what Andria did. I told him the reasons and then just said, DONT. I told him that private parts are for when he’s in private. Lol…. like the bathroom and his room changing. Stuff like that. So when he is tempted to whip it out or does, we just tell him he needs to look at his privates or penis in private. He got it after a bit. LOL…. so funny. Love your retelling.

  30. I have a three year old that likes to see “my butt my butt my lovely manboy butt” or “my winkie wink I have a winkie wink” so I am NO help whatsoever.

    He also thinks it is mandatory that clothing comes off after one hour of wear, it’s okay to shuffle across the playground with your pants around your ankles if you have an accident, and saying “Wow Mommy your but is HUGGEEEE” is perfectly okay in front of friends and the entire world.

    If they weren’t so damn cute I’d say sell the whole lot of them! LOL

  31. I’m crying, I’m laughing so hard at the statement “It’s big- like a stick!” That is the funniest thing I’ve read in a long time. Thank you. πŸ™‚

  32. “If you look at β€œIt’s Natural But It’s Rated R” under my Favorites column, you’ll see that this concept came in handy for us in explaining the birds and bees.”
    Can about it more?

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