Proof! Men Are Idiots!

Men. Duckcamps. Whatnot.

That phrase is a censored version of the usual “Boys Are Stupid” that Sarah and I exchange all too frequently when speaking about our husbands.

Figuring we’ll do a pretty good job at fucking up our sons in many other ways, we decided we needed to ditch “Boys Are Stupid” in favor of some sort of code that wouldn’t make the little men around us actually grow up thinking we found them stupid.

That’s just good rearin’ of the chilrin’, ya’ll. (blow bubble-POP! and scene)

For those of you who have read (not seen the movie) The Divine Secrets of the YaYa Sisterhood, you know the men often hideout in the duckcamps to get away from the crazy women. Or to avoid changing diapers and actually scrubbing a toliet. Whichever.

Somehow “Boys Are Stupid” was changed to “Men and their duckcamps.”

With all of that explained, I would also like to offer you a definition from Wikipedia:


A beard is the hair that grows on a man’s chin, cheeks, neck, and the area above the upper lip (the opposite is a clean-shaven face). When differentiating between upper and lower facial hair, a beard specifically refers to the facial hair on the lower part of a man’s chin (excluding the moustache, which refers to hair above the upper lip and around it).

My idiot husband seems to think he must make a conscience decision to grow a beard in order for it to be called a beard.

He’s obviously high.

The man fails to shave for 2 days and he has significant scruff and the children recoil when he goes to kiss them. 2 weeks and he’s got a full on beard. 2 months and he’s a lumberjack.

But this man o’ mine seems to think that just because he’s lazy, that does not mean he has a beard. Simply natural facial hair.

And he actually argued this with me tonight until he was blue in the face. Well, the face that I could still see under his pile of black and gray mass of tiny, piercing, needles of death.

Turns out, he says, what is on his face now IS actually a beard. Because he chose to grow it. All the other times, he was just lazy. Translation: ALL THE TIME.

I’m still really tired and jetlagged and busy with the things I mentioned in an earlier post that I still can’t tell you yet (hopefully today, I swear)-so can you all lay the smack down on him for me, please? Send him back to his duckcamp or wherever.

I also offer up some photos to show you what he says is “not” a beard, just lazy shaving weeks.


  1. Dude…in my opinion a beard should be WELL MANICURED…the pictures I viewed are far from well manicured. You see, there are trimmers that men with real beards use theses days that keep the neck and jaw line clean and even. The monstrosity that you grew might have been considered a beard on The Little House on the Prairie, bit not in this day and age.

    My own husband grows science exhibits like that on his face and (when we were still together) he would receive no love from me…if you know what I mean. It’s simply not sexy…nor does it feel good on a well manicured poon.

    So…either study up on the fine art of beards or go back to smooth kissable skin. Your wife and children will thank you for it.


  2. First off, LOVE that phrase.

    Kaiser, Kaiser, Kaiser – shave yer face, dude. A pair of mirrored sunglasses and you could pass for John Lennon. Erin is a Queen and she can’t have her King looking this way. It simply won’t do!

  3. YOU should stop shaving when he does. Just tell him you don’t have a full bush…you’re just being lazy. 😉

  4. Ummm, Kaiser? I know we haven’t been formally introduced, but I’ve been reading the Queen for months. And I feel like I know you well enough to say the following:

    What you have on your face is going to make the Queen never, ever want to have (brace yourselves, I’m daring to be vulgar) your face near her Withalacoochee again. Simply because, we don’t want a porcupine near our precious vadge. It hurts. Now if you don’t participate in this action that’s a different story, but coming from the woman who introduced my husband to GBJD, I’m hoping you do. And think of it this way, if you take care of the beard and her the reciprocation will be wonderful. Honest. I know my Queen. Sometimes I wonder if I know her better than myself.

    Okay, and Queen, if the Kaiser doesn’t manicure his beard, you could always not wax the vadge, but see THAT might drive you more crazy. I know I probably couldn’t handle not shaving.

    Okay…….I just got more vulgar than I ever thought I would. You are BAD BAD BAD influence on me. 😉

  5. Now I am one of those in the camp that men should have facial hair, because well, they are men, I think it comes from my father always having had facial hair. I think beards are sexy.

    That being said, Kaiser needs to get at the scruff under his chin and groom it up a little for it be a ‘real’ beard. Not a Grizzly Adams un-groomed patch of pubic hair that he had going on now. Seriously, all that stuff under the chin and patchy all over the neck just makes it look like a crotch…not appealing.

    THAT being said, the Kaiser still is yar. Very yar.

  6. Ooh my ex was the laziest shaver ever. And it got him No. Where. With. Me. And he really wanted to be there. But ick, ouch, no.

    That being said, I may agree with the Kaiser. A beard is something you intend to grow. The thing from where you are too lazy to shave is called FLUSS (Facial Lazy Ugly Scruffy Shit).

  7. Well, let me just say that no one’s going to mistake him for Devra in those photos.

  8. Queen of Spain says:

    I actually have no probs with the actual beard. Just make him admit that any facial hair is, in fact, a beard.

    Day one is usually the only “itchy” day.

  9. First of all, I must point out that the Queen is LYING to all of you. The pictures she posted? Those are pictures of the beard. Those aren’t pictures of 2 days of scruff. Those are pictures of the beard I currently have. She is trying to fool you to make me look bad, and for that I’m peeing on the toilet seat when I get home tonight….more than usual.

    Second, going a few days and then shaving does not constitute growing a beard. Sure, there’s hair on my face but that is merely scruff. Or Fluss. Or whatever you want to call it as long as you don’t call it a beard. The pictures? Probably at least 6 weeks of growing out my facial hair WITHOUT shaving it off at some point. That is growing a beard.

  10. Queen of Spain says:

    Now hang on a minute here, Mr. Beard Propaganda.

    Father’s Day was a beard? Let me quote you from last night “I haven’t grown a beard since Halloween of last year.”

    So that father’s day pic is not a beard, by your definition.

    Sunflower this spring. Not a bird by your definition
    BlogHer? If I am to believe you, that was the start of you actively trying to grow a beard.

    Who’s the liar now, beard boy?

  11. Queen of Spain says:

    You know I meant beard, not bird. Right?

  12. That’s all the same beard. I haven’t been clean shaven at any point between the time that any of those pictures were taken. Same beard. I haven’t grown a beard since last Halloween aside from the one I currently have now. I thought that was kind of obvious.

    And to answer your last question, that would be you. You are the Queen of Lies. You will only entangle yourself in this web of deceit.

  13. -sighs-

    I’m now more confused. And my husband says that a beard is anything past 3 days of shaving. Just no way around it. 1 day is stubble, 2 days is 5 o’clock shadow, 3 days is B-E-A-R-D. He says that you should go with a goatee, it makes the women want you.

    I don’t know who these women are, but I guess they want my husband. -snickering- Oh, Don’t tell him I was laughing he’ll be all hurt.

    Who am I kidding. He reads the Queen. He’ll see it.

  14. hi. english teacher here. i have a license that qualifies me to explain this matter. a beard is a beard whether or not you want it or are cultivating it in any way. “beard” is a synonym of scrfuf, fluss, facial hair, and bird. regardless of its length. and i am not biased. mine has one, too.

    (ps i just did that to see if i could do the link by myself)

  15. Lol, I don’t even try to have this conversation with my husband. He has not been clean-shaven since end of first year exams in university. (That was almost 15 years ago.) Though now he is very careful to keep it neat and trimmed since my son will grab his dad by the face and pull like the devil. 🙂

    I also like a beard as long as it is nicely trimmed.

  16. (pps said link on word “mine”, above, doesn’t show up in red. urgh)

  17. Gunky,

    Me never have use too much for the teaching on the English. That for the nerds.

  18. do what I do. Withhold. Whether it takes days, weeks… just withhold.

    I have ALWAYS outlasted my husband.

    The family joke is… if he is cleanshaven… you know what has been happening at our house.

  19. Queen of Spain says:


    The poor man just needs to face facts. Whether he is trying or NOT, it’s a FREAKING BEARD.

  20. From Merriam-Webster:

    Main Entry: beard
    Pronunciation: ‘bird
    Function: noun
    Etymology: Middle English berd, from Old English beard; akin to Old High German bart beard, Latin barba
    1 : the hair that grows on a man’s face often excluding the mustache
    2 : a hairy or bristly appendage or tuft


    beard Audio pronunciation of “beard” ( P ) Pronunciation Key (bîrd)

    1. The hair on a man’s chin, cheeks, and throat.
    2. A hairy or hairlike growth such as that on or near the face of certain mammals.
    3. A tuft or group of hairs or bristles on certain plants, such as barley and wheat.
    4. One who serves to divert suspicion or attention from another.
    5. Printing. The raised slope on a piece of type between the shoulder or counter and the face. Also called neck.

    I may be just a redneck from Tennessee, but I gather from the above that a beard is any amount of hair on your face/neck other than the moustache.

    So THERE! You have a beard in everyone of those photos.


  21. We have a similar problem in our household – weeks and weeks of laziness apparently do not constitute a beard, but three days of intentional growth does. Ugh. Men.

  22. You women do no understand beards. They are simply not in your domain. You have opinions on beards, but that is all they will ever be.

    If a man goes hunting for a week and does not shave, he does not call it a beard. No style decision was made. He is simply scruffy from hunting.

    In contrast, if a man goes hunting for a week and on day four he thinks to himself, “this feels cool and I’m already 4 days into it, I should just let it grow”. That’s a beard.

    I really only have one concession to make. If the facial hair retains the flavor of the last meal/drink then it is a beard.

  23. Poor Kaiser, I sympathize with you. My husband has the most sensitive skin on his face, and after shaving his beard off and trying to just maintain a goatee for the last six months, he’s growing the beard back, because shaving just hurts his face. Although it does mean I have to deal with stubble for the next week or so, but then he has the beard, and they are sexy. The end.

  24. Queen of Spain says:

    So, if I say to myself, I really want to grow out my bush. Than it’s a bush. But if I just forget to shave or wax for a few weeks…what is it?

  25. Dana's Man says:

    It’s a chia pet that hasn’t sprouted fully. By the way, Queen, can you convince her to shave every day like I do?

    Oh, watch out! I see a shoe flying my way.

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