The Perfect Shirt

I found the perfect shirt today. It’s the shirt I’ve been looking for. The shirt I’ve been dreaming of. The shirt that will perfectly match the perfect pants and perfect boots I picked out for what will undoubtedly be an imperfect family photo taken at a JC Penny’s in West Virginia.

Yeah, you heard me.

The family will soon be traveling to West Virginia. To take photos in a JC Penny and ride on tractors. Well, I don’t think I will be riding on any tractors, but my son sure is excited.

Anyway, back to the shirt. The shirt is still sitting at a local department store after I carried two hysterical children, one under each arm, out of said department store. This was after the boy clung to a pair of jeans on a hanger, thinking it would save him from being carried out, and the girl crashed the display of Halloween sale items to the ground as she too grasped for something to stop the larger and stronger carrying arms of her mother.

Somewhere in the middle of looking at children’s clothing and finding that shirt, my kids got the store shits. You know, the store shits. The one where they get all grumpy because they have to look at Mommy things and not kid things and they don’t want to walk. Or be carried. So they touch things you tell them not to touch and the whine and complain the entire time and all you want to do is buy a motherfucking shirt.

You didn’t even try on the shirt, because you knew there was no way that was going to fly…but at least you found a shirt that will match your pants so you can look, at the very least, clean and respectable while you try and sit pretty for a picture. Taken at a JC Penny’s in West Virginia.

Now that stupid shirt is still sitting in the store where I am positive that RIGHT NOW some childless person is trying it on lazily and taking it up to the cash register. Stupid childless people. And your lazy, try on shopping. That’s MY shirt. Put it down.

Anyone want to babysit while I go buy a shirt?


  1. oooohhhhh….shopping with kids. I need a drink right now just thinking about it. Hope you can slip back for the shirt.
    Childless of course….

  2. If that is the perfect shirt…Drop off the kids here and go get it…I’ll be glad to hold down the troops while you buy the perfect shirt…they are oh so hard to come by.

    BTW: I might have let my daughter literally shit in the store for the perfect shirt.

  3. Can you find it online?

  4. Ha! Oh, how I feel your PAIN! The worst part for me is always the people glaring at me for DARING to do something so selfish as to try to buy clothes while my children scream. Grrr.

  5. Are you buying the shirt from JC Penney? -snicker-

    I’m so kidding. I can relate to the store shits. Dawson has them all the time. Except each time we go to the store he manages to injure himself because he’s too busy having a temper tantrum over those ridiculous fucking candy machines in the stoe foyer to look where the hell he’s walking.

    Holy shit…I swore. Twice. What the fuck is up with that? What happened to my not-so-potty mouth!

    I’ll fly over to babysit as long as you bring me back Jack Daniels and Clive Owen.

  6. sore. Err…no…that’s not the word either.


    Store Foyer. Not stoe…What the hell is wrong with me…..

  7. Oooh and that is why we don’t go to the mall anymore with the kids unless it is a jump in and make the deal at the pre chosen store and god help us if they don’t have the goofy FUN double stroller.

    I once had to shop for a wedding outfit and shoes with a screaming two year old.

    I did it.
    With bloody mindedness I squeezed us into the TEEEENY change room and diligently tried on every single thing I had brought in while she screamed the place down.

    I did get an outfit.

  8. I was just wistfully imagining the fun night my childless sister headed out of my house to enjoy tonight after visiting here for half the day. Her hubby came and picked her up and whisked her away to San Francisco for a month-early birthday surprise. All he told her was that the event started at 8pm and she should bring ear plugs. What a guy… what fun… they left me on the couch nursing a baby and trying to play (while sitting and only having one hand free) with a messy-haired three-year-old wearing only a tank top and underwear. >sigh

  9. Yeah, mean as it may sound, that is why I INSIST on keeping the boy in the stroller because it seems that Loverboy somehow magically forgets the chaos that comes with shopping with kids and having the 3-year-old unleashed!

    You know the worse part about their public rebellion and shriekalicious tantrums (of which my children are GODS)? The looks other PARENTS give you! Bastards!

    When I was preggers and about to pop with the boy, the girl was two and we were at a bookstore where she saw a counting book with pics of cheerios and decided that she wanted cheerios right then and there. “I don’t have any sweetie and will give them to you when we get home” did nothing to convince her and a full blown shriek until I burst your ears tanrum was had… I grabbed her, stood in line (because that book went up to 20, 20!!!, and not 10 like all the other stupid number books and I would be DAMNED if I didn’t get it as it was the last copy DAMN CHEERIO BOOK!), kid shrieking in my arms, the former sweet clerk giving me murderous looks while I just laughed louder the louder the girl screamed… and oh the sight of big bellied me with little shrieking girl as we left the store, her shrieks more desperate by the minute and my laughing hysterical… and yeah, other parents looking at me as though I had just severely abused the child and had she not been in my arms man would I have loved to have ripped into them! Like their kids never get like that?

    Which is why I LOVE your sharing of such moments with us… and by the way, I would be the mom who would give you an I-SO-feel-for-you-sistah smile!

  10. BTW if you wouldn’t mind please pass on some hellos from me, while you’re in WV, to the Kaiser’s parents – and I suppose your bro-in-law as well.

  11. Queen of Spain says:

    What I really want to know is…WHY oh WHY don’t they EVER do this for their FATHER?

  12. “Queen of Spain says:

    What I really want to know is…WHY oh WHY don’t they EVER do this for their FATHER? ”

    Cos the fathers don’t even TRY to take them shopping.

    Mine always says it is a FAMILY thing and we alllll get to go.

  13. I have that same reaction to Best Buy.

  14. I just couldn’t get over what I first THOUGHT the title said….without an R in shirt.

    Have fun in WV!

  15. Say it with me now… Online. Buy it online.

    I certainly do hate the store shits…

  16. See…this is why I read the blogs…to know I’m not alone!lol

  17. The store shits. That’s incredible! Thank you. That turn of phrase will save me from the fury the store shits incite with my husband, “Tut tut honey, they are simply experiencing the store shits.” He’ll never know what hit him.

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