Dear TSA

Dear Transportation Security Agency,

Do you have any idea the fear I had boarding a JetBlue flight from NYC’s JFK airport to Burbank, land of Jay Leno, California???

You see, as you know (because I called you 6 times)I lost my California Driver’s License somewhere around Madison Square Garden and the Empire State Building. I had no intention of losing my only photo ID. It was not some sort of ploy to make your life harder. It was not some sort of trick to keep you on the phone with me, a frantic mother of two, while you should be out tracking terrorists and hijacking people’s toothpaste and water bottles and, oh yeah-as I learned, jelly sandwiches. We all know how terribly explosive those Smucker’s people are. Smucker’s just sounds evil, I agree.

Anyway, i admit I was a bit of a pain in your ass. You see, I wanted to make sure I could, say, get home from New York. I had gotten to New York so, silly me, I wanted to get home from that great city.

Your nice agents assured me it was possible to return home, as planned. All I needed was two non-photo forms of ID. That’s it. They didn’t have to be originals. They could just be faxed to the hotel. But, I was told by your really well informed agents, there must be TWO pieces of faxed paper, and they both must contain the copies of two government issued documents. I was told this could be my social security card, my birth certificate, my marriage license, my divorce decree (not that I have one), or something like that. This, I was told, was the ONLY way I was getting on that plane home. The ONLY way I would ever see my wonderful husband and darling children again.

It’s not like I could rent a car without a driver’s license. Its not like I could use my credit card for a train ticket without a photo ID. No, I needed those two forms of ID, and my adoring Kaiser went through closet after closet, box after box and came away victorious.With two children tugging at his pants, he faxed the documents to the hotel. I waiting in a long line at the front desk and, eventually, walked away with the holy grail of paper.

I held the envelope tightly in my hand while I went up 10 floors to my room. I tucked the envelope away in a safe spot, awaiting the time and date of my return flight. I called your agents again and again…and maybe again. I needed to be sure these documents, tucked between my panties and my pj’s…would be my ticket home.

Yes, the agents told me…over and over. The documents would be fine, but they would be scrutinized. I would go through a more formal search, and I would be allowed to board the flight if my documents were in order.

Finally, the time came. With documents in hand I approached security…shaking. The Kaiser was on standby, waiting to hear if I made it through. Friends were on standby, waiting to come get me if they needed to, and my mother was on standby, convinced this was all a ploy to stay on vacation longer.

Security looked at my boarding pass, asked for my ID. I explained the situation and handed them my envelope of precious documents.

They didn’t even look at them.

Not a glance. Not a…hmmm…let me see what we have here.


I kept trying to hand security types my papers…someone needed to see these. SOMEONE needed to LOOK at my PROOF that I was NOT a terrorist.


NO takers.

Not one.

Just thought you should know.

Way to keep us safe, asshats,

Queen of Spain


  1. Then there was the time that my little blonde and silver 60 year old mother got the total pat down because she had a one way ticket, after having helped us move to FLA.

    Perhaps they were trying to even out their racial profiling numbers?

  2. OMG! That’s just….insane. GUH. I would write more…but I’m actually speechless. Glad you made it home though.

  3. Can’t tell you how much “contraband” I’ve unknowingy gotten through “security” with lately. Someone actually pulled out my over 4oz. tube a exfoliant and gave me a warning. A warning!!

    I feel SO much safer. Thanks TSA!!

  4. Argh, after all that stress and freaking out they didn’t even want to LOOK?! Unbelievable.

    Glad you made it back safe and sound. Guess you get a new driver’s license photo now, eh?

  5. For no reason I can identify, NY has the worst security in the world. We’ve flown 8 times in the past year. When we were flying from NY to Portland to get a connecting flight, the Portland security found a Swiss Army Knife in my husbands bag. He forgot it was there and NY missed it all together. They apologetically took it from him saying that he could mail it back to himself if he’d like to. He also kept lots of little electric doo dads to play with on the plane. Everywhere we’ve gone, but NY, he has his bag searched because of all the wires.

    Aside from the whole 911 catastrophe, you’d just think they’d be more careful in general. But, nah… I’ll bet they have that little tv programmed to What Not To Wear.

    Also, a friend of mine traveled with marijuana hidden in a pill container. She had her bag searched and they guy picked up the pill container and stuck it right back in her purse. She wasn’t sure if he simply didn’t look at it, or just didn’t feel like dealing with it. Either way… uh…?

  6. wifey615 says:

    I’m glad you made it back, but WOW….then WHY!!! just insane truly insane.

  7. Unbelievable. And I can guarantee had you not had two blank pieces of paper in an envelope (for all they know) you would be panhandling the streets of NYC right now. Or walking home. Oy! Yes, I feel much safer now knowing the government is on their best game.

  8. As always, I love you. And the icing on the cake……you used ……..


    ahhhhh. nice.

  9. Scary!

  10. One more reason why I prefer to drive anywhere that it is reasonably possible to drive (not that NY to CA is reasonable). These people scare me, and I didn’t like flying before the terrorists, so I sure as hell don’t like it now.

    And they took a jelly sandwich? WTF?

  11. I’ll bet you’re happy you didn’t have a monkey in your carry-on. TSA monkey regs here:

  12. I love you. PLEASE come here next. Me, I don’t go anywhere, ever, so it’ll have to be you.

  13. Jumpin’ Jesus on a pogo stick, Batman! That’s… pathetic. Slipshod adds, “well *I* feel safe!” Yeez.

  14. That’s purely crazy.
    But I’m so happy you got home safely, and I’m sure there were people just waiting to cling to your pants.

  15. Excellent. The time to strike is now, my brothers, while the godless heathens are distracted by American Idol! Death to America!

  16. Aha, I feel your pain. I was berated for not having a birth certificate or proof of shots for my 10 month old who was to ride on my lap. “You absolutley have to provide a birth certificate or shot verification.” To which I said, “But I don’t have those, I wasn’t told.” To which little miss sunshine said in a very loud attention getting voice, “A child cannot trravel without it. Has she ever had shots?” I squeaked that she had and then stood speechless as the woman refused to meet my eye. “Ok.” Then she handed me a boarding pass with an attached sheet for a lap child. “Next,” she barked. I shrugged and moved along, apparently public humiliation is a great stand in for documentation.

  17. All I have to say is *WOW*!!

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