Browsing Fark as usual today, I found a link to the Prairie Muffin Manifesto.
And because I can honestly say these women exist in my family, I tried to read all of it with an open mind.
And then my mind exploded.
While I can get behind their love of their God, their families, and their simple life…they lose me at “2) Prairie Muffins are helpmeets to their husbands, seeking creative and practical ways to further their husbands’ callings and aid them in their dominion responsibilities.” Ok. Fine. I support my hubby too. Help him however I can. But the problem is I can see where this little rule is going…
“9) Prairie Muffins do not reflect badly on their husbands by neglecting their appearance; they work with the clay God has given, molding it into an attractive package for the pleasure of their husbands.”
I’m stuttering now, and spitting a little. “Not reflect badly on their husbands” ??? “For the pleasure of their husbands”?????? Hellllllooooooooooooo Tom Cruise? Yeah, there is a group of women I’d looooooooooooooove to introduce you too. Yeah, the PM’s. Yeah…they are TOTALLY brainwashed, so I’m sure they would jump onto whatever snake oil you are hocking these days. Sure, all you have to do is be their husband, and they will do whatever you say. Seriously. Yeah, just like Katie. Uh-huh….
And then there is
“17) Prairie Muffins place their husbands’ needs and desires above other obligations, arranging their schedules and responsibilities so that they do not neglect the one who provides for and protects them and their children.”
In other words, the man comes first…you bitches have to wait.
“18) Prairie Muffins are fiercely submissive to God and to their husbands.”
And then it gets really good. Put down all your drinks now, because this one will make liquid come out your nose:
” 19) Prairie Muffins appreciate godly role models, such as Anne Bradstreet, Elizabeth Prentiss and Elisabeth Elliot. They do not idolize Laura Ingalls Wilder (Little House on the Prairie) or Louisa May Alcott (Little Women); while they may enjoy aspects of home life presented in their books, PMs understand that the latent humanism and feminism in these stories and in the lives of these women is not worthy of emulation.”
Because we all know that reading Little Women makes you want to grow up and be like Jo. And if you grow up and be like Jo, you’ll be educated and happy. Oh, wait…I mean you’ll be a childless lesbian. And that Laura Ingalls Wilder? Whore. LOUD MOUTH whore.
Which leads me to:
“22) Prairie Muffins try to maintain a peaceful environment for their families by keeping their voices quiet and their tones gentle as much as possible.”
Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha.
I’m sure if every man had his wish all women would be quiet, submissive, and as pretty as they could be all the time. We wouldn’t want them outspoken, or independent, or self confident…why, that would only lead to…lead to….um…..why exactly is it bad?????
Oh yes, because then men might not actually be in control.
Ladies, I really hope you are happy women. I truly do. I also hope you examine exactly why you are submissive. God is not an excuse for ignorance.
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Shash 07.03.06 at 3:21 pm
Damn! yet another group I could never belong to!!!
I’m too obnoxious, and I think Laura Ingalls rocks!
Shash
Erin 07.03.06 at 3:22 pm
I just want to say AMEN!
Violet the Verbose 07.03.06 at 3:59 pm
Omigod, yet another reason to stick my fingers in my ears and yell, “LALALALALALALALALALA!” No, PLEASE tell me you’re shitting me. Please? Because I’m not clicking on that link in case it’s real. I’d get way too depressed. But oh well, I guess as long as I’m not one of them, things are okay. For me.
I do wonder how many women can live that way indefinitely. Because I can tell you that my mom started out that way and she is SUCH the never-home feminist now. And she deeply, deeply resents my dad for all his years of domination. Which I must say, she ALLOWED. Know what I’m saying? Yes, they were both raised that that was the way to be, but she had a choice, as do we all, so I don’t think that once you realize that you should blame it all on the guy.
Am I getting off topic?
I just don’t think that a lot of women are truly wired that way. What you’ve said about the PMs with their rules makes me think of those crazy-ass groups that brainwash gay guys in order to “fix” them and turn them straight, only to in fact end up pushing them toward (or actually to) suicide.
You can’t fight what you are, though I don’t imagine that a lot of women with any sense of self-worth would be drawn to such a group as the Prairie Muffins in the first place.
Library Lady 07.03.06 at 6:28 pm
I wish they’d take the word “Muffins” out of their names. I love muffins, but these women could make me lose my appetite for them. How about the “Prarie Cold Dry Burned Toast”?
Love the bit about “Little House” and “Little Women”. Must be that bit about Laura refusing the use the word “obey” in her wedding vows that gets them about “Prarie”. As for “Little Women”, heaven knows what they were thinking. Even Jo settles down and has babies after all…
Suebob 07.03.06 at 10:18 pm
But do they give a good blowjob on Father’s Day?
Karl 07.03.06 at 10:24 pm
Wow, never heard of these Prairie Muffin Tops, but they sound like good people. How’d they find their way from 1850 to here?
Gidge 07.04.06 at 6:27 am
I am laughing so hard that I think I peed a little. VERY good stuff.
And I’m sure they give a good blowjob WHENEVER THEIR MAN WANTS IT. I’m thinking right after dinner but before coffee and dessert?
Maybe this is some Bondage and Domination fetish that we don’t understand, and these folks have taken the submission thing to THE NEXT LEVEL. I know someone who lived as a “slave” for several years in a relationship……sounds very similar, without all the god talk.
Queen of Spain 07.04.06 at 7:43 am
I’m so glad Library Lady reminded me that Jo did get married and have babies. Now I’m even MORE confused at to why Little Women would be bad.
…and I’m guessing they give blowjobs 365 days a year.
Is anyone else wondering how/why Gidge knows someone who lived as a slave??? Anyone?? Anyone???
mothergoosemouse 07.04.06 at 8:23 am
Barf. All of it. My head is definitely exploding.
I think it’s the sanctimonious nature of the “manifesto” (womanifesto? muffinafesto?) that makes me want to vomit.
Gwen 07.04.06 at 10:11 am
All I can say is OH MY GOD! Wot-the-hell???? Does it say anything in there about not minding if the “husband” having as many wives (and by that I mean pre-pubescent child brides)as he wants? Maybe they belong in Bountiful BC. Check out the links
http://www.polygamyinfo.com/plygmedia%2004%20237vsun.htm http://www.cbc.ca/fifth/bustupinbountiful/.
Sound familiar?
the kaiser 07.04.06 at 1:04 pm
It’s about time there were some women folk out there that recognizes that we, the husbands, PROTECT OUR FAMILIES.
Why, just the other day I spent the entire morning dealing with the zombies. Shoot one in the head, and 2 more were staggering towards me. All so my family didn’t get their brains eaten.
Seriously ladies. It’s time to recognize.
Anonymous 07.04.06 at 4:45 pm
Isn’t Prairie Muffin another word for Cow Pie?
Dana 07.04.06 at 8:08 pm
Ugh. I believe in God. And I go to church and read the bible, but I do it because I want to. And in my Catholic faith, the marriage is a partnership. There is no “One in Control of the Other”. That’s just sickening. I can’t believe there are women out there who act like they do!
Christina 07.04.06 at 8:31 pm
OK, I’ll admit I didn’t listen when you said to put your drink down. I about choked on my iced tea reading that.
What baffles me is how anyone can say they’re happy and yet believe that they are a lesser being when compared to someone else, and that in being a lesser being, their needs are not as important as someone else’s. Just how beaten down were these poor women growing up?
Jack's Raging Mommy 07.05.06 at 10:16 am
I wanted to tear my eyes away, but I had to see just how much worse it could get. I don’t even think my Very Baptist Mother Who No Longer Wears Pants would go along with that.
Jesus.
Aaron 07.05.06 at 3:17 pm
Kaiser,
You guys have zombies in California too? I thought that was just a Midwest problem…
the kaiser 07.06.06 at 1:25 pm
Aaron,
It’s California. We’ve got zombies, we’ve got CHUD, we’ve got it all. That’s why my family needs so much protectin’.
Gretchen 07.06.06 at 8:08 pm
That is so wrong on so many levels.
I think I’ll send my husband the link - he could use a good laugh.
suemamma 07.07.06 at 4:18 am
I speed read thru the whole thing too & it was really just too much! I thought that kind of thinking was confined to our third-world conservative women, after all, in India we have some women feeling that it’s the husband’s right to see his woman behaves!!
irreverentmama 07.07.06 at 1:19 pm
I’ve read Elisabeth Elliot, and though it was years ago and I’ve come a long way since then, baby, I can’t imagine she was a doormat. For one, she was married to Francis SCHAEFFER, and she DIDN’T CHANGE HER NAME!!! The hussy…
Jen 07.07.06 at 3:42 pm
Yep, scary, huh?
If you have some time to kill and don’t mind blowing out a few anger circuits, you might read “Created to Be His Helpmeet” where the author advises a battered woman to return to the husband to tried to kill her. Her reasoning was that if she was a better wife, he wouldn’t have attempted to murder her, so she needed to shape up. Nice.
And knocking Laura Ingalls? I don’t even know where to start…
nonlineargirl 07.07.06 at 6:46 pm
I’d comment on this but I am too busy rocking in fear and humming to myself.
Her Bad Mother 07.08.06 at 8:28 am
I think that we should set up Linda Hirshman and some Prairie Muffins in a cage match. The Prairie Muffins would probably just link arms and hum prayers, and Hirshman’s head would blow off and we could all l-a-u-g-h.
Motherhood Uncensored 07.09.06 at 3:30 pm
That’s funny - but I call my woohoo a prairie muffin.
And she’s very submissive.
TO ME.
Fraulein N 07.10.06 at 10:51 am
I don’t know whether to laugh, cry, or throw up. Ugh.
Fizzle 07.10.06 at 7:27 pm
…it reminds me of those bondage contracts sado (or is it masochists?) make their sex slave sign.
but, you know, if men folk be shooting the zombies, they deserve that we looks perty. and we should all just die like meg if we think we’re vaguely important. or was it one of the other little bitches who died? can’t remember….
Belinda 07.10.06 at 11:17 pm
I thought a praire muffin was poop left by prairie dogs, but whatever.
As soon as I figure out how to reconcile “fiercely” with “submissive,” I’m just all oooooover that. You betcha.
K. 07.11.06 at 6:40 am
I’m with nonlineargirl…help, help, help, it’s all a cry for help.
Tonya 07.11.06 at 12:06 pm
I started to comment but the words are all stuck underneath the disbelief.
I was taught to be submissive by my fine Southern Baptist upbringing. Yeah, I was taught it, but it somehow never took hold. Maybe because I don’t like being a doormat. But actually letting someone step in this pile of steaming, smelly crap and then walk all over you? Don’t think so.