The Post My MOTHER Can NOT Read (part one)

Or her friends. Or the rest of my family. So go away.

Ok, is it just US now? Good.

Ladies,

I love you. I love you all in ways I can’t even describe. I think you are all amazing and smart and beautiful and blah blah blah blah.

Here is the deal. I KNOW you’ve heard the rumors. Don’t act all coy, there has been talk and I am now here to set you all straight:

I’ve been talking with your husbands.

Don’t freak out, but for some reason they all seem to come to me to chat. I’m like that naughty big sister they can ask their really embarrassing questions too and I’ll give them honest answers. I have no idea how I gained the “Let’s ask Queen” status, I’m guessing it’s the flashing of my tits, but whatever it is they seem to find the courage to talk with me about things they are totally and utterly afraid to discuss with you. I’m picturing them all in a huddle, muttering together, and pushing ONE to the front to ask me something…you? Anyway…

Don’t be mad. They’d rather talk to you, trust me. They would also rather NOT talk to me…but really want to get some things off their chests and do their best to figure you women out. This is their little way of doing something for you. No. Really. I know its hard to believe, but they come to me because they want to be closer to you. They want to get inside your head. Woo you. Romance you.
Ok, that’s all bullshit.

Really, they want you to swallow, and somewhere along the lines I became Queen of Blow Jobs and now they all flock to me to try and find a way to get YOU to take their cocks deep into your throat and let them go crazy.

Everyone just take a deep breathe there. I know that last sentence was difficult. It’s ok. Stay with me…breathe…

Let’s talk basics. If you are a partner who gives your man the occasional or frequent oral pleasure we need to discuss how you “finish.” We also need to discuss this epidemic of you jacking him off and licking his tip and calling it a “blow job” but we’ll save that for another post. Sure we all have our fetishes and our own “way” of doing things. No one should ever do anything they don’t want to do and no one should do something that doesn’t bring them pleasure…but let’s get real here…the experience of oral is also the ending…sucking and licking only to end with your hand is a let down. I know. I know. Sad, but true.

The men though, they have let me in on a little secret. “Swallow” is the term most used, but I have it on good authority so long as it ends in your mouth you don’t actually need to GULP…it’s the location more than anything. The consistency, as it were. Takes it up to 11, if you know what I mean. Now personally I don’t have any issues with swallowing (you are all shocked I know) but some of you may have some gag issues and some ICK factor going on. Normal. Totally normal. Not your thing. I get it…but can I ask…and don’t kill me here…not your thing because you’ve tried and just think its gross or not your thing because just the thought seems disgusting? I’m just asking…because, you know, we say to the kids all the time “as least try it first…”

Ok, ok, how about some practical ways to tackle this: Might I offer the advice of trying different angles? Not straight on…but with him on his side and you sliding down on your side? Or him OVER you in a 69 so you get some fun too, which might make you forget about the whole gag/gross thing? You’d be amazed what you suddenly can do, or not mind doing, while he’s making you moan…

Try it.

Now you might be saying to me right now..”he’s just lucky he’s getting ANY,” and yes…this is true. These husbands and boyfriends and partners should NOT be picky about the quality…or should they?

I mean, I know as well as you do that when I want something I expect my partner get to it and do it RIGHT. I’m rather demanding that way, and not just when it comes to sex. Of course there may not be a right or wrong way to get someone off, but I’ll be damned if a whole lot of your husbands would like to see a bit more “effort” on your part.

Yes, I’m tired too..and yes, they are selfish bastards…but if we’re going to go through with getting them snoring in 2.4 minutes then let’s do it with some GUSTO! Enough of my cheerleading and rah rah blow your husbands…let’s get back to what they say…

…after “swallow” on their list of fun stuff..are you ready to hear what else they want? Do you care? Because there is more…and I feel it’s my duty to tell you all, because their whining is getting overwhelming and I finally need to just break down and talk about it.

If it makes you feel any better I make them “listen” and “help” you in return. Don’t worry, I’m representing for you too. Those flowers you got last week? All me. That new little nighty? Yea, me too. He might have even offered to take the kids while you got an uninterrupted bubble bath, thank me later.

We can get more practical “technique” or I can dish more on what they tell me they like and want..or both, your call. Either way I’m here and I’m ready to spill.

Oh, you can breathe again…go ahead, I’m done now.