December 26, 2007

Mom Gone Mad

So I’m having it out with Dad Gone Mad. I can do that, he’s my friend. So don’t be getting any ideas that we hate each other or something. We’re friends that can agree to disagree and go back and forth and get nasty but still respect each other.

He’s being a big girl and wants Nickelodeon to take Zoey 101 off the air. He’s also against them airing any sort of special on teen pregnancy. Why? I’ll let him tell you:

“There was a report by the Associate Press yesterday that announced Nickelodeon was considering a special program on its air about teen pregnancy. I nearly puked.

 

Fact: teen pregnancy is real.

Fact: kids need to know what this girl did was stupid, irresponsible, and ruinous.

 

Fiction: that message should be delivered on a television show.

 

I’m naïve. I went to a state university. I’ve had a mental illness. But this is what I want.

I want Nickelodeon – a channel that markets itself toward children – to take a fucking stand.

 

I want them to announce that they have canceled this show, and I want them to say they did so because their audience is children and Ms. Spears’ behavior does not reflect the image they want those children to see.

I want them to say that parents who wish to speak to their children about this issue can log onto a website where they can find resources and strategies written by professionals.

In my view, that would be the decent thing to do.

I do NOT want this girl to be lambasted, nor do I want to see her mother publicly humiliated. Her daughter is not the only pregnant teenager in America.”

Danny, Danny, Danny. This makes me want to kick you in the nads. Why? Let’s read Erin’s comment in Danny’s post:

 

“Alright I realize we’ve been around and around on this already..but here goes anyway:

You’re all fucking crazy. Stick your heads in the sand some more and shun 16 year olds for irresponsible sex. Oh, wait…it’s the 16 year old GIRL we’re shunning. Nice message asshats.

So you’re fine with Bratz commercials because HEY, that’s just subliminal. Yet when they offer to tackle the subject with discretion and age appropriateness you get all up in arms? What the hell? If the sex is there already, subliminal or otherwise, why are you letting them watch Nick NOW?

And what, exactly, is a 6-year old doing watching that anyway? I mean…last I checked her character wasn’t knocked up and talking about this. And if Nick addresses it, turn it the hell off if you don’t want them to see it.

I applaud Nick for at least trying here. Will they get it right? I have no idea. And as a parent it’s your duty to prescreen or shut it off if you don’t like it. Do I think they should air or not air a special? I’m not sure. Depends on how, when, etc. Again, at least they are *thinking* about how to deal with it. You just want it swept under the rug instead of having a *gasp* talk with your kids. Be a parent, teach them things in an age appropriate manner or don’t let them watch tv or go outside or see the world, period.

Your job is to guide and protect, and the last I checked sex wasn’t something anyone needed protection from, just education ON. It’s not evil and it’s not bad and it’s not WRONG.

BTW, you can’t fire a woman for being pregnant, it’s against the law.

My kids are 4.5 and 2.5 and there is no mystery about babies or sex and they are STILL KIDS.
You people need to get the stick out of your asses.”

Furthermore: Let your preschooler and or elementary schooler watch High School Musical or Zoey 101 or some other teen/tween show and you get what you ask for. You get Bratz commercials and innuendo. You get the possibility they will pick up on something YOU are not ready to address. This is YOUR fault. Not Jamie Lynn Spears OR Nickelodeon.

Treat sex like some ticking time bomb and it will be just that in your house. Some unspoken, totally mysterious, ticking time bomb. My preschoolers ask and get answers. “Yes, Mommy’s have babies in their bellies, yes, a man helped make the baby with his penis.” Not totally scientific but also not crazy inappropriate for their age.

…and ANOTHER thing. Zoey 101 is done. It’s over. It’s been filmed. JLS isn’t acting on it pregnant. She’s not pregnant in the story line. She’s not even talking about being pregnant. She’s pregnant in real life. She’s not filming pregnant. She’s not flaunting her teenage mistake in front of your 6-year old who shouldn’t be watching that freaking show anyway. On the show she’s the same character addressing the same issues as she always did. And what about re-runs? Or those now invalid because the star got in trouble OFF screen?

Just curious, did you pull HSM from the DVD bin when what’s her name’s naked pics came out?

I’m thinking of voices in animated cartoons I watch…man, some of those actors really fuck themselves up off camera. Alex the Lion? (Ben Stiller) Dori?(Ellen) Lightening McQueen? (Luke Owen Wilson) I mean just right there you’ll need to talk about dirty jokes, lesbianism, and suicide with your kids. And that’s just off the top of my head.

I think your anger is displaced and you need to get over sex issues and discuss things with your children if and when they ask. Don’t be afraid. It’s going to be oooookkkkkk.

Nickelodeon doesn’t need to send any messages. To anyone. They are not responsible for your kids. They make tv shows for children and tweens and teens. If you don’t like what they make, turn off your goddamn television.

But Danny knows I love him. And hot wife. And wonder sis. And I’m guessing he’s going to email me and yell at me in about 5…4….3…2…. but hopefully I made him think, just a little.

November 13, 2007

…wondering if I’d be arrested in Wisconsin

Theoretically when my children can read, they could easily find my blogs. There are times I don’t close my laptop, there are times I am on the phone saying things like “Queen of Spain” and “Queen’s Bedroom.” My big mouth can be found, easily, all over the web.

I’ve been asked many times what I will say when they see what I’ve written. I’ve talked about them right along with talking about blow jobs. Will they be scarred? Will they feel used? Will they report me to authorities?

There is a story out of Wisconsin about a mom who got graphic with her kids while talking about sex. I have no idea if this woman is a lunatic and did things that would even make me blush. What I do know is this court case sets one hell of a precedent for those of us who speak frankly to our children.

“According to the charges filed against her, Smalley last year told her sons about several sexual experiences she had. She also allegedly described performing oral sex and also showed the two a sex toy.”

I suppose if I were not blogging these things, I’d be talking about them. Outloud. To friends. To family. To anyone who would listen. This is life. I don’t hide. I would tell stories of my life to a room full of friends and talk about sex to a gaggle of girlfriends. It’s who I am. Anyone who knows me will tell you the way I write is the way I talk. So when it comes to discussing sex with my kids…do you think I’ll censor?

I am a firm believer in answering honestly. If my daughter asks me what I do in bed…how I do it…will I answer her if I think I will get PUT IN JAIL? I’m guessing I’ll be in prison before my kids turn 17 if that is the case. Of course I will make every attempt to be truthful yet age appropriate, but I can’t imagine I will hold back much.

How far would I go? How graphic would I get? I would like to think I could describe oral sex, something that got the mother in question in trouble. Show my children a vibrator as part of one of my speeches? Why on earth wouldn’t I if they asked? Are children capable of understanding and hearing these things in the media and public NOT allowed to know what they are, what they look like, what they do????

“Why yes, this is what they look like…it can be used for masturbation, which is perfectly normal and healthy when done in private.” is exactly what I would say.

My children will be totally freaked out and embarrassed by me for about one million reasons. I can think of many worse things I will do, correction, have done, than educate them about sex.

I’ve noticed many people arguing the only way to look at this situation is to imagine it was a father talking to daughters. Accusations of “pervert” and “pedophile” would fly, they say. I just hope when my kids’ father sits down and has one of many discussions with them about the birds and the bees, he doesn’t feel censored because he’s afraid of being imprisoned.

Again, by all news accounts I am not sure what sort of conversation this mother had with her sons, but let’s say she was graphic as hell…maybe she told them she likes it on top. Maybe she told them what she does to please a man. Maybe she was totally inappropriate. She was charged with a felony,

“In the agreement, Smalley pleaded no contest to a misdemeanor charge of exposing a child to harmful material in exchange for the dismissal of a felony charge of exposing a child to harmful descriptions.”

I’d like to know exactly what constitutes “harmful material” and “harmful descriptions” and who gets to decide. I’m assuming this information coming from a parent is also taken into account? Maybe not?

I think I’m just going to start planning for my incarceration. Years from now when my kids are older, they’ll be surfing the net and come across mommy’s blogs. I’ll, of course, answer any questions they have…and then apparently get myself a lawyer.

October 26, 2007

Introducing: The Queen’s Bedroom

Let’s face it, we became parents by having sex* and sex is usually somewhere on our minds. It’s time to be more open about “doing it” and communicate our issues with sex and all it encompasses. I want to empower women to embrace who they are as sexual beings. I want to talk about all the issues we never speak, but want to get out.

With that in mind I’ve created, with some awesome help, Queen’s Bedroom. Where you can come to talk about all those things you can’t even discuss with your best friend. Where you can come to tell your husband where to find your g-spot…where you can admit you want a threesome or admit your sex drive is gone since having kids.

Come. Sit on my bed. Giggle. Play. Don’t be afraid.

*and yes, those who adopt do it too

October 17, 2007

The Post My MOTHER Can NOT Read (part one)

Or her friends. Or the rest of my family. So go away.

Ok, is it just US now? Good.

Ladies,

I love you. I love you all in ways I can’t even describe. I think you are all amazing and smart and beautiful and blah blah blah blah.

Here is the deal. I KNOW you’ve heard the rumors. Don’t act all coy, there has been talk and I am now here to set you all straight:

I’ve been talking with your husbands.

Don’t freak out, but for some reason they all seem to come to me to chat. I’m like that naughty big sister they can ask their really embarrassing questions too and I’ll give them honest answers. I have no idea how I gained the “Let’s ask Queen” status, I’m guessing it’s the flashing of my tits, but whatever it is they seem to find the courage to talk with me about things they are totally and utterly afraid to discuss with you. I’m picturing them all in a huddle, muttering together, and pushing ONE to the front to ask me something…you? Anyway…

Don’t be mad. They’d rather talk to you, trust me. They would also rather NOT talk to me…but really want to get some things off their chests and do their best to figure you women out. This is their little way of doing something for you. No. Really. I know its hard to believe, but they come to me because they want to be closer to you. They want to get inside your head. Woo you. Romance you.
Ok, that’s all bullshit.

Really, they want you to swallow, and somewhere along the lines I became Queen of Blow Jobs and now they all flock to me to try and find a way to get YOU to take their cocks deep into your throat and let them go crazy.

Everyone just take a deep breathe there. I know that last sentence was difficult. It’s ok. Stay with me…breathe…

Let’s talk basics. If you are a partner who gives your man the occasional or frequent oral pleasure we need to discuss how you “finish.” We also need to discuss this epidemic of you jacking him off and licking his tip and calling it a “blow job” but we’ll save that for another post. Sure we all have our fetishes and our own “way” of doing things. No one should ever do anything they don’t want to do and no one should do something that doesn’t bring them pleasure…but let’s get real here…the experience of oral is also the ending…sucking and licking only to end with your hand is a let down. I know. I know. Sad, but true.

The men though, they have let me in on a little secret. “Swallow” is the term most used, but I have it on good authority so long as it ends in your mouth you don’t actually need to GULP…it’s the location more than anything. The consistency, as it were. Takes it up to 11, if you know what I mean. Now personally I don’t have any issues with swallowing (you are all shocked I know) but some of you may have some gag issues and some ICK factor going on. Normal. Totally normal. Not your thing. I get it…but can I ask…and don’t kill me here…not your thing because you’ve tried and just think its gross or not your thing because just the thought seems disgusting? I’m just asking…because, you know, we say to the kids all the time “as least try it first…”

Ok, ok, how about some practical ways to tackle this: Might I offer the advice of trying different angles? Not straight on…but with him on his side and you sliding down on your side? Or him OVER you in a 69 so you get some fun too, which might make you forget about the whole gag/gross thing? You’d be amazed what you suddenly can do, or not mind doing, while he’s making you moan…

Try it.

Now you might be saying to me right now..”he’s just lucky he’s getting ANY,” and yes…this is true. These husbands and boyfriends and partners should NOT be picky about the quality…or should they?

I mean, I know as well as you do that when I want something I expect my partner get to it and do it RIGHT. I’m rather demanding that way, and not just when it comes to sex. Of course there may not be a right or wrong way to get someone off, but I’ll be damned if a whole lot of your husbands would like to see a bit more “effort” on your part.

Yes, I’m tired too..and yes, they are selfish bastards…but if we’re going to go through with getting them snoring in 2.4 minutes then let’s do it with some GUSTO! Enough of my cheerleading and rah rah blow your husbands…let’s get back to what they say…

…after “swallow” on their list of fun stuff..are you ready to hear what else they want? Do you care? Because there is more…and I feel it’s my duty to tell you all, because their whining is getting overwhelming and I finally need to just break down and talk about it.

If it makes you feel any better I make them “listen” and “help” you in return. Don’t worry, I’m representing for you too. Those flowers you got last week? All me. That new little nighty? Yea, me too. He might have even offered to take the kids while you got an uninterrupted bubble bath, thank me later.

We can get more practical “technique” or I can dish more on what they tell me they like and want..or both, your call. Either way I’m here and I’m ready to spill.

Oh, you can breathe again…go ahead, I’m done now.