I miss having colds. You know, the kind where you get all miserable for a few days, people say how sorry they are you feel poorly, and you eat lots of soup. Colds are a manageable illness. Almost fun.
Now I have to explain, over and over again, we’re not entirely sure what’s wrong with my body (it’s an auto-immune disorder). And I can’t just take a box of tissue and some tea and go lay in bed.
It’s been two weeks since my total hysterectomy, and eight weeks since they took 13 inches of my colon and my entire gall bladder. It’s been 16 weeks since they first cut me open, poking around and cleaning inflammation and adhesions, trying to figure out why I had been so very ill.
I look like skin and bones, and not the good kind. As my husband says, I don’t look like someone who has lost a lot of weight…I look like someone who has been very ill. And it’s true, I’ve been very ill. Very, very ill.
I’ve penned my funeral wishes. Put on paper what I want for my kids and family after my death. Thought very hard about what should happen if my vital organs were attacked like their non-vital sisters.
It’s not easy to think about these things, but I was calm and they were necessary. In the moment you just … do. I felt I had to at least prepare for the worst so I would have no regrets if it all went South.
Family has flown in and out-of-town. Friends have visited. It’s been 16 weeks of questions and theories, all while I lay on the couch in my pj’s trying so hard to hold in all the emotion flooding my usually bustling body.
We’ve all sort of soldiered on around here, waiting. Waiting to see if there will be four or five surgeries instead of these three. Waiting to see if they find Cancer. Waiting to see if I feel better when I awake from anaesthesia.
We know now there is no Cancer. And we are cautiously optimistic as this last surgery has me feeling better than I have felt in a year. But there always seems to be the other shoe that drops.
Fuck that shoe.
I’m done.
And I will keep that damn shoe in the air by sheer force of will if I have to. I feel stronger. I feel better. I’m eating, I’m walking more than just around the block. And I have every intention of revising those death wishes for many, many years to come.
There is something that happens when you spend your 10th wedding anniversary dancing in your kitchen, instead of a romantic Inn as planned. There is something that happens when your oldest child needs therapy for his mounting anxiety and your youngest re-enacts nothing but sickness and death with her stuffed animals. There is something that happens when you spend too many weeks in pj’s on the couch, petting your new puppy (a gift to help you heal) and wondering how to conquer the world while feeling more like taking a nap.
This body is officially on notice. There will be no other shoe to drop, there will be no more surgeries. There will be no more of this disorder. I’m done. And you’re getting off this couch.
Yes, my dear body, you can #suckit.
In fact, the next time you end up on this couch, it will be because of some measly cold. You will get tissues and maybe some soup, if you’re lucky.
Perhaps I’m being too harsh on this frail frame of now 123lbs. But I don’t care. Tough love baby. Tough love. I have children to raise, a husband to dote on, and Democrats to elect.
…And I refuse to let anything get in the way… even my stubborn self.
Damn it, woman, now I’m crying. I feel like we should stage a march and shout “We shall overcome!” or something.
.-= schmutzie´s last blog ..Griefs Children =-.
OK, this?
Yes, my dear body, you can #suckit.
Made me both cry and cheer at the same time.
You go, Erin.
.-= zchamu´s last blog ..For Paula =-.
This post in all its glory, honesty and resilience is why dear, sweet Erin you are the Queen.
.-= Melissa Chapman´s last blog ..11 years and counting =-.
And, let me tell you as someone who’s been there done that, when you do get that cold, you’ll think, wow, this is NOTHING.
.-= Rachel´s last blog ..Days of Grace- 313-365 =-.
Go.
.-= juliejulie´s last blog ..The one about the Hobo and the Klondike Bar =-.
Good.
.-= Backpacking Dad´s last blog ..Backpacking Dad Goes to Canada Triptravaganza! Part Three- Adrian Goes to the Rez =-.
Tears of relief tinged with why does shit like this affect such wonderful people and a hope that it all makes your family even stronger than you were before. Fuck that shoe I’ll threaten it too you are too amazing.
.-= habanerogal´s last blog ..A year ago =-.
you go, girl! give that body a #punchintheface! it’s not the boss of you!
Mine feels the need to not cooperate with me lately, too. I’m typing this with one hand as the right side of my body quit a few weeks ago unannounced due to some kind of freaky hemiplegic migraine. Keep fighting!!
.-= vickie p´s last blog ..Hand Art Therapy Doodle =-.
I’m glad you’re feeling better. It’s nice to see strong, hopeful posts and tweets from you again.
.-= Peeved Michelle´s last blog ..But Im A Cool Mom! =-.
Couldn’t put it better myself Erin! You are one tough woman and so I’m not surprised that you are now putting your body on notice. Enough of the bullshit already. You have been through enough and so has your loving family and all of your friends and all of us who support you online.
Also, though, let your self get emotional…..it’s okay. Really, it is! Oh, and while you are at it, tell that body to get ready for a LOT of hugs (Including from me) next year at BlogHer – I think they will have to create a booth or something…..for the long line! LOL
.-= Cathy´s last blog ..Meatless Monday – Five Favorites of my Meat Loving Husband =-.
What Schmutzie said. She is much better with words than I am anyway. UGH. I am just aching and sad and proud and pissed and hopeful here all at the same time.
Kick its ass, Erin.
xoxoxoxox
.-= Loralee´s last blog ..Breaking up with Peg Bundy =-.
Sending all my love, strength and any gusto you need, Mama. Love you all.
.-= Karen Sugarpants´s last blog ..Forgive Me Muffintop- For I Have Sinned… =-.
YEAH!!!
.-= Average Jane´s last blog ..Average Jane Gets Quieter =-.
Damn it woman, next time I’m there I’m finding that f*cking shoe and burning it. And then, because You. Will. Be. Better. we’re going to find you some new shoes, like really expensive ones (shut-up Aaron) and go out on the town in them.
Keep fighting, lady. xoxo
Love you so much.
.-= Belinda´s last blog ..You Muskmelon Make This Jam =-.
You’ve lent a great deal of perspective to my day, and I’m very grateful. My tired ass has nothing on your amazing resilience! Be well!!!
.-= Walking In My Sleep´s last blog ..You Are What You Wear =-.
This was a great post. Stay strong.
.-= Derek Coward´s last blog ..2 People Talking 74- Derek Loves Fashion =-.
You DO have Democrats to elect.
The rest just brought a tear to my eye. (hug!)
Now get up and go. We’re all here to support you. ALWAYS!
Love you!!!
You have so many voices and hearts behind you right now. You CAN do this. Be well. Because I really think you will be well again.
.-= Caroline´s last blog ..Time for Myself =-.
Yes, dammit. Fight on. Your footsoldiers are behind you every step of the way.
Thank you for being so open about all this…for you and for all of us who may (and I pray not) need to know there is no reason to give up.
Blessings for strength and healing.
xo
.-= Marla Schulman´s last blog ..Watch Tonight =-.
Woo!!!!! I wish you much strength.
I also will remind you not to push yourself too hard and put too much strain on your already strained body. I know you know that, but the nanny in me (there is no mom in me yet) has to remind you. *wags a finger*
((hugs))
.-= Sarahndipitea´s last blog ..365 days of uncluttering – day 1 =-.
I’m with you, sister. I’ve informed my body that this long held siege against my plans for which we have very little explanation is going to have to end.
Burn the shoe! Fight! I’m in those trenches too and I know we can win!
Rock on! You are a force to be reckoned with. We are cheering you on and you will win.
.-= Corina ´s last blog ..Happiness – Then and Now =-.
Kick ass and take names. You go, Erin. I have no doubt you will be better.
Being I’ll sucks ass.
.-= Tina´s last blog ..The pitfalls of social media- an apology- of sorts =-.
You go, Erin! You’re a fighter, you will do it! Woohoo!
.-= Nadine´s last blog ..Im a really good Blogger =-.
If anyone can kick your body into submission, you sound like you can. Go!
.-= Marilyn (A Lot of Loves)´s last blog ..Another First =-.
go Erin. In our family we call that “active nursing,” caring for you by keeping you active, so you don’t let yourself sink into victimhood. Because of the enormous mind/body connection, active nursing, or refusing not to be healthy, seems to work for us. I am the wrong kind of doctor (of philosophy) but I prescribe it for you anyway:-)
.-= Francine Hardaway´s last blog ..Leo LaPorte- Buzz- Twitter and Facebook =-.
Each shabbos we have a prayer for healing, Friday night at the Reform congregation where I go for Kaddish and on Saturday at the Traditional congregation of my primary membership it takes place at the end of the weekly Torah reading. Usually when people are named, it is their given name son/daughter of father’s name. For the Birchat Cholim, Prayer for the Sick, individuals are identified as son/daughter of their mother instead of their father. It is the mother that brings strength and stability to the household, even more so when it is the mother who is ill.
Wishing you successful completion of what must have been a surgical ordeal. As the Reform version of the prayer with a lovely Debbie Friedman tune goes, Bless those in need of healing with r’fuah sh’lema (complete recovery) with restoration of body and spirit, and let us say, Amen.
.-= furrydoc´s last blog ..New Job Upcoming =-.
If anyone could conquer mysterious illness by sheer force of will, I am pretty sure it would be you. If the mythical personification of Death himself actually showed up at your door, scythe and all, I imagine you’d offer him a cup of tea and then challenge him to an armwrestling match. And win.
But don’t forget you have a lot of friends and family cheering in your corner. If you need help, ask us.
.-= Jaelithe´s last blog ..Seeds =-.
Been there…. doing that. And it sucks. We’ve been fighting our battle *seriously* (like all the other time wasn’t serious) for 3 years. My son did the same as your oldest, and we turned to home school as the answer. And blah blah blah I could go on… but this about me saying.. I hear you, I totally understand…. *hugs* and the very very best wishes.
Send that “other shoe” my way. I like shoes. And I like you enough to take the lumps on your behalf. I wasn’t kidding when I said to call me if you need bail money – I got your back. 🙂
.-= Lara´s last blog ..Let the Countdown Begin =-.
If the other shoe drops, encourage the puppy to puke in it. Puppies are great for such tasks. Then throw it away and keep moving. I know you can do it.
.-= sam´s last blog ..Where I Step In It =-.
*hugs* I can’t imagine going through what you have gone through. I am so glad you didn’t give up on yourself. And I am glad you are feeling better, if not feeling 100% yet.
Remember, you have the #suckit dancers and cheerleaders on your side!
.-= Melinda´s last blog ..Tease =-.
For what it’s worth I work for a place with world renowned scientists attempting to find cures for autoimmune diseases. I’ll tell them to speed it the hell up 😉
Be well, my friend. That body of yours will listen. It knows better.
Sending positive thoughts and even a prayer your way. Specifically for that body of yours to get better. So sorry it’s been very rough going for you. Take care and heal quickly.
Your spirit and fight is amazing Erin and you will beat this. I know it. You don’t even know me, except for the occasional tweet back and forth, but I am in your corner, rooting for you to come back stronger and more emposered. Hang in there.
Tricia x
.-= Tricia (irishsamom)´s last blog ..Perspective =-.
Awww man… please allow me to remove my foot from my mouth. I’m sorry for my comment, I had no idea everything that had been going on with you. You sound like you’re in good spirits, though.. I admire your kick ass mindset. I hope this is the last surgery for you, as well, and that you continue to feel better.
.-= Kellee´s last blog ..Before I’m Thirty =-.
Erin, you sound as though you have enough fight and courage to take on the world but I’m sending you even more courage and sincere hopes and wishes for a full, speedy, and if necessary, a miraculous recovery. You, your body and your family and friends have been through hell and as Sir. Winston Churchill said “When you’re going through hell, keep going!”
Nail that damned shoe to the ceiling if you need to and stay strong.
As always – your blog rocks. You are still in our prayers and thoughts, and fuck that shoe!
you are the definition of triumph. perseverance.
you are this century’s joan of arc in so many ways, especially for women and men to own their right to voice themselves everywhere that matters. especially the internet.
you are our hero.
you are our heroine.
you will win this battle because we need you to and because you need you to.
death is a power that doesn’t have to win.
not if we rally.
and we are.
for you.
with you.
because of you.
you are so loved erin.
need you doubt that for a moment, read this and re read this.
may you not feel alone for an ounce.
may you realize all those who’s footsteps you help take another step…not just here but around the world. with each victory. and battle won.
we need you.
insist on living.
we are. for you.
love.
.-= tresha´s last blog ..Heal Heartache- Part 2- Listen =-.
As if this cranky and mysterious auto-immune whatevers ever had a chance against you! Ha.
I have one too, though in 15 years it has yet to be named and has claimed no organs — just more (non)slumber parties at the hospital than Id wish on anyone.
I hope you get answers today, Erin.
.-= Tara´s last blog ..tara on the wander – where in the world =-.
Love your determination ! Go Erin!!!!
#suckit
I think about you often and send positive thoughts and healing vibes your way.
Whatever has decide to mess with you has picked the wrong woman. You can do this. I know you can. <3
.-= Schneider, Mike´s last blog ..SXSW- 7 Panels to Give Thumbs Up =-.
Atta girl! You tell that body who’s boss. And it better f-ing listen. I really do hope you keep things on the upswing and that shoe enjoys the rest of all time in the air.
.-= Jill @BabyRabies´s last blog ..I Did A Little Decorating Today =-.
Healing karma headed your way. You sure have a shitload of stuff to deal with, and it sounds as though you’re handling it with considerable aplomb.
My very best wishes for a smooth and rapid recovery.
I don’t even know you. In fact, this is the first thing of yours I’ve ever read. But you’re amazing to share what you did the way you did. You will get better, and the world around you will be better for it.
Damn straight!
.-= Miss Britt´s last blog ..Most People Are Not Idiots =-.
Wow Erin, I don’t know you, but after reading your post I do think that you are very special person who knows herself very well. And how we people in the rest of the world are, cause your words are universal and will stand time. Especially ‘#suckit’ strike a bittersweet nerve.
I hope you feel better soon, and that you’ll heal
soon too. Love from Amsterdam, Holland.
To many, many, many years of #suckit usage to come.
.-= VDog´s last blog ..Some People Have All The Luck =-.