Of Cabbages And (pre)Cancer Cells

I write this with cabbage caressing my tits.

The stank of what I normally associate with my grandfather’s cooking, my mother’s horrible diet soup, and St. Patrick’s Day is wrapped, snuggly, around my chest.

This cabbage is my only relief. I would hump this cabbage if it were a person, that is how much I adore it’s leafy goodness.

So why do I have veggies on my boobies??

We’re weaning.

I’m not happy. The Princess really isn’t thrilled. But Mommy needs to have her neck cut open in a few weeks and at almost 2-years-old, it seems silly to put it off.

My son thinks the doctors will be beheading me and then reattaching my head to my neck. He is concerned I will “talk to the rest of the body” while my head is off.

In reality, my thyroid will be dying. Alison once offered a funeral and I believe I may take her up on that nice gesture. The Chief of Head and Neck Surgery over at UCLA will have the honor of navigating my neck. His job is to make sure all the bad stuff comes out and I can still deliver a newscast like a pro when all is said and done. He took care of Wayne Newton’s pipes, and what’s good enough for Wayne is good enough for me. Danke shen you very much.
I get an all insurance paid stay at the lovely UCLA Medical Center which may only be about 35 miles from my home, but will take loved ones at least an hour to travel. The Queen Mother if flying in and will make sure my house doesn’t turn into Lord of the Flies.

Adding to my severe engorgement are migraines and sinus issues from hell due to 85mph winds-in Southern FREAKING California. The headaches are the good part. I have a large patio umbrella in the bottom of my pool and the table was only saved by it’s varnish.

How does one go about getting an umbrella out of the deep end while swaddled in cabbage leaves??? 

So please forgive my blogging respite. Once the head and tits are under control, I’m sure I’ll be writing all about my anxiety over dying on the operating table and if the Kaiser will then (and only then) let the children have a dog.

Let’s not forget the drama that is weaning a daughter. My son cried. My daughter is trying to manipulate me.

Stay Tuned.


  1. they will take good care of you over there – think of it as a little vacation.

    are you going cold turkey with the boobs? i need some guidance in the weaning department.

  2. Oooh…my boobs hurt just thinking about what you’re going through.

    How long will you stay at the hospital? At least you get a little time off, right? Sounds like you’re in good hands, so I wouldn’t worry about the surgery itself.

  3. Oy. I’m sorta hoping Ry just weans himself slowly and at the ripe age of at least 18 months so I don’t have to deal with that.

    Good luck with the surgery. Sounds like you’ll be in the best care.

  4. Have a rest.
    Care for your boobs and your neck….

    All will be fine in the end, but you will have lots to blog about

  5. Oh weaning was horrible! I’m so sorry that you’re going through such pain. The good news is that the excruciating pain will only last for a few days. Plus, the cabbage stinks so bad that it usually keeps the weaning child away from you! Good luck to you with all of your ailments!

  6. How did I miss this? You have thyroid cancer? I had no idea. Do you read Radioactive Girl (Tori)? She was recently dx’ed with the same. I wish you much luck with weaning and of course, with the surgery 🙂

  7. Best wishes to your tits and tête. I missed this news as well, but great luck with your surgery. I know someone else who had the decapitation-style surgery and it worked very well for him. Let us know how it goes please.

  8. I’m new to your site and am enjoying reading it. I just had three surgeries myself so I know what you are thinking about. Just relax (I know easier said than done) but make sure that you tell them to give you lots of the drug that stop you from throwing up afterwards. Good luck.

  9. don’t forget the frozen bag of peas, they also help.

  10. Oh hun, I hope all goes well!

  11. How is the Princess manipulating you? I’m so curious to know what she’s saying. She’s a spitfire, that little one!

  12. Long hot baths and liquor help.

    You take care of you.

  13. I concur on the frozen peas–definitely helped. Good luck with your surgery!

  14. Um, pre-cancer cells? Did I miss something? You don’t sound too worried about that, so that’s good… I look forward to hearing more on the subject.

    Good luck with the weaning. I’ve heard of the cabbage leaves at the beginning, when engorgement first happens postpartum. hee hee! As for weaning – with Sweet Pea it was not as difficult as I expected. Of course, for me my milk was drying up due to being pregnant again (which I know does not happen to everyone), so she knew the store was going away anyway… but to ease the transition for her at bedtime I changed our bedtime routine a little, including the songs that I sang to her, so that she would recognize the change and hopefully not expect the same thing. Seemed to work. She only asked to nurse for three bedtimes after I first said “no,” once again two weeks later, and that was the end of it. I wish you similar luck (having it be easier/less hassle than you expected).

  15. Regarding migraines… If you regularly suffer from actual migraines (as opposed to bad headaches) try an herb called “Feverfew”. I had Migraines from ages 13-25 every 3-4 months, and after taking feverfew daily for about a year (in 2 6-month chunks with one migraine between) I haven’t had a migrain since. I am a skeptic at heart, but was desperate and nothing else had worked. So I tried it, and I don’t care if it was placebo or real – I don’t get Migraines anymore.

    Sorry to hear about the surgery, hope things go uneventfully. It’s much better to catch it early.

  16. When I weaned Madame Drools Alot, I really thought that it was going to be hell. We got ourselves down to once a day, in the morning, and then all of the sudden, she was over it. I think it was the easiest weaning in history. I wish you lots of luck with your little one, and your surgery.

  17. Will he only let them have a dog if you die?

    Will they have to call the dog Mommy?

    Just kidding….all will be well. If they fixed Wayne Newton’s crazy ass just think what they can do for you!

  18. I’ll save you a plot in the thyroid graveyard. Will you have to go without talking for a few days? Get well soon.

  19. oh sorry to hear about all of it. the weaning. the umbrella in the pool. and the upcoming surgery. surgery is scary. umbrellas don’t belong in pools. and from what i’ve read on these here pages, princess peanut is not going to be an easy one to wean. i send you all the strength vibes that can make it through the winds. good luck

  20. What? Pre-CANCER cells? Good gods, Queen, I’m so sorry! I’ll be sending you positive vibes and good thoughts for both your surgery and the weaning. Please keep us posted when you can, or maybe the Kaiser could update? I’ll be thinking about you.

  21. I had to wean my son to have my thyroid taken out too! What are the odds of that?!? I hope all goes well! Let me know if there is anything I can do to help!

    A thyroid funeral? How cool! I am so sad I didn’t ask my surgeon for a photo of it because now my son keeps asking what it looked like.

  22. Queen of Spain says:

    I have given up the cabbage in favor of ice packs and frozen peas. The same frozen peas once on my husband’s vasectomy ridden nutsack.

    Can I die from engorgement? Because I think I may die.

  23. I still remember how awful it was weaning–but funnily only for my first one–the other’s weren’t so bad.
    Good luck with your op.

  24. Check this out…I hope your daughter doesn’t get this desperate…http://www.omwo.com/?p=12847

  25. Best of luck for your operation and for a speedy recovery. =)
    (here via Blog Explosion)

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  27. Sorry about your situation! I’m also weaning due to cancer, breast in this case. My son is 20 months and he last nursed Wed before bed. He is doing ok, but he’s fighting it tonight which has us both in tears. I finally asked him if he was hungry and he said yes, so dh is feeding him a snack. I hope it helps.

    Fortunately, I’m not having any engorgement. I gradually started weaning him a few weeks ago when I was first diagnosed and so far so good. Are you pumping or expressing for comfort? It won’t cause you to make more milk. Expressing is sometimes easiest in the shower. You might try capsules of sage – it’s said to help dry up milk.

    Good luck with weaning and with your upcoming surgery. My next surgery is this Friday. I pray we both have a swift recovery.


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