The Post I Don’t Want to Write

My first born.

My baby boy.

My little guy.

I’ve been avoiding discussing the big ‘K’ for as long as possible-but there is no more avoiding it…

Count Waffles the Terrible starts Kindergarten in August and I’m a disaster.

He’s excited as hell.

I’m a gawddamn disaster.

I should have been tipped off by the amount of paperwork involved in just enrolling him for public school. I now refer to it as the ‘kindergarten packet of DOOM’ because really-it was insane.

Then came the orientations and the ‘is your child ready?’ discussions. The assessment of his skills by a teacher. The walk-through of the class. Then the ‘buddy’ day where our little guy was partnered with a current kindergartner and went through ‘class’ for an hour.

This is where I got to sit in the back and see what was ahead. Excitement, frustration, the hierarchy of peers-it was enough to make me puke in my mouth a little.

Not to mention the totally primped and dolled up ‘Muffia’ mothers in the class, sitting next to me as I watched and they chatted so loud they nearly drowned out the teacher.

‘No, Trust me Kathy you want Mrs. J. She’s the only teacher worth having.’
‘But I heard her husband has been seeing his secretary.’
‘And don’t forget if you sign him up for the karate class AND the gym class next door they will transfer the kids and you can stay for the manicure AND pedicure.’

Yup, I get to make ‘friends’ with those bitches so I can make sure my kids are not shunned via PTA ‘your mom didn’t do xyz’ stigma.

My son took it all in stride while I totally panicked. I’m worried I am going to forget to put his name on something. That I haven’t forced him to write his name enough. That I’ll pack him the wrong kind of lunch.


Just as I had gotten us home from ‘buddy’ day and attempted to decompress, I heard screams from downstairs.

Blood. Confusion.

A baby tooth in a tiny 5-year old hand.


The tooth fairy paid her first visit as I sent in yet MORE forms to the new school.

Time marches on.

If I could get out of this parental ‘where did the time go’ fog, I might get myself together in time to sign up for more PTA stuff. Bake sale? Maybe a fund raiser? hmmm… do they have a ‘totally freaked out new parent who has no clue how to navigate all this who wants to make sure she does the right thing’ position? Yeah, I’ll take that one.


  1. Now that my daughter HAS teeth I’m constantly terrified that she’s going to knock one out during her stumbly, Frankenstein shuffle across the living room.

    I guess that window closes in a few years, when I’ll be hoping they all fall out and she can start with new ones that aren’t destroyed by poor parental care of her chompers.

  2. Adam has cavities but NOO loose teeth.

    Yah..I was excited about k FOR Adam..but hated reading the dizzying amount of stuff I was supposed to remember.

    I have not attended ONE PTA/PAC meeting yet.

    I have not volunteered for ONE thing yet.

    I have barely shown up for the reading with your kid mornings they do because he cries so much when I leave that it just isn’t worth it.

    Now Sept…grade one…FULL day…whoo heee!!

  3. Wow, it seems like I wrote that post two years ago. Time sure flies. My daughter is now exiting the 1st grade, and I’ve got a shitload more gray hair to show for it. With a girl, I had the added benefit of worrying about clothes-horse little Lolita’s poking fun at my daughter for her Old Navy/Target closet. She’s the youngest in her class to boot, and a bit more immature than the rest, and this only added to my F*E*A*R*S. I’d like to tell you that it will get better, Mamma, but it only gets different.

    You will never cry so hard as when your first-born gets on that Kindergarten bus. Or your youngest baby does the same thing…

  4. OK, this makes me feel a little better in avoiding this stuff. I’m too high strung, I’d pop something dealing with the paperwork and the PTA moms. LOL

  5. Oh, and as far as the moms… Most of parents in my kid’s class has shunned me (I think). It may have been the purple hair, or maybe the tie dye wife beater with sequined skull & crossbones on it. Honestly though, half the town are commercial farmers and the other half transplanted Long Islanders with fat wallets. I am neither.

  6. Wow, dejavu. I just tonight attended my FINAL PTA meeting. It is emotional on bothe ends, don’t blink, next week he’ll be graduating and going to Design School. ::sniffle::

  7. I do not miss the Mom Mafia, at all. I feel for you. It was especially hard since I have a kid with special needs, and moms didn’t want to tell me to my face that he was taking up too much time in class. But I have really good ears for cross-conversation. I can’t help it, I hear. I really hope you can find a crowd you mesh with…and if not, hey don’t worry about it.

    Something about the moms in the PTA can make you feel small, even with the most confidence in the world.

    BUT. Kindergarten is fun, and he will have a blast.

  8. Just remember, if YOU feel this way, there is at least ONE OTHER mother feeling the same way – it is just a matter of finding her or her finding you.

    It will get better – welcome to the newest leg of the journey.

  9. Total immersion is the only way- no one toe in the water! Wait until he gets a pile of homework- from kindergarten for Pete’s sake! Welcome to the world of elementary school!

  10. My youngest is starting kindergarten in August too. I am excited and worried. We recently moved here and I am hoping to be able to find some friends in the neighborhood for both of us. My oldest is going to be a senior in high school this year. My biggest worry is that my little one will be the terror of the school.

  11. My kids are 4 years apart. With my first one, I went to the PTA and didn’t fit. I sat there thinking, “It’s my kids’s education and I’m staying.” I tried to fit in and dress in pink and set up playdates, but we were just not part of the group.

    With my second son, now in first grade, I am completely myself in black concert t-shirts. I spend my time doing outreach to different families and created an amazing International Night. Our new school theme is “One School, Many Cultures, One Community”.

    This isn’t a solution for every school, but I needed to be myself to attract like-minded people. Then you never know what might happen.

  12. It’s not so bad. You’ll like the school and the teachers, but you’re right about the bitches. PTA is a bitch magnet, btdt. But, it’s a fun year. He’s ready 😉

  13. So does this mean you’re going to be busy helping him do homework that requires parental participation now?

    I’m not ready for all of that yet. Thank goodness I have a few years before we have to deal with kindergarten. Cordy has a mid-September birthday, giving us the choice to start her when she is nearly 5 or nearly 6. I think I know my choice now.

  14. I found myself sitting up straight reading your post – OH! ANOTHER MOM JUST LIKE ME!!!! My first born sone is also starting K this fall. K is way WAAAAAAY too grown up, way too close to FIRST (gasp) grade, shit – way too close to College! And then he will be gone for 5 days FULL TIME. How will he handle it??? ….What the hell am I talking about – HOW WILL I HANDLE IT! I miss him so much already. Anyway, making this about me, just wanted to say I am there by your side – GETTING IT, BIG TIME.

  15. ChiliMac says:

    I’m not in the parental possition yet, just being the best uncle I can be. None the less as I read the end or your post all I could think of is the stress that the President (any past, present or future) must go through and if that even compares to parental stress.

  16. You do NOT have to befriend the Muffia. I pay my PTO dues and that’s all they get from me. I’ve been done with high school mean girls for a long time now, I refuse to go back for the mommy version.
    Also, last night the tooth fairy forgot to come take the tooth out of Drew’s pillow, and leave the money. He checked. Then I snuck back in there while he was in the shower and did it, and told him to double check. To his surprise, the tooth fairy had come while he was in the shower! I told him maybe she just had a really busy night and was running late. God help me when they are no longer so gullible.

  17. No worries! I do know exactly how you feel though. I have shed my share of teats whist waving good-bye as the happily scamper off to the next phase in their lives. You have so many more stepping stones to go. My first started Kindergarten almost 20 years ago (talk about where does the time go?!!) but my youngest still has two more years of elementary school to go. I’m beginning to see the light at the end of the tunnel called the (duh dun duh) Empty Nest. Now, you want to talk about scary? and teary? I have been doing this long enough to know how fast time goes, so even though my youngest will be in fifth grade, I know it will only be a blink of the eye.

    My best advice to you is to go ahead and shed the tears, but do not let them cloud your vision as you watch him head off on his new adventure. Drink it in, drink it all in and savour the moment. Those are the moments you will take with you all your life and it is those stepping stones they take that help form them into the grown up that you want them to be.

    I don’t know if I have helped, but I hope there is a tasty nugget in there somewhere for you.

    Oh, and about the PTA? Join it, help when you can, but don’t take it seriously and don’t run for office. Leave that to the bitches. 😉

    (Take it from one who tried — twice — to bust the bitch ceiling.)

  18. Well…All I can say is I’m feelin’ ya. My little guy (our one-and-only) starts the big “K” in September. And I’m just so not ready for it.

    Wasn’t it just yesterday that I was holding this tiny person, worrying about whether or not he’d burp? Seriously, where does the time go, and how can we slow it down?!?

  19. Maybe I can slip my little girl an iPhone and talk to her via Twitter while she’s in Kindergarten.

  20. I just got the packet today. Kindergarten. Dang. No loose teeth yet, though.

    In my kindergarten packet is a questionnaire obviously designed to reveal whether or not we are clandestine illegal immigrants (bunch of questions about whether the child’s parents have ever worked in various farming industries, or moved around w/the seasons). You get that?

  21. They say there is NOTHING meaner than a teenage girl. “They” haven’t been in Mommy groups. Hell honey, you can outtalk ’em, outblog ’em, and outthink most of ’em. Kick some ass!

  22. My daughter starts kindergarten this August as well. She is my 3rd and last going through this. My advice about PTA related nonsense? When word goes out that they need muffins for this and volunteers to staple those to that wall? Do it every once in a while and you’re in. Without having to “become friends”.

  23. Mark 'Rizzn' Hopkins says:

    I echo Tootsie Farklepants. My oldest just completed kindergarden this year.

    Given that I do my Mashable work from home, I don’t have an office to escape to when my wife insists that I come along to all the PTA and school events.

    I found that though the year rushes by quickly, once the paperwork is done, it’s mostly painless. I went to two official PTA events where I signed up for all the things I’d participate in during the year, and then forgot why I paid my $12 to join the darn organization.

  24. Wahoo! I hear you. I do. It’s a little easier for us since Sweet Pea’s at Montessori and next year she will be in the same classroom, same time, same teachers, some of the same kids for kindergarten. But the year after that… I’m looking at the public schools and freaking out FOR her a year in advance about how big they are. And remembering the boys pulling up my skirts on the play ground (thank goodness all Sweet Pea’s skirts are skorts) and kids being mean. Oh, my heart aches in advance.

    And, um, where is Count Waffles’ hair? Did I miss something?

Speak Your Mind