I’ve realized that heading to the hospital for ANYTHING causes a trigger reaction in me.

I’m headed there now for a very normal, very routine colonoscopy and I’m terrified. I’m terrified they are going to admit me and make me stay. I’m terrified they will find out that Lupus is doing something ELSE to screw with my life. I am terrified the kids are scared, that my husband is scared, and that everyone has to deal with me in the hospital, at the hospital, or anywhere NEAR the damn hospital.

I have not been admitted since my TIA this past summer and that set us all back mentally around here for a good long while. In fact, I’m still not sure we’ve recovered. It’s too scary. it’s too hard. And it reminds everyone in this house of just how many organs I have lost, how many surgeries and procedures I have had, and how horrible this entire Lupus journey has been.

I want this to be over. And while I realize there is no cure for Lupus, I also know some people have a handle on their disease and live a very normal life. I want that to be me. I want that for my family so badly that I’m up at 5am crying and trying to pull myself together for their sake.

It makes me sick to my stomach what I put them through. Sick.

I know what you all are going to say so please, it’s ok. I would do all of this in a heartbeat for them. I wouldn’t even THINK about doing it and I’d be right there next to Aaron if it were him and of course next to either of the kids, advocating on their behalf and holding their hands. But I don’t want anyone to HAVE to do this for me. That’s just how I am. Believe me, I’ve tried to change over the course of all of this…and while I have gotten better at accepting it all, I SITLL HATE IT.

I’m the Mom. I’m supposed to take care of them. That is my job. And yes, Aaron takes care of me like any loving husband who kicks ass would…but he’s been doing it for SO LONG and the kids have had to deal with this for SO LONG. Too long. Way too long. It’s NOT FAIR to them. It’s just not.

I’ve had trouble putting into words this week’s passing of my friend Susan, otherwise known in the blogging world as WhyMommy. She was an inspiration for one of my first BlogHer projects way back in the day: BlogHer in Second Life. She, well…her avatar, came to the virtual conference because she was undergoing chemo at the time and could not attend the real thing. And I can’t take my mind off her husband and two boys and how hard and awful this all is for them. No one should have to lose their wife, their mother, their friend.

And I think about all the years that have passed where Susan fought so hard and even worked (she was an astrophysicist how awesome is that?) and kept up with life while cancer was attacking. She was a wonderwoman. And my bitching about some small procedure seems so insignificant in light of recent events.

But she would talk to me about understanding how I felt. She was one of the few people with whom I would commiserate about being ‘sick’ while trying to raise a family and live a normal life. Just a few weeks ago she reminded me that I was strong, and brave, and that my children and my husband love me unconditionally -even if that meant I was stuck in bed and even if that meant I couldn’t do it all. As she put it ‘they are happy to just have you THERE, Erin. They love you.’

I wish she were here now to tell me those words again. Because I need my friend this morning. It’s so selfish of me, but I need her. She understood. And I would tell her she is so much more brave than I am (she was) and she is so much more graceful in her fight (she was) and that I wish I had her attitude. And she would tell me she has bad days too and then she would send me something awesome to show the kids that usually involved space or the planets and we’d laugh and just…do what friends do.

Her absence this morning is like a kick in the gut. 

In honor of Susan I’m going to attempt grace today. I say attempt, because Susan is smiling down on me laughing, knowing I will end up telling Lupus to #suckit rather ungracefully. But for her, I will try.

Grace is something I need more of anyway, so it can’t hurt. And when I think of Susan, I think of grace personified.

I’m also going to concentrate on these photos, because they make me smile HUGE:

Soul healing

Future President Jackson Vest


…and this one, which will forever remind me of Susan and how even VIRTUALLY she could rock bald in a ball gown like no other.

BlogHer 07: WhyMommy Babii


Senator Clinton: Embrace your inner EMO

The New York Times thinks Senator Hillary Clinton’s college letters to a friend are FRONT PAGE worthy. That is sooooooooo June 2007.

Way back in June, I was flipping through my old diaries and journals. I voluntarily chose an entry, stood in front of an audience in Los Angeles, and read aloud portions of my youth.

It hurt.
It was cringe inducing.
It was more than embarrassing, and that’s the point.

We laughed until our sides hurt at who we were and the things we wrote with such passion decades ago. It’s called LA Angst, and Senator Clinton, I invite you to join us.

The Sunday Times article quotes Clinton letters to friend John Peavoy and they would be LA Angst GOLD. Exactly the kind of thing we read up on stage while choking back howls of laughter and snorts.

“Can you be a misanthrope and still love or enjoy some individuals?” Ms. Rodham wrote in an April 1967 letter. “How about a compassionate misanthrope?”

If she’s got some forlorn, angst-ridden poetry to go with it, we would put her in the headlining spot. The more Emo, the better.

Why the Times finds this front page material is beyond me. Were they expecting to drop a bombshell by revealing she was a woman who wrote down her *gasp* feelings and *shock* thoughts? Ooooooh, that’s right, this is all part of that mainstream media conspiracy to put Hillary in office, to show her as more down to earth. (sarcasm)

Down to earth would be joining us on stage to read and spending time talking to us. Down to earth would be showing up and laughing with us. Down to earth would be the time and effort I watched Elizabeth Edwards take with a gathering of women in Chicago this past weekend.

After a keynote speech for the BlogHer ’07 conference, Elizabeth Edwards joined us at our cocktail party where she spent HOURS hugging, talking, and just hanging out. She was gracious, she was charming, and she was available. She took the time to talk to every. single. woman. Answer every. single. question, and she did it without a team of advisers looming over her shoulder. She spoke candidly to some and whispered in the ears of others. Elizabeth (as she insisted we call her) then offered to take more questions via the BlogHer site and offered up her personal email address to those of us who needed privacy to get the courage to speak to her.

The Clinton camp wouldn’t even comment on the Peavoy letters.

So we’ve got Barack Obama taking dinners with “Average” supporters and the wife of John Edwards spending hours in an informal atmosphere chatting with others.

The Clinton camp had no comment on the Peavoy letters.

With all due respect Senator Clinton, and with my dream of seeing a woman in the White House *this* close, you need to join us for the next LA Angst. Laugh with us.
Chat with us.
Be one of us.
I’ll even buy the first round.

crossposted at The Huffington Post

It’s TRUE, what they say…

I am no where near due for my period, but hanging with 800 women will get you bleeding way off schedule.

I’m sitting at the airport in Chicago (menstrual) and trying to wrap my head around seeing all these lovely female bloggers, all in one place, all being smart and witty and funny and total dorks.

Elizabeth Edwards (wife of presidential candidate John-yeah, that one) took to the stage for her keynote speech with Lisa Stone and then graciously joined us at our cocktail party. The woman hung out with us bloghers all night. She met everyone and answered questions about anything and literally was one of us. Not sure if I’m voting for her husband…but wow, she impressed the hell out of me, and I’m not easy to impress.

Apparently we’re super cool, because as I was leaving (more like stumbling) out of the party I ran into LeahPeah who was going to an after party with Chloe Dao from Project Runway. Yeah, so Elizabeth Edwards and Chloe from Project Runway just kinda hung out with us bloghers alllll night.  I’m not kidding.

I got to hold this new blogher and I got to HUG this one and I got to laugh like a big DORK with this one, oh, and did I mention eat a large pile of MEAT because of HER? We were meat drunk. This blogher gave me a crown (I KNOW) and this one passed me a condom lollipop and this one is just a nice as you think.

Hung over this morning I held the red stapler and hugged this one good bye and told this one we might bring the kids to DC soon. Did this one tell you yet about how her luggage was lost? Or this one her ID (no comment, I did it at blogher business in NYC) or how this one and this one went on a boat ride and watch some guy’s big ears flap in the wind???

Yeah, so I’m might have to go change my tampon before I get on this flight…but it was worth it.

BlogHer ’07 Keynote Elizabeth Edwards LIVE in Second Life

Elizabeth Edwards live in BLogHer in SL