In high school I was held down by a group of boys against my will.

Much like the story being told about Mitt Romney, my high school days included an incident where a group of young men ‘played a prank’ ‘had some fun’ ‘joked around’ ‘acted like boys’ ‘bullied someone different’ ‘tackled’ ‘pinned to the ground’ ‘forcibly restrained me.’

Much like the story being told about Romney and his group of friends, I lived in a suburb of Detroit, near the prestigious Cranbrook school Romney attended. While he and his buddies held down another student and cut off the hair they decided they didn’t like, I was held down by a group of boys who pulled down my top, exposing my breasts.

I’d say that roughly the same number of boys were involved. I’d say 75% of them have, over the years, apologized. Except the ring leader- who to this day remains a total asshole.

I do not think any of us are who we were in high school. We grow. We change. We evolve into adults that are hopefully more mature and wise and educated. However we do have certain traits that remain, even if we’ve tried to shake them. Sure we’re a hell of a lot different, but we certainly have a core that has stayed consistent.

In Dreams From My Father President Obama writes of a bullying incident he too was involved in where he was teased along with the only other student of color at his school. He denied to the other students she was his girlfriend:

I was haunted by the look on Coretta’s face just before she had started to run: her disappointment, and the accusation. I wanted to explain to her somehow that it had been nothing personal; I’d just never had a girlfriend before and saw no particular need to have one now. But I didn’t even know if that was true. I knew only that it was too late for explanations, that somehow I’d been tested and found wanting; and whenever I snuck a glance at Coretta’s desk, I would see her with her head bent over her work, appearing as if nothing had happened, pulled into herself and asking no favors.

My act of betrayal bought me some room from the other children, and like Coretta, I was mostly left alone.

Romney, on the other hand, claims to not even remember the incident of cutting another student’s hair after his gang of friends allegedly held the boy down.

Now the point here isn’t to compare the character of each candidate (or anyone for that matter) solely on how they behaved in their youth. That would be absurd. But there is a certain wondering one must do when one man can write so eloquently about an incident in which you can feel his pain for having ‘betrayed’ (the President’s word) another student and another man who can’t even seem to recall what, by all accounts, seemed to be one really dickish move by a spoiled rich kid ala some John Hughes movie in which I fully expect Molly Ringwald to report Romney (played by James Spader, of course) to the principal.

I’m disturbed that Romney does not remember. I really am. Either he did things like this so often they didn’t even register in his memory or he found it to be such a ‘non’ issue he had no reason to remember. Or he does remember and can’t bring himself to discuss it and actually tell the world this sort of behavior has no place in our society. Or…or…. I don’t know. I just know his reaction to this has been bizarre, at the least.

I certainly remember being held down by that group of boys. All them, to this day, remember holding me down. It seems all of Romney’s gang remembers holding down their victim as well. All except Mitt.

Again, this isn’t something that defines a presidential campaign, should be brought up in debates (unless, of course they discuss the issue of bullying and suicide and teens- then please, by all means) or should overshadow the economy, jobs, foreign policy, wars, etc. But it sure does seem to paint a picture for me.

It paints a picture for me as a girl who was held down by a group of asshole boys who thought they could do what they wanted and get away with whatever they wanted. Just like in the alleged Romney incident, I was told I was asking for it. Or that I liked it. Or that somehow in the warped minds of those trying to justify their actions it was my fault for wearing that bikini top, just like it was John Lauber’s fault for wearing his hair different than the rest of the kids.

Bullies do that. They victim blame.

I certainly hope Romney has changed since his youth and doesn’t find what the Washington Post calls ‘pranks’ as funny anymore. As the President wrote in his book, he had been tested and found wanting…if only Romney seemed to show the public he too failed. Not just apologized for youthful indiscretions, but found wanting.

For those of us held down. For those of us on the floor with the faces of young men looking down on us with laughter and evil in their eyes, we not only expect you remember, but that you felt tested and now and forever found wanting.

Even the seven-year old knows where to stand on gay marriage. Note Bo’s hair color:

Profoundly sad that North Carolina voters felt the need to discriminate against those not like them. But know this…we will continue to fight. We will achieve equality for all Americans. Even my children know what is right and good and they will carry the torch for me and others long after we’re gone. This is far from over.

I’m haunted by an image I saw this week when I opened my Facebook feed.

Haunted.

I was introduced to Inger Knudson-Judd and Philippa Knudson-Judd through my friend Lucretia several months ago as they fought to stay together.

Think about that for just a second and let it sink in.

As they fought to stay together. 

You see, our country, being very Christian-based and puritanical in its views on many things, has an issue with same-sex marriage.

Despite Inger and Philippa being legally married in Iowa, the Defence of Marriage Act, aka DOMA, means the Federal Government does not have to recognize their marriage because Philippa is not a US citizen. So in Iowa they are married, sort of…cross a state line and they aren’t, sort of- heck, even in Iowa it’s unclear thanks to DOMA. United States, my ass.

So what you see above is a family, again, being torn apart as they are forced to leave each other. They have had to leave each other over and over again as immigration separates them time and time again.

And it’s not just the two of them who feel the heartache and pain. Their 12-year old daughter suffers.

I dare you to try to ignore the pain on their faces. They had spent five weeks together and were saying goodbye, again, painfully again, as this photo was taken. No one wants to leave for the airport, but imagine leaving your spouse and not knowing when you’d get to hold her again.

It is times like this I am ASHAMED of my country. Maybe now some of you will understand a bit about what the First Lady meant. But then again, if you didn’t understand what she meant you are probably not in a minority group, or had your family torn into shreds because white, Christian, men in DC deemed it so.

So you will have to forgive me as I get very angry when the likes of Republican candidates speak of DOMA and DADT…all these strange lettered words that seem inhuman yet are nothing more than inhumane. As I remain proud of our President that has stood up to HALF of this country, of whom he desperately needs votes from, and told them he has come a long way on this issue and will continue to fight for what is RIGHT, not what his religion, or any other tells him. He’s had to search his own heart, as so many of a certain time, a certain generation, or of certain backgrounds must.

Because this photo is just one of millions that should haunt you as it haunts me.

There isn’t a day that goes by where I wonder what I would do if I did not have my loving partner in life near. Even now, as we have gone through our own hell, I’m glad to have had him by my side to go through it with…not thousands of miles away, torn from my side when I needed him most.

Yet, in this country, some people hide behind the ‘love’ of their ‘God’ to inflict this unspeakable pain on families. They hide behind their definition of family, not caring what that means for their neighbors, their friends, even members of their own family.

I don’t want to open my Facebook feed and be haunted again by a family being torn apart by politics or religion or bigotry or evil. There is no excuse for what your belief has done here. None. I say that with a clear conscience because my beliefs take away NOTHING from you- they CERTAINLY do not rip you from the arms of your spouse or your CHILD.

There are now legal battles to be fought, some against the current administration. Luckily they are working their best to get through this election and out the other side so they can continue their good faith efforts (like DADT) in making GOOD on the President’s journey on this issue. I want to see it in action, and given some major steps in his first term, I have every confidence we will see more in his second. Understandably, others want it faster. I can not fault them for this at all. And I lend my voice to theirs in demanding promises be kept.

But the thought of a Republican in the Oval office makes me weep for families like Inger and Phillipa. While my family would suffer as well, I can’t imagine what others would go through. At the very least, I would still have my spouse by my side.

Spare me your opposition to same-sex marriage and why you think you are right. Because all I need is this one photo to show you just how horribly, horribly wrong you are. I can not think of a single justification for tearing a family apart and causing this much hurt, this much pain, this much suffering…ever. And so help me if you really do, still, believe same-sex marriage is wrong…may this photo haunt you a thousand fold what it has haunted me, and may it remind you every single day what your beliefs have done to innocent Americans.

I’ve had treatment the past two weeks and have largely not had the energy to fight this RIDICULOUS ‘Mommy Wars’ battle going on with the Hilary Rosen/Ann Romney remarks.

Oh I’ve had plenty to say, believe me…but when you’ve had an iv in your arm for a few days AND you have to fight with your disability company (wait, they are not my disability company YET…they simply took money out of my paycheck for years…but now that I need them we shall see if they are TRULY my disability company) AND raise two children while your husband works long hours…the absolute STUPIDITY on tv and radio has to wait.

But now that I’ve had some time to rest and the kids are off for the weekend and my husband is home, let me jump into the deep end: Ann Romney’s husband’s record on ‘women’s issues’ SUCKS and I have been a stay at home Mom AND a work out of the home Mom. Hilary Rosen has a very valid point when she questions if the Romney’s understand the average family:

Now let’s be clear on one thing. I have no judgements about women who work outside the home vs. women who work in the home raising a family. I admire women who can stay home and raise their kids full-time. I even envy them sometimes. It is a wonderful luxury to have the choice. But let’s stipulate that it is NOT a choice that most women have in America today.

Why does this even matter? It matters purely because Mitt Romney put the issue of his wife’s views squarely on the table.

You caught that, right? This is NOT a choice that most women have in America today. And she is RIGHT. I’m fighting like all hell for my disability because we NEED MY PAYCHECK. I do not have the luxury of being a stay at home mom right now, like I did when my son was first-born. And what of the women who do choose to work because they WANT to? The right attacked them as well:

What Hilary Rosen has exposed is a psychological fault line that separates those women who simply oppose unfair gender-based barriers in education or employment or elsewhere from other women who actually despise and disrespect those females who choose to be full-time wives and mothers, instead of entering the workforce.

These “anti-gender” women have it in for anyone who embraces her femininity, maternal instincts and capacity to nurture as their highest priority — postponing or passing up other laudable opportunities to work at, say, a law firm or as a marketing executive.  They despise the notion that some women may indeed be drawn — instinctively and happily — toward creating special and loving environments in which to raise their children, while spending all their available time sustaining and enriching those environments and those children.

Apparently Dr. Asshat, I mean Dr. Ablow, doesn’t realize that Rosen, and myself, were both stay at home moms at one point. And that we both aspired to raise our children and climb the corporate ladder. Something our male counterparts do daily yet no one blinks an eye. We do not DESPISE women who are drawn to be mothers full-time. WE HAVE STAYED HOME TOO, BY CHOICE.

Why is it when Rick Santorum suspends his campaign to actually be a father, the press fawns all over him as though no man has ever put his career before fatherhood before? Why is it that no one has asked Mitt Romney or Barack Obama why they didn’t choose to stay at home and raise their children instead of running for office and spending so much time away from their families?

And why is it that the same side exploding to defend Ann Romney didn’t say a word when Sarah Palin or Michelle Bachmann made the opposite choice, and chose work over being that Mom who stays home?

I’ll tell you why…because it’s just fine for conservative women to discover feminism and all the wonders it has given them, but a progressive woman is totally not allowed to discuss this on national tv- let alone live it- hence the holier than thou Right shall smite her down to where she belongs! Which is, apparently, the kitchen or starching Mitt’s really stiff looking shirts. Apparently only conservative women can be trusted to make the choice to work or stay home to raise kids, because only they are smart enough (guided by their husbands and God) to choose wisely. We feminists can’t be trusted with such a big choice, because heaven forbid we actually aspire to do something amazing like cure a disease or follow our dreams, and that might mean we don’t have kids or, even worse, we don’t get married.

Yup, those conservatives can’t possibly trust us smart women to do anything without a man…why, that might lead to the downfall of society! Or worse, them having to make their own damn sandwich.

Frankly the Right has a helluva lot of nerve to attack Rosen’s comments when they are waging an all out war on women and attempting to turn us all into Mrs. Romney. And please, spare me the ‘there is no real war on women’ crap because we females have been allowed to attend school and learn now for some time and we’re capable of calling bullshit when we see it.

We’re also capable of THANKING the feminists who came before us, giving us the CHOICE to be whatever we want to be- from a mother to a scientist to an elected official.

Maybe that is something conservative women should try, instead of fighting us. THANK your feminist sisters. Thank them for allowing you to take that job outside the home when your husband gets laid off. Thank them for allowing you to pick up that part-time job while you home school your kids.Thank them for helping to push through legislation that will get them equal pay for equal work, and legislation that will support their needs while they attempt to juggle parenthood and having a career. And when you are done thanking them, take a step back and realize how different they all are.

Some are choosing to have children later in life, so they can see their dreams of becoming a teacher or farmer or doctor realized first. Others are choosing to have children as they attend school, and then go after their dream career while their partner stays home to raise the kids. And still others are choosing to remain childfree, instead focusing their lives on the many other things they have dreamt of forever.

Hilary Rosen and I have both been raising our children and working in politics, huh…sounds rather similar to Ann Romney who is on my tv right now, stumping for her husband.

Imagine that.

I wonder if she has thanked a feminist?