Wet, braless, and stupid

I forgot my breast pads last night (and there goes any hope of male readers I might have had) and I’m soaked this morning. When I had my son, the Count, I spent many months wondering why no one ever invented better breast pads and a water (milk) proof nightgown. Wait. Screw nightgown, PJ’s with pants. Anyway, I’ve got that stale milk sexy smell going this morning, complete with those stains that say “we’re stains. we’re by your boobs. we have no real color, just sort of rings around your nipples” and I hear “knock knock knock” on my BACK sliding glass door. ( I called it a “sliding glass door” strictly for the Kaiser. Normally I would say “door wall” and he hates that)

Its my gardener. And I’m pretty sure he hates me. He’s muttering something about me not turning off my sprinklers on Thursday mornings like he asked and now his feet are wet and lady why can’t you just follow simple instructions like I asked you weeks ago because I see you every Thursday morning and all you are doing is slicing oranges and putting a straw in a sippable yogurt for that kid not really making him breakfast while he watches cartoons and you paint your nails and drink coffee. To be fair, he’s really very sweet. I just can’t help but GUESS that’s what he’s thinking. Anyway I explain to him that I thought he only wanted me to turn off the sprinklers that ONE time, not every week. He politely says, no, every week, and goes about his work. Its then I notice that the reason I forgot my breast pads last night is because I had no bra on. And I stand there for a few minutes, wondering if I should actually go back outside (braless) and talk to my gardener MORE to prove to him I’m really not a complete moron/spoiled suburban housewife and I do appreciate the job he does for me and can I get you some of my freshly made starbucks coffee and offer to put your shoes in my dryer or something because I really want you to think I’m nice. Realizing that would not help my cause at all, I just smiled and waved and sat with the Count while he watched him mow. Ug.