Smoke, shots, suckers…just plain suck

That’s what it looks like in my house right now. That’s not sunset. That’s red/gray, crazy, smoke covered sky with some tiny bits of sunlight creeping in here and there. And its totally appropriate for the way the day has gone.

The Princess had a great check up. 17lbs. 75% on everything but her head-which has always been tiny. Oh, had I of had a vaginal delivery, it might have actually been ok. But anyway. I made an executive decision while at the pediatrician to get ALL of us flu shots. Its early in the season. No one is thinking about them yet, so they are in full supply. I won’t have to wait in line later, etc. etc. What I didn’t calculate was the holding of the baby while the toddler got stuck and the mother got stuck and the baby was mad from being poked at and undressed. What with the flailing of the arms and the screaming and the sticky, sticky suckers and the bandaids that MUST be spiderman and NOT daffy duck…and did I mention the screaming and the flailing and the lavin? Hhrrrrmph. Ok, poor planning. I didn’t bring in the carseat. Its so much easier to deal with the Count without lugging that thing around. I also didn’t bring any bribes for the Count, or prepare him for the fact he’d be getting a shot.

With my not-so-cat-like reflexes I commandeered the doctor’s lollipop/sticker bin and explained to the toddler that while he was told many times today’s visit was for his sister…as it turns out Mommy lied and he’ll be getting an owie too.

Oh the hilarity that ensued.

I got the shot first. See how easy it is? Mommy can do it. You can do it too big boy! Last year, I remember it not even remotely hurting. Must have been the pregnancy. Because this year, it hurt like a mutherfucker. That deep shot hurt. But I gotta keep a brave face. Because the Count is watching. Closely. Now while I’m getting stuck, the Princess has fallen asleep. Randomly. In my lap. So I nicely and in a near begging tone ask if someone, anyone, can hold HRH the Princess while I calmly hold her brother while he gets stuck. A very nice woman from the Peds office was more than happy to take the sleeping, gorgeous child out of my arms and PARADE her around that place (picking up every sick kids’ germ, no doubt) to show her off. I’ll take it as a compliment the woman who see kids ALL DAY LONG wants to show off my pretty little girl…but come on. IN THE SICK KID SECTION? Sorry, I’m digressing here.

I hold the Count and tell him its time for his owie. He watched me. I took it fine, he figures. So he sits all nice. Then the nurse says…umm…lets move him to the table and lay him down. I want to give it to him in his thigh instead. Oh sweet Jesus. You want to lay him down and restrain him??? Now we’re in full blown crisis mode. Count Waffles KNOWS whats up and has begun channeling Satan. I lie more and tell him it will tickle, hand him a sucker, and hold him like I’ve never held anyone before. He gets stuck. He whimpers for a long, long time. I’ve betrayed him.

Now its time to wake the Peanut and stick her. The joy. First we have to TRACK DOWN the lady who TOOK her, then we have to lay her on the table. She’s still asleep. Ok. So do we wake her with the stick of the needle or do we just wake her? But see, I can’t be in two places at once and the Count is screaming for me to hold him, but I really can’t leave the Princess as she gets stuck. So I lift the Count on one hip (jesus my arm hurts from that shot), hold down the Princess with my free arm, jostle her a little to wake her. And then she gets THREE shots. This pleases Count Waffles, who happily jumps off my hip to run around.

We return home with Happy Meals and lollipops. Then the fun really starts. A new wildfire breaks out about 10 miles from us. Not close enough to worry us, but close enough to send smoke and ashes our way. Then the Princess starts pooping. SOUR DIARRHEA SICK POOP. And the Count starts whining. He’s hot. Fever hot. My arm hurts like a sonofabitch and if they are feeling half of what I’m feeling we’re in for a long, long day. What the hell was I thinking?