Dr. Queen…paging Dr. Queen…

Have I mentioned I know everything there is to know about everything? (somewhere my husband is saying “duh” and rolling his eyes) We really need to have WebMD and anything medically related taken off the internet. Because after exactly 6 minutes of web surfing
I’ve diagnosed myself with thyroid cancer and I’ll be performing surgery tomorrow.

It starts innocently enough. You want to check out if your baby’s rash is something you should wake up your pediatrician for at 3am, or you need to know if your toddler’s head wound requires an ER visit or a simple ice pack. And then you go for the hard stuff: reading medical journals and studies into the wee hours because you are convinced that despite years of medical school, you can learn more than your doctor in one, manic sit-down at the computer.

I have a thyroid nodule. I was diagnosed when I got pregnant with the Princess. Many tests were done and I was told it was benign. Whew. I admit I showed up at doctor’s appointments with printed webpages. I told myself I was being an informed patient. Although I’m fairly sure the chief of Head and Neck Surgery at UCLA would change informed patient to colossal pain in the ass.

A few weeks ago I got a phone call that my nodule had changed. So I did what any sane person does. I hopped on the good old internet. I came across tons of info. My favorite being the happy sites that gave me graphics like this one on the right—————–

And then I got to the Chief Justice William Rehnquist stories. You know he’s dead, right? And it all went downhill from there.

So instead of me being, oh, I don’t know, sane and responsible, I think it would just be easier if we got rid of any medical related type websites. Then I won’t be running to the Kaiser out of breathe swearing on my internet medical degree that I am dying, the Princess has small pox, and the Count has fluid on the brain. Agreed????????????

I get a second round of needles in the neck on Wednesday. So I guess I’ll hold off on my home surgery until those allegedly qualified people look at the results. Damn professionals…think they know everything…


  1. Sarah and I once held a funeral for a friend’s dead thyroid. I think we were in the 5th grade and surrounded by fellow girl scouts and feeling quite satirical for a bunch of 10-year-olds. Let us know if our services could be of any use for your thyroid.

  2. That is beyond hilarious. And I’m totally calling you guys in if they take this sucker out. I’ll start saving for your plane tickets now. I’m serious.

  3. Ah yes, when people ask me who my primary care manager is (because you know the Air Force can’t just call them DOCTORS) I always say Doctor Google 🙂 Who needs doctors when we have a plethora of internet pages at our beck and call!!

  4. Oh I could have written this about most medical ailments my family faces. Too funny!

    I hope that you get what you need–even if you have to do it all yourself.

  5. I actually have the best doctor in the nation on this. So I really have no reason to complain, look up stuff, or otherwise worry. Crazy, huh?

  6. WebMD is responsible for my meeting the Hubster so what’s not to like?

    Good luck on the tests, I’m rooting for you.

    Have I mentioned yet that you appear to be sucking the life force from that child’s head in the pic?

    Probably just me. 😉

  7. “I told myself I was being an informed patient. Although I’m fairly sure the chief of Head and Neck Surgery at UCLA would change informed patient to colossal pain in the ass.”

    Umm… you’re right. 😉

    Good luck w/your tests.. I know that you’re worried. ((hug))

  8. Angel—that child has such a large life force I couldn’t possibly suck it all out. I can’t even suck enough for a decent nap.

    Laurie—you know you love patients that come in self-diagnosed! I knew you’d appreciate that post.

  9. I was having minor heart problems. I looked up all of the symptoms and it told me I immediately needed to go to the ER as I was having a heart attack. Turns out all my problems were related to stress. LOL… probably from reading the internet.

  10. OMG-I totally feel your pain w/the thyroid nodules, I have 9 nodules or was it 7? Either way, I went thru the needle biopsy too. Scary especially since the doctor kept dropping the instuments!!
    I hope everything comes back non-cancerous with yours, as mine did.

    By the way, Gigglechick sent me, I love your blog. 🙂

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