My good friend Sarah and her Goon Squad are packing up and leaving the sun for the snow. So she’s been on my mind a lot lately. And honestly, I’m giggling a lot.
You see, long ago-before our boyfriends became our husbands, before the Goon Squad, before Count Waffles the Terrible, before Princess Peanut, before we became Wives and Moms…we hung out a lot and drank a lot. Good times were had. Good times. Good times.
And because I’ve been thinking of Sarah a lot lately, and because I’ve also been thinking about getting off my ass and exercising lately…I can’t help but think of the time we, obviously drunk, signed up for a women’s only yoga retreat. I’m giggling as I type this. I’m not kidding.
It started innocently enough. I saw a sign, posted God-only-knows where…probably a lamppost…advertising a women’s yoga, daylong retreat. They made it sound all Ya Ya bonding and fun. Get in touch with your femininity. Bring your girlfriends and enjoy a day of relaxing yoga and sisterhood. Well shit! Sign me up! And I’ll drag Sarah.
I’ll never know how I talked Sarah into going. I must have showed her the flier. And I’m pretty sure she was wasted when I asked her and made the arrangements. So off we went, having no clue what we were in for.
Ever have one of those moments of uncontrollable girl giggle fits of laughter??? Ever have to hold it in. And I mean…hold it in because you have to or there will be dire consequences????
Really most of the day is a blur. And bear in mind this had to be almost 8-9 years ago. But I remember it being someone’s house…not a place of business. And when we got there you had no idea anything might be a little…umm…off.
Don’t drink the purple kool-aid.
A very yogi type woman (head scarf and all) led the class. And instead of really doing some good, stretch your butt yoga, she talked. She talked a lot. She talked mostly about yogurt.
Did you know you could bathe in yogurt?
…Make a facemask?
I’m sorry. Did that woman just tell me to douche with yogurt? Really? Ok…don’t look at Sarah. DO NOT make eye contact with Sarah. Must hold in giggle. MUST hold in giggle.
Oh my god. She is NOT simulating how to insert the yogurt. MUST NOT look at Sarah. Compose yourself. Compose yourself. giggle. giggle. COMPOSE yourself.
Whew. Ok. First giggle fit controlled.
Then, finally, after what seemed to be hours of discussing our periods and how to douche with yogurt… The actual yoga. Horray!
Now, since this little “class” I’ve taken many, many yoga classes. And at the end you usually lie on your back and relax. Eventually we were on our backs. Relaxing.
We lay there. And lay there. And lay there. And lay there. And lay there.
…And then some music started.
Ok, Loreena McKennitt. I can handle this. Seems like good yoga relax music.
Then came the 1970′s “I’d like to teach the world to sing” music. And it just kept coming. A good 30 minutes has gone by and we’re all still just laying around on our backs, listening to really, really shitty music.
I start to giggle. I can’t help myself. The more horrible the music gets, the harder it is to just lie there and control the hilarity of it all.
I finally glance over at Sarah. She’s laying there half peeking out her supposed to be closed eyes, trying herself not to shake with laughter. This is soooo going to get ugly quick. Because as soon as I look at her I’m giggling more. And my body is shaking from trying to hold it in. So there Sarah and I lay…and we probably look like we’re bacon in a hot skillet. I’m guessing Kool-aid leader just thought we were possessed by the spirit or something.
..and we hold it in. And hold it in. And hold it in. Its getting ugly people. I’m going to explode into laughter. I can’t look at Sarah, because it will only make it worse.
Finally…finally mercy. She bids us good-bye and tells us to get up slowly.
Sarah and I could not have possibly gotten up any faster, and we both had a half of one foot out the doorway when we erupted into giggles. My sides hurt just remembering.
Then I’m pretty sure we got drunk.
Good luck on the move Goon Squad!