Go ahead, I dare you…douche with yogurt

My good friend Sarah and her Goon Squad are packing up and leaving the sun for the snow. So she’s been on my mind a lot lately. And honestly, I’m giggling a lot.

You see, long ago-before our boyfriends became our husbands, before the Goon Squad, before Count Waffles the Terrible, before Princess Peanut, before we became Wives and Moms…we hung out a lot and drank a lot. Good times were had. Good times. Good times.

And because I’ve been thinking of Sarah a lot lately, and because I’ve also been thinking about getting off my ass and exercising lately…I can’t help but think of the time we, obviously drunk, signed up for a women’s only yoga retreat. I’m giggling as I type this. I’m not kidding.

It started innocently enough. I saw a sign, posted God-only-knows where…probably a lamppost…advertising a women’s yoga, daylong retreat. They made it sound all Ya Ya bonding and fun. Get in touch with your femininity. Bring your girlfriends and enjoy a day of relaxing yoga and sisterhood. Well shit! Sign me up! And I’ll drag Sarah.

I’ll never know how I talked Sarah into going. I must have showed her the flier. And I’m pretty sure she was wasted when I asked her and made the arrangements. So off we went, having no clue what we were in for.

Ever have one of those moments of uncontrollable girl giggle fits of laughter??? Ever have to hold it in. And I mean…hold it in because you have to or there will be dire consequences????

Really most of the day is a blur. And bear in mind this had to be almost 8-9 years ago. But I remember it being someone’s house…not a place of business. And when we got there you had no idea anything might be a little…umm…off.

Don’t drink the purple kool-aid.

A very yogi type woman (head scarf and all) led the class. And instead of really doing some good, stretch your butt yoga, she talked. She talked a lot. She talked mostly about yogurt.

Did you know you could bathe in yogurt?
…Make a facemask?
Douche???

I’m sorry. Did that woman just tell me to douche with yogurt? Really? Ok…don’t look at Sarah. DO NOT make eye contact with Sarah. Must hold in giggle. MUST hold in giggle.

Oh my god. She is NOT simulating how to insert the yogurt. MUST NOT look at Sarah. Compose yourself. Compose yourself. giggle. giggle. COMPOSE yourself.

Whew. Ok. First giggle fit controlled.

Then, finally, after what seemed to be hours of discussing our periods and how to douche with yogurt… The actual yoga. Horray!

Now, since this little “class” I’ve taken many, many yoga classes. And at the end you usually lie on your back and relax. Eventually we were on our backs. Relaxing.

We lay there. And lay there. And lay there. And lay there. And lay there.

…And then some music started.

Ok, Loreena McKennitt. I can handle this. Seems like good yoga relax music.

Then came the 1970′s “I’d like to teach the world to sing” music. And it just kept coming. A good 30 minutes has gone by and we’re all still just laying around on our backs, listening to really, really shitty music.

I start to giggle. I can’t help myself. The more horrible the music gets, the harder it is to just lie there and control the hilarity of it all.

I finally glance over at Sarah. She’s laying there half peeking out her supposed to be closed eyes, trying herself not to shake with laughter. This is soooo going to get ugly quick. Because as soon as I look at her I’m giggling more. And my body is shaking from trying to hold it in. So there Sarah and I lay…and we probably look like we’re bacon in a hot skillet. I’m guessing Kool-aid leader just thought we were possessed by the spirit or something.

..and we hold it in. And hold it in. And hold it in. Its getting ugly people. I’m going to explode into laughter. I can’t look at Sarah, because it will only make it worse.

Finally…finally mercy. She bids us good-bye and tells us to get up slowly.

Sarah and I could not have possibly gotten up any faster, and we both had a half of one foot out the doorway when we erupted into giggles. My sides hurt just remembering.

Then I’m pretty sure we got drunk.

Good luck on the move Goon Squad!

Comments

  1. oh, good lord…DOUCHE w/ yogurt??

    I mean good bacteria and all, yadda yadda…but, the IMAGE people…the IMAGE!!

    And, i so know what you’re talking about w/ the giggle thing. I used to find myself in MANY a situation like that! (well, not EXACTLY like that…but, you know what i mean).

    I CANNOT hold in a giggle…It was the worst if i got like that in class….oh…memories!

  2. There is an H in yoghurt.

    Still, I would expect basic spelling errors from someone who wants their President to be put on trial despite breaking no laws.

    Have a nice day.

  3. If nothing else, you have a great story to tell.

    By the way, yogurt without the H is the more common spelling. But both are correct.

  4. Wow. It’s early so I had to read that twice, yogurt? Woah. LOL… I am surprised you lasted so long… LOL… great morning story with the mocha… cheers girl.

  5. I think I may have actually hurt myself laughing that day. I know for sure I had tears from trying not to laugh out loud.

    They also sang something about Jesus, which was odd because of the whole Eastern feel.

  6. Yogurt is good for thrush but you’re meant to eat it not well you know. Also cranberry juice, but you are meant to drink it, not stand on your head with a funnel between you legs.

  7. I was giggling just reading about that.

  8. Thanks for the back up Bill. I think Brian needs to lay off the Roids.

  9. Oh my gosh! I love memories like that! Thanks for the laugh… There’s nothing like a girls night out (or day) to put it all into perspective.
    Hell, personally I’m impressed that you managed to wait to giggle until after you left… I doubt I’d have been able to!

  10. I don’t like to stick many things up there. Food products may be among the top things.

    Did she know you could EAT yogurt? Because, um, wrong hole, lady!

    LOL on this story!

  11. Is it just me, or does that Brian dude have a problem? Maybe it’s just me. No, he definitely has a problem. But I have to say, or, um, confess, I have douched with yogurt/yoghurt. And not for fun. And it did not feel good. I had a raging yeast infection in college, at girls campout, and nothing anywhere near but a local grocier carrying plain yoghhhhhhhurt, which I’d read can help fight the infection. I was desperate, and tired of scratching. And the worst of it is, it DID NOT WORK. However, I still get a few girls that call me after all these years and start the conversation with some reference to my, um, vagina and the application of yoghhhhhhhhurt therein. Now, that’s fun, fer sure.

  12. Yeah, Brian has issues.

    Allison. I nearly just peed myself. The clincher is it DID NOT work!

    I’m currently wondering HOW you got the yogHurt up there? Was it the cup o’ yogHurt? Did you use a spoon? Was it flavored? Ok, enough. Enough….

  13. Y’all stop! You’re killing me here!
    And here all this time I thought Coke was the latest thing to douche with… seriously though… why would you want to? :-)

    I’ve smelled old yogHurt… not a pleasant smell! Can you imagine?!

  14. OK, good thing I wasn’t eating yogurt when I read this, because I’m laughing so hard it would have shot out of my nose! Another place for yogurt NOT to be!

    I’m also a giggler – when I get a case of the giggles, I can’t hold it in. I would have burst out laughing laying there.

  15. Hilarious story!….Don’t think I could’ve kept the laughing fit inside though:) As always your stories are so animated..I love them.

    Oh and Brian….last time I checked this didn’t have anything to do with Bush so you might want to keep that kind of stuff to yourself…AND I have four different kinds of yogurt in my fridge right now and NONE..that’s right NONE of them are spelled with an H. So that was pretty damn lame to say there was a spelling error and then use it also to squeeze in a political comment.

  16. I’ve tried yoga a few times, but always end up gigling at the meditation bit. Oops:-)

    My sister told me how she was using Yoghurt (spelled with the H in the Uk if anyone cares, and either with or without in US and Oz) to combat her thrush & how uncomfortable it was. I was speachless for a few seconds (quite unusual for me), then explained that you are supposed to EAT it!

    Hilarious post.

  17. I’ll never eat yoghurt again without thinking about this conversation.

  18. I’ve been told that yoghurt is great for curing thrush but I honestly don’t think I could ever see myself using yoghurt in this capacity. I could never eat it again.

    I wonder if you could freeze it in summer and cool yourself off too?

    This was a very funny post. I would have giggled right from the word ‘douche’.

  19. I LOVE moments like that, when you’re trying so hard not to laugh with a friend. OK, I love them more when they’re over, at the time they’re a sort of suffocating desperation, really.

    I have read that you can douche with yog*H*urt (just keeping the Brian’s of the world happy, though I’m not sure why), but I’d be afraid that after I tried that and it didn’t work, I’d have to go present myself at a doctor’s office with a hoohoo full of yeasty old clotted up cottag*H*e cheese, and try to explain how there really was a problem before I started introducing dairy products into my various orifices…

  20. sadly my midwife recommended yogurt douche for yeast infections late in pregnancy. i just couldnt do it. something about the fruit on the bottom what flavor do you pick, EWWWWWW.

    (ok lets go for crude here… thats one way to get the old significant other to eat yogurt!)

  21. Well, I have to come back and answer you question on the application/insertion of the yogUrt. A popsicle stick. Not kidding. And after that, I’d rather not go into more detail. Too many disturbing memories.

  22. i’m sarah’s sister-in-law and thought i’d comment because this was absolutely hysterical. however, i also might add that i am crazy about yoga (but not the music you mentioned) and also a big propenent of yogurt douching. in fact, sarah’s beautiful niece (my 4-year old) often asks for yogurt on her *area* when she gets irritated.

    !GASP!

    and for us – it works. go figure! (organic plain yogurt is the only way to go – warmed slightly to room temperature before applying, in case any of you were wondering. hehe)

  23. Nice. That really made my day. Me and my friends have stories like that too. Giggling at inapropriate times always makes a great story.

  24. l. acidophilus, which is contained in yogurt, helps to control the growth of fungus called candida(yeast infection) in the vagina.

    yeast feeds on sugar. do not use yogurt with fruit. only use plain yogurt.

  25. well the whole fruit part is not right. you have to use yogurt that has active cultures, be all natural, and sugar free with no additives. and its a great cleaning procedure. maybe some women should add it to there cleansing process and they will all smell great and taste great for the men down below.

  26. I confess, I have douched with yogurt. I was told to mix a tablespoon with water. I like the cooling sensation. It didn’t hurt at all. It was refreshing and cured the yeast infection right away. The good thing about the yogurt is that it put the active cultures in immediately and doesn’t take away your good flora. I smelled pretty :-) …LoL Also, it’s natural so you can’t go wrong with that. No chemicals is a good thing.
    All seriousness aside, this was a funny story too.

  27. In a pinch? Douching with plain yogurt beats walking around with drippy drawers that tube medicine treatment gives. Or as relief until a trip to the store or doctor can be got to. But I did enjoy the post — have been in those giggle-suppressing situations where you think you will explode. Hilarious fun.

  28. Laugh all you want but douching with a 5-ml amount of good quality acidophilus yogurt does actually work, after having it once and buying a over the counter mix of toxic chemicals i then decided the second time to treat it myself, it worked in exactly the same time and it was way better knowing exactly i was putting in myself than a pkt product that read a list of things id never heard of…..

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