Things I can only tell the blogworld

The Kaiser and I have an agreement. But looking back upon making this agreement, I’m pretty sure I was high. Or drunk. Or crazy. And since it’s been established that I’m crazy, I think I get a chance to renegotiate said agreement. I also think that because parenthood is nothing like advertised, I get to renegotiate said agreement.

AND, and, and…I think this will help in my postpartum state.


Ok, here goes. And don’t judge me until you get all the facts.

I want a dog. I want a dog like I want air. I want a dog. I want a dog. I want a dog.

But you see, my blogging friends. I can’t have a dog. Because many, many years ago when I, also, wanted a dog…the Kaiser said “we can have kids or you can have a dog.”

Well duh, I picked the kids.

And now that I’m postpartum crazy. Pulling my hair out. Yelling at small people all day. Losing my mind with worry…

I’ve changed my mind. Too late you say? Well, screw you. I want a dog. And I want one of these:

That’s a cockapoo. And I had one while growing up. Her name was Gidget. And now I want one for my kids. But you see, I can’t talk about this at home, because the Kaiser and I agreed it would be unfair to get the kids on my little dog bandwagon. Because I would be manipulating said kids, and he would be the bad guy.

I don’t want him to be the bad guy.

So I’m going to whine to you, dear internet. Because I can’t whine to the short, sticky, people who live with me. And because no matter how much I ask and beg and plead and give sexual favors (and I would totally sign a legal document promising sexual favors to the Kaiser for said dog)..I will never get this dog.

You know dogs can be soothing for their owners? Wouldn’t it be nice if I were soothed? And I would have to go on walks…which is good for my mental health. And I could really use some help with my mental health.

Now, the Kaiser may, or may not (depending on how much he ignores this post) comment to you, dear readers, that I’ve slacked in taking care of the one animal I do have in this house. But in my defense, I had a medical condition that caused me to not clean. (oooh…see how I used that there?) and now that I’m getting a little better, the cat is totally taken care of. Totally. Really. I swear.

So, can someone get a petition going or something? Maybe some sort of prescription from a doctor saying I HAVE to have a dog? Anyone?


  1. Will you have the energy to play with and walk the doggy? My cat is very well taken care of, but a dog is a LOT more work. We’ve been thinking about a dog, and although I would love one, and Grumpy Bear wants one, I’m still not 100% sure we should get one.

  2. Details, details, details. Ann my dear, I wasn’t 100% sure we should have kids. Didn’t stop us!

    You people and your logic. Common sense is overrated.

    p.s. I think I’m going to get the Kaiser’s father tone when he reads this. Just so you guys know and appreciate how I put my life on the line to tell you things.

  3. You said “cockapoo”…

    hee hee hee hee

  4. See. Just the name of the dog alone would make you laugh. And laugh. And laugh. That makes it TOTALLY worth it, right there.

  5. Dear Kaiser,

    I think you should totally get your wife, who is Queen after all, a dog.

    You know in the long run you are going to give in to her (men always do). Make it easy on yourself on start cashing in on those favors.

    You have an opportunity here. Use it wisely.

  6. SlushTurtle for President

  7. Stop doing that!!! Stop, Stop, Stop channeling OUR HOUSE, would you???? It’s really starting to freak me out a bit. (LOL)

    Alright, here’s how it went down with us. I brow-beat, and beat and beat Brad into submission. We got the dog, and yes, well it was a nightmare. It stressed him out, the dog used to run away (we lived in Colorado at the time and he would jump our fence to play with the other dogs in the neighborhood) it was hell. But Jr. loved the puppy and well, when they would snuggle it was all good. Eventually we got the dog a dog, and well … anyway, we moved to Chicago and the dogs, went to different homes, because we had no where to live.

    Now we’re back in Chicago and I’ve started the whine again. Only difference is Jr. wants a dog too. So badly, we visit pet stores and play with the puppies. Isn’t that torture?

    Anyway, Brad still says no. I say what about a cat-dog? One of those litter trained ones. The answer is still no. No matter what. Ugh.

    I agree, I don’t want Brad to be the bad guy, but I WANT A DOG TOO. Only, I don’t want to walk it, or clean up after it. Went to the dog store a couple of weeks ago and it was between cleanings. Yuck, the smell of puppy poop. Not a fond memory.

    Have I rambled enough? Yes, I think so. Good luck with the dog thing. I think Kaiser should get you a dog. Then maybe Brad’ll get me a dog too. You think the twin thing works on their side also???

    Might be nice.


  8. Amber, you’re killing me.

    Our fences in our yard are really high. Problem solved.

    Dog poop? Love it. Can’t wait to clean it. That’s my story and I’m sticking to it.

    If Brad is anything like the Kaiser they are both rolling their eyes….

  9. I think I would want to stay far away from anything that is named “CaCaPOO”.

  10. I would go crazy without my dog. He is the only one that understands me! He is also excellent at cleaning away the food Duncan throws on the floor, and he lies in front of the back door so Duncan can’t escape out it. Dogs are much more rewarding to look after, because in return you get undying love and devotion. Other species (like cats and children) just let you slave away after them, and then ignore you unless they want something for the rest of their lives)

  11. I’m not a cat person so my vote always goes to the cat. As soon as we leave JW Land, we’re getting a weiner dog and his name shall be Stuart.

    Kaiser, I agree with SlushTurtle, give in, you know you will anyway. Cut your losses while you can.

  12. I occasionally want a dog, but then I think of all the responsibility and think that I probably have plenty of responsibility as it is. We also have cats.

    Of course, I recommend Siamese cats if you want a cat that would act like a dog. No kidding – they’re needy, they sleep in the bed with you, they play fetch, and they’re way too smart.

    In your favor, though, I will say that if you can handle two kids, then adding a dog to the mix probably wouldn’t be much more difficult. Many people get dogs first to see if they’re ready for kids. You have kids, so you should be ready for a dog.

    (Sorry if this sounds disjointed – I’m running on very little sleep at the moment and in a serious brain fog.)

  13. I have 2 cats and added to the 2 kids (5 and almost 3) I wanna kill someone! I couldn’t do it but if you can, go for it I say!

    GO FOR IT!

    Long live the Queen!

  14. Come on.

    Get her the dog.

    She takes care of your kids day and night.

    Her boobs are mangled.

    You work late hours, from what I read on the blog.

    WOuldn’t you feel safe knowing your babes and woman were being guarded by such a beast?

    Oh come on….

    She’s even offering sexual favors….


  15. hehehe Now we’re talkin’. Keep it coming people. He can’t fight all of us.

  16. Whatever you do, do not get a puppy. We had a puppy for a few months. We had to get rid of her (the boys were 2 & 4). She chewed any toys, shoes, things they left in her reach. She would bite their feet & pants legs. She ruined our carpet (it was hard enough taking car of the kids & the dog, but trying to potty train one kid & a dog was too much). The vet bills were too expensive.

    OK – with that being said, get a dog that is older & potty trained!

  17. Alright Kaiser. In the name of blogging fairness, you MUST get her the dog. You’ve got all the problems solved. Even Brad was WILLING to try the dog once…

    You don’t want to go down in blogging history as being less flexible than Brad, do you???????

  18. Whatever you do, don’t get a puppy. We had one for a few months, when the boys were 2&4. She chewed eveything they left in her reach, shoes, toys, our blinds, etc. She nipped their feet, ankles & pant legs when she was teething. She ruined our carpet. And the vet bills were big (all those puppy shots &
    spaying her). I will never get another puppy.

    If you talk him into it, get an older dog that is already trained. It sucks poty training a kid & dog at the same time!

  19. Some how my comment didn’t show up, so I retyped it, then it appeared (15 minutes later).

    Sorry about repeateing myself…

  20. um. you said poo. and cock. all in one word! wait, is this a family-friendly site?

    i think you should totally get the dog. what’s one more chaos-eminating short & sticky body in a home already brimming with them?

    also, dogs make good blogging material. because they do things that you wish they would not do… just like children and husbands!

    oh, and thanks for the link!

  21. I can play a Doctor.
    Just watch.

    Dear Kaiser,
    The Queen needs a dog.
    It will calm her nerves…
    Trust me.
    I am a Doctor.

    The Queen’s Doctor.

    See… told ya I could play a Doctor.

  22. I just thought of something else…this is somthing we can add to the family that won’t suck my boobs!

  23. p.s. poor Jennifer must have missed the masterbation post if she thought this site was family friendly

  24. I’ve always had a dog. I couldn’t be without one. We just put my dear girl Shayna to sleep two weeks ago and my heart is still broken. Let me make a few short comments about her…

    She barked at noises outside and a few seconds before anyone came to the door.

    She pulled on my hand occasionaly when she needed a walk.

    She vaccuumed up under the kitchen table like nobody’s business.

    She snuggled up against me or on my feet on the bed and kept me warm.

    She had a smile for me every day when I walked through the door for 10 years through some of the worst times of my life.

    She will be missed. Never forgotten

    As I said earlier, I will not be without a dog. Princess is with us now. All puppy, all joy, all the time. 🙂

  25. Okay… I’m totally annoyed. I SO posted a comment and now it’s gone!
    I’ll repost. Anyway, let me just say that my two year old (almost) has a very best buddy who snuggles him, protects him, adores him, puts up with his torture. This best bud is our Siberian Husky, one of our THREE dogs. I grew up without pets and I didn’t want that feeling of emptiness for my muffin. They also say kids who grow up with pets are less likely to have allergies! Plus, dogs (and pets in general) give many loving, beautiful, picture-inducing moments. So what that my dogs only get walked in non-winter months (we live in Michigan)? We live in a smallish home with a smallish yard and our dogs couldn’t be happier (we lived in a bigger home with a huge yard before and I think that they are happier now…)
    My son… their presence in his life is irreplaceable.
    And what kind of crazy man would turn down sexual favors? My husband would do just about ANYTHING for a promise like that! Don’t be a fool, Kaiser! Besides, the Count can help feed the pup and as the kids grow older, they will have a furry best friend for life… and really… they are very calming. One minute of petting your dog decreases heart rate and blood pressure!

  26. Alright, I’ll take the contrairian position, just because I’m like that.

    I love dogs. Other people’s dogs.

    We’ve got cats already. Cat litter may smell, but it is in the basement and can be changed out without using one’s hands. Cats don’t need walks and they don’t stink up your car. Cats don’t fart. (Husbands and dogs do.) And a family that travels like we do doesn’t have to set up a dog sitter every time we visit auntie for the day.

    I understand the Kaiser because dogs add more work to “man chores” that 90% of women will not have anything to do with at any time. Cleaning out the car. Shoveling up poop in the backyard in the muddy spring. (Imagine running over a pile with the lawnmower….) Dog walks in the dead of night in the rain.

    A dog is a toddler that won’t grow up or ever be reasoned with. Will this neanderthal post cost me a knighthood? Perhaps, but I have to give the poor Kaiser’s thought process.

    Get a kitten or two, Your Highness. Much cuter, snuggly and more independant when it comes to bathroom issues.

  27. Well, my husband and I agree on this entirely. There are only a few dogs I dislike, but I don’t want to own one. I think I would buy a ferret before a dog. In fact, I know I would.

    My dear sweet husband stole my line, “Dogs are just like toddlers, who never grow up and can’t be reasoned with.” I believe that’s my intellectual property.

    However, I wholeheartedly support your desire to get a cute, little cockapoo. I would love to visit your dog. As I said, I love dogs, just as long as they aren’t mine.

  28. Sorry to everyone who posted over the past 24hours. I got a ton of emails with your comments, yet only half of them are showing up here! Blogger can suck it.

  29. Holy shit – if you’re still reading the bazillion comments, I have a solution. It worked on my man-unit. I have to think of a new name for him. Ha ha.

    Find source of said dog. Make appointment to go see dog, but tell him ya’ll are going somewhere special. Put peanut butter on his ankles ahead of time (I actually got peanut butter on hubby’s socks before he put them on, without him knowing.) Yes I was desperate.

    Puppy will adorn hubby with much cuteness. Hubby will fall in love and there will be much hubby-puppyhuppy-pubby lovey-dovey-ness. Be prepared, it will be sickening.

    If this plan fails, cry.

  30. Karen has the best plan by far. Peanut butter and crying. I’m in.

  31. May I suggest something that I myself have done when I get the “want a dog” feelings…

    Borrow a friends dog for the weekend…24/3…

    That works for me every time…the responsibility…the mess…the hair…the bed hogging…the smells….

    I thought you were already married and had children?

    Children will do just fine without a pet…they won’t be less allargic or less social…the research shows that…

    You’re doing just fine…Kaiser is a wise man…

    Oh the other hand….you could say, “one more kid or a dog…your pick…” and see how quickly he goes for the dog…

    If he goes for the kid…oops…

  32. Ok, don’t hate me. And please continue to visit my blog (although maybe you haven’t since I disagreed with you on breastfeeding or cosleeping or something or other 😀 ) Don’t get a dog. Yet. I’ve noticed in your photos that your house is nice and clean. Add a shedding beast to the mix — makes it impossible to keep clean. You can’t just vacuum around stuff anymore — dog fur is on, under, and in everything. You say your yard is fenced in? Good. But now your kids are whining to go outside and play. But uh-oh, no one has picked up the dog poop back there, in let’s say, oh, the ENTIRE winter. So you tell the kids, nope, maybe tomorrow they can go out and play. Not good. I love our dog, she’s 10 years old, but when she goes, we are NOT getting another one until the kids are much older. It is just one more thing to take care of, and I’m overwhelmed with what I’ve got! But, that’s me. You probably are more organized, and maybe your hubby will actually pick up dog poop.

  33. Would it help, at all, if I told everyone that I’ve had dogs my whole life. Cleaned poops my whole life. Dealt with hair on everything my whole life? After the cockapoo (that was for the giggles) we had golden retrievers. Brandi and Maggie. Both as puppies too. The chewing. The peeing on the carpet. But it only lasts that first little while. You just have to make it through that part. And I’ve done it three times before. Then the reward is wonderful! Then you get this happy, bouncey dog that you raised. I would totally go to dog school. I would. I would.

  34. You’re right QOS… especially if you’ve done it before, you can easily do it again. Yeah, it’s troublesome and annoying at first but in the long run… totally worth the while. The undying, loyal love is worth the housetraining, poops and fur. 100 times over. This comes from a psychotically fastidious person who HATES hair on the floor and is STILL willing to vacuum our wood floors twice a day, pick up all our dogs poop with no help from hubby, feed and water said dogs, potty train them all basically by myself and still… would NEVER EVER trade any of them back. And, yes, I have a toddler, too and I swear… He’s DEFINITELY harder! THE LOVE. It’s all about the love of that animal. TOTALLY WORTH IT ALL. ’nuff said to all the haters! =)

  35. Did I mention I have THREE dogs? A husky, a chow/shep mix and a husky/lab mix? Yeah… lots of pooh and fur… and still I’d do it all again.

  36. Do what I did – go out and get the dog while hubby is at work.

    Surprise! 🙂

    But – let me tell you, from someone who just got a puppy – it’s a LOT of work. I’m now trying to housebreak a puppy along with potty-training a toddler. He barks at night, waking up the toddler who then starts crying; he pees on the carpet when I’m not looking… but, the boys absolutely love him, and even MT is warming to him (even though he’d NEVER admit it), and he’s cute as a button. Would I do it again? Not sure that I would, not at this point in my life anyway. But, it’s different with you because you’re home all day; with my schedule, it’s crazy.

    But I totally understand the puppy bug syndrome 🙂

  37. You may have done all of that before, but it was also before you had two kids.

  38. Ok Queen, I changed my mind. Get the dog. I did a post just for you, check it out! Have fun,

  39. Dear Kaiser,

    You really should just let her get the dog. I can’t imagine not having a dog, and I totally couldn’t imagine my kids not having one! So, to avoid therapy for the entire rest of your family years down the road, just get the dog. Really, you’ll thank us all for this advice later.

  40. I understand you had dogs your whole life, but that was before you had children, right? Did you borrow a friend’s dog for the entire weekend, and not just overnight?

    Also, did you tell Kaiser “dog or another kid”?

  41. ONLY get the dog IF:

    1. EVERY carpet in the palace is already shredded from puppy claws.

    2. You actually enjoy cleaning dog vomit off your couch BEFORE you’ve had your morning coffee.

    3. The princes and princesses think fur makes cheerios taste better.

    Kaider… you’re in a lose/lose situation here, hon. MY hubby gave in to me… at first it earned him favors! NOW? It’s gonna cost him all new carpets! But… you’re going to give in… cuz if you don’t the kids will just happen to FIND a 10 week old cockapoo wandering down the street with no tags and no collar and an empty tummy…. So just start putting money in the “carpet fund” now. 🙂

  42. I’m only like 3 months behind here, but seriously…the dog is the BEST thing for you. I have a Boston Terrier, named Murphy. Granted I got him a month before I found out I was pregnant…he is my sanity. He’s the only living thing in my house that doesn’t talk back to me. And he’s my personal trainer. He has so much energy that he MUST be walked everyday and this gives me time with Dawson. And the WORK OUT! Imagine pushing a stroller and holding a leash at the same time. And after the kid is in bed, Murphy and I cuddle on the couch…he licks my face and says “even whent those other BOYS don’t like you, I love you.” Isn’t he just sweet? And let’s face it, Murphy saved my marriage. Doug LOVES him. And he didn’t want to me to get a dog either. For awhile Murphy’s nickname was “Fuck no”. Ask me about that later. So Kaiser, if you’re listening. GET A DOG! The kids will love him and you will too!

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