Why I hope my children will be gay…

I’m not kidding.

I would prefer Princess Peanut and Count Waffles were gay.

I’ve said it all along, and I’m sticking to my guns.

Admittedly, these reasons are selfish. And, of course, I want my children to grow and become whatever they choose. I mean that. But if I had any say in the matter (and, I know I don’t) I’d like them both to be gay.

I can tell you right now, I will be a nightmare of a mother-in-law. I will hate whatever girl Count Waffles brings home. Because she’s a girl. And because I am Queen. If he brings home a boy, I think I would be less threatened. My place with him will remain secure. That’s horrible, isn’t it? Maybe I will soften over the years, and with many years of therapy and medication, one day, I might not hate all of his future girlfriends. But I doubt it.
I don’t want him dating girls. They screw with boys. Most of you are girls. You all know this to be true. And I fully realize men do the same thing…but we women have this down to a very, very evil science. I feel like he just might have a better shot with boys. Maybe not better…maybe just a bit more of a fair fight.
I also think he already has a mother, and does not need another one. And we wives tend to become mother-like to our husbands. Not intentionally, I don’t think. But because it’s just how many of us are. And how many men are.
If he’s gay. Maybe this won’t be the case. I realize, too, that there is no guarantee, but I’m just playing the odds.
I also won’t have to worry about him knocking up anyone too young. Which leads me to…

If Princess Peanut figures out her sexuality by puberty, I won’t have to worry about some hormone-frenzied boy getting her knocked up at 16. No worries that she’ll go on the pill at 15. And if she’s a slut, she’ll be a slut that can’t get pregnant. Whew.
Later in life, maybe, just maybe, she won’t have to deal with a million relatives asking her if she’s found a man yet. Or being taken care of by a man yet. Or getting pregnant by a man yet. Or working for a man yet. Or getting married to a man yet. Hopefully her decisions on working, and career, and family, and love, and marriage won’t be as overshadowed by social stigma as her mother’s were. Simply because there is no man in the equation.

Sure, they will both have their hearts broken. Can’t help that whichever route they choose.

Now, the tough part. Most of you out there (or so I am told) think there is something wrong with homosexuality. So if my children are gay, your children may or may not make their lives miserable. I certainly don’t want that for my kids. But I will also instill in them a very “fuck you if you don’t like it” attitude to get them through, if need be. And you better damn well believe I’ll be riding the PFLAG float (do they even have floats?) at whatever parade is nearby. I’ll also be smoothing over everything in their path-like I do already. So hopefully, those of you who seem to think gay equals bad won’t ever get your hate-filled message to my children’s ears. Hell, come to think of it, I may do that anyway. In fact, I know I will.

Isn’t it sad that I have to worry if they are gay that your kids will make them ashamed? As if there is something wrong with being gay? That your kids and my peers and my government may enact laws and ordinances barring them from the same rights and protections as heterosexuals? I’m not sure where you people get off, but I’m going to tell you right now, if my kids end up to be gay or not, my FAMILY will make sure you get one hell of a fight. This isn’t a political rant or anything here, this is just me, talking about my kids. And making sure they can be anything and everything in the world. And fall in love with whomever they want. And get married. And have children-in whatever manner they see fit.

So if my dream comes true, I guess I have a whole new set of worries.
Do you really, really mean it when you tell your kids they can be anything?
I’d rather my kids be gay. But I won’t be mad if they are not.
I’ll just need more medication. A number to a few convents. Many boxes of condoms. And maybe some lessons on how to be a nonmeddling mother-in-law.


  1. No kids here yet. BUT if I have a son I frequently say, “it would be grand if he were gay.” Because then he can make this house and me “stylin.” (Assuming I get a stylin’ product using, stereotypical, perfect dresser gay son. That would be very cool with me!

    On a serious note – my kids won’t be mean to your kids if they are gay (or anyone eles’s kids) because they will grow up in a home where someone’s sexuality is accepted for what it is, not who they engage in relationships with.

  2. I’m with Kristi, it won’t be my child being mean because someone’s gay, or fat, or a redhead or whatever! I won’t tolerate it, I honestly believe this world would be a better place if everyone was just nicer to each other…
    I do love your reasons for wanting them to be gay though, made me laugh because I can SO relate to them! And I think that you wouldn’t be a meddling mother in law, because you that they DO exist….

  3. I have often already thought, gee, if xander was gay, i’d still be the most important woman in his life. It’s selfish, I know. You know. But, at the same time, I hope that a) if he is gay, that we have a much more equal and loving world in regards to gay rights and such and b)he wears condoms. =) Either way, actually, i hope he wears condoms.
    I would like to imagine that my son will stay a virgin until he marries (either sex) but I’m a realistic gal. I didn’t wait. So… I’m going to always be straightforward with him. He CAN be, do, like anything he wants (within reason…no meth or anything) but the most important lesson I can teach him is love. Yes, I’m a Christian and I believe in replicating Christ’s love. Whether or not anyone believes in God, his lessons are clear – love EVERYONE, don’t sit in judgement since we all have flaws. THIS is the big picture. Whether someone is “ugly,” fat, gay, whatever. We are all still human and make slip-ups (like when I mall watch) but in general… Love is the most important lesson I think all of us can teach our children. Okay, I ranted… enough!

  4. I love how the Christian equates gay with fat and ugly.

    I told The Squad that being gay is fine as long as they adopt. I demand Grandchildren.

    I’d also like to say that I don’t and won’t mother my spouse. This was part of our agreement all along. He already has a mother and now I have kids and two children are plenty for me.

  5. One more thing – I watched this documentary on Neo-Nazi’s the other night and I will not let my kids become that if I can do anything to stop it.

    I’m sure there is other stuff like that too, that is just the one thing that comes immediately to mind.

  6. You must be challenging me right now. I woke up hearing about an ammendement on the sanctity of marriage, and I crawled back in bed and pulled the covers over my head. I can’t believe that is what the country is worried about right now.

    If my son is gay, I won’t mind except for the grandchildren part. I would miss that. Personally, I would be okay if I didn’t have to deal with the female competition.

    Will has 2 Godfathers (and a Godmother who is not related to his 2 Godfathers), and they are a wonderful, caring part of his life. I don’t care what Will is as long as he is a good, productive member of society and not some serial killer or con artist.

  7. Ooops, I meant channeling, not challenging… 🙂 Typos, erg!

  8. Cordelia can be gay or straight, and we’ll love her no matter what. Either way, Aaron fully plans to teach her combat skills, so if some teen guy or girl tries to make a move on her, she can kick his/her ass.

    We have several friends who are gay, so she will grow up being exposed to all sorts of different sexualities and family structures. We’re actually very happy about that, since Ohio tends to be rather conservative overall.

    So if your kids turn out to be gay, then they will have Cordy as a friend. And she’ll kick the ass of any kid who tries to ridicule them.

  9. Yeah, I don’t want my kids to become murderers. Or Neo-Nazi’s. Those both hurt people.

    But I also hope they are not Republican. But I’ll still let The Count be Alex P. Keaton if that’s what his heart tells him. Sigh.

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  11. Excuse me SARAH – I’m usually pretty tolerant of comments but I’m going to be a real fucking bitch here. So, you’re sitting in judgement of me? Who the fuck do you think you are? Excuse me, but I wasn’t equating being gay with fat or ugly, just saying that those are never things to be mean to someone about…things I wouldn’t want my son to be mean about. For fuck’s sake, my uncle is gay and I saw the hell he went through with people’s attitudes. THat’s all i was saying. But, apparently being a Christian and stating that gives everyone a right to fucking be a bitch to me. Ya sure didn’t say anything to debambam? Gee, maybe that’s cause her NOT stating Christianity made it okay for her, in your eyes, to say basically exactly the same fucking thing, BEFORE i did. See, it’s people like you that make this a difficult world for love and tolerance. Thanks for proving my point that we live in a fucked up world with judgemental people. THanks

  12. Okay I just said to my bf Karen, that I love having a gay son because he loves to iron and I don’t. LOL! This is so funny! My 18 year old is gay and honestly, he’s one of my best girlfriend’s sometimes, he really is. Plus he loves dressing up his little sister, doing her nails, her hair…I swear it’s fabulous! On a serious note, I hope he has a wonderful life and suffers no sort of discrimination for being gay. I want all of my children to be happy no matter what! Great post Queen of Spain! Sassy

  13. I’ve actually talked to Joe about how if Jack is gay it’s all good and he’d better be supportive dammit.
    But honestly, I plan on raising Jack so that it doesn’t occur to him that being gay is in any way a bad thing. If he grows up accepting that some people like boys, and some like girls, and it’s irrelevant which they are themselves, maybe he can grow up in a world where people don’t get angry and scream over humorous internet posts.

    For the record, I don’t equate homophobia with Christianity. I equate it (and racism, and mysogyny, and numerous other sources of hate) with ignorance. I try to remember that when the hate mongers make me mad enough to scream.

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  17. No one ever has to apologize for what is said on this blog. I want people to speak up. Speak out. And scream what they think. Totally not the debate I thought would happen when I wrote this post..but I’m glad there is discussion going on.

    To throw myself into the mix of the actual discussion here, I think Christianity, whenever its brought up and in whatever context, immediately makes me defensive. Right or wrong. It’s a total gut reaction, because I think like many here, the so-called Christian led goverment seems to be trying to run our personal lives more and more these days.
    Of course there are the good Christians and the bad ones. Of course. But I will be the first to admit that when I hear “Christian” “gay” “fat” “ugly” all at once my mind may blur and the defense just comes out. Although reading your entire post, shay, I can see you didn’t mean anything by it. But as a whole, the Christian community isn’t very accepting of gays. So I think its only natural for nonChristians to be on guard when it comes to the issue.

  18. I apologize for my anger. It just makes me angry when people are claiming to be open-minded and then when they hear a “hot” word like Christianity, they explode! What if I’d said I was Muslim or Buddist or Jewish? Would the explosion have happened? I highly doubt it. This is the world that scares me for my son. The one where people “claim” to want equality and so forth but only under THEIR stipulations for what is acceptable. I understand, and wholeheartedly agree that there is much judgement and hypocrisy in Christianity. I’ve witnessed first hand many times but I’ve seen that judgement in athesists, agnostics, Jews, Muslims, etc. Should I be fearful to mention the fact that I am? If so, that’s not a world I want to live in. I don’t think anyone should fear speaking their mind because they’ll be immediately judged based on their experiences with the few, not the many. Whether that be religion, politics or sexual orientation…

  19. I’m a pretty decent person… with a really big heart and if you knew me, you’d know that. I’m human. We’re all human…but as a society, we don’t seem to focus on our similarities but rather our differences. This makes me sad. I know that I’m being judged on my religious beliefs, my animal activism, my enviromental beliefs (i get the tree-hugger, hippy thing a lot where I live), my child-rearing, my career goals, my life. I just don’t really think I need, or anyone needs to attack anyone before they know them. In my case, too…which is why I apologized. If you really look at my initial post, you’ll see that my message was as simple as this. Love. Let’s teach it. Regards of any physical, emotional or sexual differences, let’s teach love to our children. To ourselves. THen maybe we wouldn’t see so much judgement, hypocrisy and anger. It starts in our homes. That’s all I was saying. I’m sad that the only thing some people might catch is the “christian” and “gay” part and blur it together. Love transcends those stereotypes… but obviously we all have a long way to go.

  20. oops, environmental, sorry…

  21. Well, look at you – opening a big, giant can of gay worms! (wait … I don’t think worms even HAVE a gender – sorry!)

    Such a hot topic. What really makes it interesting is how much the same “camps” of people even disagree. I posted about this a while back. It is just another Christ follower’s perspective:


    Tally ho!

  22. Hey, if The Brain decides he wants to decorate his football instead of throwing it I’ll buy the markers and paint. I’d be disappointed because to me it would be the loss of a dream… silly as it sounds, but I want grandkids and the opportunity to be friends with my daughter in law. So sue me.
    At the end of the day what matters is his happiness. I’ve always made it clear to him that I don’t believe that homosexuality is a choice… after all, it’s not like I ever had the opportunity to make an active decision to NOT be gay.

    Why shouldn’t I believe that the reverse is true?

    And as for worrying about what everyone else thinks about it… all I can do is raise him to understand that there will always be hateful, judgemental people in this world and that he shouldn’t concern himself with what other people think.

    Come to think about it, having an adolescent requires that you try and get that point accross anyway… peer pressure is a bitch.

    I love my son, and frankly, I don’t ever want to spend this much time thinking about his potential sex life again.

    I think I need a drink now… 🙂

  23. I whole heartedly agree queen 🙂 Mr. P always says he would like Pumpkin to be a lesbian, then he does not have to deal with 16 year old boys with sex on the brain!

    Mostly I hope my daughter grows up to be proud of whoever she is and tolerent of the diversity around her. Then I will know I succeded as a mom. But she better not be a republican – or I will disown her! 🙂

  24. LOLOL I saw this post I think, I’ve been doped up on theraflu, at 4 AM and laughed. I couldn’t write then as I was laughing so hard and I just couldn’t wait to see where this talk turned. I guessed right LOLOL.. Oh Queenie… HUGS!!!! I love your day to day crap too but I just love how you poke and make the peeps in blogland think.

    Yes, I’d love my baby no matter what, even if I agreed with his life choices or not. My love is NEVER ending and has NO conditions. Never. Ever. 🙂 OH woops… soon babies!!! And yes, he/she better ADOPT because I too will want grandbabies LOLOLOLOL…


  25. Perhaps I’m just reacting to what I’ve always thought was an “over-involved” mother, but my thoughts go something like this:

    He’s my son. I’ll always love and support him.

    His Godfathers–one is my first cousin. The other is his partner. They’re family. I’ve got a problem with anyone who attacks my family, or somehow decide they are somehow better than my family.

    What I find more interesting than anything in this country is watching the evolution of social norms. As those in my generation X are dragged (kicking and screaming) into our 30s, we’re finally getting more of a voice in what’s acceptable. That voice has been (mostly) one of tolerance to everybody. I worry about the direction our country takes, but I also see hope in those I went to college with. We’ll out-live those we don’t agree with.

  26. was it up then or am i just insane and drinking too much theraflu? lOLOLOL…

  27. Also–

    Shay V, well said and well done.

  28. Shay, though I didn’t speak against Christianity, and made a point to say it wasn’t something I equate with homophobia, I want to clarify a bit.

    I was raised Assembly of God and Southern Baptist. My parents are very conservative, and our beliefs don’t mesh in so many ways. They do not approve of homosexuality, which has been difficult since I am bisexual. But I don’t blame them, or their church. (Even though if their current church knew about me my mother would most likely lose her job as their receptionist). I may not like it or agree with it, but at least those coming from a soley Biblical standpoint have a “reason” for their beliefs.
    My problem is with people -regardless of creed- who write off homosexuality as evil, unnatural, wrong, etc. merely due to how they were raised. My problem is with any person who claims to have an opinion on any topic, who has not actually looked into said topic for themselves but merely parrots what they have been taught throughout childhood, which is why I chose the term ignorance.

    An old friend of mine was a Republican, Christian, Bi-Sexual who voted for Bush. I never understood it, but I also didn’t condemn her for her stance. She was my friend, and that was what mattered at the end of the day.

    All this is to say that from the other side I completely agree with you about people who jump to conclusions over the word “christian”. What we all need to remember is that when you fill in the word for whatever you are saying (Christian, Gay, Liberal, Conservative, etc) that it bothers us all to be profiled.

    No true open-minded person will exhibit such behavior.

  29. You might want to check on my post on a similar subject at http://www.bpqueen.blogspot.com My 10 year old truly thinks he is gay…

  30. So does this mean that our agreement is off about arranging the marriage of Count Waffles and Miss Thing?

  31. Here’s a little something I learned: even if the men turn out to be gay, they’re going to end up with a man who acts like Queen Bitch, and you will feel that you ARE competing with another woman.

    I didn’t learn this from a child, but my father-in-law is gay and he’s with a man who’s more feminine than I could ever imagine being. He plays worse games than actual females do. That being said, I can understand where you’re coming from, though. God knows I’m scared for my daughter to reach dating age.

  32. i agree with you, Jack’s…

  33. did i already say RIGHT ON? because that’s what i wanted to say. RIGHT FUCKING ON!

    my husband agrees, too. he did point out that we’d be pressuring them to adopt as soon as possible, and probably that would annoy them to no end, but come on. grandkids are the reason you have kids in the first place.

  34. Yes! They have floats…….and gay pride parades rock.

    Gay men make THE best girlfriends hands down and the Boy Wonder agrees they make a great best guy friend as well.

    I don’t think there’s a woman on earth that really cared her son was gay~~~~~he’s yours forever then!

    Loved this!

  35. I feel sorry for the boyfriend my daughter may someday bring home because I’ll go Al Bundy on his ass for no good reason. I would feel even more sorry for the byfriend my son may bring home :o)

    It never occurred to me to ever wish they were gay though. Good topic Queen. Very entertaining!

  36. Here’s my question (yes, I’m late). I’m Catholic. I go to church on Sunday. I believe in my religion. However, I have issues with the gay topic. I have many gay friends. MANY. I hang out with these friends often. My family and my church feels I’m a sinner for associating with them and not trying to convert them to “hetero relationships”. I don’t agree with my family and church on this matter. BUT still, when it comes to the topic of gay marriage, I have a problem. If the Catholic church believes it’s a sin to be gay then most gays won’t beleive in that religion, right? I mean they’d be practicing a religion that is against them. And I can’t understand that concept. So then in regards to “holy matrimony” why would they want to participate? Civil union I can agree with, but marriage I can’t. I don’t know how to overcome this obstacle. Legal marriage vs. religious marriage is just too difficult for me to argue. I do want all the world to have equal rights. It just seems so complicated and contradicting. I don’t want to be a hypocrite. But really, I am. And I’m not afraid to admit it. If I had to choose, I wouldn’t want Dawson to be gay BECAUSE of the misery he’d go through from the heterosexual world, from the religious world, and so on. If he did decide to be gay, I’d have to accept that and I’d still love him. But I admit I like to think that his upbringing, the way I raise him will prevent him from becoming gay. I know that’s a naive way of thinking and many people will attack me for my feelings/beliefs/theories, and I have to accept that, too. It’s a never ending battle when it all comes down to it.

  37. Wow! Someone who thinks like me. I’d want my children to be gay, simply because I wouldn’t have to worry about them being teen parents. That’s what I fear the most about having kids. I would be very disappointed if my children turned out to be straight. 🙁 … but, I’d accept them.

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