BlogHer Tuition Winner #1-Guest Post by Christina!

Steps For Easter Brunch With a Toddler

By Christina from A Mommy Story

1. Start preparing three hours before the assigned meal time (reservations are at 11:30).
2. Take turns showering and dressing while watching the child.
3. Attempt to give child a bath to make her less smelly for seeing relatives.
4. Change soggy clothing after toddler disapproves of bath.
5. Wrestle toddler to the ground to get her into cute Easter dress. Listen to her cry in disapproval about dress.
6. Take a swig from the open bottle of wine in the fridge.
7. As soon as everyone is ready to go, toddler falls to the ground in a tantrum. Attempt to placate her in order to get going, but give up and take pictures of her fit. After all, it’ll be good blackmail someday.
8. Go for one more swig of wine before heading out the door, realizing the toddler is just getting started.
9. Make funny faces at toddler in the car to cheer her up, but get met with a cold stare in response.
10. Arrive at restaurant. Nearly cause a revolving door accident when child chooses to stop walking while halfway inside the revolving door.
11. Do damage control when great aunt suddenly appears in toddler’s face, terrifying said toddler who probably doesn’t remember her.
12. Be seated. Try to convince nervous toddler that the woman sitting next to her is her grandmother, her third favorite person in the world that she sees weekly. Toddler is unconvinced, due to said grandmother getting her hair cut very short. (She donated it to Locks of Love.)
13. Attempt to make a trip to the buffet for food. Get as far as two tables away before toddler realizes you’re gone and begins howling in protest, forcing one family at the next table to decide it’s time to leave. Throw random food onto plate as fast as possible and return to table.
14. Be greeted by sobbing toddler, who wants nothing more than to sit on your lap, blocking your access to the food you just gathered.
15. Consider ordering alcohol, but decide against it for fear of cold stares from family.
16. Tempt toddler with several yummy food choices, but when said child refuses to eat any of it, give in and let her eat cheerios and goldfish for her main course. Reach around toddler for a few bites of food.
17. Put child into highchair. Change mind when it results in screeching. Resigned to your fate, put child back onto your lap. Consider braving the cold stares to order that drink.
18. Daddy returns with dessert, including chocolate, and suddenly child no longer is interested in your lap. Toddler moves to daddy’s lap and screams for chocolate brownie on the plate. You can finally eat!
19. Round out toddler’s Easter brunch with a chocolate brownie, and then one more just to keep her happy.
20. Toddler crawls back onto your lap just long enough to wipe her chocolate covered mouth across your shirt. Now you have chocolate streaks over each breast.
21. Once toddler finishes eating brownies, take turns running after her around the dining room. Endure tantrum and attempted biting every time you attempt to bring her back to the table.
22. Begin fantasizing about the remainder of the bottle of wine back in the fridge at home. Consider sneaking into the bar for a shot of scotch.
23. Watch toddler hug cute stuffed rabbit she received as a gift. Then watch her recoil in horror when it begins dancing and singing. Bad gift.
24. Remove toddler from table, shoving rabbit into a bag. Stop for a quick picture with the Easter bunny. Amazingly, toddler charms the bunny.
25. Return home, where toddler acts perfectly happy and normal. Put her in crib for nap – your nap.
26. Reconsider idea of having another child. Seriously, Queen, how do you do it??