Stay-at-Home Feminist

I knew the so-called “Mommy Wars” were big, I had no idea HOW big. It seems the war is now on my doorstep, or more accurately, in my email box:

“Erin, I can not believe you dress your daughter in Feminist shirts. YOU ARE A STAY-AT-HOME mother!!!! All you have taught her, is that you have succumbed to the patriarchy and subscribed to catering to your husband. You clean, cook, wear an apron-everything WE fought against doing for all those years. I am sickened by women like you who have thrown away their opportunities in favor of suburban Barney marathons and tupperware parties. Don’t call yourself a Feminist. Don’t dress your daughter like she’s part of your cause. You are NOT one of us. I fought to give you the option and the right to choose your fate, but at least I was a strong role model for my boys. I showed them a woman could be the bread winner and the mother not that I needed a man to take care of me. I would appreciate if you, and women like you, would stop aligning themselves with the real feminists. Goddess Bless, Anne”

When I first read this email, I was hurt. And my skin is usually pretty thick.

I was hurt because I do have guilt over my choice to stay home with my children. As a woman, I feel a sort of responsibility to my gender. I feel like I should always be everything I can be, to show that women are strong, educated, and above all-equal.

But those reasons are exactly why I chose to stay home. Because as a strong, educated woman, I knew the benefits of having at least one parent at home. My husband and I actually had the option available to us, and it seemed a no brainer.

Does having a mother who stays at home have it’s drawbacks? Sure. An impression may be left on my son and daughter that this is a woman’s role. But I highly doubt it. My kids also see their father clean, cook, do laundry, etc. They also see stay-at-home fathers in our circle of friends. But the benefits of having a parent at home far outweighed any impressions that may or may not be floating around.

And here is the big kicker: I want to be home. There was a time where I wanted to be live at every breaking news story, and I did that. There was a time I wanted to be grilling public officials and asking the hard hitting questions-and I did that. I did it well, too, thank you very much. And now, I want to influence my children. Raise my children. And raise them to be strong, educated, and independent.

My mother graduated from high school, got pregnant and married my father. I graduated high school, went to college, became an award winning journalist, THEN got married and got pregnant. That’s progress. I was not expected to stay home with the babies. That’s progress. In fact, I planned on going back to work. After my son was delivered, I changed my mind. Motherhood was my job. And again, it was a no brainer.

Here is what you may not realize…I have it all. And I have it how I want it, not how society wants me to have it. THAT is being a feminist. THAT is what you fought for. You don’t like my choice? Fine. I don’t like that you don’t want me in your little “club.” So I’m starting my own.

SHF. Stay-at-Home Feminist. Raising kids and Raising hell.

Oh, and I plan on dressing my daughter in more feminist garb. I even have a shirt that matches hers. We’re a family that believes in equality of the sexes and choice. And that idea also means I will battle with YOU, my feminist sister, on the choices I make.


  1. F- that lady who emailed you. Who ever said that you needed permission to agree with the beliefs of a particular group? Last I checked, that chick wasn’t God, and she sure as hell isn’t the President of the Feminists. I’m sorry, should I have asked you, Anne, for permission to disagree?

  2. I’d also ask her if she cooks for her children, or if she leaves them to fend for themselves. Does she clean her house, or does she hire some “lesser” woman, perhaps a poor immigrant, to clean her house for her. Or perhaps she lets her children live in squalor.

    And when, exactly, did you “throw away” your opportunities? Is there a law preventing you from going back to work after your daughter no longer needs YOUR body to nourish hers? Or maybe she just doesn’t realize that you can write at home and make money doing that. And um, WHO THE HELL IS SHE to define what a femenist is? AND WHO THE HELL IS SHE to determine who’s allowed into the party and who’s not?

    Why does a woman have to have a paycheck to be a strong role model? Is it actually impossible to be a strong role model if you don’t have a job? Does she really think so little of women that the only way for them to appear strong to their children is by being employed? Really? REALLY??? Her argument is you can’t be a strong role model because you’re not employed??? Sheesh. If she is interested in equality what would she say to me, a man, if you had the job and I stayed home with the kids? Would that make me a lesser man and you a better woman? I need to know the rules.

    And finally, I’m going to bring us back out of the world of ideology and into the living, breathing, tangible world. Our kids are 3 and 1. They’re not in school all day. They’re at home. So SOMEBODY has to be there to watch them. So I ask you Anne, how can we, as parents, instill ANY values in our children IF WE’RE NOT THERE?

    One final question, Anne. If my wife went back to work and we hired a female nanny, would that nanny be allowed to be a feminist? After all, she’s got a job, only it’s a job you seem to think only weak, passive, obsequious women do.

  3. You have a winner of a husbnad there! 🙂 You ought to keep him around. 🙂

  4. This post has been removed by the author.

  5. …and I’m really excited he used the word “obsequious” what a turn on.

    Wait…Am I allowed to be turned on by my husband being strong?

  6. Probably not – but since you are already such a rule breaker why not just go for broke!

  7. SAHF.

    Thank you.

    I posted about this today, and will edit to add a link here. You just said it so well. (

    Hopefully the ‘mommy-blogger’ haters who have been trailing me won’t trail over here. But if they do, I’m sure that you can give them a good SAHF ass-kicking.

  8. I’ve had a hard time with this issue lately. I have a job that only fairly recently became available to women, I have to fight every day to be taken seriously. It gets old. The fight for equality is far from over, I’m not sure it ever will be.
    I have the ability to choose to work or choose to stay at home (well, in theory anyway). THAT’S progress. The ability to choose.

    Anne, I get where you were going but I think you’re missing the forest for the trees. The Queen is teaching her daughter the most important lesson of all. She’s teaching her to follow her heart and do what she feels best for her family. If you can’t see that her walking away from a successful career to embrace a more important one isn’t feminism at its finest then I suggest you take a step back and re-focus.
    I hold two B.S. degrees and a Masters. I have an amazing job in a male dominated field. But if I had the ability I would walk away from it all tomorrow to home school my son. The point is that I can choose.

    Oh, and Kaiser? You rock!

  9. It is all about the opportunities we create for ourselves.

    We put ourselves in the position to HAVE THE CHOICE. You have chosen what is best for your family. If she doesn’t understand that then I feel sorry for her. She is the reason I think feminism has a bad name. Being pro-woman does not mean you cannot choose to stay at home with your children. It just means you don’t have to if you don’t want to. It means you don’t have to have children at all. It means we don’t have to be a nurse or a teacher. But it also means we can choose to be a nurse or a teacher on our own terms.

    I stay at home and I feel that it is a sacrifice. I have many friends who have chosen to stay at home (both men and women). We’re all doing what we feel is right for us. If she attacks you for that, then she just doesn’t get it.

  10. I wanted to clap and yell out loud when I read The Kaiser’s comment! It’s about time men stood up for us. I mean, my husband does, but he thinks computers are diseased, or something.

    I’m joining the ranks of SHF. I went to college (and I will probably go back), I had a great job, but I chose to raise my daughter. It’s harder than any other job I’ve ever had. So screw all you “Real Feminists”…you’re not allowed in our club. Hmmmph.

  11. Can I swear in here? Yes? Okay. Holy fucking crap! That lady is a c u next tuesday!

    Pardon my horrible language.

    Why do these “Feminists” like ANNE attack women for our choices? Did anyone else see that she claimed to have “fought to give you choices?” What…only the CHOICES SHE AGREES WITH??

    Sounds a bit like Anne has her panties in the bunch because she couldn’t be a SAHM. She’s jealous. Queen and Kaiser you are wonderful and I adore you both.

    And Anne, if you are reading this, my husband stays home with our son 3 days a week, (I’m with him 2 days a week and the other 2 he’s in daycare) so are you saying he’s a feminist too? I’m mean really, we both made sacrifices to be able to work and be with our son and my husband loves to “let me” work. Oh wait, that was my choice. The one you fought for.

    Sorry, I got a bit mad and rambled.

  12. I, like you Erin, WANT to stay home. It’s a choice I made. Back before feminism, it wasn’t a choice, now was it?

    A lot of working moms would love to trade places with us. A GIANT Fuck You to the idiot who wrote that email.

  13. Oh God, when will it end? Some women are so far right and some so far left that they can’t see what matters. The real feminists (like you) are the ones who realize it is about OUR choice, not about what a certain group says should be THE way.

  14. Your majesty….
    The Kaiser is my personal hero today! Not only did he defend your position to the N!th degree, he is a manly man! Tell her to kiss your ass in Macy’s window, with all the flood lights on!
    Signed…one of the ladies in waiting…

  15. Spectacular! You need t-shirts, banners, buttons and badges, all proclaiming SAHF (and her children) to the rafters. Go Queen, GO!

  16. Um, first of all, lusting after The Kaiser over here.

    I’m a working-outside-the-home-but-WISHING-every-day-to-be-a-SAHM-instead-Mom.

    We can’t afford it–it’s not the salary, it’s the health insurance. And no matter what your choices are, you’re going to be slammed by people like “Anne”, no matter what the angle is–it’s all guilt if you do, guilt if you don’t. My latest post is kind of laterally related to this one, in a weird, oblique way. I’ve been feeling both proud feminist feelings AND a good deal of internal backlash against the “blame the patriarchy” community. At some point, you have to LIVE YOUR LIFE, you know? How much fun do you think “Anne” is to live with? Wouldn’t you love to have THAT kind of condemning, superior attitude in your mother? Sheesh.

    In any case, and to use her own words, “Anne” is someone I’d be THRILLED not to “align myself with.” Thank you.

  17. I don’t think that I could add much more to the Kaiser’s rant. The simple fact is we’re a generation removed from those who had to burn bras and march. You have the choice to stay home, and you made the choice. *That* is freedom and equality for women, which is what I understand feminism to mean.

    Emily and I have two very different career paths. Our situation is such that Will spends a lot of time in a great daycare. But when the time comes for us to leave Pittsburgh, we’ll go to a city that works for BOTH of us, whereas in the past, that decision would be made by only one member of the family. There is feminism for you. It might also be called equality.

  18. Excellent post Queen.

    Excellent comment Kaiser.

    That about wraps me up.

  19. Anonymous says:

    Another post by mindless, Stepford, PAXIL taking drones. Keep popping those pills, and everything will be ok. You won’t have to break a nail or anything!

  20. Okay, I’m not sure what to make of the anonymous post. And I don’t get why anyone would post anonymously anyway. Slipshod reads and posts on regularly, and if anyone posts anonymously on there, instead of “anonymous,” the name that shows up is “Pansy Bedwetter.” ha ha ha!

    Anyway – hell yeah, Queen AND Kaiser! My impression was the same as Dana’s – that apparently in Anne’s eyes one is only allowed to call oneself a feminist if one uses the rights Anne fought for EXACTLY AS ANNE SEES FIT. Apparently she was fighting for the right to work in the corporate world, and if you don’t, well by god you’re not a feminist.

    I don’t get the complete blocking out of the future. As the Kaiser pointed out, who says you can’t and/or won’t go back to work later? It’s not so black-and-white that once you choose to be a SAHM, you’re stuck at home forever. Plus, it’s always been my feeling that children’s parents are the best people to raise them, so I think that one of the parents staying home with the children, at least when they’re little, is the responsible way to go.

    Now – check this out. For me “going back to work” when the kids are a little bit older is going to mean getting out my pottery wheel and soapmaking gear and getting the website up and running again. But I will be doing all of that at home. So what does that make me? Am I still a failure as a woman, because I’ll still be at home and not out breaking balls in the corporate world?

  21. Screw whoever the hell that woman is!

    First off…you and Kaiser totally kick ass! Seriously! Your kids are lucky to have TWO brilliant parents.

    Correct me if I’m wrong, but I thought the feminist movement was meant to give women more choice and control over their lives.

    I’ll join your group! Where’s the membership form?

    Also….what is with these anonymous commentors? Grow some balls already!!!

  22. OK, I’ll give her credit for not hiding behind “anonymous”, as a previous commenter here did. But that’s about all I’ll give her credit for.

    The beauty of feminism is that we have a choice as to what we do! If we choose to stay home with our kids, it’s all part of that choice.

    And last I checked, Erin, weren’t you writing for three blogs other than your own? I’m assuming those are paid writing gigs, right? (at least some of them) So you are still working, just as a freelance writer, which works perfectly for your choice to be home with your kids.

    And, as I commented on Her Bad Mother’s blog, why must everyone be so black-and-white when it comes to SAHM and WOHM? There is no law that prevents you from venturing out into the “working world” when your kids are older. Motherhood is a continuous, fluid position.

    I only wish I could be a SAHM (or a SAHF, as you put it so brilliantly). For now, I will settle for being a part-time SAHM, and be proud of the choices I’ve made.

    I’m ready for those t-shirts now. Hell, I’ll even work on a design for a SAHF one, if you want.

  23. See, and here I thought feminism was about equality, not about simply plowing through the corporate world like a train.

    When Cordy was born, Christina was supposed to be able to telecomute. Yes, she was going to work full time and be a stay at home mom. Amazing, huh?

    Wait, it gets better. I was planning to switch to telecommuting as well so that I could work full time and be a stay at home dad.

    Then our company ditched telecommuting. So we had to make a decision. We couldn’t afford daycare. It made better financial sense to go to part-time and have one of us stay with her. For various reasons that I don’t really feel like going into, it made better long term sense for Christina to stay home.

    It was never about “her role”. It was never about “I’m the man, so I should work.” Hell, I am jealous as hell of her for the time she gets with Cordy that I don’t. But that’s the way things go.

    I mean, ok, sure. I’m male. I can’t understand the oppression that women go through in this world. I’ll confess that right up front. But I consider my marriage an equal partnership. There isn’t a single responsibility that Christina and I have that was assigned because “This is the man’s job” or “This is thw woman’s job” (aside from the biological “Ok, I guess you’re going to have to carry the baby for 9 1/2 months. And produce her food with your body.” But Christina did pump, and we evenly split those 3 a.m. feedings.)

    Queen, I’ve never met you, I just read the blog from time to time. But you seem to me to be a smart, strong, sassy woman. You seem to be as liberated as any person I know, and in my book, you set a damn fine example for your kids, both the Princess and the Count.

  24. That Anne “lady” suffers from delusions of grandeur – who died and made her queen of the feminists?


    Anyways, people are always jealous of those that have the courage to live on their own terms.

    I want a Stay-At-Home Feminist shirt! Who’s making them?

  25. The Kaiser is on it.

    T-shirts and other fun things are on the way.

    Gotta love my husband.

  26. Watch out. It’s late, I’m tired, cranky, and needing sex.

    Interesting idea that people like Anne “fought to give you the option” and when you choose the fucking option that you want, she gets pissed.

    Did I say I was cranky? I forgot to mention my love of the word ‘fuck’ when I’m cranky.

    That doesn’t sound like an option at all. It sounds like you didn’t behave how she wanted you to and is therefore kicking you out of the feminist club. That is not a club that REAL feminists belong to, Anne. They are choices and you failed to remember that Erin *has* them and makes them ON HER FUCKING OWN WITHOUT YOUR INPUT.


    That felt good.

    Oh, and Erin? I do love you from the bottom of my FEMINIST HEART for making it possible for Aimee to attend BlogHer this summer. I’ve left her a message over there to get in touch with me (and thus, you). Now *that* is feminisim at its best. Supporting other women.

    Sorry. That’s “supporting other fucking women.”

  27. What bothers me so much about all of this is the shortsightedness of the whole discussion. What you’re doing NOW in your life may or may not be what you’re doing next year, or in 5 years, or in 10 years. As your family grows and changes, your choices might as well. You don’t HAVE to be locked into a WOTH or SAH framework forever. You can do what works for your family at any given moment, knowing that nothing is static and things change all the time.

    I’ve been a work in the home, work outside the home, work part time outside the home, stay at home mom, and now a part time work at home, full time SAH mom. I’ve got it all, too. I’m home every single day when my kids get home from school, I have a life of my own as well as sharing the lives of my kids.

    What you are doing today could or could not change, but railing about other women’s lifestyles and choices is just dumb in my book!

  28. You also need an “I support SAHFs” category. ‘Cuz I’m totally with you, and wish I WAS you, but I have to work. Which is totally NOT my choice, but my reality…hmmm. What does “real feminism” do for me in that situation?

  29. I think Sarah may have hit the nail on the head up there with the “she’s the reason I think feminism has a bad name.”

    I support moms who work, who don’t work, WHATEVER! As long as they are doing their best to be a good mom first.

    That might be part of this issue. Being a good mother comes first for many of us. I wonder if being a nontraditional, uberfeminist woman comes first for others. Like, the cause is bigger than their family, kind of thing.

    By the way…I’m also in love with all boys named Aaron today. Did you guys see Christina’s hubby jump into the fray too???

    Except maybe Aaron Spelling, he’s a little old…or maybe Aaron Brothers framing…because they charge too much for matting.

  30. Bizarre that a stranger would actually take the time to write you and tell you how you’ve not lived up to her expectations isn’t it?

    Women like Anne always make me think, “hey, maybe I’m not a feminist then…” But I really think it’s more a generational issue than a feminist issue. My own mother is mortified that I’ve been at home for five years now (some days I am too!). But no matter what I say or do, I can NOT make her understand that my marriage is a partnership, not a power struggle. She just can NOT comprehend it.

    Maybe that’s where this fucking (I added that just to fit in) hag Anne is coming from too…

    Oh and great post, btw, I couldn’t agree more. I was going to write about this topic today but ended up skipping it, and you did it much better than I would have!

  31. I haven’t worked for 3 1/2 years, partly by choice and partly by life just happening… and now our business is setup and off I go to teach yoga… but I still consider myself a stay-at-home mom more…

    No regrets…

    I have had ignorant fools like that idiot who emailed you tell me that there is no way I can be a feminist when my husband makes more than me and is the one who carries us.

    He makes more than me because he studied and applied himself more and based on that, he deserves it… my vagina and my decision to stay at home played no role in that… I know it does in society, but not between my husband and I and our respective professions…

    He cooks, I don’t because I don’t like to. I clean, he doesn’t because he doesn’t like to. He is as active with the children as I am AND a feminist and psssst email-lady… he has a penis! *GASP*

    Bottomline is this… feminism has nothing to do with how much you earn and whether you work or not… feminism is not about hating men and thinking them assholes if they open the door for you…. feminism is not about whether you are submissive or not….

    Feminism is about having the CHOICE to live your life the way you want to! A woman who opts to be the typical 50s housewife (which I am not and neither is the Queen) is as much of a feminist as I if it is her choice to lead her life that woman….

    Got it email idiot? Probably not but see if I care!

    Erin, great post and don’t let idiots like that get to you! Dress your daughter up and have her raise hell as delightfully as her amazing mama! I got me one mini feminist at home and I’ll be damned if she is told to not have a voice because of something as ludicrous as my ass being home more than at work!

  32. Ok.

    Step back.

    I’m not even considered a “feminist” and I’m offended. LMAO. I’m laughing so hard I’m nearly in tears.

    How lame.

    I loved my job. When I was on my own with my son I had to work and I enjoyed it. However, my sons health was failing and he was in the doctors office 9 times one month for various infections and illnesses. He came home with bumps, bruises, and flesh wounds that were unexplained for a long time. He was in one of the “best” day cares in my area but it didn’t work. When my husband proposed he and had been watching my son, who he also fell in love with, fall apart he asked if I’d like to be home instead of working. At first that was hard to accept. Then it was hard to let go of that part of me but honestly, it was the best decision I ever made. My son hasn’t been to the doctor in almost a year except for a check up. He is happy. More confident. He’s now, at 3 1/2 reading and writing as I work with him every day. I’m more calm and not flipping out.

    I intend to go back to work when this babe in my belly is in school. But I feel no more shame in taking time to raise my kids. Do you know almost everyone from my old work snubbed me after I decided to stay home? Like you said, isn’t that what women have fought for? To have the f’in choice? My husband knows I can make a darn good living but he’s watched the difference in my son and is 100 % by my side.

    He’d also be by my side if I wanted to go back to work.

    Kaiser said everything else better than I could say it. And hell, I’m not in your group—- I’m sure I wouldn’t even be aloud to peek in the window but I’ll wear your gear.

    How lame.

    Great post. And with everything in you, choose to put her out of your head.

    What a rad husband you have there and a beautiful family. A family that you get one chance to see grow as much as they have and are in the next few years.

    The blessing is yours,

  33. Dear Anne,

    As a feminist, full-time working mom with a stay at home dad to our daughter, I’d like to tell you that you have it wrong. Feminism was never about what you MUST do, it’s what you can do. My mother was at the forefront of the feminist movement in the 70s with a collection of Ms Magazines up to your neck, and she chose to stay home with me until I was school-age. Ask her why and she’ll tell you: because raising your own children and instilling your (feminist) values in them isn’t such a bad thing.

    Feel free to read about it here.

    Real blessings because I think yours were delivered facetiously,

    (And the “club?” Love it. Even if I don’t officially qualify to join.)

  34. Never posted and have yet to read through all of the comments.

    I’m not a feminist by self-definition, but part of that is because of situations like this one.

    I’m slightly confused that “Feminism” is treated like a branch of Girl Scouts. Or, er, uhm the Green Baret’s, I mean. That’s probably more Fem-friendly. There’s oaths and rules, do’s and don’t, women who fought battles and refuse to let anyone in to the territory they “conquered.” This isn’t my understanding of the philosophy.

    Feminism is an organic, growing, changing phenomenon. What a woman was angling for in the 70s is not what a woman is angling for today and – like any “ism” – it’s going to branch off, be made personal and take root in some ways while not others. When someone starts posting rules about appropriate feminist behaviors, attitudes and – for fuck’s sake – bringing down the hammer on a child’s pro-Fem tshirt, man, we’re just creating bland pop culture type feminine expectations.

    *No one* should feel bad because of someone elses’ personal, political, social or institutional affiliation. There needs to be a little respect up in this mug for women who are going at things *their* way. Queen, go on girl, do what you do. And Anne, same to you. But waging a battle against women who stay home with their children is counterproductive. Who said feminism was getting a job?


    p.s. Rasta’s (as in Rastafari) eschew any “isms” because they think it means that their belief system has become institutionalized. I think they’re on to something.

  35. See, this is why those of us who DO believe in equal rights, equal treatment and equal pay for all races, sexes, etc. have such a hard time. People who want to sit and make up the “rules” that allow you to fit into these “categories” like “feminist.” I have never been one to call myself a feminist b/c of people like Anne. Women who scream anger and judgment in the name of the “cause.” I, too, have struggled with being a SAHM and still wanting more. Not that I’m unhappy being at home with my 2 year old – actually I’m grateful for it. Yes, my husband supports me. Financially, emotionally and in any other way I need. Does that make me weak? I’m going to graduate school so that I can go back to the working world part-time in a few years. Guess what… he’ll still make more money… Does that make my job less worthwhile b/c it’ll be part-time? Isn’t the whole point of feminism to show the world that women can and should do what they choose for their own lives, get paid accordingly or acknowledged accordingly… and find respect and happiness? If that means being at home or being at work or both – does it really matter? Isn’t this all about the big picture.

    Anne – i don’t know you but what you said was cruel and backwards and to me – women like you take the “cause” back two steps. Queen is doing what she wants – that’s not about “roles” – it’s about choices. Same for me. Choice. When we can stop worrying about who’s in the “club” and just BE women, whatever women we want to be… then we have succeeded.

  36. RIGHT ON, ERIN. can i join when i CHOOSE to have children? can my husband join if he CHOOSES to stay home?

    you. kick. ass.

  37. Give ’em hell. Feminism is about intelligent choices, not about replacing one dominant paradigm with another. The old patriarchy said that women should stay home with the kids (and have more and more kids to increase the population of the “right” people). Feminism when it first appeared was about giving women alternate choices, and making it okay for women to choose careers — or to allow men to stay home with the kids, or for both parents to work. It was not all about saying that women have to rush out and become CEOs or be “just a housewife” (look, I did NOT marry a house).

  38. Shawna S says:

    What the hell? How on earth can you tell someone they’re not a feminist? Bizzare. My mom raised my sister and me and that was her job and she did a damn fine job of it. My mom and I are very close and I doubt I would have had that relationship with her if she hadn’t been around when I got home from school every day. Now that I’m done with college and working and my sister is finishing up high school and has a driver’s license my mom went back to work. Because she wanted to. And how brave is that after having been out of the workforce for 25 years?

    The first thing I thought of when I read Anne’s comments was the idea of hiring a nanny – some other woman is going to have to take care of your kids now? This makes you a better feminist? It’s a struggle either way! – or a cleaning lady (and my god how I felt for my mom when she made that decision. She’s so conflicted about it). There are no easy answers. Every choice is a struggle. I can’t imagine having a family and working right now. I can barely take care of myself! But the important thing about a feminist community is that people can discuss their concerns and help each other through the struggles. There is no place for name-calling and accusations here.

    I can’t imagine becoming as strong a third-wave feminist as I am today without witnessing my mom’s choices and having her discuss them with me. I don’t think I’d choose to do what she did, but I understand and love her endlessly for it.

    Thanks for the post, Erin, and all the comments everyone!

  39. it’s all been said, but that comment is so laughingly simplistic and insulting to all of us feminists, it makes me want to spit.

    it’s just another example of how the sexist attitudes about “women’s work” as subordinate and of lesser import than “careers” (read “male work”) are perpetuated by our own kind.

    that lady can go fight the good fight elswhere, or maybe go and check out to GET A REALITY CHECK…


  40. I am currently a SAHM, and have been struggling with the decision. Thank you for the post. You have expressed my feelings on staying at home better than I ever could.

  41. Hi there, new to your blog. Awesome post. I am a fellow SAHF (if I may borrow the phrase).You summed up many of my feelings in your post and your last paragraph says it all. That *is* exactly what feminism is. Freedom. They don’t get that they are the ones doing feminism a disservice by denying us the choices that were so hard won by our predecessors. I wrote a piece about this recently myself, and it provoked a lot of discussion, some it heated.

    Hope you don’t mind if I blogroll you. :?)

  42. What an amazing post. And the comments!

    You’ve got yourself a good man there.

    Wait– is it un-feminist to tell a woman she’s got herself a good man? I don’t want to get kicked out of the club…

    Well, I’ve got myself a good man, too. And I’ve got to say that when you’ve got a good man in your life, it’s a lot easier to let the ignorant barbs of some bitter fucktard just roll right off your shoulders.

    Ah. Great, great post.

  43. After reading this post and all of the comments, I Googled the definition of Feminism. And found out there really isn’t one. There is no single definition of what it means to be a feminist. The word itself seems to stand for an entire collection of social theories, political movements, and moral philosophies (source:Wikipedia).

    Arguing with someone about whether or not they are a Feminist is like arguing about politics, or religion. We’ll all be better off if we just respect everyone’s right to their own opinion. First, the “Mommy Wars”, now THIS. I say enough already. Let’s get back to talking about our boobs or something.

  44. It saddens me, that as a middle aged lesbian feminist who has indeed fought for women’s equality, that so many of us on both “sides” still view the issue as black and white.

    The nasty grrl may have fought for you to have the right to live your life HER way. This feminist fought for you to have the right to make your own choices and to have the opportunity to make those choices freely.

    I love mommie blogs. I stand in awe of the women with more than 2 brain cells to rub together who choose to mold the future of their children and of the world by doing so at home.

    The right to equality does not mean the right to force all women into the work force where they must achieve greatness in male dominated fields. It simply means, among other things, that we have the right to do so should we choose to go that route.

    I have received my own snubs for choosing to work in a female dominated profession. How can an intelligent, well educated, and sophisticated woman choose to empty bed pans?

    Good grief, people who say things like that to me just show how stupid and uninformed they truly are about the world in general.

  45. Great post. I want to be a SAHF!!!

  46. One feminism bummer is that there’s always a better feminist out there. You can never be a good enough feminist, a Perfect Feminist. You wear makeup. Or you don’t wear makeup but your hair is too long. Or your hair is short but you sleep with men. Or you don’t sleep with men but you once slept with a man. And on and on and on down to the undies. I hate to say it, but it’s not surprising that women invented this.

    First, woman, please cut the shit or we’ll have no movement left. Second, will people stop making politics all about individual personal behavior? We’re not going to save the world by recycling. Or going to work and leaving our kids in daycare. Or [insert personal lifestyle choice here]. It’s just not going to happen. That’s just self-righteous bullshit.

  47. New to your blog and I love it!

    What a hypocrite. She says she fought for us – our generation – so we would have a choice, but she meant as long as we choose the path that she wants us to choose. It makes her no better than those who put her down for her choices.

    Reading her words, I can’t help but to think that maybe she’s got a few regrest of her own. But, instead of just owning that, somehow it makes her feel better to hurt you.

    I’m sorry you were hurt by her words. It’s about her and her issues. It’s not you.

  48. Anonymous says:

    Raising a kid is a FANTASTIC opportunity. I feel bad for her boys because it’s evident she failed to teach them that while she was so busy “proving herself.”
    Give me a break, Anne.


  49. Oh that’s just ridiculous. Anne objects to cooking and cleaning? What, is she starving in squalor?

    We all have our reasons for the choices we make. Personally, I don’t make my choices based on whether or not they will gain me entrance to a particular club or allow me to label myself with impunity. Anne’s statement that “You are NOT one of us” is laughable.

  50. This whole discussion should be about choices not about what we “have to do.” However, not everyone has these choices. There are plenty of women and men that are not choosing to work; they have to work, whether they have kids or not. Does that make you a feminist if you are working because if you don’t you will be on welfare?

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