Forget Xenu, We’ve got Clark

Baby Crack. That’s what we call it in our house.

Do your kids freeze when a puppet walks across the tv screen? Do their jaws drop open, drool dribbling down their chins as a wind-up duck quacks and waddles from right to left on the boob tube??

Yeah, you’re a Clarkian. Welcome to the cult.

Julie Clark is the L. Ron Hubbard of us parents. We pop in her DVD’s and bow to the message that toys are much more fun to watch on television. Pictures of apples are fascinating. And when the puppets come on, it might as well be Jesus walking on water.

Julie is from my former hood. She was a stay-at-home Mom. In, might I add, a pretty nice neighborhood. Now, you can call her media mogul.

So it’s no wonder we are all addicted to the Baby Einstein conglomerate. We must believe everything Julie tells our children is gospel. For we too, wish to be stay-at-home media moguls. Or at least find a way to make millions while not disrupting the very reasons we chose to stay-at-home with our children.

Therefore we worship Julie. She’s livin’ the dream. She plopped a Jack-in-the-Box infront of a camera and BAM! infants were instantly hypnotized and mothers everywhere smacked their foreheads, wishing they had done it first.

So how do we become good Clarkians? First we must take the oath:

I solemnly swear to hatch harebrained schemes on a weekly basis
Ones that promise riches beyond my wildest dreams, but never
interfere with the raising of the chilrins’.
I will make my husband’s eyes roll with every scheme
And when I finally am successful, I will rub it in his face
while we roll in money.

Personally, I’m doing my part by blogging everywhere possible. Will there be a book deal? Syndication? A windfall from the blogging Gods (formerly the dotcom Gods) when blogging reaches Microsoft status? Maybe. But it makes my husband’s eyes roll. And YOU KNOW Mr. Clark shook his head when Julie came home from yet another Starbucks playgroup and said “let’s video the kids in costumes playing with toys!”

So I have to be on to something.


  1. Gee. I must have missed that one at the video store 🙂

  2. So if I keep blogging, I could be rich? You might be on to something. First I have to remember to blog about new, refreshing stuff….sometimes the concept is exhausting!


  3. Oooo we LOVE the Baby Crack around here! I ordered all 19 DVD’s from eBay after we already had 8 of the VHS tapes and the VCR pooped out on us. The music is captivating enough for Troll Baby to be engaged while I can tune it out and write/design, etc.

  4. Ah, my husband is convinced that it’s all Japanese brainwash, but that doesn’t stop us from having it in our home!

  5. Its things like Baby Einstein that make me glad the twins are now (almost)5…

    (And Dude…I take a mini-break and you end up all over the internet! Everyone’s gabbing about you, you SHF…LOL)

  6. Ha ha ha! Hmm. Sweet Pea was addicted to Baby Einstein for a few short months as a baby. We got the Neptune DVD as a 1st birthday gift. But she stopped being the least bit interested in it quite a long time ago. So it doesn’t work so well around here, lol. Now, Ms. Spider’s Sunny Patch Friends is QUITE a different story! I love Noggin.

  7. After all of our friends had such great luck with Baby Einstein, we got several of the DVDs for Cordy. Ha. What a waste of money. She doesn’t even give them a second glance. She’s the only child in the world immune to Baby Einstein.

    However, the Wiggles have been her boy band from 4 months on! Although lately Jack’s Big Music Show is starting to make an impression as well.

    I agree, we just need to think of the next big thing, and we’ll be rich and famous. Someday I’ll think of the next big thing, but I’m sure I’ll forget it before I can write it down.

  8. Ugh! Baby Einstein is owned by Disney so that’s a biiiiiiig NO-NO in our house. Just another brainwashing and money-grubbing tactic…DON’T fall for it!

  9. Actually, Julie Clark sold Baby E to Disney after it became wildly successful. She made MILLLLLLIIONS on the deal.

    I will happily sell the Queen and her Royal Family for MILLLLIONS.

    Who wants a blog about toddler erections and belly flab? Anyone? Anyone?

  10. Laurie Berkner is the wonder woman of the tv to my kids. We’re always dinosaurs marching around and chasing each other screaming I’m gonna catch you, you better run. Oh the fun days.

  11. The Baby E. vids are great. Or were, at least when my daughter was watching them 4 years ago. Now “they’re for babies.”

    Teletubies… Now that’s disgusting.

  12. I think this is one of those situations where I need the *** that shows I’m actually being sarcastic.

  13. OMG- Baby Crack has saved us soooo… many times. What did parents do before it

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