Holding Court-the letters

Dear QofS,

Aren’t you worried your daughter will grow and be disgusted by your open dicussion of her “rubbing” on toys? Just you wait until she can talk back. I bet you she will move out before she is 18.

You are an idiot,


Dear Gem,

I am sure open and honest discussion about masturbation scares the hell out of you. Buy a vibrator and get back to me. I’m guessing your kids are repressed and seething or rebelling by fucking animals.

All my love,



You don’t know what you are talking about. Hummers are trucks, just like a million other types of trucks on the road. My Hummer even goes off road. And my girlfriend thinks it is HOT. You are just upset that you can not afford a Hummer. What do they pay writers these days?


Dearest Small Dick Jim,

Your girlfriend is using you. Let me guess, you also have a cartoon character tattooed (or tribal armband?) on your shoulder, you listen to Korn, and you mysteriously always seem to be rooting for the winning team? You drive that Hummer, but still have the same couch you pissed on in college, right?

Sweetie. I’m the Queen. I could buy and sell you. Twice. But I’m sure it would bore me, so I’ll have my pool boy dispose of you.



and last, but not least…

Queen of Spain Blog,

You are not cool. Your swearing does not make you part of the popular crowd. You are just trying to get attention and I think you are sad. Your writing is marginal. Sometimes you are funny, but you have not been funny in a long time. Stop trying to be Dooce.She gets hits and you get 200 uniques a day. that is nothing.


Dear R40Jr,

Umm…ok there IP why the 10 page views today? 8 yesterday? 16 on Monday and 4 last Friday? Admit it. You love me. And you are my bitch.Smooch,



  1. Queen,
    You rock the house. You’re responses to these people are awesome. Do you ever watch “House,M.D.”? Your answers remind me of something he (his character) would say to patients that are being idiots.
    Keep up the good work. I get my daily chuckle from you and work (teaching) starts again very soon and I’ll need that chuckle more than ever.

  2. OOOOH!!! I want to be part of the popular crowd….WHAT THE FUCK is up with all of this hate? If everyone would just lighten up and have sex with animals…stuffed animals, that is…the world would be such a happy place.

  3. Hey, how did you figure out that ip address stuff?

    You are my investigating hero. No wonder you won all those awards.

  4. I just love hate mail and coming up with fun responses. Those trolls need to go fuck themselves. Seriously. Oops, I guess by using the f-word I was trying to get into the cool group.

    Great answers to these people. I’ve never understood why people keep reading if they have a problem with an author. You see that “x” up in the right-hand corner? Use it, morons.

  5. Hey, how do I get my own hate mail?

  6. Queen of Spain says:

    I haven’t gotten any in a long time. And suddenly it was like an avalance.

    I’m guessing its the Huffington Post exposure.

  7. Queen of Spain says:

    Oh, and I tracked back to last person to click on my “contact” button up there. And myseriously it matched up very close in time to when I got that email. The rest was easy.

  8. You have haters! How exciting. You’re in the big time, now.

  9. Queen of Spain says:

    Part of me thinks this is just you guys screwing with me.

    Part of me is really amused.

    Part of me is wondering if I should double check the alarm on my house.

  10. dude, I love you.

    haters, you re totally the cool kid in class now. can I be in your clique? can I can I can I???

  11. haters, keep on hating.
    queen, keep on queening.

    (to paraphrase dave chappelle)

  12. WWWHHHAAAAAA???????

    Do people actually have so much free time to write blog hate mail?



    Um, if I don’t like a blog… I move on.

    People need to get lives.

    Cheers girl. You know I’d be here more if you know, i had more sleep and free hands to type as they are occupied by baby kidlins LOL….

    Much love girl.

  13. Okay but I like Korn. Let’s go easy on the Korn, my Twisted Transistor.
    I can’t believe you get hate mail.
    People just need to move on if they don’t like you.
    I don’t go around their right wing fundamentalist christian blogs posting stuff about how much I like a big cock, now do I?
    It’s just bad manners, writing hate mail.

  14. That’s hilarious. Congrats on your hate mail! Just proves that you’re really hitting a nerve on issues that people need to deal with. I think if you get hate mail, you know you’ve made it.

  15. You are my queen and I bow to you.
    That you get hate mail makes me soooo frakking jealous.

    I read that post about your em…rubbings.
    My daughter isn’t there yet.
    My son just likes to hang things from his erect penis.

    I do have memories and will perhaps one day blog em if I am drunk enough…..

    but in the mean time….


  16. I was hoping for one that went “Deer Queene of Spayne, U R a bad mother 4 writing about ur preshus baybee like that. U shud stop riting this blog. U suck.”

    And Gidge is hilarious!

  17. On the up side, maybe your daughter will figure out how to have an orgasm before she is 21, which is more than I can say for my dumbass self.

    Whenever I see a Hummer, I think “small penis.” Even if a woman is driving it.

    Kids, I have been in the presence of the Queen of Spain. And she IS cool. When you meet her in person, there will be NO DOUBT about that.

  18. Good grief! And I thought I had no life! Even I don’t go around writing hate mail to bloggers!

    Personally, I think that your daughter will grow up to be a lot like her mama – strong, sexy, funny, and intelligent (in no particular order). She’s lucky to have you.

    Keep on keepin’ on Queen, you’re amazing.

  19. I just don’t get assholes like these! So… I guess we should fuck the environment, repress our daughters while we ourselves regress back to the 50’s huh?

    I say “Good Golly Gosh” this up your collective asses?

    Queen, how’s that for being “ladylike”? 😉

    Bohemians everywhere applaud you my friend!

  20. You rock! Those are great responses to the morons of the blogosphere.

  21. Yay! I can read all the comments now! Hooray!


    I agree with SpartanFan, you do have some Dr. House similarities. You both say it like it is and I love it!

  22. What I still can’t figure out is how these people have so much time on their hands – first to read a blog they think isn’t worthwhile, and then to send you email about it. Maybe if they are at loose ends they can come by my house; I could use some help with the floors.

  23. Queen of Spain says:

    Seriously. I really think it was the Huffington Post thing. Because now that my stuff isn’t up on the front page, the email has stopped.

    To be fair, I also got some love mail. But that wasn’t nearly as fun.

  24. I just wrote, on the 24th, I think, about the baffling, to me, phenomenon of people spending SO MUCH of their precious time on websites that they proclaim to hate. I just…I mean–well, I don’t get it.

    And I have never, in my life, taken time out of my own precious life to send a personal hate (or even strong dislike) mail or email to any individual. Believe me, if I didn’t send one to Tom Cruise last year, I’ll never send one to anybody.

  25. This is my first time here but I’m going to tell everybody about it because I feel that I’ve struck gold.

    Tell anybody who thinks otherwise to come over and bite me.

    May I ask why you are the Queen of Spain? Because if it’s why I think it might be why I would love you even harder.

  26. Right on!

  27. Holy shit – the haters are out in full force. I can’t wait until school starts because I’m sick of all the childishness. Asshats.

    Great responses, Dr. House.

    Love ya, bizatch!

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