Childless VS. Chaos-Tips for Visitors

Let’s just say you’ve been invited to hang with the Royal Family. Aside from being awestruck at the chance to hang with such greatness, you are also a little nervous about those small people running around their house.

You know, the kids. Those sticky, loud, pooping things YOU currently don’t have.

Here are a few tips for you, if you should find yourself in the midst of the Chaos in Suburbia that is our happy home.

#1 Should you happen to be employed in a SUPER COOL job, you might want to mention to the Queen and Kaiser that the kids need not know about this super cool job. But since the Queen likes to talk too much, Count Waffles will be VERY excited you are coming and DEMAND you do CIRCUS TRICKS on your day off. So make sure you warm up before ringing the doorbell-those hands can’t walk on themselves and this will be a full scale performance.

#2 It’s best if the children believe you to be MUTE. And a little deaf. If they actually think you will speak to them, they will ask you exactly 344 questions per minute, including:

Why is your belt all spikey

Why is your hair like that

Why do you not live here

Why do you talk that way

Why aren’t you looking at me

Why do you say silly things

Why are you laughing

#3 Expect to be politely corrected for saying “hell.” It’s “heck” in this house. Oh, “fuck” is frowned upon as well, and the Queen will shoot you a dirty look while you, embarrassed, catch yourself and try to gloss over the new word you’ve taught the Count and Princess.

#4 Conversations with any adult in the house will be loud, interrupted frequently, and haphazard. The Queen and Kaiser will continue their story while looking directly at you while the children scream, jump, and throw things for your attention. The Queen and Kaiser carry on as though none of this is going on, leaving you to wonder if you should be looking at the kids, the adults, both, or neither. If you are not used to talking to an adult while also half talking to a child, practice at home before coming.

#5 You will leave confused, exhausted, slightly buzzed, full, and happy. Baby girls will throw their arms around you for a good night hug, small boys will demand you return tomorrow to perform yet another handstand, and two adults will be thrilled to have the best man at their wedding turn up after so many lost years.

#6 Stop on your way back to your tour bus for more condoms.


  1. Sounds like you had a great visit, new cuss words learned aside. It is always fun visiting my friends with kids, the last time I had to read 11 books to my cousin’s child. No joke. His mother walked back in the room and just laughed that I got conned into reading all of them at once. I hope he can come back soon and perform more tricks.

  2. Circus tricks? Cool…

  3. Forget the kids, if they work for Cirque du Soleil I’d be asking them to perform something.

  4. I still can’t believe we know somebody that works in Cirque Du Soleil.

  5. oh sounds like you all had a great time!! lol

  6. This also works for people with only ONE child…..and think that their kids would and never will act like that!

  7. You know some of the most interesting people!

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