I love California. It means sunshine, hippies,

and fresh seafood.

…and by fresh, I mean Houseboy handed me a box of blinking, pinching, wiggling crabs yesterday. For dinner. For me, to kill. For dinner.

I had to kill dinner.

Is this suddenly 1802? Why am I killing the night’s meal?

I like my dinners prepackaged and eye-less. I really like them when they don’t move. But the whole looking at me AND moving thing made me uncomfortable enough to consider pizza.

But, being the carnivore that I am, I knew what had to be done. The crabs had to die.

I had hid them from the children so they didn’t end up named. 6lbs of crab is easier to kill than Pinchy, Reddy, and Pinchy 2.

I should probably take the time to tell you that fresh crab is perhaps my most favorite food on earth. I actually moan when I eat crab. The Kaiser will skillfully crack large portions, hand them to me and say “…because I love you so much.” The man gives ME his big pieces. That is love, people.

I understand they are animals. I understand they are dead animals. But I, personally, have never had to kill anything. And it actually crossed my mind as I took the crabs out of the box and into the pot that this might taint my crab eating. I might actually NOT be able to bring myself to eat them after steaming in beer and spices.

I made sure they were asleep (short time in the freezer to get them all coma-like, thank you Alton Brown) before ending their lives. I made sure it was quick and painless. But I watched that pot for a good 5 minutes feeling pretty damn guilty I had just murdered the creatures inside.

…then my husband handed me a big piece of claw…

Crisis over. I killed dinner, and liked it.

But Karma is a bitch and I do have a nice crab-inflicted gash on my left thumb. My penance. I can live with that. And my new found feeling of being Queen of the animal kingdom. I am Queen of Spain. I will murder and EAT you, lowly being. I am QUEEN!

I’m going back to the kitchen to eat my veggie burrito now.


  1. Kaiser did the very thing my favorite all-time billboard said: “Surprise her with crabs!”


  2. Queen of Spain says:

    Yet another reason Suebob rules.

  3. That sounds vaguely like how my Mom LOVES the food that I cook. LOVES. (At 26, I have finally decided to learn…I’m pretty good, if I say so myself). I am, however, a bit of a purist…I prefer fresh veggies that I chop, I skin my own salmon…And I clean my own shrimp. If I’m cleaning shrimp, Mom leaves the kitchen, saying that if she watches, she’ll never eat them ever again.

    She’s so cute…

  4. ‘surprise her with crabs’ — lol.

    You really are a queen. Merciless crab killah. White meat from the Kaiser. Probably wipe your buttered hands on the backs of dogs eating scraps under your table.

    Meanwhile, I’m trying to get out of frozen Trader Joe’s burritos and eat more fresh stuff. Crab meat included, I guess. But can you come kill it for a girl?

  5. Queen of Spain says:

    Yes. Yes I can. I think. Get me drunk first, then it will be easier this time.

  6. I’m going to be laughing for the rest of the night about Suebob’s line.

    And you, my dear, are a queen among queens – killing your dinner. Anything for a moan, I say.

  7. CRABS!!! I’m surrounded on three sides by water and I can’t remember the last time I had crabs….

    You lucky lucky lady, you…


  8. I moan when I eat crab too. “The man gives ME his big pieces.”

    I bet he does, Panama Red.

  9. Queen of Spain says:

    tee hee hee hee hee hee

  10. Bloddy heck, I HATE it when you get crab juice in a cut.. OUCH! And it stays red and sore for so long… Good luck with that.

  11. Queen! I suddenly like you MORE now that I know you referenced Alton. He’s one of my Food Network favorites. People think I’m a dork because I like AB.

    Anyway….yay on the crab killin’…can we come over for dinner? Doug likes you now because you cook. I apparently don’t cook. But whatev…….

  12. Queen of Spain says:

    Yes, Doug. I cook. I cook well too. I’m a Polish food makin’ meat and potatoes kinda gal. You will never leave this house hungry.

    But let’s not mince words here Dana…Doug likes me because of GBlow Job Day.

    Oh, and I don’t bake. So that might kill any fantasy you have.

  13. You are much tougher than I am (probably why you are the Queen). If it had come home alive I would have named it. I am glad you had a great dinner. Suebob’s comment killed me.

  14. Brave lady. I don’t think I could face all the sharp bits in a live crab.

  15. Mmmm… fresh crabs are awesome. We catch and kill them outselves every summer. 😛

    Just blogexploded my way by

  16. Chicks who kill their dinner make me all tingley i side.

  17. You crack me up! I’m not a seafood eater, but I just laughed my ass off through this entire story!

  18. All bow to the Queen!

  19. I thought that I was the only one who moaned while eating crab!!! LOL

    Oh, btw: Crabs are not animals. They are crustaceans. Like a sea spider or something 😉

  20. HA HA HA, that is the greatest!!!

  21. Ha! I just recently switched to carnivore from vegetarian. I thought I’d be afraid of scenarios like this in which I’d forced to face it and accept that I’m eating something that could once move autonomously.

    But nope. Turns out it doesn’t bother me.

    At all.

  22. Yes, that is RIGHT he liked you FIRST because you do blow jobs. Errr…for the KAISER…

    …and I am blushing…and shutting up….

    But what I meant to say was that he also loves you more because you’re not afraid of crabs……

    Errr…..the kind you eat….not the kind you get in other places…

    -shut up Dana, SHUT UP–

  23. I once boiled a lobster. Husband insists that it haunts our fridge. He also sent me a letter that was supposedly from the lobster’s mother asking me why I killer her son. Hmmm… I think I will write more about that. That cracks me up. Thanks for jogging my memory with your crabs.

  24. Crab related injuries are always worth it in my book.

  25. So good to hear I’m not the only one who has had this problem!!!

  26. Tsk, tsk, tsk!

    Take the high road to evolution and eat vegetarian!!

  27. Queen of Spain says:

    I’m just not sure I can take anyone who says “Tsk!” seriously.

    …oh, and the yummy meating eating part too.

  28. Bowing to the Queen of Spain! I love the tips I get from Alton Brown. I wonder if the crabs’ last thoughts were something like “Holy FUCK! Al Gore was right….these water temps ARE going up!”

  29. Your Majesty…I was at the local supermarket ” COOP” as it is known and my daughter wanted crab legs…( like she remembers having in America.) ONE EFFIN CRAB was $12.04. They came from Ireland and for that price he can swim TF back…needless to say, I would love to kill crabs for dinner. Your humble servant…


  1. sgciviimmqc says:


    tafsdkqk tvqafefm tnogfjqkqa sjjuqyvs …

  2. woman sex slave…

    Actual news on woman sex slave category….

Speak Your Mind