When a large and heavily accented woman calls you “old” and tells you it’s time to begin using eye cream, you have no choice but to fall to your knees and accept your fate.

“No more just soap and moisture…now you must tone, hydrate, exfoliate, and NIGHT cream…don’t forget NIGHT cream.” You’re half expecting her to advise vodka as well…

Night cream? My grandmother used Night cream…there is no way I’m…..

When she hints that the “young ladies” in your husband’s office have skin like angels and you “are not young any longer, and must take measures now,” you graciously accept her stinging, burning, magical peel and praise her Eastern European ways. All while some annoying Yanni pings in the background.

She will slap a gob of a wet, thick, gel like substance on your wrinkles and use words like “anti-aging” while she, in broken english, talks of hiding those “hideous” bags and “build up” from years of interrupted sleep and Hot Wheels to the face.

She’ll scrub, scuff, buff, puff, steam, smack, extract, hydrate, and pull. She will show you no mercy, despite your timid mention of being here to “relax.” The Yanni. Make it stop. Am I in hell?

In your mind you will curse her, the entire time re-running Rocky IV in your head and it’s scenes with the freak that got all nasty with Flavor Flav and Drago. The Hun is now demanding you begin microdermasomethingoranother as soon as possible, it is, after all, your only real shot at any hope of keeping a fresh and dewy face.

She asks you something about a tinted sunscreen and lip gloss and you’re nodding your head just to get the hell out of there. Lady you can make me look like a Russian mail order bride, just let me the fuck off this table.

FINALLY the pain has ended and you spring up to dress, only to find your dominatrix shoving a mirror in front of you and coaxing you to “see now, you see how you now look young and beautiful, not like a middle aged mother.”

You grab the mirror while clutching the front of your spa gown, only to find she has already taken the robe off the back of the door, opened it like a Southern gentleman, and reaches to tug your gown off while putting an arm through the terry cloth.

But nearly naked and somewhat slippery you no longer care…


“Yes, I say…you beautiful now, no wrinkle…see?”

“Yes, I do see….that is AMAZING!”

Beaming and glowing you arrive home with your bag of night cream, eye cream, lip gloss, eye gel, tinted sunscreen, and a promise to start microdermawhatever-that she told you was “like a sandpaper fast on your skin” -very soon.

I wonder if she babysits too.

***updated with photo goodness…make fun of me and I’ll deck you.


  1. She still shouldn’t have called you old.

  2. I can barely floss and brush my teeth every night, much less be counted on to go through a whole skin care routine too. Maybe I could just rent myself out to women who want to look younger – just stand next to me and everyone will see how much better you look than that old lady at your side…

  3. And that is why I’m scared to go get a facial. I’m a big sucker and I would buy anything that promised to keep my face young and dewey!

  4. Ah…

    I want a makeover, too!

  5. You look dewy, fresh and youthful. Almost youthful enough to deck a large, rude Russian woman.

  6. Queen of Spain says:

    Once again, in love with Suebob. If ONLY I were gay.

  7. For the record, I am TOTALLY cool with that.

  8. Deck her. who the F*ck says something like that when they are working on you? I think you look beautiful! my question for you: did you notice if this lady had on tons of makeup to hide her ugly wrinkled pinched obsessive face? and let me guess, she has it in for someone in her Hubby’s office?

    ARGH! the nerve of people. espcially when they wnat tips!!!

  9. You look better than me!

  10. You look great. Those facialists are worse than used car salesmen.
    I buy my cream at Wal-Mart (same crap is in them) and just tell the facialist to sqeeze my blackheads and STFU.

    Great Blog, by the way. 🙂

  11. Over priced and over hyped but who cares —- someones is doing something for YOU for a few moments!

    Is it so wrong that the highlight of my month is when they wash my hair at the salon?

    For those brief 5 minutes I imagine, with eyes closed, that my life is full of nice people tending to my every need.

    Then they thunk the towel on my head and whip the chair upright and –BAM– reality sets back in.


  12. ahhh, sounds stressful for a day that was supposed to be relaxing!!

  13. Ummmm which one is you? I see two children in that picture but no mommy.

  14. Well you look great, but then I thought you looked great in other pictures too. It’s fun having time to pamper yourself, but I think she was an obnoxious cow. I was with my aunt the other night and she told me I needed to start using eye cream. Nice.

  15. You definitely look good, but that’s nothing new. And if you’re old, then the world is ending. Sheesh.

  16. I think you look great!

    And Microderm abrasion therapy is wonderful. I do it at home twice a week. 🙂 I plan on looking like a young lady in Doug’s office until I’m 65.

  17. please, PLEASE tell me where you went so i can make an appointment.

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