Sex Ed., Queen Style

For the first time my loving husband raised an eyebrow at one of my recent parenting decisions.

He wanted to know if the children were in the room during this week’s open up and spread ’em exam at the OB/GYN.

Not only were they in the room, but they had lollipops and front row seats.

And why shouldn’t they? They see my crotch and it’s bits daily. Both my children know what tampons are and where they go. They’ve seen the insertion. They’ve played with the string.

My loving husband casually mentioned that maybe, just maybe, Count Waffles is nearing an age where he should be left out of these family outings to view the vagina. Maybe, just maybe, it’s time for him to learn a little less about his mother’s love hole.

I laughed at the Kaiser. And said, “Where should I put them next time? The hallway??” And while my husband is pretty open about these things, I could tell he wanted to say more…but stopped short of actually asking me to refrain from bringing our son to pap smears. He just wanted to plant the seed in my brain that our little boy may not want to remember his mother’s crotch later in life. He just wants to spare him that horrible mental image.

Point taken. But I’m also not going to have it be some big mystery to him. Or some HUGE deal. It’s a woman’s body. No biggie. There are the boobies and there is the crotch. The end. I can’t imagine I’ll be bringing them to pelvic exams for much longer. Or maybe I will.

Think of it as a homeschooling version of sex ed. I could make textbooks and everything. Queen Crotch 101. Then we’d have Kaiser Penis 101. Poo-hole (in honor of a certain St. Louis guy who plays my beloved Detroit Tigers tomorrow) 101. The Noise in Mom and Dad’s Bedroom 110. Birth Control or Death by Queen 102. Princess Eggs and Count Sperm 200. Soon to be followed by Please Be Gay 300. And Back Seat Manners 305.

What? Like you wouldn’t totally take one of my classes. The Art of the Blow Job is for those of you working on your masters.


  1. I love the Poo-Hole reference…we laugh at his name all the time…I say if our last name was Pujol I’d name our kids: Stinky, Itchy, Rashy and Red…

    What else could you do with your kids?…they’re all gonna go through it or learn about it eventually!!! I agree with you. I’d be in the first row in all of your classes..pen(is) in hand and ready to go!!!

  2. Holy canolli, that was a little too much Queenie crotch in the morning….:) I was not prepared for this!! …I didn’t bring my books……

  3. you’d be surprised, but many of women going for their ob/gyn exams give their kids a front row peek. Much to the shock of the grandmothers who are sometimes in the room.

    Ha the playing with the string part. I love your gross humor.

  4. LOL!
    As a single mother I out of necessity I took my son into the shower with me for years. It was easier, we both got clean and he got to play. Until he started getting older.

    You’ll know when it’s time. For me it was when I noticed him looking at me differently in the shower one morning. Once he began to really notice that our bodies were different I decided to make other arrangements.

    Our bodies are nothing to be ashamed of but they should be respected. I don’t think you’re harming your children by teaching them that. You’ll know when it’s time to become a little more private with him.

    You’re doing a great job. You’re a great mom.

  5. I brought Thomas to the last exam – it was hilarious! Remind me to link you up for that one…bwaaa haha ha!

    Certain Google pervs might like those courses you are suggesting. Ick.

  6. Ha, ha, haaa! Brilliant ending… especially because I was talking about you to a dear friend of mine today and mentioned your blow job post, one of my all time faves which goes to show you what things are like in the land o’ BoheMia, and well, here it is… more blow jobs! Funkified!

    Yeah, I am surprised that the hubby hasn’t mentioned anything with regards to Lil’ M’s vagina viewings… it is common for him to ask me, when he sees me cleaning myself, if I am bleeding yet… and he seemed quite relieved to know, if his sweet little mind quite grasped the concept, that penises don’t bleed… well, they shouldn’t at least! Dios mio!

  7. Queen of Spain says:

    Oh YES! They are VERY concerned when I have a boo boo and am bleeding! Almost overly concerned.

  8. It would never occur to me to leave me kids outside at an exam. Just like it didn’t occur to me that I should lie when Bunny asked me what tampons were. The more they grow up understanding, the healthier they’ll be (in my lil’ ole humble opinion.) Of course, if this isn’t the way your husband grew up, it may take a little stretching of his brain to see it from this perspective. Also, I don’t have boys, I have girls… and though I love to talk my big ball game and believe that I’d do everything exactly the same way if I had boys… who knows. I do have to tell you that I support this parenting choice and think it is wise, wise, wise.

    Now, I’ll interject a bit of rhetoric. I think it’s important for boys, at a very early age, to understand the female reproductive system- because it is the MOST POWERFUL SYSTEM IN THE WORLD!!!!!!!!! It is more powerful than any man made, contrived, plastic, fabricated, sociological structure that we’ve got out there… and sadly lots of boys grow up to be grown men who never understand this. Most little girls grow up to be women who understand it out of necessity… but boys sometimes avoid it or learn that it’s dirty and gross… or based in mystery that they aren’t supposed to understand because it has never been explained to them. So… the more they grow up knowing because it’s right there in front of them… the healthier they will be.

    Now I am stepping down from this soap box. Sorry. Done.

  9. My mother tells the story of when I was three or so and had recently had an anotmy lesson that I ran up to a feiend of hers and said
    “I have a gina! Wanna see it?”

  10. I think that on a certain level the Kaiser is right – at some point they should probably stop going because it’s going to be icky for them to be looking at mom’s snatch up close and personal – with some much DETAIL.
    But I also agree that there’s nothing WRONG with them going when they are really really little. It’s life. It’s normal and there isn’t anything wrong with it.
    I think that is what is strange is that we spend so much time (okay not me, but soceity) protecting our kids from stuff that doesn’t matter (like gyno exams) and not enough time protecting them from the ABC family channel which has
    been showing HORRIFIC Halloween commercials.
    Horrific Halloween commercials depicting violence and gore seem to be okay fare for my family of 4 and 2 year olds, but a gyno exam……I’m supposed to protect them from that?

    I’m pissed at the ABC Family Channel can you Tell?

  11. You guys are such a cute couple. I hope you had this discussion at the dinner table! Oooh, my mother would be so horrified!

  12. This is why I love you, “Point taken. But I’m also not going to have it be some big mystery to him. Or some HUGE deal. It’s a woman’s body. No biggie.”

    At 10 and 12, guess what? My boys still don’t think it’s a big deal. They have a good self-body image and they still walk around in their undies or nude and they still come talk to me in the shower, by stilling on the side of the tub, shower curtain thrown back. They’re fine, they are knowledgeable about such an everyday thing, and they aren’t obsessed about things like seeing a bra catalogue or boobies or butts or penises. They tell me when they want privacy by closing a door, I do the same.

    I imagine that if they wanted, I’d still take them to the OBGYN with me. Because, yes ma’am, they played with the string too once upon a time and learned that tampons can shoot if you hit them just right and they can explain to you (or in our case, my husband) just how an applicator works by making a pseudogina with a loose fist. And use a tampon to stop a nosebleed. And how a penis, yes, does get bigger if you play with it in the bathtub.

    By contrast, my neice thinks the tampon goes in my butt and she’s horrified.

  13. The comments are almost as funny as your entry….beautiful!

    My Blog

  14. That is so messed up funny….

  15. I love that they had lollipops.

  16. wjoconnor says:

    Wonderful, I think I’ll bring the kids to watch my next proctology adventure, sigh.

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