…the crap I put up with

Dear Neighbor,

I see you went to John Hopkins University and that your future wife is also went on to higher education, graduating from the University of Virginia . Congratulations! You must be very proud of those accomplishments.

I know you work at highly competitive defense companies in the D.C. metro area too, so you must be quite smart. Humor me a moment then while I ask you some questions. When you went to those institutions of higher learning did you ever take a health class? A health class that taught you, oh I don’t know, that letting your dog crap all over your lawn is NOT healthy for ANYONE? No? You didn’t? Oh. Well, let me give you a little lesson right now.

1. The Home Owners Association (HOA) kindly provides free plastic bags for you to scoop up your pets pooh each time it goes to the bathroom outside. Remember that. EACH TIME your dog goes to the bathroom outside, the owner must pick it up. Say it with me now. I, the owner of a giant yellow lab, will pick up my dog’s crap each time it uses the great outdoors as a bathroom. Good! Great! I would say you take instructions well, but clearly you don’t. Last week I counted six piles of poop on your tiny 6X6 plot of a land you call a front yard. I call it a pile of shit. 2. What happens to owners who don’t pick up after their animals? They get reported. R-E-P-O-R-T-E-D. Reported. To the HOA. Loser. That’s right graduate. You are a loser. Why? Because I have to constantly watch out for feces. Every day. In my own yard. I have reported you a few times now and we all got letters in the mail from the HOA because of YOU. You and your stinky, messy, big poop pile making dog.

Another lesson that you should have learned at this stage in your life as a responsible adult/pet owner is how to hire good help. That cousin or whoever that person is that you took pity on and hired to walk your dog each day DOESN’T. She goes out on your deck and plays on her laptop while yelling at your dog to stop barking. She then lets your dog cop a squat on your front lawn, near the mailboxes, or your other neighbor’s cars and take a big dump. We do love to fertilize our lawns as good suburbanites.

However, I prefer to choose my own brand of manure thank you very much! I’m sick of “catching” her “forgetting” a bag. She’s a dog walker. That is the sole purpose of her job, to walk your dog and pick up its crap. She is clearly lacking in the intelligence your car stickers say you possess. If you don’t fire her soon, I will.

I will lie in wait for her one day and nail her with a bee bee gun right in her waddling butt. I like animals so I won’t fire a round off on your dog. Plus, that would be rude. Just as rude as continuous laziness is as you watch your dog poop everywhere making our tiny Pleasantville a series of land mines to be watched for. Thank you for your time and hopefully future cooperation.


you’re loving neighbor

P.S. Yes, that was me who left the entire weeks worth of your dog’s crap on your front steps a few months back. Silly me for thinking that alone would teach you how to behave in polite society. Don’t make me torch it next time.

Vicky, a conspiracy lover from the DC Metro area, is a some time freelance writer, constant blogger and an always aspiring novelist. Mother to one Tiny Dictator bearing a striking resemblance to Mussolini she plans coups during her day job and tries to hold down the suburban fort at night.

*all the fun is part of blog exchange! I’m over at Vicky’s place today!


  1. Excellent.

    I admire you. Dog poop on the lawn…any lawn, is just plain nasty.

    I hope you get them in a lot of trouble.

  2. Neighbours can be charming things at times cant they. Mine like to play their heavy metal music so loud that my apartment windows rattle. I guess I am just lucky they have enough respect for the fact I have a kid that they turn it down at about 10pm.

  3. Hey, our neighbors dumped a pile of their lawn crap at the bottom of our lawn. My lovely husband wrote a HUGE NOTE on giant poster board so all the neighbors could see it that said something like “our lawn is not a dumping ground so please remove your refuse”. The next morning the stuff was gone. I am sure if you did this on your property it would help…Huge embarrassing notes tend to work in your favor.

  4. that’s just plain old wrong.

    apparently they don’t teach everything at Johns Hopkins.

  5. I am so thankful for the tall, non-see-through fence that keeps our neighbors away from us and us away from the neighbors (because we realize we probably aren’t the perfect homeowners, either!).

  6. Vicky needs one of these:


    This is an issue that gets conscientious dog-owners (like, say, um, people who currently own EIGHT ninja poodles, *cough*) alllllll riled up. You wanna see sparks fly? Be staying at the host hotel for a large dogshow, and happen to be around when some slob of an exhibitor does not pick up after their dog ON THE HOTEL GROUNDS. You can count on them being descended upon by other exhibitors, with fury and multiple poop-bags. People travelling with pets sometimes honestly don’t know any better (they might be from rural areas where dog-curbing is not an issue), but dog-show people KNOW BETTER.

    I would definitely get an anonymous note to these folks letting them know that their “dog walker” is a joke, and that you and your neighbors are reporting their offenses. There are PROFESSIONAL dog-walkers who take pride in their work. And you are absolutely correct to report the offense, EVERY time it happens–and not just to the HOA, but to the city or county, as a violation of the leash law.

    On another note, this is why I’m glad I live on 5 acres (and that my dogs choose “pooping grounds” that are FAR from our living areas), and that the poop of a raw-diet fed dog disintegrates to powder within 48 hours, requiring no scooping.

  7. Binkytown says:

    Ha! Don’t make me torch it indeed!

  8. Being that you have children and have already spoken with them directly- you can always contact your towns health department about the problem. Like you said, they are in violation of a code. I’m sure that there is some sort of town employee who will come out and take pictures of the dog poop, write a letter and request that the poop be cleaned up and that it not become a problem again. Your name will never be mentioned- unless they call and ask. But, it doesn’t change the fact that they are in violaction of a health code and they do have to participate in health ordinances just like the rest of us… no matter how busy their lives are. It’s either that… or hire a dog walker…

  9. Ha! I wrote about a neighbor too. They can be real pains in the backside.

  10. Thanks for reminding me of why I can’t live in the suburbs.

  11. Uh oh…..he’s probably going to us his defense contractor contacts to track you down, ala Enemy of The State. That’s ok, we’ll be your alibi and say that you were with us all day, blogging. It couldn’t have been you that put poopy on his doorstep! ha ha

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