Poppin’ ‘Em Out for Jesus

You know there is something wrong with the Christian movement when they start breeding an Army.

If you need to bulk up your numbers to please your God, have a baseball team to be a good wife, or simply are submissive to the “head” of your household because you see yourself as a “domestic warriors in the battle against what they see as forty years of destruction wrought by women’s liberation: contraception, women’s careers, abortion, divorce, homosexuality and child abuse…” come sit next to me and let’s have a talk.

First deary, get yourself some books. Not the one with “Holy Bible” on the front, or the ones you see on the shelves at your local Christian book store…but some actual books. I’m sure my commentors can name a few to get you going. I’m going to have to say “The Poisonwood Bible” and maybe a little erotica for good measure.

Next, there is this nifty little thing out there called birth control. I realize you’re not supposed too…but you and I both know that your are batshit crazy from all those kids and all that breastfeeding and all that chaos. One pill. Once a day. Or hell, get a shot. Save yourself first, and we’ll deal with the head of your household next. Which leads me too..

…your asshole husband. I don’t care how much you love him. I don’t care how well he takes care of you and your litter. I don’t care how much you feel you need him. It’s time to stand up. Don’t go along with is plans unless YOU want too. Don’t just nod your head like a good little wife and take it up the ass. God also gave you a voice. If God wanted you mute, he would have left off the mouth. If he didn’t want you to think, you’d have less of a brain. But you and I both know that little voice inside your head is NOT Satan. It’s called reason. Yes. Reason. It’s there to ring little bells when you and I both know you shouldn’t be doing what that asshole tells you to do. That you should be standing up for yourself and making sure you get what you want. He can’t always get his way.

If all else fails, tell him you prayed on it and Jesus told you so. Then email me and I’ll find you a women’s shelter.


*hat tip to Violet for the mindblowing link, What the Fuck, indeed. **Shash  is talking about it too!


  1. I want fron row seats when you have this brilliantly-worded-and-so-much-so-I-am-simply-high-off-your-rant talk with these idiot women…

    I would add that submission is ok as long as it is by choice and for kinky purposes… spankalicious! Hah!

    You are just BRILLIANT!

  2. Will you marry me? 😉 I heart the Queen!

  3. Here’s a prime example of why this way of thinking is so wrong: Andrea Yates.

    Remember her? What she did to her kids?

    I think my work here is done.


  4. The Queen has spoken! And how.

  5. Have I told you how much I Love You lately?!
    I encounter the “team” almost daily….they are NUTS.

  6. I loved the actual article – it scared the shit out of me. One part did make me laugh. They guy going for the vasectomy who had a dream that an angel pointed to his genitals and basically said “pussy, use me as an excuse, I know you are scared shitless-pretend god is on your side.”

  7. I know that there are people who think like that but seeing it in words….yikes. Feels like Children of the Corn.

    Oh, and I think ‘God’ put the mouth on women for a different reason according to their particular mode of thinking.

  8. I don’t know which Christians your talking to but I am one and that is not how I act. I believe in using birth control. I believe that the husband and wife partnership is just that; a partnership. We talk to each other and make decisions together, yes sometimes we agree to go his way, but other times we go mine. How about next time you don’t lump us together in one category. There are “Christians” that believe the way you stated, and then there are those like me, and then there are those who believe when it’s convenient for them. What non-christians need to realize is that we are all human; we make mistakes, we sometimes have poor judgement, we sometimes are hyprocritcal and pass judgement on others. God is about love and all he wants is for us to love Him back and acknowledge He is truly our one and only Saviour. Weather you beleive it or not we ALL need to be saved.

  9. “Kids are great and all that, but in reality, it’s all about the Bible.”

    Wow. I have so many problems with that statement I hardly know where to begin. Oh, and the part where they suggest that 8 million Christian families each have 6 kids our more to bulk up the Religious Right? *blink blink*

  10. All I have to say is there is a difference in being Christian and being a pushover. As a Christian, the things you’ve written above are not true for all of us. There are some extremists out there.

    I don’t use birth control because I promised to be open to children. If I don’t want to get pregnant, I don’t have sex on days 14-18. Plain and simple.

    And believe me, I use my mouth very well. For voicing my opinions and that thing you’ve named GBJD!


  11. I like Janice…she hit the nail on the head.

  12. Besides getting the chills from reading the article, all else I could think of was someone a few generations back in my mother’s family. A poor woman who was forced to continue having children by her husband because they were Catholic and the Catholic church didn’t believe in birth control. She went to her priest for help and he told her she had to keep having children. One day she took her brood of 5 to a park for a picnic and left them there. She couldn’t do it anymore.

    They put her in an asylum.

    How is this any different? The reason doesn’t matter; thinking people know that not all people of any religion, race, etc. are the same, and that their religion, race, etc. is not inherently bad. What’s bad is some of the things coming out of what human people DO with that. And IN THE NAME OF that.

  13. Queen of Spain says:

    Anyone who has read me for any length of time should know I’m not against all Christians. Or think all Christians are stupid.

    Just these kinds. And other kinds I have mentioned. Just not all kinds. I like the nice ones. The ones that actually act christian.

    These people just freak me out. It’s a cult. CULT.

  14. Yeah.

  15. Oh yeah – the perfect book for this occasion: “The Handmaid’s Tale” by Margaret Atwood. Couldn’t be more appropriate.

  16. Queen of Spain says:


  17. It’s one of my standard responses when my liberal minded, educated friends look at me like I’m mad toting around all these kids …….I say “Well shit the religious right is out there breeding like mad. This is called counterbalance. I’m breeding VOTERS.”

  18. I don’t disagree with your sentiment and the article is totally disturbing on many levels, but I know many women who don’t use birth control for religious reasons and interestingly often their husbands are BEGGING THEM to let them get snipped… Seriously. Some women out there really dig this sort of thing… I don’t get it either.

  19. Wow. I can’t imagine breeding “a team or two” of children, much less an army. And I have to believe that I was put on this Earth for more than the title of “head breeder” in my family (or those 6 years of graduate school are really going to piss me off). The moment they say that feminism is the downfall of mankind I have to shake my head. Feminism is more powerful than hatred or evil? You want to be powerful and strong, how about trying acceptance and love. But I am preaching to the choir with this audience. For thoese women in this church or have these beliefs, I hope they have a lot of support (especially from those wonderful heads of household), because I can’t imagine have upwards of 12 children and homeschooling them all.

  20. As for me and my family, we’re bulking up the Christian Left.

  21. I am curious how many children reared to believe a certain way actually continue to believe? There’s a book called The Nurture Assumption that says our peers have more to do with how we are than our families; I know it’s true in my case.

  22. wow.. that’s not at ALL what it means to be in submission. If that’s what so-called christian women are doing.. no wonder they’re miserable. God never meant for the man to DOMINATE ..in fact he commands to assign her honor and respect. He answers to God and Christ for his treatment of his wife. God is the head of christ; christ is the head of man, man is the head of woman … it’s not a demeaning type thing at all.

  23. Several points:
    (1) While some Biblical passages get ripped out of context to push the notion of “submission,” it’s clear to me that the overall Biblical image of marriage, particularly as drawn from the New Testament, is of an equal partnership. No submission other than mutual submission. Period.

    (2) The Bible teaches that sex is about pleasure, unity, intimacy, and of course, procreation. But just because children are a blessing doesn’t mean that women have to be baby-making machines. Birth control is okay and, if one really cares about one’s children, desirable. There’s nothing in Scripture that tells couples they have to have boatloads of kids.

    (3) I’ve been a pastor for twenty-two years, a person who converted from atheism thirty years ago. I’ve never met anybody like the people described in the article to which you linked. It’s weird.

    Mark Daniels

  24. I suppose I should add that I’m aware that Roman Catholic theology disdains birth control and values large families. I meant that I had never met anybody in Protestant circles who adhere to such notions. What makes the views of the people in the article so strange to me is that they seem to hold these ideas as a way of raising a big crop of automaton fundamentalists. I guess it’s easier to make them that way than it is to persuade people to go along with their version of Christianity.

    Mark Daniels

  25. Incidentally, you do a very nice job describing Hasidic culture as well. “Be fruitful and multiply” and all that just leads to bad people like Shmuley Boteach. (Author of “Kosher” Sex who advises against breast feeding too long or husbands become jealous that their sensual playthings are used by others. Choke.)

    Don’t forget that God gave women mouths to pleasure men with. Unless they are mothers. Because the mouth that kisses a man’s property – er, I mean, kids – should be very clean. But you never know who will end up as madonna and who as whores, so everyone gets a mouth just in case.

  26. While I do see some hunmor, you seem to be consumed with hatred. That’s a shame.

  27. Please don’t call the full quiver wackos “the Christian Movement.” They are a fringe lunatic group, associated with your Prairie Muffin friends, and are certainly not representative of mainstream Christianity. Mark Daniels put it very well.


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    Poppin’ ‘Em Out for Jesus…

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