Here’s YOUR chance to do the Hump

My almost 4-year old son thinks pigs work.

He thinks swine put on little hard hats and take a lunch pail down to the factory every day and punch a clock. It’s there the little piggies sit at desks and type on computers and make the bacon that we, the humans, eat.

He firmly believes it’s the pig’s job to go to work and make our bacon. In his mind, the cows make the milk and the pigs make the bacon. I see the logic.
I’m fine with this. At his tender, innocent age, I am totally fine with not correcting him. I’m not setting out to lie to him. If he were to ask, I would try to explain that Porky and Co. don’t really make our bacon, but I can’t say I would describe or travel down the “we eat the pigs” path. Wee wee wee all the way home.

It’s this life of “half truths” or vague concepts that got my husband to thinking. Not too many days ago my other half was pondering exactly what we would tell the children if they were ever to walk in on us “doing it.”

He thinks we need a plan. A pre-discussed discussion. He thinks we need to be prepared on the off chance the baby monitor, door knobs, locks, and overall hearing fails us and we get caught F’in like rabbits.
At first I laughed at him. I totally brushed off the need for a game plan should an offspring interrupt us mid-hump.

Then I thought about it. Could I really say we were “hugging?” No, because as anyone who is NOT a virgin knows, sex looks nothing like a hug.

What do we say we were doing? We can’t really take the “making a baby route” since we’re not and then one of the kids will expect a sibling at some point. We can’t go with “wrestling naked” as I can totally see my kids then wanting to wrestle naked with us. ALL THE TIME. It would be the new family past time. Friends would come over to play and my children would want to wrestle them. Naked.

Do we even try to explain what we were doing? Do we gloss it over with “kissing and tickling” and hope they buy it? At this age, they just don’t understand enough to really try and explain sex. Which I don’t mind doing. I have no problem with discussing sex and everything that goes with it when my children can understand. I’m not worried about my daughter. She’s just too little to realize. But my son. Oh. Boy. Did I mention he’s nearly 4? That means questions. GOOD LORD IN HEAVEN the questions.
…but why do we have sex?

…but why do you have to lay like that?

…but why do you make those noises?

…but why are you putting your penis there where Mommy pees?

…but why does Mom have those things the police use on the bad guys? (kidding, kidding)

All I’m saying is the actual explanation may just be too complicated for his brain, but anything else might be too simple.

So, on the Kaiser’s advice, I am asking you-my blogging buddies, to please tell us how to you deal with a child’s questions after they actually “see” sexual intercourse???

I have my suspicions that this entire conversation between my husband and I was just his way of hinting that we need to go have sex. And he may very well be surprised to see his hint went so far as to become a blog post. Or not. Because we all know the man gets more blow jobs than any husband on earth.

So maybe the question should be…what if we get caught doing that??? Mommy is just checking my throat? Like the doctor does? But with Daddy’s….nevermind. Stick to answering the sex question.


  1. “We’re having sex.”
    “It’s something mommies and daddies do.”

    The best advice I’ve heard (although, my kid is younger than both of yours, and I can’t say I’ve USED this advice) is to just answer the questions they ask and to not go into any more detail. Chances are your son won’t ask more than he wants to know, and he won’t ask more than you want to tell him.

    Good luck!

  2. My daughter walked in on us when she was about 3 (my husband insisted on unlocked doors). She said, “OH! Mommy’s hugging daddy!” and walked out. I never bothered to correct and nothing ever came of it. She wouldn’t understand “sex”, and I don’t feel the need to explain yet.

    Kids take things at their own level. She thinks I sleep naked periodically because I have “blankets that are as warm as pajamas”. Keep stuff simple. Unless they ask, don’t tell.

  3. I think there are books about this specifically written for young kids. There’s always “Where Did I Come From?”, although that throws the baby-making into the equation, so probably is not so useful. “What’s the Big Secret?: Talking about Sex with Boys and Girls” might also work. It might be too simplistic, though. Both are supposedly for kids ages 4-8. At any rate, browsing through them might give you some ideas, even if the books themselves aren’t perfect.

  4. Got me. If your readers come up with a good one let me know.

  5. I like the straightforward approach. “You walked in while mommy and daddy were having sex (making love, whatever you want him to call it).” Then remind him of the importance of *knocking* first! I also like the idea of picking up that book, “What’s the Big Secret?” I might have to pick that one up. Luckily, I’ve not been put in that situation yet, but I know it’s coming. I’ve got a 9 and 6 year olds. It’s bound to happen.

  6. Adam just said to us mid act…”Good Pumping Dad!”


  7. I am still fearing that day. Although I would be make sure to explain & not assume he doesn’t have questions if he hasn’t asked any. Last year we had a kindergarten student that told someone that e saw daddy put his penis in mommmy’s butt & pee pn her back.

  8. I’m not a fan of the “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” approach. That will only keep the kids mum when they have questions and their questions will be answered by other people, possibly kids. You DO NOT want this to happen.

    The best approach is to begin talking with your children about sexuality as early as possible and letting them know that you are there for them if they ever have any questions. Talking about sexuality should not be a one time thing…it should be an ongoing discussion. And be honest about what you are doing if you are caught in the act because any lies will cause more confusion.

    One of my favorite authors, Robie Harris, writes wonderful books about sexuality that are illustrated beautifully with realistic pictures. There’s a book for every age group:
    “It’s Not the Stork!” for age 4 and up
    “It’s So Amazing” for age 7 and up
    “It’s Perfectly Normal” for preteens and teens

    These books will help you answer your question. =)

  9. Kevin Smith tells the story of the time Harley walked in on him and Jen. They asked her what it looked like to her, and she answered “swimming” so now it’s referred to as “night-swimming” in their house.

  10. Have you seen the new commercial were a little kid is showing his parents his “art gallery” of pictures he has drawn. He goes through grandma’s house and neighbors dog, with the parents saying…how cute. Then the kid holds one up so that you can’t see it but you see the parents’ faces and he says, “This one I call ‘Mommy and Daddy Wrestling'”. The parents say, “We’ll but that one right now!”. Priceless!

  11. I Just read your Post over at Hufpo, the one about the pesos for pizza program.

    I was gong to leave a very glib comment about the “Noid” declaring jihad. Talk about the Patron Pizza Patriarchy being in step with some kind of flat bread taliban. In closing I wanted to congratulate you on your raising a wonderfully sane little human. But I couldn’t, the comment’s are all screwed up at Hufpo, so I buggered off over here and found this post.

    I came to this country in 1979, from St. Vincent and the Grenadines is the West Indies. I moved there in 1977, form the UK.

    At age 11, I got to the US straight from a small, primitive farm, where I was in charge of collecting eggs and milking the cow.I was struck by the American kids disconnect, as far as food was concerned. I took it upon myself to explain what was going on in the meat a dairy sections at the supermarket.

    Kids are deserving of honesty, as we all are. The idea of animals setting out to make bacon and cheese is very cute in the great Warner Bros. tradition. I think kids are also imaginative enough to get their minds around animals being delicious and tasty treats. Next time they see a lion gobbling up a delicious zebra on Animal Planet introduce the parallels of what happens to creatures on the way to and in the local meat dept. For Heaven sakes don’t let them go vegan 😉


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