The Queen is all right. And uh…so are the kids.

Hi, your friendly neighborhood Kaiser reporting on the Queen and her lack of body parts.  Not only can I hold over her head the fact that I’ve been published in GQ and she hasn’t, I can also boast that I, in fact, have more vital organs than she does.

Here’s what was learned today:

Don’t say “Put it in her butt!” when the nurse has to check your wife’s temperature for a second time because the first try didn’t work.

Don’t say “This happens every time we try heroin.” to the nurse when she’s trying to find one of your wife’s veins to take blood.Don’t say “Except for when I pass out.” to the nurse when she deadpans “It must be fun and laughs AALLLLLLLL the time at your house.” to your wife.

Saying these things will actually make your wife LESS comfortable.  Not more.  But Less.

Here is what was NOT learned:

Kaiser = Idiot.

But enough about me.

The Queen is doing as well as one could expect for a person who’s thyroid is currently residing in a jar. She was in rough shape afterwards, but there were no complications, nothing unexpected. Not sure when she’s coming home, but it’ll probably be tomorrow evening.  Nana said the kids were great all day.  I’m not sure what else I’m supposed to report, so I’ll shut up now. Twelve hours too late…


  1. WHEW! I’m glad it’s over and The Queen is doing as well as can be expected. Kaiser, you are a frickin’ scream. Tee hee hee hee heee!

  2. Kaiser dahling……..shoot me your address via my email I got it from Sarah but it doesn’t look like the one Erin gave me so I want to double check.
    I have cookies…..yes you can have one.

  3. My dear, The Queen is going to kick your butt when she recovers. Remember this the next time you are sick…a very large thermometer will be involved.

  4. Good to know all is going well. Thanks for the much-needed update, Kaiser!

  5. Glad to hear Queen is doing well.

    Keep smiling…

  6. Oh my god, that sounds like shit I said to Daren right before THEY CUT HIS BALLS OPEN. He was whacked out on drugs and kept saying, “We should go to the bar! YEAH!” Good times.
    Glad Her Majesty is doing well.

  7. Hope I’m not too late. Virtual Funeral is taking place here.

  8. tell Q to take her time – you are much more entertaining.

    make sure to keep that thyroid for your mantel. we have my tonsils and husband’s cyst. makes for great conversation at dinner parties.


  9. I almost forgot…saying “You can tell people I gave you an emergency tracheotomy with a steak knife at Sizzler!” will not make your wife feel less self conscious about the scar on her neck.

  10. I am SO GLAD to hear there were no complications and that she’ll be back home soon. You treat her like the Queen she is, you hear?

  11. You sound EXACTLY like my hubs. He’s said all those things too…at in appropriate times. Take care of your lady there.

  12. Sadly, those things would have all made me more confotable.

    I’m glad it all went well.

  13. Comfortable.

    Spell check would also put me at ease.

  14. The scar will fade fast. My thyroid was taken out less than two years ago, and you can not even see it at all. I’m glad she is doing ok.

  15. I’m glad it went OK and the Queen is on the path to recovery.

  16. Feel better soon!!!!!!!!

    Can you feel the healing vibes from all the way from Massachusetts or do all those freaks in Berkeley mess up our signal?

  17. When I was having my epidural with the twins, my husband kept prattling on about “man, you should’ve HEARD her the last time she had an epidural. I’ve never HEARD another human scream like that. They hit the bone or something – there’s something wrong with her vertebrae did they tell you? Man she screamed and cried and they stuck her like 8 times……..”
    the nurse went over and quietly escorted him from the room.

    You men are all Turd Fergusons sometimes.

    But I do like the Sizzler thing… could say “Man I TOLD HER NOT TO ORDER THE DOUBLE MALIBUE CHICKEN!”

  18. Hope the recovery process is an easy one!

  19. Thanks for the update and the chuckle! Glad the Queen is recovering well.

  20. We’re all just glad someone is giving us the DL! Kaiser, you’re one funny guy, but seriously, you’re married to THE QUEEN and you didn’t know not to say such things? -laughing- I’m just teasing. Give her hugs from us!

  21. I hope the Queen is home by now and that all is well.

    Thanks for the update!

  22. Know the difference between an oral and anal thermometer?
    the taste!

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