Back in January I had a full body. All my parts were present and accounted for. The baby was over a year old and the weight was nearly gone.
Life was good.
By the end of January I was wrapped in gauze and patched together with stitches and glue. A gland I was told I could do without was gone, and recovery was underway.
My chart from UCLA says I was 148lbs and in good health. Today my doctor tells me synthetic hormone replacement isn’t working well and experts need to be consulted. I have 0 metabolism, 0 cancer, of course, 0 thryoid.
The 0 cancer part is an obvious plus. The 0 metabolism is making me wish I chanced the cancer. Terrible. I know. But going up a few pant sizes will make you a bit crazy in the head.
176lbs and counting and I’m miserable. Beyond miserable. Gym 3 days a week and 1200 calories a day. Still counting the pounds. Not down, but up.
Lab work says my meds aren’t working (no shit) and might be a long road to figure out what might work.
In the meantime I get to be tired and gain weight, with a really, super attractive scar on my neck. Its enough to make me lose it. And not just lose it…like I’m having a bad day…lose it..but REALLY LOSE IT.
I’m going to expose myself in a new project very soon, and lay all that is me out there for the world to view. Yes, VIEW. I’m expecting critics. Comes with the territory. What I’m not ready to handle is the Britney-esq remarks.
I’m not looking for a “oh but you look great” comment. Just humor me in my moment of weakness today, and when this new project rolls out in a few months, tell me you’ve got my back. It is NOT often I feel vulnerable or hold myself to the same asinine standards as what the media portrays of women. Its not often I even admit to feeling self conscience. In fact, I may deny I ever wrote this post come tomorrow.
Just tell me you’ll have my back. I’m qualified. I’m capable. I won’t be photoshopped or use fuzzy lighting. Real women. Real bodies. Real Me.
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Erin - ExpectingExecutive 09.13.07 at 3:47 pm
Count me in…I’ve got your back! I am a big fan of unconditional support and I would be pleased to provide you all of the support and encouragement you can stand!
Erin
http://www.ExpectingExecutive.com
Jenifer 09.13.07 at 4:35 pm
I’ve got your back!
Hey if it makes you feel better, you weight less than I do!
ali 09.13.07 at 4:45 pm
got your back, lady.
lotsoflove.
Christina 09.13.07 at 5:10 pm
My long, loving, supportive comment seems to have been eaten. Sigh.
Anyway, you are a strong, confident woman, and you will succeed at anything you put your mind to. I’m excited and intrigued by your new project!
I’ve got your back, rhinestone hotpants or no rhinestone hotpants.
Christi 09.13.07 at 5:36 pm
I PROMISE it will get better. Mr. C lost his to cancer at 31, and it took a while for them to get his meds straightened out (primarily because there was a teensy bit of thyroid left that wants to put out bits of hormone from time to time, throwing his levels all out of joint) but it DID get better and he is no longer Slug Man. You’re not going to go throught this by yourself; we ALL got your back.
Queen of Spain 09.13.07 at 5:44 pm
Ok. See. That comment. Right there? By Christi? THAT is why I blog. THAT is why I blog about my life. THAT is why. RIGHT THERE. Thank you. THANK YOU.
Knowing someone else has gone through this and you are not alone is sooooo much.
And if that is true, I just MIGHT bust out the rhinestoned hotpants. Later. When its all better.
Much More Than A Mom 09.13.07 at 5:48 pm
Abso-freaking-lutely my dear.
MammaLoves 09.13.07 at 5:53 pm
I love you for your mind, not your bod. I got your back–even more so for staying true to who you are.
Lara 09.13.07 at 6:07 pm
well, seems like lots of people have got your back, so how about i’ll get your front? or does the kaiser have that covered on his own?
Angel 09.13.07 at 7:51 pm
My sister had a thyroidectomy, also thyroid cancer, nearly 15 yrs ago (hope it’s comforting to know she is doing just fine after all this time). Though they told her she’d probably gain weight, but she’s remained very tiny.
I hope you find the right balance of your meds so you can feel better.
This fluffy mama has totally got your back!
Liz 09.13.07 at 8:01 pm
I have an underactive thyroid, myself. I maintained a ‘normal’ TSH level throughout my pregnancy and relatively okay immediately postpartum. At about 8 months postpartum, while having pre-op work for having my gall bladder removed, I got a call that my TSH was up to 18. CRAZY!
And now, despite my doc and my ob/gyn, I’m arguing that although my TSH is coming in at 3.2 (much new research says that that’s too high), I can’t get my insurance to pay for testing of my free T3s and T4s. Nor can I find an endo that my insurance will cover. FUCK!
I’m totally in on your project. I gotcher back, totally.
Sueb0b 09.13.07 at 8:33 pm
Shit. What am I supposed to say? You know I only love you for your body.
Naw, you know I’m behind you all the way.
Korie 09.13.07 at 8:38 pm
I would like to support in whatever way I can…I have PCOS, and while its not the same, it entails a lot of similar problems as thyroid conditions. Also, well, I’ve lost a lot of family to cancer, and while I understand the compulsion to regret certain decisions, you were very right and very brave to do what was best for your family.
Angel 09.13.07 at 8:42 pm
I just want you to know you are an inspiration to me. Thank you for giving me the courage to post my picture!
http://slayerintraining.blogspot.com/2007/09/swimsuits-for-blogher.html
Dana 09.13.07 at 9:30 pm
Erin…
Oh man. I can’t get the words out.
I posted a fucking photo of my disgusting stomach on a blog post tonight.
It took every ounce of courage buried in my toenails to do it.
And I was going to remove it — until I blog-walked over here. Your words are helping me to NOT change my mind. I’m keeping the photo up.
Erin 09.13.07 at 9:37 pm
Oh, you still weigh about what I do, only you’ve had A)babies B)thyroidectomy. I have neither as an excuse…
Of COURSE we’ll support you. You have to ask?
christine 09.14.07 at 7:02 am
Got your big, jiggly back!
Miz BoheMia 09.14.07 at 11:30 am
Hey, I’ll even go a step further… what allopathic medicine fucks up and knows not how to heal, alternative medicine can work wonders with so if ever you are interested, let me know, and I can ask Loverboy for advice… maybe he can help from here or refer you to someone there but there is no reason, I am sure, for the pounds to keep piling on my dear friend…
Anytime, if you even would like to talk to him, you have my number so call if you need to!!!
Do I have your back? FO SHO!
Maria Niles 09.15.07 at 6:10 pm
Thanks for the link. You know I’ll have your back, quite literally.
tori 09.17.07 at 6:23 am
I am behind you all the way. You know it. I feel for you! When I first had my thyroid surgery, I lost a ton of weight because I don’t eat when I am stressed. I am finally back to normal (although still no clean cancer scan and it has been two years!) and since my hysterectomy last year am gaining a bunch of weight. I am just so sick of the bouncing around with my weight! I know we will both be “normal” again soon. That is what everyone keeps telling me, so I have to believe it. I have read that some people abuse the synthroid to lose weight, and before I could never understand why. Now I get why. I still wouldn’t because of the health risks, but I totally get why a person would want to!
You rock. My comment is long and rambly and makes no sense, but I love you! That’s all it needs to say I guess.
chris 09.17.07 at 10:10 am
I’ve always got your back
Can I suggest going to an endocrinologist? (I have no idea if I spelled that right!)
They specialize in this fun stuff and are the ones who diagnosed my sis’ thyroid issues after 4 docs told her there were none.
Anyway, I totally have back and you still rock.
Suzanne 09.18.07 at 3:08 pm
I got your back.
Kellyology 09.27.07 at 7:52 am
It’s the worst when you feel like you’ve completely lost control of your body. Got your back girl!
lyn 10.10.07 at 11:12 pm
i am in the same place you are…on all counts. it’s sort of weird. but just letting you know that i’m switching from synthroid to armour. praying for the best…it has been almost a week and i have gone down 3 lbs. i’ll take it!! hope you find something that works for you.
Dina 03.31.08 at 10:08 pm
I’m in your club. I full-fledged member of the once thin, now chunky, once energetic, now lazy club. I always loved my long neck, my protruding clavicle bones, now all I see is this damn hack in my neck. I feel so foolish for thinking, as you do, that perhaps tumors were worth the risk. At least I would be a complete woman. All my male specialists telling me I would be and feel exactly the same without my thyroid. They forgot to mention I would need 12 hours of sleep a night, run 30 miles a week to be able to shop in regular stores, cry at 3 am for no reason, and have my scar showcased by all the cute tunic shirts.
So, this is my new life. My life without this gland. That because of modern medicine and the miracle of synthroid, I can survive. Still, with all the angry bullshit I carry because of my body betraying me, I’m here. My kids and husband love me, fat or thin, scared, crying, I’m theirs. Thank God for that.