An Open Letter To MommyBloggers

you know, Erin, this strikes me as a result, somewhat, of your being infected by the nature of the adult, well-comported manner in which the Obama campaign is being conducted. (along with everyone else, I mean. i think everyone is catching on, slowly but surely.) (that isn’t to suggest you weren’t already getting there on your own. just - i think the clean-fighting behavior, the readjustment to the old-school rules of sportsmanship and etiquette of Obama’s style - it’s bound to affect all of us as he continues on.)

plus, it’s natural. we’ve all been steeping for so fucking long in this vat of reality-show-jerry-springer-mud-slinging hell, and i think we’re all ready to push the pendulum back the other way for a while. (a good, long while, i hope.) don’t get me wrong; the honesty that’s come out of that whole business has been unbelievably healthy, but all therapy has to end sometime. iow, let’s scrap the ridiculous parts and keep the parts about being honest and forthright and shit, but not through sacrifice of any semblance of respect, either for ourselves or for our community members. we CAN push ourselves further; make room for the smallest voice; BE the bigger person by not disrespecting simply in order to get a laugh or just appear cool; etc.

i say, it’s high fucking time to graduate from high-school values as a society.

AMEN to that!! Preach it sistah!

Since I have no idea what’s broiling out in the mommyblogosphere but have a clear idea of what’s happening in the other corners, I shout out to ya with a loud and clear AMEN.

As you know, I’ve railed about the horrible personal attacks on Michelle Obama on the internet and elsewhere, and a couple of weeks ago was told to ‘ignore them’ by my friends on newsgang live because highlighting or pushing back on them wasn’t productive.

I disagreed and went as far as to say that since it was MY blog I’d do whatever the hell I wanted and if that bothered folks, too fricking-falutin’ bad.

This week we have the Shel/Loren blowout again, and one of my friends on NGL (the host, in fact) takes it personally. We spend a whole show about how meanness goes two ways, yada yada…and much of it I agree with. What interested me was that how different it felt when it got personal. Suddenly it wasn’t easy to ignore, shouldn’t be ignored, shouldn’t be overlooked.

In my way-too-many years of being a part of communities online, the one thing I can say with certainty is that someone will get pissy and be mean, and communities have the power to nip it or amplify it. I vote for nipping it.

I hope whoever it was who got snarky realizes they were just maybe wrong, and gets over it. Chalk it up to the heat or money stress, or political burnout or whatever, and move on. Because life really is too short to snark on someone for how they blog, what they blog, or whether they blog.

Besides, Twitter is still borked and that’s something worth being REALLY pissy about. Blame Twitter.

Beautifully said, Erin. Well done.

gee.

whatever happened to blaming Canada?

Blame Canada!

I’m not a mommyblogger, nor to I play one on TV (or elsewhere). And I don’t read parenting blogs much. But I do have a pretty universal aversion to infighting of all kinds. Collaboration is so much more fun than competitiveness, IMHO….

- Amy Gahran

I so totally get this. I have been blogging for about 4 years, but mainly just as a way to stay in touch with family across the country. But recently I have started opening p my blog to the world and am getting into the whol blogosphere and dare I say Social Media of it all (though I don’t understand half of what everyone says). I don’t consider myself a mommyblogger since my kids are grown and theres a gbaby already. I thought about going to BlogHer and decided against it because I didn’t think I would fit in. Im not a mommyblogger, Im not a social media blogger, Im not a politico, who the hell am I? Your post made me see that it doesn’t matter who I am, it only matters that I am.

Not being a mommybogger, I’m often clueless when it comes to flame wars and cliques. From my outsider point-of-view, I see lots of support that I often wish I had.

As far as competition goes, I don’t see anything wrong with a little healthy competition. I think many women see it as all or nothing.

I keep finding myself labeled a “mommyblogger” and explaining to whomever has made that mistake why I’m not. The reason I *usually* tend to leave off is that I haven’t been a part of that community. It’s kind of like claiming to be a member of a club you’ve only visited once or twice.

Community is a big thing… it’s what makes the solitary act of blogging something that is no longer solitary, but an act of solidarity.

Hopefully, whatever ishiness is currently arising over there will be short-lived.

Great post!!

It’s the first mommyblogger flame war I’ve seen, and so far pretty damn tame.

That said, I’ve fallen in love with the community going on and hate watching any in-feuding going on. Can’t we all just get along?

Fussy Loves the Queen!

I blame France.

Oh my lord — I saw this last night and stupidly responded too quickly before realizing I totally misunderstood the intent and who it was directed toward. I am an idjit. I was able to delete my comment 20 minutes later, but hopefully I don’t look like a ginormous ASS to fellow Twitter buds.

Ugh. Stuff like this I try to STAY out of. Now I’m going to be more careful than ever.

Because I am a total unorganized slob, and was feeding my family a lot of garbage, I started a small (as in only a handful of people read it) “accountability” blog to help me get organized, and maybe share some of my journey, in case anyone else was going through something similar, and so that people who had ALREADY gone through it and figured it out might share with ME.

Anyway, when I began posting recipes there, I did it with pictures. It was the best way I knew to explain the process. I’d say, “Start with this,” and show the ingredients. I’d say, “First, do this in this way,” and show a picture. And so on. It was picture-heavy, not at all sleek and fast, but it was the way I felt like doing it.

And then, a few months ago, I saw Pioneer Woman’s blog for the first time, when someone linked to a recipe. Yes, I was the last person on earth to discover PW. And I saw how ENORMOUS her readership is. And I saw how she illustrates her recipes…and my first thought was, “Oh, no, people are going to think that I’m copying her…and BADLY!” Because my kitchen is dark and dingy, my photography skills are lacking, and my pics are nowhere near as good as hers. But the idea that I might be suspected of “copying” bothered me most of all.

So I stopped doing my thing the way I was doing it, even though it felt right to me. And now, I’m not sure that was the right thing to do.

My point is, I don’t know who might be “copying” who, but I do know that sometimes, it’s unintentional. There are millions of blogs and bloggers, and there is NO WAY that we’re all reading each other. There is NO WAY we’re all reading ALL of the “A-List” bloggers, either.

That said, I still think Jessica Seinfeld totally ripped off Missy Lepine.

Now I’m completely paranoid. Is copying the issue? What am I missing? I’ve probably totally messed up somewhere. Are pictures a bad thing?

I haven’t read enough other blogs yet to copy anyone.

Seriously, this is all a bit frightening to newbies like me. What exactly is the issue that women are getting so worked up about?

I learned this the hard way. I am one of the megaphone’s biggest abusers.

!!! awe !!!

Huh? I clearly missed a memo. Anyone want to let me in on what the latest mommyblogging pissing match is about? Being a mommyblogger I figure I should probably find out.

Color me confused as well…though I’m sure I agree, I haven’t a clue as to the impetus.

I can see valid reasons for frustration for both the older and newer bloggers–and ain’t that always the way? Early adopters always have some sort of influence advantage and those who stick around for the long haul should have the benefits of their hard work coming to them.

I’m a “new” mommy blogger, because I am a fairly new mommy, but I’ve been blogging for a while.

The community is huge, which means it may be harder to get noticed, but it also means there is more fun to go around. And also more influence when there is substantial agreement about certain issues of importance.

Anyway, I’ll be missing BlogHer, due as I am in August. But I wish all a fabulous time..

I got no clue what’s going on, and that’s okay by me. I’ll be at BlogHer again this year - this time as a mommyblogger (last year I was just a preggoblogger). I’m really looking forward to it.

This is a pointless comment. I just felt the need to join in and high five someone.

*tipping my hat to you* Excellent post.

This feels wrong of me, but I’m kind of relieved to see that the mommyblogging community goes through rows like the ones over which I essentially opted out of the feminist blogging community (all the while, of course, remaining both a feminist, and a blogger - and, hey, a mommy too). I just can’t deal with how heated things can get in the disembodied medium in which things can be so quickly misunderstood, and where many like-minded people may be writing about similar things (leading to variously outrageous claims of plagiarism, etc.)

At this point, my purpose as a blogger is pretty much individual rather than community minded, which feels selfish on the one hand, but more honest on the other, because I know I’m not writing in anticipation of what anyone else is going to think or say about it. (To wit: I disabled Sitemeter.)

I do miss aspects of the blogging community I had been a part of (for which reason I overcompensate somewhat in terms of participation on Twitter), but I just don’t have it in me to deal with the internecine warfare factor.

You’re so good at this, Erin - bringing voices together the way you do, being a peacemaker and all that business. It’s a rare talent you have, which I wish I had, but likely never will. More power to you and to the many communities of which you are a part.

You ARE the QUEEN! Classy, articulate post Erin.
Thank you for saying it better than I could have.
Love,
Shelly Jo Renee

I think MOM101 and Sarcastic Mom do have points we need to address.
And it all falls under “business”- if someone is violating your trademark or brand, I would suggest you handle it in a professional BUSINESS manner. Microblogging might not be professional. or um, business.

Hey, Erin - Looks like I’ve missed a lot by being unable to access Twitter when I’ve wanted to. It also looks like it was a blessing in disguise.

I can only guess at what was said and who is upset with whom, but that doesn’t matter. I will never be one of the “cool kids,” but that’s OK, because the TRULY cool kids don’t care about stupid A- or B-list labels and are happy to let me sit with them (I’m talkin’ about you here…)

Support for one another is key and why this community matters so much to me.

The community IS huge now and it isn’t possible for everyone to know everyone, but just because someone doesn’t know who you are, it’s not the same as being snubbed. As others have pointed out, it’s like the “real world” — ya make friends with like minded people and sometimes you’ll just be acquaintances and sometimes you won’t… and sometimes, it’ll be the start of a really great friendship.

Scared to post this, but here goes.

As a total blogosphere Q-lister, stuff like this gives me a belly ache.

99% of the blogosphere, Mommy or otherwise, is awesome - welcoming and easygoing and chatty. But there are a few bad apples. As I see it, there are a few people out of the many who have “made it” in the blogosphere, a small few who forget what it was like to be a nobody 3,4,5, whatever years ago. It’s as if they forget having to create something out of nothing, having to reach out, having to forge friendships. They are successful now; their circles are complete. They have their traffic and their friends, and new ones aren’t required. And there gets to be some kind of “elitist” attitude in there, a shitty, old-school vs. new-school attitude, one where people who aren’t in the circle are ignored at best; openly shunned or slammed at worst.

Most bloggers aren’t like this, but there are a few who are. I’ve had unpleasant encounters myself. These encounters leave the rest of us doubting the community, doubting the very people who created it.

The blogosphere is big. Huge. There’s room enough for everyone. What there isn’t room for, is people and attitudes that suck.

I nominate Erin to run for public office. Her diplomacy should be admired. Who’s with me?

*sigh*

Why is it whenever these kinds of posts go up I’m always solidly in the crowd scratching their heads and wondering what all the cool kids are talking about?

Who’s mad at who? What’s going on? Dooce hates Shel Silverstien? Huh?

I wish I’d known what was going on before I posted my first comment, too. Although I’m a mere blip on the blogosphere’s radar, the thought that someone might think I’m copying another blogger, or worse, I am unintentionally copying another blogger bothers me. I’ve been on the other side, too, where I thought my “ideas” were being ripped, but legally, I have no real proof, and I’m willing to entertain the thought that maybe, maybe, it was mere coincidence.

Most of the time, it is.

Thank you for this post Erin. Very well said. There are so many stereotypes that behavior like that perpetuates and it has the power to bring us all down, and as you mentioned, destroy the community we all value so much.

I am also amazed to see a ‘mean girl’ or two comment here and thank you as well, I hope they are really listening along with the rest of us.

Keep the goodness coming!
-Ashlee

An uninformed opinion makes the person seem juvenile.

Can’t read blogs with black backgrounds cause it strains my eyes. I don’t go around twittering & plurking & gathering a posse to put those down who do have black background blogs.

Taking 3 minutes to form an opinion about a blogger’s content is wrong. Then EXAGGERATING & HYPING that opinion on a public network is double wrong. Not taking into account unemployment or some other IRL tragedy makes blogging & twittering less fun.

3 does NOT equal 1/2 dozen…
What kind of math is that ? Does twittering invalidate math facts ? Then including Bossy who would probably be the first to NOT care brings the percentage down to 2. 2/12 ths is 1/6 th. Farther & farther away from 1/2 or half a dozen.

Don’t do logic…don’t twitter.
Don’t do math…don’t twitter.

Live by twitter might just die by twitter.

Say what you want, but there will be consequences if what is said is wrong.

I am all for accountability.

Let’s just treat other bloggers like we want to be treated & agree to disagree.

As a pretty new-to-the-blogging-scene voice, I have to say that your post is important because the highly Twittered drama to which you refer is just one of THREE similar dramas I have witnessed go down in momblogland *in the past week*. And, seriously, three accusatory, blog first/ask questions later, attack dramas is a pretty awful ratio, given the relatively small number of blogs I follow and Twitterers to whose conversations I’m privvy.

It’s true we need to support and value our community. It’s also true that we won’t always all get along because bloggers are an enormous and diverse group of women. HOWEVER, one thing that (supposedly) differentiates being an adult from being a teenager is the ability to disagree respectfully, discuss conflicts rationally, and live by some basic rules of fair play that include actual conversations between supposedly offending/offended parties rather than posting hatemail on the lockers between classes.

Hiding behind popularity is just as cowardly as hiding behind anonymity, but the former is infinitely more cruel as it carries with it the added desire to inflame others.

I want to be part of what is clearly a strong, vibrant, diverse, and interesting community. But honestly? The “popular crowd table in the cafeteria” gives me the heebie-jeebies. I’d much rather hang with the M-listers like me, or with the truly classy “A-listers” who get the value of women supporting other women than with the very few self-styled “populars” who are too important to deign to talk to me. Thank the stars for voices like yours, and all the many many who agree with you, who together make it clear that despite the hurtful dramas, it is in fact possible for the blogosphere to be more like a great conversation with friends over wine than like a judgmental high school PE class.

I thought Twitter was broken so I have no idea what went down. In fact, I’ve been hiding from my own blog these days…because life is trying to swallow me whole.

But even though I’m clueless, I think your post is on the mark, Erin. I can relate it to previous tiffs in the blogosphere.

It’s a shame when things like this happen, and I really can’t find better words to say, because you’ve said them already.

Genius.

Thanks for writing this.

Good post.

I think - in general - as women, we all need something to “bitch” about it. It sucks when it comes to outlets that are necessary and wonderful and supporting for “us” women.

After all… this is merely the “new front porch”… this is amazing way to connect.

Take the money away. Take the fame away. What are we left with?

Mothers wanting to connect and read about what other mothers are going through.

- Audrey

Fabulous post!

I totally missed that this was happening. Someone just shared it with me.

Last year, I took over a magazine called TopBlogMag. I immediately tore it apart, broke it down, made a public plan to rebuild it as something else, and then appeared to have buried it when I went offline for four months.

I come back and there are other sites popping up that sort of look like what I had in mind but never finished. But not quite. So I move forward with what will be Blog Nosh Magazine, but then realize, “Crap, will these people think I am hacking their idea? Even though I started this last year?”

So I emailed one of those people. Let’s call her Schmoocksy. Her new site sounds like Three Star Thursday. I contacted her and said, “Hey, I’m finally doing this magazine, I know you haven’t noticed me until recently, so I expect you don’t know that I am not, in fact, copying your idea. Actually, our ideas are not the same, but you know how people talk. No toes stepped on? Cool. Now get out of my way because I’m going to burn this mutha down.”

Okay, I may not have said all that. But I knew how tongues wag and how no one does their research before they start talking smack, so I wanted to touch base. Her response?

There is room on this internet for all of us. Of course our ideas are going to overlap. We’re cool.

Suck on that, mutha suckas. We are a community. Our interests will overlap. Let’s give each other the benefit of the doubt, huh?

Seriously, suck it.

Or, um, nosh on it.
http://www.blognosh.com

The more attention we give to this particular situation, the sillier it becomes.

It’s clear that some up and coming mommybloggers are more interesting, more creative and are getting attention - and that’s great. I really DO believe there is room for everyone and no need to attack each other.

I’ve never felt like a true part of the mommyblogging community, simply because I don’t blog about my kids consistently.

It took a while to get over some of last year’s backstabbing and drama (I’m only human after all and some of it was well-deserved karma). I’m more guarded about who I let in now, that’s for sure.

I’m happy in my smaller circle of true friends than I ever was back in the day. I don’t need popularity, PR companies on my case or validation of any kind. I don’t care about stats, ad dollars or getting traffic. It’s what works for me.

All I hope is that every blogger in every community finds that kind of peace and gets joy from writing and sharing as we all do.

I agree. This is an awesome post. We need to work together with one another instead of against each other. If you don’t like somebody’s blog or work, click that little x at the top of your screen — don’t blast them on a public forum like Twitter.

This is the most sensible post I’ve seen on this whole debacle. I’m all nervous about going to BlogHer now because I’m thinking, OMG, what the heck am I walking into? Is this what it’s really like?

I’ve been mommy blogging for awhile but I’m a small timer and only recently have begun to start blogging seriously. But I’ve always appreciated the support of my fellow mommy bloggers. I think it would be a shame if as we monetize our blogs, we start thinking that’s more important than the community aspect of it.

Great post but where have I been? I have no idea what’s going on. Can someone tell me?

Ok, better not know… I like it better in my world - peace and quiet. This is the second time I’ve commented in this blog. I don’t know how I got pointed to it from link to link…but it is always about some controversy. Last one was the PR people J&J kinda deal. I may just come here directly next time so I can cut the chase on knowing what’s going on…hehe