Ten Things That Are Better About Canada

Aguest post on this fine Canada Day by the lovely Meg Fowler, one of my many Canadian friends whom I love, despite her hatred of my hockey team and her blasphemous words about Stevie Yzerman

Ten Things That Are Better About Canada

10. Our national bird is tastier than yours.

9.  We know the secret to feeling rich — turn all your currency into gold-coloured coins!

8.  Our national flag is a leaf and two bars — something you can find in any town we have, too.

7.  We have more trees than we have McDonalds. And more hockey rinks than Wal-Marts. And more donuts than cops.

6.  Our annual military budget is approximately the same price as Jenna Bush’s wedding.

5.  One end of us looks to Europe, the other end to the Pacific Rim. And if you go to the middle of our country, you can get both pyrogies AND sushi at the food court!

4.  Our movies have more subtitles and boobies — AND the government pays you to make them!

3.  We have a monarch, which is kind of like when your parents go away and leave your Grandma in charge.

2.  If you make fun of us, we make you a citizen. And give you a job at the CBC.

1. If we had a woman and a black man running for office, we’d all vote for the gay Guatemalan-Scottish-First Nations-Tibetan monk performance artist with the limp.

Comments

  1. Although i now live in the midwest, at one time i lived in the pacific northwest and my friends and i would routinely go to BC for fun. Canada is certainly a friendly place and has many merits. However, the “free” health care is not all it cracks up to be. Canadians often have to wait up to ten months for a MRI while in the US one can be scheduled within a week. Try to get in to see a specialist within a month and see what happens. Socialized medicine is not all it’s cracked up to be.

  2. Hmmm. About the war of 1812… It depends on what you consider the objectives to have been. If the objective was to beat the British off the east coast, the US won. If the objective was to claim the ‘Indian Territories’ for the US, the US won. (Just think of all those French names like ‘Illinois = Isle of Nuts! — it used to be in ‘Quebec’!). But — and as a Canadian I’m very proud of this — if the objective was to take over the Niagara Peninsula — WE WON. Niagara Falls is still ours, and Windsor, and Hamilton, and a whole lot of lovely places in southern Ontario so happily populated by United Empire Loyalists and escapees at the northern end of the Underground Railway. My conclusion on the War of 1812? We both won, and I’m really happy with the part of the continent we kept. It’s a nice (?) war when everybody thinks they won!

  3. too bad number 4 is no longer true

  4. Another thing that makes Canada the FAR superior country is that we don’t mutilate babies penises routinely like those foolish Americans do.

  5. 1. I love Canada. Born and raised, but my grandparents are French and Croatian… my friends are Ukrainian, Persian, Italian, British, Moroccan, Native American, Muslim, Jewish, Buddhist… you name it. We really are a melting pot, and a racist Canadian is extremely rare.

    2. I can believe that someone had to wait ten months for an MRI, but it doesn’t seem like a very common thing. If it were urgent (which most MRIs are, I think) they’d bump you up the list. It depends on you medical situation… I’ve never heard of anyone dying or being severely injured because they had to wait. The longest wait I’ve ever heard of is three months, and I live in the worst city in the country for healthcare (Montreal).

  6. lol, i live right beside toronto, and thats a good list, and yes, theres lots of dope here, and yes, we all have a flying delorean. im probly the only guy in the country who uhh….doesnt like hockey? like at all….woops.
    also, the part about the black guy versus a woman? totally true…
    and i only say eh when im talking, unless im trying to grab ur attention on msn… and omg, a racist canadian is rare? rare!!!? ok, were not steak…have u ever been to alberta? go to edmonton…lemme kno if u see any black guys…or find anyone that has a problem with the n word… i dont understand #2…did that hapen? y is that funny? our health care is not free, they’ll tell u whats wrong with you, then give you a bill. unless your in the union, with benefits…
    the only thing that list is missing, is the absence of hand gun crazed motherfuckers, everywhere u look…and guys in cowboy hats, that arent in the praries…

  7. All I have to say to the Americans that think Canada is so great, MOVE. That’s the joy of living in a free country you can leave when you want. So if you don’t like it get the f*ck out. I’ll even buy you a bus ticket.

  8. With your sparkling sense of humour, Shannon, who would EVER want to leave? ;) It was satire, obviously. And if you think it’s easy to move to Canada, I can show you a stack of forms that say otherwise from my best friend and her husband.

    Oh — and I’m moving to the US.:)

  9. The saddest thing about this article is that “doughnuts” is spelt the american way “donuts”

  10. Also to Dave, the healthcare is free. I was flown to the roof of a hospital in a helicopter and had a lobe of my lung removed, I had my elbow rebuilt by leading surgeons, I saw the leading orthopedic specialist in Ontario and recieved an MRI to get diagnosed with something and none of it cost me or my family a cent and we dont have a health plan or anything. The fact that you can give brith for free makes our healthcare way better.

  11. number three. my favorite!!!

  12. Splitting Hairs says:

    If I had to generalize the differences between the 2 countries, it would be as follows:

    1. Canada is the better country, but the US is the greater nation. The physical beauty and cleanliness of Canada is hard to beat, but I have always thought that Canada is a nation without an identity, one that is defined far too often by what it is not, ie “not American” instead of postive virtues. Canada is also more a bunch of provinces sharing the same land mass, than it is a unified nation, with a common goal.

    2. Canadian television is a joke, can this country even write a decent drama or sit-com. Perhaps any Canadian with genuine talent has left this country in favor of greener pastures, ie Hollywood, afterall we do have a habit of driving away our best and brightest, while attracting too few like minded people in the opposite direction.
    Also, does every 2nd show (or commercial) on Canadian television have to try so damm hard, and be so obvious, in espousing Canadian values and culture. We get, we are different, now shut up and entertain or inform.

    3. The US is a nation of tremendous extremes (more financial success, but also extreme poverty, more greatness but more mediocrity, more inventiveness but more cookie cutter sameness, more ambition but more laziness). Canada is more a country of moderation or averageness, seldom is anything jaw dropping great in Canada, but we also have less abject terrible.

    4. The US more emabraces innovation and risk taking (and rewards it), Canada is more about caution and status quo. For many years, Canadians (per capita) had more money in savings accounts than citizens of any other country, and typically look to the government to lead the charge. Most of the innovation in Canada is institutional, ie from large business / government, verus personal initiative ala the US.

    IMO, IF IT WERE NOT FOR ITS NATURAL RESOURCES, CANADA WOULD BE A THIRLD WORLD NATION, BASICALLY MEXICO NORTH (MINUS THE GOOD WEATHER BUT WITH BETTER DRINKING WATER)

    5. Canadians have more tolerence, but it can be stretched too far. A good Canadian should not forget to smile while being screwed up the ass by a bank. Americans are less tolerent, more likely to show their disaproval, escpecially with their wallets.

    6. Canadians are more worldly and Americans are more insular. Many Americans do not look beyond their own border unless it has some benefit (or effect) on the USA. Canadian media definitely does a better job of showing news with a global perspective.

    7. Canadians are more apathetic, while Americans can be overly bombastic or nationlistic. Pick your poison. In Canada, only a hockey gold medal, or NHL strike,would create coast to coast national unity, and allow for outward displays of patriotic passion or condemnation. Americans on the other hand, do tend to lean the other way, and openly and fiercely show patriotic pride.

    Example of Canadian apathy:

    Two weeks before the 1995 Quebec referendum, the polls were showing the vote could either way, ie 50% for and 50% against. Keep in mind this was one of the most pivotal moments in this countries short uneventful history. If Quebec had voted yes, they would have had the legal right to seperate from Canada, changing the landscape of this nation for ever. About one week before the vote, a “show Quebec some love” rally was organized in downtown Ottawa to send a positive message to Quebec, and help sway the vote in favor of a unified Canada. The media made a huge deal about the wonderful rally turnout from all these loyal Canadians, and announced with great national pride that 50,000 people attended. My first reaction though was ONLY 50,000 people, how pathetic. A defining moment in Canada’s history, and in the capital city no less, and only a paltry 50,000 people show up. Given that it was a weekday afternoon, I would wager that many in the crowd were government workers, told to “show up” (or given an extended lunch break).

  13. Another good thing about Canada is…. they feed cow to their cows.

  14. Oh yeah,Canada has a disease that cannot be cured no matter how much free medical they have ………American penis envy.

  15. Also when do you become the thing you hate.

  16. If America and Canada came to your door to kick your ass which one would you be worried about?

  17. Age of consent is lower in Canada!

  18. Great post! Mostly true to a larger extent, but I must agree with Splitting Hairs on a number of points.

    “3. The US is a nation of tremendous extremes (more financial success, but also extreme poverty, more greatness but more mediocrity, more inventiveness but more cookie cutter sameness, more ambition but more laziness). Canada is more a country of moderation or averageness”

    True, US has it all, while Canada is in average better and more stable. Don’t forget that extreme conditions give birth to extraordinary people, thoughts and achievements.

  19. lol. this is funny

  20. You suck that is like so insulting
    !!!!! im canadian and you suck!!!

  21. 10 months for an MRI? That is a exception to the rule. If you are really sick, they will put you in for an MRI within hours. I remember going to the hospital with severe Crohns and I had an MRI (or was it CAT scan I can’t remember) in less than 2 hours. In Canada it would be unthinkable to deny a human being their basic right to life and happiness by condemning them to death or suffering based on their financial position. But alas Americans will continue to bash our moral and progressive ideas about the basic right to life and this universal health care. Besides if you are Canadian and rich you can always drive down to the states and pay for an expedited MRI for your terribly urgent toe sprain or other superficial medical issue which might justify a 10 month MRI wait.

    End of rant

  22. america ia canadas beard,lol

  23. america is canadas beard,lol

  24. Canada’s merely America’s polite top hat that once burned it’s capital city to the ground. Only a lovely hat would be the reason your Whitehouse is white :)

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