Spoons

Spoons from friends
Spoons.

Spoons from across the world arrived in my mailbox today.

It is hard for me to put into words what this means to me. Some of you are probably saying… spoons? Erin… what the hell?

Adrienne explains, “Recently, FINALLY, after multiple surgeries (she lost 13in of her colon, her gall bladder, and her uterus, ovaries, and cervix) this year and so many emergency hospital stays, she received a diagnoses of Lupus.

One day on Twitter she spoke of ‘grabbing all the spoons’ she could because Lupus could #suckit. I had no idea what the heck she was talking about so I googled it.

WOW

Just WOW”

Of course Megan posted about it too, “Let me ask you one little question: If you could do something to make a person feel better – a person you could otherwise not help in her situation of unfortunate circumstance beyond her or your control – would you?

Think about it. We’ve all been there. We’ve all had someone in our life – whether a close family member or friend or perhaps it’s just someone we know through the blogosphere or Twitter world or maybe even it’s someone whose story we heard from someone who heard it from someone else… but somehow, it touched us, it haunted us, it made us feel helpless and it kept us scratching our heads and wondering What can I do? leaving us helpless because sometimes, in this life, we don’t always have the chance to fix things for others. No matter how badly we want to.”

And the next thing I knew a package of beautiful spoons were at my door.

I wept.

I thought I might laugh, or giggle, or maybe get misty eyed and tweet you all … instead I sat at my dining room table, kids around me, and I cried that ugly cry, reserved for those moments in life.

It had been a bad day. It had been a hard day. I started the morning teaching my Mom how to give me a chemo injection and was sitting at that dining room table feeling defeated because I was exhausted from going to the hair salon.

Again…I’m not sure you understand what this means to me. The timing. The symbolism. The everything.

My son rubbing my back, my daughter playing with the brightly colored spoons. And me…sobbing at the table, looking at a dozen or so kitchen utensils as if they were the answer to all my questions.

Spoons.

I wasn’t crying because I was sick. I wasn’t crying because I was so happy and the tears of joy came out.

No.

I was crying because I finally could.

After months of meals delivered to our door. Gifts. Visits. Virtual hugs, and the whole world reaching out to our little family just to check on us, I felt as though I could finally just let go.

Why?

Because I know you are there. These spoons tell me so. I can let go because you are there to pick me back up. I can let go because you have my back. I can finally let go because everything really WILL be ok if I let others help. If I let others lead. If I let my tired body heal and allow you to be in control. This is huge for me. This is not who I usually am. This is what needs to happen so I can tell Lupus to #suckit for good.

I have spoons.
I have everything.

And you have my very heartfelt thanks.

Comments

  1. I’m glad you were able to cry – sometimes that’s the most healing thing of all.

    (I wanted to send a spoon – you may still find one in your mailbox – I was looking for the perfect Erin spoon ­čÖé )

  2. I follow you on twitter and facebook. Your strength and courage, never mind your sense of humour, and your never ending love for your family and those closest to you are an inspiration.

    I wept reading the spoon story. I wept reading this post.

    I wish I could send you a spoon…

  3. Erin, I follow you on twitter & we’re facebook friends although we haven’t really talked much before. I have fibromyalgia and the spoon theory is a beautiful, perfect way to tell friends & family what it really is like to have a chronic pain condition.

    I wish for you an abundance of spoons and your post today made me cry a lot. Big hugs to you!!! xoxoxoxo
    .-= Andrea┬┤s last blog ..Its sad when you can summarize the last 8 months in one paragraph =-.

  4. So awesome, so cool, such a wonderful tribute to you, their friend, who needed to be lifted up. Yay Erin!

    I have a dear friend who has Lupus and she’s been through hell and back. Not sure about her treatment but she too, has lost several organs and had many hospital stays, but she recently started leaving the house again because she’s feeling a bit better. Thank you for your courage and hope.
    .-= monstergirlee┬┤s last blog ..Christmas Images =-.

  5. Erin, I’m so glad these wonderful people have your back, and I am so glad for you that you’ve been able to internalize that and just let go. Amazing Grace, that is. And even though I failed to get my own spoon mailed off to you in time (sometimes I have trouble having my own back, I guess) I am one of the virtual army that I just know is here for you to offer whatever we can from our own odd and varied distances.

    You’re not alone.
    .-= Kristi (another one)┬┤s last blog ..dampscribbler- Games are no fun against an opponent who always chooses to play cutthroat longestgameofTroubleEVAR =-.

  6. Sending love and spoons to you Erin!

  7. I’m so glad you have awesome people you can rely on, and that you know it. Love, love, love, and many spoons to you. Hang in there, girlfriend. ­čÖé
    .-= Heather @ The Mother Tongue┬┤s last blog ..A final WEG ticket contestÔÇŽand why Haiti matters =-.

  8. Hi Erin,

    A few months agao I was trying to explain to you what “spoons” mean and being a #spoonie. At the time I remember thinking you didn’t understand, but that “we” and I would be here for you when you did. The spoon theory isn’t perfect. It doesn’t describe every day, or every illness. It just tries to describe one day, and tries to describe the feelings behind feeling sick. Yes, being sick sucks- but The spoon theory doesn’t ­čÖé

    I am so happy to now finally call you my secret spoonie sister. lol We are here. I am here, I want to help, I want to make a difference, and I want to be able to be your friend if you ever want it or need it. Until then, please know that I am am here thinking of you right now, an sending good thoughts… or virtual spoons your way. <3,

    -Christine

  9. When you posted the lovely bracelet that Aaron bought you, I went straight to your link about “spoons”. Then, I went to Etsy and bought my friend with Lupus a spoon. I hope it makes her feel good, just for a moment. I hope it makes her feel as good as you felt when you let go.

    Big hugs, E. I’m wishing you bouquets of spoons.

  10. powerful, amazing, incredible…… wishing you all the spoons necessary to make it what it needs to be…. huge hugs, huge relief to be able to let it all go, thinking of you and sending good thoughts, healing thoughts for you and your family.

  11. I didn’t send you a spoon, my dear. I sent you the author of the spoon theory – and she’s a packetful of spoons, spoon theory, spoonishy behavior – and dude, the woman carries a 4 ft spoon!!

    At some point – you and Christine will click hard – and when you do, I have great, great hope for future generations.

    (((((hug))))

    p.s. I’d send you a spoon if I didn’t need them so desperately myself.

  12. I came home late tonight from my own hardship day to see this post.

    You got it….you totally and completely got it.

    For all that you have done for me over these years, I wish I could do more for you.

    But for now I spoon you.
    .-= Adrienne┬┤s last blog ..The UPS Store WINNERS =-.

  13. ­čÖé
    .-= schmutzie┬┤s last blog ..Reverb 10- Day 27- Ordinary Joy =-.

  14. (((HUGS))) from a “spoonie sister”<333

  15. Lupus is evil and sometimes having that release is what we need to get through a few more months of its misery. I hope you feel better soon and if you ever need to vent, I’m here as a fellow lupie.
    .-= Mothers’ Hideaway┬┤s last blog ..Change your clothes! =-.

  16. Aww… I admit I don’t know exactly how you feel. How could I possibly put myself in your shoes. Can’t imagine being a mother and fighting Lupus. However, reading the “spoon theory” was an excellent way to help those of us who aren’t in your shoes to understand just a little about how your day must be.

    All my spoons would be used up by my kids, my pets… the husband, in one morning. Holy cow. I’d be a spoonless spinster quickly.

    Sending thoughts of spiritual spoons your way, and to all of those fighting Lupus. May you and your family continue to stay strong together.
    .-= Mamma B.┬┤s last blog ..The Too Much Information Age =-.

Trackbacks

  1. […] This post was mentioned on Twitter by Erin Kotecki Vest. Erin Kotecki Vest said: Today I cried like I have not cried before. Because of you. http://queenofspainblog.com/2010/12/29/spoons/ […]

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