I Knew It Was Coming

He knows, but he doesn’t want to tell me.

It’s fun to believe, right Mom? 

And when you believe it’s all even more magical too…

He knows, and when I push the subject his eyes get full and he looks at me as though begging me to stop asking. He really does not want to answer.

So instead he slowly sits down next to me on the couch and rubs my arm. He always rubs my arm when he’s worried about me. When I’m not feeling well. When I’m upset but trying not to show him…like now.

Plus it’s a tradition Mom. We always have traditions…

He knows, and when I asked him to make sure his sister still believed no matter what he thought might be true, his answer both broke and uplifted my heart…

Oh we all believe in our family and I will make sure she doesn’t know everything. She doesn’t need to know what I figured out a long, long time ago.

But even if I did figure it out a long time ago I just want you to know Mom, you do a really good job. You’re a great Santa helper. And I still like to pretend because I know it makes you happy. And I know it’s fun and it is always a surprise and everyone is always so happy. So please don’t be sad.

I’m not sad, buddy. Not about that anyway. Just trying to stop time a bit so I can take these moments and lock them away in my mind and remember how when you found out about Santa you were more worried about ME than you.